If you, wait for me.. then I'll.. come for you.

It was a bit before 6 when I got home from work. These days I leave around 6:45 and dive into Rush Hour head first, driving east, straight into the sun. On my trek home, west, straight into the sun. It seems powerful but mostly it's just hard to see. I'm short so it's hard to actually utilize the visor much.

We had one of those miniature pecan pies in the cabinet. You know, it's 3 inches or so, in a tiny little tin. I cut it into 4 triangle pieces and we each ate 2 pieces. At the end I mused that we'd "..eaten the entire pie!" It was cute in the way that exact replicas of big things are in miniature form.

We stood at the counter and I told him about another day at work. He patiently listened and even put up a personal battle on my behalf. It helped.

I cooked polenta for dinner. I cut red, yellow and green peppers, onion and garlic and tomatoes. Tossed in some salt, pepper and basil and we sauced our slices of polenta. Cheese was sprinkled, tea was sipped and bellies were filled. All was well and we laughed. After dinner I sat at the table for a moment and my mood went hurtling as low as possible. I still can't explain it. That happens. I behave so ugly sometimes. I ended up punching him in the arms. It was playful at first but then, somewhere inside, my playful punches were spilling frustration. He went outside and I piled laundry into the washing machine. What makes me get so cold? It's like there's a nasty being inside me, living all fat and happy. It's warm and slimy and mean, wallowing around just waiting for it's chance. I guess that's just anger, right? Everyone deals with it differently. I subconsciously feed mine huge dinners of frustration and self-loathing. The thing dines on doubt for dessert and leans back to chuckle and rub it's belly. It lies in wait and I always come calling. My actions come out violently and loudly or at times just in hot tears. Those things make me disappointed in myself.

I'm glad I have created this place to talk about whatever's in my head but ya'know how you get really excited about doing something and you try really hard to do it well but you realize there are others that do it soooo much better and so you figure...why bother? I feel that way often. It's a silly way to feel but not uncommon I don't think. It can apply in many areas. Writing, art, whatever. There have been times in my life where I intentionally left the house looking like complete shit because I thought if I looked like I had spent any time and effort at all, but still came out looking shitty it would be worse because then people would know I had tried and still failed. It's funny to write out what I'm feeling and read the words, only to think of what I'd have to say if someone else were writing the same. Hind sight?

I just keep hashing it out, trying to figure out who I am. I'm 25 and I suppose this is prime "finding yourself" time. The job situation does weigh heavy though because I hate what I'm doing and the way I'm treated makes me feel worthless. I do realize that people have to put up with a lot of the bad stuff in order to partake in the good stuff. Patience, persistence, perseverance and on and on and on. Perhaps this is the part where I scold myself for being unhappy, like I have no right to be. cliche, cliche, cliche.

Can't you just do it for me?
I'll pay you well.
Fuck! I'll pay you anything if you could unders...
Can't you just fix it for me?
It's gone berserk.
Fuck! I'll give you anything if you can make the damn thing work.
Can't you just fix it for me?
I'll pay you well.
OH FUCK, I'll pay you anything if you could understand!

I love you, won't you tell me your name.
Hello, I'm good for nothing.
Do you love me just the same?

dresden dolls.