Blech.

I've developed a distaste for this blog. I'm not sure what exactly happened but it was sudden and very distinct. I haven't wanted to look at or write on this blog.

Random point of interest, to me. There are a handful of "LiveJournal" people that I read on a daily basis. On occasion I'll leave a comment regarding something written. I generally only leave a comment if it's positive or inquisitive. It baffles me that it seems most LiveJournal users ignore any person commenting that is not a fellow LiveJournal user. I almost hear a distant, "Um...who do they think they are? Commenting on my LiveJournal?!"
So anyway, I think that's shitty. I only meant well.

I hope you're doing well. I've created a new outlet for myself and have only let friends and family see the place. It's much more eh.. personal? It has pictures of us and our names and such. It feels comfortable there. This feels like a place churning with some bad vibes. Kind of like our old home, I can hardly bring myself to go there/here.

Music and the Meow. He (the husband) started sorting his CD's tonight. This is a section of the piles. The cat seemed comfortably intrigued.

A quick thank you.

I've been feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Thank you to the 1 person that sent a few encouraging words. I'm not bitter, really.

sad.

I'm so disappointed.
I just checked my email and found that the really great job I was about to whisk my resume off to has already been filled. I've been waiting for our stupid DSL connection to be turned on and it finally was today. You can't use disks at the library so I just planned to get it sent as soon as everything was up and running. The position is filled. I lost. I didn't even get a chance. The pay was much more than any job I've ever had and I thought I had a chance. Damn. DAMN.

coffee and sunshine.

Thank you for the sunshine. It improves my mood so much.

I wish someone could look at my resume and just tell me if it's horrible. I don't know really. There are lotsa different kinds. The other person that lives here looked over it after I worked on it yesterday and I then tweaked a few things, omitted a couple of other things and now I sit...poised..ready to whisk it off to a couple of different companies but scared to do so.. It feels incomplete or immature. What's your resume look like? And hey, the Garden State soundtrack is really fucking good. To me.

They've set up a room for me downstairs.

Hi. Back at the library again. They love me here. No, not actually, probably.

I think I need counseling. I feel stupid. I'm a useless mess. My brain is all mush and wishy-washy dreaminess and unknowing, unthinking, undecisiveness. It's pretty horrible and it makes me feel like a louse. Today I told my mom when she called that I had just come in from feeding the birds. I realize this makes me sound like some sorta bored granny but I like when the birds are all over the yard so I feed the birds, toppins a bag, or some shit. So anyway, she replies, "Aww, you're a good little housewife." Ew. The words made me cringe. I fed the birds because I fucking like it. I like them all over my yard pecking happily at their find in the cold. My yard's the jackpot, baby. I don't do crap because I think it's my wifely duties. GRR. blah.
When my husband arrived home from work I felt like even more of a louse. All day long I just wish he was home and that we were doing something together. I sometimes even wish someone had written down a list for me because I'd feel more obligated to accomplish that as opposed to a list I'd written for myself because nowadays those tend to end up shuffled under something (on purpose) or in the trash, generally uncompleted. I used to get sick satisfaction from being able to cross something off of my list...but now I just whine apparently. I'm certainly doing an awful lot of that here. It's always me, me, me, isn't it? Yuck.

Over dinner we talked about stuff. I said things like, "...thinking about going back to school." and "...have absolutely no idea what I'd want to study." A bachelor's degree seems nearly meaningless... or perhaps just mine does because of the field of study, or maybe it's because I spent a few years doing something completely unrelated after college. God. I feel like such a mess. I need some direction. I need a fucking guidance counselor. Uhhhh... should I take some classes? What classes should I take? Should I go for a bachelor's degree in something else? Should I work on my Master's? What do I like? What sort of career field am I even interested in? Is it possible to find something I love and do something along those lines as a career?! Perhaps I could get a career in whining and begging for structure & guidance? Whaddya think? I feel so agitated with stuff right now. I'm in a rut. I started that crappy job at the bank just to pay bills...not because I had any interest in it. How do I figure out what I want to pursue? What about me makes me feel so wishy-washy. I'm the best person to know myself, right? I should know more than anyone what my interests are and what sort of career I'd like to do...but... No. I don't.

