You know how I wrote that post a few days ago about the farm and the land and the chickens and the don't knows? Well..my mom put her house and land up for sale. I'm simultaneously sad and also excited for her to have a concrete moving on, away from the home and life she had with my dad, away from the completely overwhelming load of work for one single person. She said she's tired of feeling so isolated.
So I've finally dug into Mondo Beyondo. I'm at least 3 weeks "behind" but refusing to look at it that way as of last night. ((More on Mondo Beyondo to the right)) I am going to come as I am and totally let myself off the hook as directed. There's no right or wrong here and I really feel like it is all gain.
Through one of the exercises last night I realized a) how much I compare myself to others and b) some of my core values I was unaware of. Sometimes I read about what others are doing and I go from there like oh, good idea! I'll try that! But it goes beyond that. I sometimes feel paralyzed. I start to believe that I'm basically incapable of making a decision and thus need the input of 10+ other people before I decide what's best for myself. Maybe part of this stems from having bossy, opinionated parents? I'm really not sure. It's definitely related to my complete lack of confidence in myself and anything I do.
The exercise I did last night asked us to pick 2 people we admire and write down all the qualities about those people we like. We then chose 5 of those that jumped out at us or seemed important. I realized that the majority of the qualities I chose boiled down to being respected and having the ability to know what they want and go after it without too much thought on what others' perceptions may be. My dear friend and co-worker, K, is so smart. She's an amazing nurse and I am forever envious that doctors know her name, ask her questions, ask her to come work in their offices! There are some docs I've been working with daily for the past 2+ years and each time I talk to them I'm fairly sure they have no idea who I am and whether I started working yesterday. Gah, this could just spiral down. I just admire that they respect her. I also have no doubt that if I were working in an area I was really, truly passionate about, some of those things would come natural? Does that make sense? I'm passionate about nursing and while I feel guilty about this thought, I am not passionate about the unit/specialty I'm working in right now.
When I do my Mondo Beyondo exercises, I make myself do them on my own before I read what anyone else has had to say about their lesson, responses, comments, reactions. This has been very, very eye-opening! I surprise myself. I go back and see what others say and realize that I've had some good insight all on my very own.
Another lesson sought out our energy sources. Things that make us feel good, build us up, pull us out of a funk. Here's my list:
* Good smells - earthy, natural, anything that makes me feel hippy'ish
* Music!
* Making myself a good cup of coffee
* Looking at photos like SouleMama's
* Being outside
* Finding sunshine, windows open
* Talking to Beebs, engaging her - listening
* Daydreaming - about more kids, about owning a house, having chickens
* Wearing pigtails
* Watching a good documentary - so comforting!
I'm learning how to dream big and a very large portion of that learning for me right now is tapping into myself alone to discover what my dreams really are. It's not finding out whether I'm also interested in what others are dreaming about. This feels so freeing. It feels so good to talk to my husband about something like buying a home and discuss what he and I want, not what books or the internet or others recommend for us. This isn't to say that we don't research things. Knowledge is power, right? I just mean..you know what I mean?
The more I read about home house buying, the more I realize I want one. I want a house. We have this home here but it's not a forever home. I'm 30 and I've moved approximately every 1-2 years since I was 18. Those college years it was from parents' house to college dorm back home back to different college dorm back home then after graduation I moved out and lived alone in Liberty, MO. I went to William Jewell and I really enjoyed Liberty at that time. It seems so overloaded and overpriced now. I absolutely love the Liberty square though it sorta looks like a sham now and I love all those historic old houses there. Once during college one of my professors had my class over. His wife and children were there in their adorable old home. It was warm and cozy and they had this wild yard that in the summer had every color and height and type of wildflower. Perfect.
I grew up on a farm. It wasn't a huge farm. The first farm we lived on came stocked when we moved in. It had sheep, cows (including a bull and cows to milk), chickens, guineas, pigs and more. It was only 8 acres or so, a hobby type farm? My mom did most of the work and my dad sort of dabbled in it. We had horses, tractors, a pond full of fish, a little row boat, a huge red barn, cats, dogs. Dreamland. It was a dreamland - I loved it so much.
When I was in the 8th grade we moved to a larger farm, an 80 acre farm. It's where my mom still lives though now she has sold some of the land and it has been developed with several houses. (It's so hard to see it that way). When we moved there we still had animals and now we grew corn and soybeans. We've always had multiple, enormous gardens. My mom canned (still does) fruits and vegetables we grew, froze things to prepare for winter, we belonged to a food co-op. Our backyard was always outfitted with a clothesline and a tire swing.
I think it's only right now as I write this that I realize how deeply I loved all those things. I can't tell you how many times I had a baby lamb or some other baby animal in my room whose mama had died or it'd been rejected. That's heaven to me. I loved all those animals around. I had no idea those gardens were really such a luxury.
My mom has multiple times now offered us a piece of her land to build a house on. As a gift. She's offered us her home and said she'd build herself a different one. I don't know how I could possibly reject this offer but now that I have a daughter I'm having so much trouble with the idea of us living there. And could I be my mom's next-door neighbor?! Some cons of living there include the small worldviews many residents of that community have. The schools there are great but the cultural diversity is fairly non-existent. The class options are limited and I'm just not a home-schooler. There are so many things Beebs might be involved in that wouldn't be available there and I hate driving 30, 40+ minutes to go anywhere and do anything. IF I were to still work in this area, the commute to work would be over an hour. The closest hospital to my Mom's house is 30-some miles away. I realize I could work somewhere besides a hospital..just sayin'. I don't know what to do with this. The other night before I fell asleep I pictured us building a little house. I imagined my mom helping me do my own garden. I imagined Beebs running and playing in that wide open space. I imagined her with a bottle feeding a little lamb with a converted soda bottle. And I just don't know what to do.
