Stalker.

I'm going to tell you about this embarrassing habit I have.
It's stalking.
I am a stalker.
Sometimes when I'm reading your blogs or your whatever that you write on, I take things you say to heart.  It might be a book you read that you declare beautiful or inspiring or hysterical and I feel like I must have it in my possession immediately.  It might be something you baked, a place you went, the softest pajama pants you've ever owned, a song that moved you.  If there's something about you I like or admire, I become interested in things/people/music/food that interests you.  I could just say you inspire me but basically, I'm just a stalker.  When we went on vacation in Portland & San Francisco I had lists of places some of my favorite bloggers had been and I was so excited to go there myself. 

Have been feeling a bit fragile at work lately but inside that feels like weakness and that feels like a flaw and on the outside this feels like hot needles of rage.  I think my heart is generally pretty soft (sometimes downright mushy - like out of season tomatoes) but sometimes at work, my patients make me want to pinch their faces off.  I have sympathy and empathy for illness and pain and homesickness but sometimes when you're a patient in the hospital you act like an unexcusable asshole.  If you only knew how much I'm trying to be great.

Hi. Thanks.

I just washed my Wellbutrin and prenatal vitamin down with a Monster Hitman.  Um..gross?

My sister-in-law went from totally shitty to on-the-mend quickly.  When we saw her Friday she looked awful.  She was very mumbly, quiet and feeling miserable.  She had her 2nd angiogram that day and it showed that much of the blood in her brain (around the pons and Circle of Willis) had been reabsorbed.  Saturday morning when we got to the hospital she had just showered, her cheeks were all pink and they were planning to move her out of the ICU that day.  Today, Sunday, they are sending her home!  It seems a bit rushed because I hope her pain is under control and she was nervous and coming home.  Her flakey nurse said yesterday that she was improving, "knock on wood!"  She was a snot and I couldn't help but judge everything from a nursey standpoint when I was visiting.  "Ugh, used syringes laying around!  Two meal trays left piled in the room with smelly food.  Stuff all over the floor!" and on and on.  

Last night my mom came over and Roommate & I went out for dinner and then to the store to gorge ourselves on new music.  I got some Fleet Foxes and he got a bunch of other stuff. 

I went to the grocery store today and spent $160.  We hadn't done real grocery shopping since before we went to Texas at the beginning of October.  Since then we've mostly just picked up a couple things for Beebs here and there and have ended up snagging food out on several occasions.  This is obviously both expensive and less healthy.  I told K I've been eating like a pregnant cow lately.  Every meal feels like my last.  But!  What if we don't go out again for a long time!  Better make the most of it!  Fatty fat fat.  blech!!

Zero energy lately. 
Looking forward to Mondo Beyondo in January.
Dreaming of a Beach vacation in the spring?
Loving looking at other people's flickr photos.
Oh also, I left a comment on the previous post but thanks for the donations for my Roommate's sister.  There were 2 donations, a total of $30.  I'm sending her a check.  They'll need every little bit.  I can't imagine how much her hospital bills will be.  One night in the ICU is incredibly expensive. 

There is so much I want to look at online.  I have to get hooked up with a reader because I just can't keep up with everything.

Being at other people's houses lately has made me really, really want to own a home but gah, so terrifying!  We got new neighbors a week ago (a couple that is from Mexico that has been missionaries there for the past 28 yrs).  They had their porch door open yesterday and they looked way more settled in than we do.  Pictures all over the walls, lamps and such. 

I don't know if it's because I'm turning 30 in less than a month or what but..and..I'm having trouble even putting this into words but I still just feel so in limbo.  I can't even describe what I'm feeling but it's overwhelming and has me thinking I need to make lists or something to try to understand what's in my head.  Do you know what I mean?  It's all encompassing like, ok we need new sheets and I'd like to purchase a new/much larger bed and when might we consider moving into a larger apartment/home?  We've been here less than a year.  Are we going to have more children?  Should I consider going to grad school?  Where should I get a new job?  We're not saving enough for retirement.  and on and on it goes.  I guess that's just life?  a constant stream of plans and nows and questions.  After reading the superhero journal (I love Andrea) I realize that I often forget to enjoy the NOW.  Being home with Beebs always reminds me of that.  House is a mess?  Oh well!  At this moment it is important and wonderful that I'm on the floor playing with my daughter.