This Monday is trying to be manic.

I just will not allow it. The day is nice and this library is nice. I got a call back from the sub shop I spoke of and it sounds like an ok job for a bit BUT they wanna pay me tiddlywinks. Holy crap. I haven't made so little since high school and thus, I think I'll have to pass it up. I mean, if I were desperately searching for something...some money is better than none..but that isn't exactly the case and so the search continues (in a most lazy way). I need to whisk my resume off to a company I'm really interested in working for but my DSL is in limbo because while it's real simple (click) to get your phone turned on...it'll take awhile longer for the DSL to come (try 5 times longer) and since the weekend nosed in there that'll tack on a few more days without DSL. No big deal really but I want to forward my resume on to this company ASAP because it pays well and I think I'd like working for them. Anyway, I realize there are perhaps a few others ways to get my resume to them but the deadline is February 1st and I think I'll have it all under control by then. Too bad my resume looks like a piece of crap. It's so unoriginal and stupid looking. Argh!! The resume is always frustrating to me. I'm not as worthless as I somehow make myself appear on paper. I'm pretty smart, have a degree, can read and write yet I look kind of lame on paper. I'm awfully full of ramble bambles today huh?

The address/sharing thing.. Yes, blogging is about sharing. I'm not seeking a load of material possessions but sharing some physical items did sound fun. One person responded and he'll be receiving sumpin' this week. Yayayayay.

I have to drive over to our old house today and I'm dreading this trip to the max. It's out of the way, I've grown to hate the house and without sounding cooky, the place is just brimming with bad vibes. I do need to pick up our mail and our phone, though. Ugh.

Mail to drop off at the post office. Bills to pay, trip to shitty ol' Independence, some more organizing at home and I'm cooking some 'white chili' for dinner. It's made with chicken and has yummy things like green chiles and cilantro in it. Meow. The morning started off semi-rough but I have much hope for the rest of the day. I put a yoga tape in, VCR devoured it.. I tried to play a game (*cough the SIMS cough*) and it completely shut down on me twice but I did manage to bathe and put on clean clothes, so that's worth something! I hope you're having a nice Monday.

Call me Crazy.

So, I have this idea..
It's very simplistic in nature.
The idea is that of sharing.
Sometimes I find the smallest thing that I think someone else I know would really enjoy and I'd like to be able to send it to them. It may be a bit of paper, a newspaper clipping, a neat picture, a lamp, anything. I have a lovely, very creative friend that used to send me letters composed purely of alphabet soup noodles (uncooked). She also once made me a picture frame made entirely out of empty pixie stix.
I love real letters on paper..written with real ink. I like homemade cards and crazy lamps and old flower pots. Sometimes I want to send on these things or have the ability to share something. Maybe I have something you'd like. I'm thinking of getting a PO Box so that I could give it out without worrying too much about crazy folks but perhaps I'll just use the good judgment that rests in my belly and go with it.

Anyway, you can find my email address in my profile. Send me your address if you like. Tell me your favorite color. Who knows.. this could be really great.


Pomegranate.

Yay! Eeee!!!

I've been semi-productive today. Walking around town suits me well. I like my scarf. I like my jacket. I like my bag overloaded with library books. I like looking into the windows of little bakeries and flower shops. I stopped into a little sub shop and was strangely smitten. It was something hidden inside me. I was apprehensive but spoke with the manager guy, he had me scribble some things about myself on a piece of paper and said he'd call me to chat. Not many hours, not a lot of money...but it seemed promising to me. I'm stupid, aren't I? Working in food is lame-O. This place just felt quaint. The guy I spoke with is a KU graduate, film major, seemed like totally my kind of person...very real. He talked to me about his last job, banging his head against the wall and falling into this position.. He's been there for the past year or so..is working on some marketing, opening new places for them.. We could relate on that level. We talked about radio (my gig in/immediately following college). So, for whatever reason.. I went into this cute little sub shop today and may be starting a job there. Eh. Who knows, right? I'm up for anything that has some fun involved. Whaddya think? I told him if I were to take a job there..I most certainly was not looking for a career and he said he wasn't either but it may turn into that.. If for some crazy reason (and crazy things DO happen) that guy reads this blog.. I should tone it down on the details, eh?

