While not reading blogs as usual..I do feel like writing here in this precise moment where I feel so peaceful and warm. I'm in a happy place having just finished first a hot bath with lavender then a rejuvenating yoga session with warm muscles. Call me what you will but I adore the "inspirational audio track" the best. I've listened to the others and I just love listening to that one. It doesn't feel at all cheesy. It makes me breathe deeper and feel like I'm ok. She says, "This is not a competition" and I believe her. I hope you'll always find that this place I have will meet you right where you are and that place is ok. The soundtrack to my typing is a nature show about bears. Really, I couldn't be happier.
Today the weather was record-breaking warm here in Kansas City. I think it got up to 66. The warm winter has felt so eerie to me and I've spent it waiting for the other shoe to drop both now and then..someday. Today we went to the park (obviously) for hours. We walked on the trail and wandered off it down to the little trickling creek. Beebs said some people call it a creek and some people call it a stream. We passed some tangled up branches in an arch and inside was a whole group of cardinals, male and female. I thought next time we could bring a little bag of seed to sprinkle but then I wondered if that would be a nice supplement or messing with nature? heh. The park time was so lovely. We walked and walked and even ran playing hide and seek. I feel when I'm reluctant and make a note of it and press into it. Or at least try to. I think oh, running, bah and then I do it and then I'm like oh, huh, felt good to run around. WEIRD! Do not mistake this for me saying "I run now." I'm merely saying that instead of lounging at the park I'm an active participant which to me is success.
We stumbled (literally) over a dead raccoon. The flesh was all black but the tail was still covered in fluffy striped fur.
I'm down 10 pounds.
I feel good. My muscles are sore because I've started lifting weights and I tried to do a push-up. (That's right..I couldn't hardly properly do a "boy" push-up). I used to. My chest muscles are like um..what'd you do? I also tried some sit-ups for the heck of it. Bahaha! Anyway, hello from right here.
1.30.2012
1.26.2012
Breathin'
I put a little blip on twitter last night about feeling sad and overwhelmed. The internet and I aren't on great terms at the moment. A friend was relating to all the "noise" that can come from reading blogs and twitter (ETC!) and that's exactly it.. I am so grateful for support..I just feel a bit quieter and like I'm kind of battling with myself. Reading all that I read online has started to just make me feel inadequate instead of feeling inspiring. That feeling is generally determined by how I'm receiving all this info. It isn't put out there with ill intent I just take it in and..anyway. I'm going to take a breather. I'm still going to read email (bc really..I don't get much so it's not a huge time or brain suck) so if you want to send some, hey, now's the time!
Tomorrow is my amazing Roommate/husband's birthday. I love him very, very a lot. Happy birthday!
Tomorrow is my amazing Roommate/husband's birthday. I love him very, very a lot. Happy birthday!
1.23.2012
Sharing.
I don't know where to begin so I'll just jump right in. I talked to Roommate about this post prior to making it. This is something I haven't really felt was ready to be here yet. I wasn't ready. Enough time has passed that now I'm ready and I'm reaching out. Some of the best encouragement and support I have in my life comes from people that have come into my life through this place. Thank you for that. This is a humble place.
We've been trying to have a baby for the last year. The me of a year ago would've been surprised to see this post here as opposed to an announcement somewhere during the past year. I'm no longer surprised. It's where we are. One year is not long and many, many others struggle for much longer to conceive. I'm here just..being with this. My weight, the stress of my last job, neither of those are conducive to having a baby. I've wanted to and have tried losing weight before and trying to have a baby is certainly not my sole reason for focusing on my health and losing weight however, I really feel like it is the first step in improving my fertility. If you want to talk supplements and charting and temping and cervical mucous, I'd be happy to do that. I've learned a lot in the past year. Really though, my focus right now is dropping some weight to be a happier, healthier person and to help get my hormones regulated all on their own. So there ya go. I'm breathing a sigh of relief because now I feel open to talking about this struggle and experience here. Beebs would like a girl and a boy. She said we should name the boy "Poo Poo Face." Gosh, she sounds primed to be a big sister.