Oh my goodness. It's nearly 4 am and here I am..still awake.
I sometimes feel like I "waste" time reading other people's blogs. In my head I'm learning/researching/being entertained/getting new ideas but then I think maybe that time would be better spent exploring in real life. It's not that I don't explore in real life and do my own learning, it's just that perhaps I spend too much time reading about what other people are doing.
Anyway.
I'm off for 4 more days and I am completely wallowing in it. I asked for a few days off so we could just relax and have some fun here around Roommate's birthday. He turns 30 on Wednesday. Today we had my mom and his parents and twin brother over for birthday lunch and birthday PIE. It was nice, very low key. I have his gifts wrapped on the table and am having way more trouble than he is waiting. He's already received a couple early gifts. So fun.
I should go snuggle Beebs. Tonight it was hard getting her to bed. Her sleep schedule has been getting kind of messed with (our fault usually) and it really throws her. We're not routine people - and again, perhaps that in itself is our routine but she usually goes down for a nap at 2 pm every day and will sleep 2+ hrs. If we run errands in the morning it is not unusual for her to fall asleep on the way home - even if it's only on the last 5 minutes home and I swear, if she sleeps for 5 min in the car..the nap is out. The other day I was pulling into the our parking lot and watched her blink...blink...blink off to sleep and I got her out of the car, she was asleep on my shoulder. I slowly slipped her coat off in the house and the instant I laid her down she was all oh hell no! We did a cozy little nap routine and it was completely unsuccessful. All of this to say that tonight she was so tired after a day of family time and we put her down about 8 and at 10:30 we were still working on getting her to sleep. It felt like such wasted time! And I feel guilty saying that because I love time with her but she was literally jabbing her fingers into her eyes trying to keep them open.
Hi. I'm sitting here in a bit of a haze. I just worked 2 whole days in a row, I don't know, like 14'ish hr days? Twenty eight hours of work in 2 days isn't much but I'm just so worn out. One particular patient has been draining the past couple days, mostly because, I got sort of attached to this person when we first met a week or two ago and now this person needs..I don't know what..something I felt like I wasn't giving and.. I felt this patient searching for it? She held my hand a couple times and blew me a kiss and searched my face more than usual and maybe she saw tiredness there? I try always to keep that tucked away in a secret place when I'm with patients. Anyway, just felt a bit pathetic for feeling this tired after only 2 days of work.
This morning at work, the rooms closest to the nurses' station were the ones with the sun just pouring in. It felt like a phenomenon. The sun! Pow!
I just put a movie in - El Dorado. I think I'll watch a few minutes of it until I'm out. heh.
Tomorrow - man - the days where the temp is say, above freezing are just filled with magical potential.
Mondo Beyondo started and I'm scared a little? I wish I could have 5 weeks off from work in order to relax and focus on dreaming. DREAM! see?! I was dreaming big..right there!
I bought crafty things today and stitched together a felt block for Beebs with bells inside and then I started on some mod podge goodness. I know that'd probably 1970's third grader stuff but I love it and I feel so happy when I'm making something for my kid. Such small little things but.
It's almost 4 am and I haven't been to bed yet. This is very very unwise.
I'm trying to put into words all that I'm thinking about my online course thing - mondo beyondo - and .. it's hard. I cannot stop comparing myself to others and just relax and do my thing. I'm reading through 90 other comments and chewing over their words and decided if what I wrote is what I meant.
I want a large chunk of time off work. I want time to be productive, creative and to rest. I should ask off for some time in May or something. The weather is always so pretty around Beebs' birthday at the end of April and then into May. I actually asked off for her birthday in April a month or so ago. I wanted plenty of time this year to prepare and enjoy.
Our house is a complete and total disaster and I don't even know where to begin.
Last week I worked Mon/Wed/Fri and each day my very favorite friend/co-worker was also scheduled and all 3 of those days were great. I feel safer when she's there. The only way I know to explain that is: When I worked in the lockdown facility for teens -- there were certain staff members that just sucked ass and had no idea how to maintain some level of control, were not mindful and aware of things going on on the sidelines and the kids would get so... rawrrrr. It was like they were just..nervous buzzing..something about to happen..no good..restless..ahhhhhhhh. With other staff, they felt safe. They knew that even if the shit hit the fan..it would be handled..they would be kept safe..taken care of...etc. I don't feel "unsafe" at work..but there are times when I feel like things are solid and I know that even if things get psycho crazy -- we're all in it together. Other times, I know my ass is just out there wavin' in the breeze and if things get hairy..too f'in bad!
This is all so jumbled and crude sounding. I got SouleMama's book The Creative Family and I'm in love with it. It makes me feel calm and grounded and .. hopeful. I'm also reading Simple Abundance.
I just got the hiccups.
yow. pop!
Anyway.
I am craving clarity.
I want to stop considering 8 million other opinions before I decide what mine is.