My sister-in-law (Roommate's sister) is in the neuro intensive care.  They're going to keep her in the ICU a week and a half at the minimum.  Two days ago she started having crazy neck pain which spread into her whole head and then she started vomiting.  She's got multiple hemorrhages in her brain.  She's 36, married with a 7 year old son.  She just had her White Coat Ceremony as she is in Vet Med school at MU.  She has just started her clinical residency.  She does not have health insurance.  I've added a donate button to the right.  I had no idea how to do such a thing so I hope I did it right.  The hospital she's in is a state hospital so she said they'll allow her to make payments.  She's made arrangements with school and said they won't kick her out for this.  I'm sad that while she's there waiting for her MRI tomorrow to rule out cancer/etc. that she's thinking ok um how in the hell am I going to pay for this and uh..hope I don't get kicked out of school.  ENOUGH on her brain right now..literally.  So if you're interested, she could use anything.  Will keep you posted on her status.  Thanks for reading.  Hope you had a fun Halloween!

Which way to the gun show?

Last week Roommate went back to work.  It's an exciting thing because his old job actually has this brand new position with a company they've like..partnered with and he's going to be working basically alone and will have all sorts of flexibility with his hours.  I think it's also given him a more concrete sense of helping the family.  I just don't think he has realized what a huge and wonderful deal it has been for him to be home with Beebs this first year and a half of her life.  She is so happily close to her dad and it made going back to work so much easier for me to know she was here safe and happy with someone that loves her.  I know that at times he has instead felt like he was an unemployed schmuck when that was not at all the case. 

Just while we're getting started we have chosen that he work on the days I'm off but we've got mom in laws that want to help watch Beebs as well.  This has given me a rare opportunity to be home alone with Beebs and my how I've enjoyed this.  I told Roommate it has really given me the chance to flex my parenting muscles.  We're always together with her when I'm off work and I feel like we have a good tag-team thing going.  I just really like being around her and it has made my days off feel good.  Yesterday we took a nap together and it was just heavenly. 

I've been having this feeling of impending doom every time I'm at work.  Mostly I feel like I'm going to get fired though with some other [moronic] co-workers it seems very difficult to get fired. 

Autumnal Post

I saw my psychiatrist this morning.  I still haven't seen my counselor since I canceled on him months ago but psych has been doing lots of talking with me and this morning I felt like I had a "breakthrough" regarding my dad and my grief and the level of my sadness right now.  I just don't have the energy to write about it right now.  It was small and pretty obvious but a total oh-my-gosh moment.  I felt awkward though because I was sitting there bawling and the lightbulb went off and my doc like, slid her watch back on her arm and said "ok so when for our next appointment?"  I adore her so I can forgive this but I felt like the brakes were slammed on and I needed to clean up my face and get out.  I joked about scaring her next client and she said no no, I've got to get to a meeting.  Eh.

Anyway.  I called my mom on my drive home and wanted to tell her about what I'd learned and she took that and ran with it regarding her own relationship with my dad and then I just sort of shut down because I love my mom and we've been close and shared much regarding my dad but I can't always be her BFF when it comes to the wife feelings/hurt/pain she has about my dad and I'm always that person.  This maybe comes from the obvious lack of friends both of us has.  aha.

After that, came home to just the sweetest little family.  Beebs was following her dad around while he did laundry.  Her hair was all tosseled and she was pantsless yet had on these bright blue socks.  She was so funny, lots to tell me about when I walked in.  We decorated a pumpkin with these Mr Potato Head type things her grandma got her along with a big fat pumpkin.

When we finished we took it outside and put it by the door to greet us with its plastic snarly face and then we left for the park, our usual haunt.  It was amazing there and the leaves were all ablaze and I took some pictures and Beebs played with the kids there.  You should go there and have a picnic or something.  Just wander the trails.  This was a playground we hadn't played on before and we were happy to meander down the trail to a little creek, over a bridge, into the trees.  Lovely lovely. 

Right now I'm drinking some Sbucks instant coffee.  It's not fresh-brewed, sure and I feel like a sucker for buying it but this stuff is far and away better than the fresh brewed crap we have at work.  Good coffee is something I can hardly do without at home.  I'm drinking the Italian one right now.  I also have a packet of the Columbian.  You should try it if you're intrigued.  Ain't bad.  On the way home from TX I got some hot water in the gas station because I'd def prefer it over that old bitter slop.  QT is the only gas station I've ever gotten decent coffee at - always the darkest brew they've got, cream - no sugar.

Here's an assortment of photos.  Hope you're feeling good and having a great start to the week.  This is my last day of vacation - back to work tomorrow.

 

 

 

pure joy.

 

TX cont.