We've been trying to have a baby for the last year. The me of a year ago would've been surprised to see this post here as opposed to an announcement somewhere during the past year. I'm no longer surprised. It's where we are. One year is not long and many, many others struggle for much longer to conceive. I'm here just..being with this. My weight, the stress of my last job, neither of those are conducive to having a baby. I've wanted to and have tried losing weight before and trying to have a baby is certainly not my sole reason for focusing on my health and losing weight however, I really feel like it is the first step in improving my fertility. If you want to talk supplements and charting and temping and cervical mucous, I'd be happy to do that. I've learned a lot in the past year. Really though, my focus right now is dropping some weight to be a happier, healthier person and to help get my hormones regulated all on their own. So there ya go. I'm breathing a sigh of relief because now I feel open to talking about this struggle and experience here. Beebs would like a girl and a boy. She said we should name the boy "Poo Poo Face." Gosh, she sounds primed to be a big sister.
1.22.2012
Good Sunday morning to you. It was cold yesterday, the morning only in the single digits and it felt like real winter. It's a gray morning today with a high to be near 50 degrees. I stepped out back to sprinkle the last bits of popcorn left in our bowl last night for the birds and it smelled like Spring. It's not but it's warmer and it has rained and it smelled like wet dirt and promise.
I filled a sink with hot, soapy water in the kitchen and put on a little pot of water to boil - one of my favorite things - with peppermint oil dropped into the hot water. It immediately makes the house seem fresher and that's definitely one of my goals for today.
I'm pausing to go make this and get it in the oven. It's Heidi Swanson's Baked Oatmeal and in her recipe she calls for huckleberries and I've never had huckleberries so it always seems a bit like a children's book to me - in the best sort of ways. Anyway, here's the recipe. I'm using blueberries.
A quick note about my eating. I sort of felt a little smaller this morning. Not SMALL by any means but..smaller. I feel less bloated and my stomach feels a bit erm.."tighter." I don't know if that's the word but it feels less fat. I've lost 7 pounds as of last week. I'm waiting a week between weighing myself. It's been 2 weeks since I've eaten meat. My body thanks me. My digestion feels different. I've been eating tons of fiber - veg, fruit, beans, brown rice. I feel really motivated. Through challenging times I've really vocalized step-by-step where my brain is at. These times seem to come most often when I've been at work all day, I come home super hungry and there's no meal prepared and I am like, too hungry to focus and I just have to eat a small snack, slow down and I talk about what's in my head instead of being secretive and/or stuffing some food in my face. Roommate doesn't say much to me during these times but I at least feel like I'm being real and working through what's happening and in the end then I'm proud and motivated when I've made a good choice. Right now I have to go THROUGH the process because my knee-jerk reactions (habits) are not always the best.
Ok, I forgot to pause and go get my baked oatmeal in. It's 10:30. This is going to be a late breakfast. That's what Sundays are for. I'll cut up some fruit to go with it maybe. And I'm going to drink a cup of coffee. I've been kind of but not really concentrating on cutting back on coffee and some days I don't even drink it. Instead I'll have some yerba mate latte (my long love) with maybe a bit of soy creamer in it. I sort of released that one (I can't do that with eating yet) - but I released it like, let's not just go nuts here. This can't feel like punishment so I agreed to just slowly change the coffee deal. First of all, I realized I was guilty of this and had no idea and you might be too. Angela said she was making herself drink 32 oz of water in the morning before coffee and my immediate reaction was that bitch be crazy. I also felt like gah, that's extreme. Then I started doing it.. I realized that in the morning, being obviously a bit dehydrated from the night I'd really be looking forward to getting that coffee and chugging it. It wasn't in my mind, a way to wake up but I sooo looked forward to it. I still do and it smells amazing and I love it BUT -- I'm not using it to quench my thirst! I get that 32 oz of water in pretty fast and lately I've even started drinking it kind of warm but I wake up and come downstairs freezing so chugging cold water is pretty lame. Also delayed gratification while I'm waiting for that cup of coffee - so good!
I have a long way to go but I can't think of it like that. I'm just taking it a few pounds at a time because honestly I'm so tired of being fat I want this weight off of me NOW! I want it just GONE but it's going to take awhile. Sorry for that food ramble. Thanks for coming here.
I filled a sink with hot, soapy water in the kitchen and put on a little pot of water to boil - one of my favorite things - with peppermint oil dropped into the hot water. It immediately makes the house seem fresher and that's definitely one of my goals for today.
I'm pausing to go make this and get it in the oven. It's Heidi Swanson's Baked Oatmeal and in her recipe she calls for huckleberries and I've never had huckleberries so it always seems a bit like a children's book to me - in the best sort of ways. Anyway, here's the recipe. I'm using blueberries.
A quick note about my eating. I sort of felt a little smaller this morning. Not SMALL by any means but..smaller. I feel less bloated and my stomach feels a bit erm.."tighter." I don't know if that's the word but it feels less fat. I've lost 7 pounds as of last week. I'm waiting a week between weighing myself. It's been 2 weeks since I've eaten meat. My body thanks me. My digestion feels different. I've been eating tons of fiber - veg, fruit, beans, brown rice. I feel really motivated. Through challenging times I've really vocalized step-by-step where my brain is at. These times seem to come most often when I've been at work all day, I come home super hungry and there's no meal prepared and I am like, too hungry to focus and I just have to eat a small snack, slow down and I talk about what's in my head instead of being secretive and/or stuffing some food in my face. Roommate doesn't say much to me during these times but I at least feel like I'm being real and working through what's happening and in the end then I'm proud and motivated when I've made a good choice. Right now I have to go THROUGH the process because my knee-jerk reactions (habits) are not always the best.
Ok, I forgot to pause and go get my baked oatmeal in. It's 10:30. This is going to be a late breakfast. That's what Sundays are for. I'll cut up some fruit to go with it maybe. And I'm going to drink a cup of coffee. I've been kind of but not really concentrating on cutting back on coffee and some days I don't even drink it. Instead I'll have some yerba mate latte (my long love) with maybe a bit of soy creamer in it. I sort of released that one (I can't do that with eating yet) - but I released it like, let's not just go nuts here. This can't feel like punishment so I agreed to just slowly change the coffee deal. First of all, I realized I was guilty of this and had no idea and you might be too. Angela said she was making herself drink 32 oz of water in the morning before coffee and my immediate reaction was that bitch be crazy. I also felt like gah, that's extreme. Then I started doing it.. I realized that in the morning, being obviously a bit dehydrated from the night I'd really be looking forward to getting that coffee and chugging it. It wasn't in my mind, a way to wake up but I sooo looked forward to it. I still do and it smells amazing and I love it BUT -- I'm not using it to quench my thirst! I get that 32 oz of water in pretty fast and lately I've even started drinking it kind of warm but I wake up and come downstairs freezing so chugging cold water is pretty lame. Also delayed gratification while I'm waiting for that cup of coffee - so good!
I have a long way to go but I can't think of it like that. I'm just taking it a few pounds at a time because honestly I'm so tired of being fat I want this weight off of me NOW! I want it just GONE but it's going to take awhile. Sorry for that food ramble. Thanks for coming here.
1.17.2012
1.16.2012
"Mission-festo" - Eileen Valazza
You want to read this!
I almost teared up reading this - it hit me right where I am and made me feel proud of the positive changes I'm making and release some of the guilt! What a sweet feeling.
Thank you, thank you!!
I almost teared up reading this - it hit me right where I am and made me feel proud of the positive changes I'm making and release some of the guilt! What a sweet feeling.
Thank you, thank you!!
The haul.
We only had a few min to stop by Aldi on our way home today. My mom had to get to work but she'd told me they had small plants for $1.99 so I was interested. Popped by the produce aisle as well and this is what I ended up with.
I spent $30 total - I bought 5 plants so that was $10 the remaining $20 went for half & half (not for me!) and a package of cheese (not for me!) and:
4 lbs of clementine oranges
3 lbs of gala apples
12 small cucumbers
a pkg of grape tomatoes
a pint of blueberries
2 pkgs of small sweet peppers
1 pkg of baby carrots
a pkg with 4 small heads of "artisan" lettuce
3 avocados (I think these were like 39 or 49 cents ea. !@#$!@#$!@#$)
FOR $20!
The produce is not organic and I'm aware of the dirty dozen and I buy organic when I can.. I can't get it all right all the time! heh. I had this whole inner dialog with myself about how buying organic costs more but saves more when I don't have to pay for cancer treatments later. Anyway! I'm trying really hard! I made it through the weekend having made no awful food decisions! The most guilt I have is over the tortilla chips I ate with dinner Saturday night but I'm over it. I'm interested to weigh myself at work Wednesday and see if there's been any change.
In other news, the weather is straight up amazing. I've got another post coming with a bunch of phone photos I snapped while wandering outside at my mom's today.
For dinner I'm cooking some brown rice and these lovely tiny black lentils I bought. I'm going to cook a bunch of onions, peppers, mushrooms like fajita-type goodness. Little avocado on top. Yeah.
I spent $30 total - I bought 5 plants so that was $10 the remaining $20 went for half & half (not for me!) and a package of cheese (not for me!) and:
4 lbs of clementine oranges
3 lbs of gala apples
12 small cucumbers
a pkg of grape tomatoes
a pint of blueberries
2 pkgs of small sweet peppers
1 pkg of baby carrots
a pkg with 4 small heads of "artisan" lettuce
3 avocados (I think these were like 39 or 49 cents ea. !@#$!@#$!@#$)
FOR $20!
The produce is not organic and I'm aware of the dirty dozen and I buy organic when I can.. I can't get it all right all the time! heh. I had this whole inner dialog with myself about how buying organic costs more but saves more when I don't have to pay for cancer treatments later. Anyway! I'm trying really hard! I made it through the weekend having made no awful food decisions! The most guilt I have is over the tortilla chips I ate with dinner Saturday night but I'm over it. I'm interested to weigh myself at work Wednesday and see if there's been any change.
In other news, the weather is straight up amazing. I've got another post coming with a bunch of phone photos I snapped while wandering outside at my mom's today.
For dinner I'm cooking some brown rice and these lovely tiny black lentils I bought. I'm going to cook a bunch of onions, peppers, mushrooms like fajita-type goodness. Little avocado on top. Yeah.
1.15.2012
Down in the Valley
The Head and The Heart
I wish I was a slave to an age old trade...
Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways.
Stumblin' around.
Feeling good because I am halfway through the weekend and so far have successfully navigated eating real foods and eating only at home. I did eat some tortilla chips last night and 2 flour tortillas which felt like a TOTAL CHEAT and there was a little guilt that came with that but I'm also working on navigating that because man, it's sticky and those are the traps that would normally get me right back to well, I failed. Fuck it. While it's an hourly battle I'm also keeping my eyes on the big picture so I don't lose sight of that beautiful, beautiful goal.
Mostly I've been avoiding meat, dairy, refined sugar and as much bread as possible. I haven't had any bread for awhile but I have had some wraps and those tortillas. As far as dairy goes, I've yet to eliminate it completely because I have been eating the occasional feta crumbled on my salad. I think I'm going to make it through the weekend unscathed!!
Mostly I've been avoiding meat, dairy, refined sugar and as much bread as possible. I haven't had any bread for awhile but I have had some wraps and those tortillas. As far as dairy goes, I've yet to eliminate it completely because I have been eating the occasional feta crumbled on my salad. I think I'm going to make it through the weekend unscathed!!
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These photos are a bit dark and crappy in quality but they're of our snail on the Christmas stuff Beebs picked out for her aquarium.
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