unicorns
When I was younger I loved unicorns. I had a ceramic one on a little stand that twirled and played music. I broke its horn off accidentally. At a carnival my dad won me this huge stuffed unicorn with a rainbow mane.
I don't know what to do. I need help. I need words of wisdom. It's been two days since I talked to my dad. He called Mom two nights ago sobbing and just kept saying over and over, "It's not good." He had some more tests run a few weeks ago and got the results from those this week. He hasn't mentioned any of this to me. I don't know how to inquire without prying. "So, hey, how's that cancer?" If I were in his place I really think I'd go clinically insane. My coping mechanisms don't exactly function up to par. I don't want anyone to tell me or him that it's going to be okay because that's not reality and it's not helpful in the least. Also, I already know that it can help just for me to be there, to listen. I wish our relationship had been different because this sure is a shitty time to try and make it better.
I've probably said this already but he has prostate cancer that is metastatic. That means it has spread to his bones. It is inoperable. It is advanced. I'm scared that his news from the docs is that it has spread to another vital organ, his lungs, his liver, his brain. I don't know. If it were my mom in this situation I'd not be so afraid about how to act or what not to say. She would know in her heart that my intentions were always good and I'd want her to tell me everything. I'd act from my gut. My dad keeps me at more than arm's length. He doesn't even know me.
I want to go to the doctor with my dad. I know he won't let me. I'll sit in the waiting room. I just want to be there.
His 29 yr old new step-daughter calls him "Daddy."
3 comments:
Well, shit. I'm sorry to read all this.
You ask for advice? Damn, that's not easy. I don't know you outside of this blog, and I don't know your father outside of this blog. That said, it might not be so bad to go ahead and tackle it directly. It's not like you'll be reminding him of a sickness that had slipped his mind if you bring it up. And it's not like it's unreasonable as a daughter to want to know what's going on. My experience with people with terminal disease is not huge, but in the situations I know of, they tend to be almost relieved when you raise the issue and get it out in the open.
But, like I said, I don't know the players in theis one, and I respect your judgment. All I really know for certain is that I'm horribly sorry that you are going through this, and I'm hoping that you and he get through all this with as little pain and as much growth as possible. Hang in there!
Thanks for the post - My Dad was just diagnosed last week with Stage IV colon cancer with spots on his lungs and liver - "Metastatic" - yeah, that is the word - wish I never learned it. Anyway, we have a close relationship and I still don't know how to handle this other than to talk and be open. The hardest part is protecting their privacy and their coping methods without seeming like you don't care enough. Maybe this will bring you two together - sometimes you have to make the first move. Good luck.
i take your words and appreciate them so much. they're kind and helpful.
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