Well today we both had meltdowns.  I feel so stupid now.  ha.  It's like we just had to purge that shit from our respective systems and then we could move on.  What a waste of vacation time to be crazy stressed over driving.  I can now successfully get us from our hotel to a very small handful of locations and back again.

Today we:
Had lunch at Torchy's.  (so good!!)
Drove down South Congress and then headed back to hotel.  heh.
Melted down while Beebs took a 3 hour nap.  We finally woke her up so we could go to Terra Toys.  We were only there about 40 minutes  before they closed so I'd like to go back.  There was this insanely cute outfit for Beebs there I wanted but uh..it was $97.00.
After the toy store we went to Sunflower for Vietnamese food (eatin' my way through Austin).  We also stopped at Target and got a couple things like an extra pair of pants for Beebs, some snacks for her and..err..Q tips.  Yeah.  We tried stopped at Hey Cupcake on the way home but it's Sunday and it was closed. 

Tomorrow, not sure, I think maybe the state capitol, lunch at T's house and I don't know what else.  Children's museum Tuesday - thought about going to Baby Blossoms or whatever it's called at the museum tomorrow but prolly not.  Beebs needs to run outside.  The rain has just made that more difficult than usual.

TX

Roadtrip down was fun and fine and the toddler tot was great.  She was so patient and flexible.  The wedding extravaganza was crazy.  It was cold and rainy and muddy and there was a lot of work involved we hadn't anticipated - like manual labor for 2 days.  I was gristly because I wanted to help but also have the toddler and we were all sort of scattered and the home where the wedding was had a pool so I was constantly crazy paranoid that she was going to fall in and she needed a nap and I felt like I was inconveniencing people when my daughter was walking around sobbing and I'm like NEED PLACE NOW!  I finally decided I'd just drive her around in the car and let her nap there when they said we could use a bedroom to lay her down though by that point she was too far gone and refused to nap.  I have a hard time walking that balance between being the mom and saying yeah, no, this is what we're doing and also trying not to be a bitch, ya'know?  I feel like I always come off like a bitch to my mother-in-law unintentionally.

SO, we wedding'ed it up for a few days.  Beebs was adorable in her (co) flower girl dress though in all the crazy mad rush I realized today I didn't take a single pic.  Parent fail.  sad.  At the last minute the mother of the bride told me Beebs would not be walking down the aisle and then it was all confusing and a bridesmaid ended up carrying her down the aisle.  heh.  During the reception she danced and danced and danced.  It was insane!  She was hysterical.  She was so happy to be in the middle of a bunch of people dancing with them. 

We're totally not scheduley/routiney people but I guess that's exactly our routine?  We go with the flow and mostly take our cues from Beebs.  It's easy to see when she's tired or needs a change of scenery and we do so but for the past couple days we've been on everyone else's schedule and it shows.  We're walking around bleary eyed and Beebs is like..delirious.  Roommate laid her down and I haven't seen him since.  heh.

After we got into Austin today we checked into our hotel straight away and then unloaded the car and decided to swap nap times.  Beebs had slept for a few hours in the car on the way here so she was rarin' to go and we were dead so I napped a bit then Roommate and then Beebs and I showered and got ready to head out to do...something!  I just suck at planning vacation and I guess I didn't really plan.  So here I am in the hotel like searching things to do in Austin and googling this and that and writing down directions and it felt like a repeat of our last vacation when SO much of our time was spent being stressed about getting from point A to point B and back again.  So we leave tonight and we're just gonna go meander around Toy Joy and then go get some food to cook or something.  A few minutes into our ride to Toy Joy Beebs is out cold and I can't bear to wake her up so we decide to go find food - only to end up driving around the confusing as hell streets of Austin for an hour.  I ended up just driving and crying saying "I don't know how to do this." 

And I don't.  Know how to do this.  How the hell do you vacation?  Why does it feel like so much work?  How can we spend more time enjoying and less time navigating/being lost?  Do we just suck at vacation?  Is this a direct result of my lack of planning every minute freakin' detail?  Ugh.  Frustrated with myself.  And also some of this emotional drivel is a result of my tiredness.  Tomorrow I get to see T.  I was hoping to get to see a lot more of her and get some insider goodness for Austin but ironically she's heading to KC for a work thing. 

Do you have any vacationing tips for me now that we're here...vacationing..? 
A good night's sleep with no alarm clock will do us all a world of good.
I want to see the state capitol and go see the bats and eat lunch from a taco trailor (tomorrow) and we were going to go to Zilker park and do all sorts of fun things there but I think I might've read it's closed until the end of the month to be cleaned up after ACL.  Hm, anyway.  Lots of things.  yeah.