I bought 2 cookies, 1 for me, 1 for him, at the bakery next door. It was cute and they informed me that they're not looking for anyone right now. I wish I knew what the hell it is that I want to do. The manager at the sub shop is a writer. Do you see what I mean? At all? It seemed a strange kinship...ya'know? I was so happy happy, excited to see comments on the ol' blog. Very fun. Thank you. I should be unpacking.

Live, On Location!

Here I sit in the beautiful North Kansas City Public Library, close to my new, wonderful home!! We got completely moved in this past weekend but have yet to unpack everything. Some things are put away and the cat is settling in well. We have lotsa windows and a big, nice living room. The computers have not been set up yet so we chose to just come down the street to the library. Ta Da!!

I'm happy to report that I quit my job yesterday. I was a pretty horrible person about it. I just didn't go. They called me many, many, many times through the course of the day and I simply did not answer. Last night I went and dropped off my keys. I'm done there...YAY!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I got a great new haircut today and am just happy. Now and then some guilt creeps in from quitting my job in a shitty manner but..eh, such is life. It just wasn't worth it. IT WASN'T worth it!! So, how are you doing?? You should drop by sometime. I've missed you..

In the middle of the night.

He came to bed after me. I had been sleeping soundly. I woke up when he crawled over me to his side.

him: "Richard and Lily are having another baby. It's a girl."
me: "What'd you name her?"
him: "I don't remember."
us: (silence, sleepy snuggling.)
me: "Did he get that promotion?"
him: "Yes. He's a superhero now. He wears a cape."

mi casa es su casa.

I obsessively crave an incredibly tight-knit family that loves spending time together, that is always upfront, that doesn't spew nastiness about one another when the other isn't looking and that will grab you and gobble you up in their home, genuinely, so happy to see you. My husband has shown me that such a thing can exist and now I want it all around me, overflowing.
It's hard to find.


At the top of my list of things I never want to hear my dad yell into my ear is "Cocksucker!"

Had to add some bitter to the sweet.
Balance.
All in moderation, dear child.

Icy Apocalypse 2005.

Mother Nature Reigns Destruction Over the Midwest!
Shroud of Ice Suffocates City!

Seriously, could we freak out a bit more? We were outta milk so I made one of those regular, quick stops by the store to get some.. It wasn't one of those panic-stricken, load-up-on-necessity-items-in-case-we-lose-power-and-are-iced-in-for-a-month type trips.. just needed some milk, folks. The store was completely overloaded with people, all looking nervous.
We talked tonight about staying warm if we lost power. We discussed our various gas-powered appliances and decided we would indeed be able to survive..albeit more expensive. heh. At present I'm nestled near the space heater and wouldn't mind just crawling inside of it. Stay calm. Have some cocoa.
Unfortunately (at times like this) I only live 3 miles from work so I'll be listening to Johnny Paycheck, "Take this job and shove it" all the way to the bank. Literally.
har.
har.

I am..

Feeling admittedly cruddy but wondering how to begin packing to move. That's the worst moment.. the moment that you don't know how or where to start. I thought I could be so incredibly productive today but I suppose we'll see. I'm meeting up with my mom this afternoon. I thought, HEY!!! I could take a load of things over to the new place.. Everything has to go so I suppose it doesn't matter exactly where I begin.. I just hafta begin. I think a good start would be a hot shower and clean clothes. I'll do some things around here, meet up with Mom, perhaps try having a bite to eat. If I could pile some things in the car before I leave.. that'd be great, right? Anything is progress at this point. Aye. Come over.

Impulsive Idiot?

H E L P

I need some advice.
Give me loads.
Today I went to work sick. I tried my best not to vomit but was unsuccessful and then was promptly sent home. My boss got all hateful that I'd even showed up, proclaiming the fact that I'd be struggling to run the bank on my own once I infected the entire place. Ugh. So I went home, a portion of the day will be unpaid due to the fact that I've not worked there long enough to earn any time off. The sick time is incredibly non user-friendly. The thing is, now I wish to never return. Am I a horrible person? People face these thoughts on a daily basis and just keep trudging through the job they hate. See, my husband and I tend to make up our minds to do something and then just do it. We wanted to get married.. we did a couple weeks later. We decided we needed to move and are moving this weekend. Now I've decided I'd like to quit my job, help us get moved, settle into our new home..then get a new job close to our new home. I don't want to ever go back to my shitty job. Why does it seem so selfish and lofty-utopian to want a job that you enjoy? Why do I seem like a snobby bitch for not wanting to settle for this position I hate. I suppose the mature/responsible thing to do would be to merely wait it out a few months, or give my polite 2 weeks' notice only after having already secured a new job, however.. I have never claimed to be a) mature or b) responsible. So, I guess that means that in the next 10 hours I'll decide whether to sleep in and then start packing or just go back to work tomorrow and suck it up. I'm a really good worker so I deserve a good reference. I suppose it'd be foolish to blow that on one impulsive decision. Perhaps tomorrow I'll just put in 2 weeks' notice and that will be enough inspiration to keep me returning for 2 more weeks. Moving is going to be hard. It's difficult to work all day and then come home to pack and start moving. I work this weekend as well so our only choice is to move a few hours every evening. I'll cease this conversation with myself now. What to do. What to do. I'm convinced.. You don't have to hate your job. Go ask Clouds and Poop. You don't have to be miserable. Sure, plenty of people are.. but it doesn't have to be that way. All I want is enough money to pay the bills and buy something we want now and then. I desire nothing lavish. Argh. Help!!

Excessive posting. This one containing more than you really care to know.. Ever.

1. I started new birth control today. Yasmin. At this moment I can hardly keep down the cheese & crackers I had a bit ago.
2. I've been having problems with my girl guts and this Thursday I have to have a little procedure done. ew.
3. Lately I'm embarassingly lazy. Our house is a mess, I've not even begun the idea of packing. Many of our things remain packed from our respective moves but still, we've been living here a few months and the place is currently a wreck. At one of the homes we looked at (cute bungalow from the 20's) the old lady landlord asked my husband if his wife is a good housekeeper. I informed her that He is. God.
4. We need help moving. I remain hopeful and am honestly trying not to be a whiney twit. Again, just daunting.
5. There are phone calls I need to make that I just cannot seem to make. Dad, current landlord type person, new landlord, old friends. Something inside me has turned awkward and dreadful when it comes to these things lately.
6. I hope I don't seem just dramatic and whiney. I'm really quite the opposite, just sputtering out some thoughts. The other night as we lay in bed I cried awhile, talking out everything in my head. I was kind of a wreck but I told him I just needed to talk it out.. outloud, to help myself understand what I was thinking and feeling.
7. Dad calls mom, his current arch-enemy to talk bad about me. Yes, Dad, therefore, I'd LOVE to call you. ASAP.
8. I think there's a good chance I may never want children. Ever.
9. I obtained my Bachelor's degree from William Jewell in 2002. Why oh why did I go to a college that is a) so close to my parents' home and b) so horribly closed minded and conservation. Liberal Arts College. heh.
10. I have no brothers and sisters.
11. My husband has an identical twin.
12. Last week I sent a good friend of mine from college a picture of me from behind with my pants down that declared, "Merry Assmas!"
13. I'm embarassed that I allow my feelings to get hurt rather easily these days.
14. I ate dinner at Kelso's pizza in North Kansas City last night. I had the Spedini Grinder. I don't recommend it but they do have yummy pizza. Speaking of NKC, home of CloudsandPoop, we drove around town the other day after driving past our new place (again) and saw Chip Shot. heh. Just noteworthy.
15. It seems most of our possessions, aside from a few decorative type items are hand-me-downs and I want stuff that is OURS. Stuff that shows our tastes. Things we like. Things that compliment us and bring us comfort, pleasure in using them!!! Damn it! Do you understand? I hate this chair, the only chair we have, that my mom gave to me after the divorce. I hate it because it's not my style. I hate it because it was never mine. I hate it because it belonged to my mom and dad. I hate the stupid ruffle at the bottom. I hate the teal color. I hate the stupid flowers embroidered throughout with satiny teal thread. I hate the fucking thing.
16. Tonight I am not at my best.
17. I actually have my nails painted right now. A rarity. