Total Skeptic.

Public Broadcast

We've been watching a lot of PBS. We seem to keep catching the Adam Bold Investment show and Charlie Rose. We happily caught Frontline last night, a show on Independent Lens and tonight "Out of the Shadows," a program on depression. Catching the show seemed almost ironic and I felt a wave of guilt when the postpartum depression segment came on. It was as though a spotlight hit me. I'm making a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

Um..

When I see that Pepsi commercial where the girl's slurping from a straw and every suck pulls Justin Timberlake closer -- I start to really, really wish I was sipping soda from a straw. It seems so...PARTY!

Today has been hard.

Hard not because the baby has been crying inconsolably or feeding constantly or pooping all over everything or any other number of complaints new parents can very justifiably have. No, today has been hard because I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm feeling quite inadequate in a number of ways all related to being human, a wife, a mama, a daughter, a friend, a solitary creature, all of those things.

As I'm typing this I am sitting on the bed opposite my roommate. Between us with her feet at the head of the bed is our daughter. She has her arms outstretched with a hand on each of us. We are so in love with her and want to do things right. I find myself running to the laptop to google something, hoping for an answer that says something like, "You're not doing anything wrong, this is normal."

Let's not jump in and pin the postpartum depression on me just yet. I wouldn't be ashamed of such a diagnosis, I just don't think I'm there yet. I'm also not denying the very real possibility that I will indeed get there.

I don't intend to give disclaimers for everything I'm writing - it's just that I can't quite get the words out. All very normal, I'm sure - but that doesn't really guide my path in figuring myself out.

Feelin' punchy!!

Oh man I eat so much food these days! I'm currently eating an ice cream sandwich. The sacrifices I make to get an adequate amount of calcium! I'm also partway through painting my fingernails in Peach Daiquiri. How very summer and sunshine and sandals!

The hybrid and I tried out the Babyhawk today and we LOVE it. I've been totally intimidated by it but decided to read the instructions for putting a newborn in it and it worked great. She was so snug in there. Some family is coming into town this weekend and we'll be going out and about so I'm glad we're liking this carrier. It will be fun to use. (Oh and hey, how 'bout that smooshy belly? Rock!)




Also, while I'm outing myself as a total consumer - I bought the baby cleanser "Squeaky Green" by Method (found at Target - and cheaper there than on the website) and it smells amazing. I can't stop smelling my baby's sweet head. Smells like rice milk and mallow. So soft and sweet. Mmm..
( People Against Dirty )

Tied up being smitten.

Things are sweet.
Tonight we took a walkabout in the cemetery with the beeb in the stroller.
She's just as lovely as can be.
Today at the pediatrician we learned that after bringing her home at 6 pounds 11 ounces, she is now, a week and a half later, up to 8 pounds 4 ounces! The doctor suggested that perhaps my breasts are manufacturing cream. Mmm...eat up, beebs.

I am a ravenous beast these days.
We love being at home.
I wake her up at night to feed her (don't tell) and the doctor said instead of doing so every 3 hours I can let her sleep 4 or 5 hours. I'm not sure if she will or not but we'll see what happens.
She's beautiful and wonderful and *dreamy sigh.*
We're totally keeping her.

and..
Roommate is the most awesome dad ever.

Splurge.

These were expensive.
I bought them as baby-friendly lights for our bedroom for nighttime activities that need some gentle lighting. Err, said activities include breastfeeding and changes! They last up to 8 hours. I'd also like them on our dinner table with friends or placed around the living room. I also purchased one of the poppy colored covers and a butter colored one. I'll let you know how we like 'em.

OXO Candela Lights on Vessel

Post-partum things.

I'm remarking to Roommate that while we ended up with an ass ton of onesies we have nothing like pants or anything to go with them. He asks quite logically, "What's the point of a onesie if you need a twosie?"

The hybrid is a total breastfeeding rockstar! SO. Glad.

Car seat finally arrived today. Love it. (been using a hand-me-down that sucks)

(Labor story pending..) When she was born I kept saying "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God" basically chanting it and finally said outloud, "I really should think of something cooler to say right now."

Since the day I found out I was pregnant I have lost 52 pounds. This astounds and embarrasses me simultaneously. I documented the belly pretty well so now I'm showing it to you in all its post-partum glory. This is it one week after the baby was born. This is going to continue and I'm pretty excited to not be paralyzed by self-consciousness.

In the interim.

One of the downsides of keeping a (very small) degree of anonymity is that I can't tell you our daughter's name. I like it a lot.
I can tell you she weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces and was 20 inches long.
And I can post another picture.



The day we came home from the hospital we got out of the car and the warm air was filled with the smell of lilacs. We have two big lilac bushes in our yard, one right outside her bedroom window. Growing up there was a lilac bush outside two of my bedroom windows and they grew up halfway over the windows and smelled so good. I can tell you that right now, the lilacs have never smelled better.

First Friday.

This is our first Friday as a family.
Man, friends. It's been some week.
I have so much to tell you. My labor was 100% nothing like I imagined. We went in Sunday (only after I blogged, right) and she was born Monday afternoon. Wow. Just..wow.

I feel comfortable showing her here now as you'd not be picking her out of a lineup of newborns.
I want to tell you about labor, for my sake to keep it in some sort of record. I want to talk about the way my view of my body has changed 100%. I want to talk about what the act of overflowing feels like. You may or may not want to take part in all of that but it's coming. I am so in love.

Just after she was born.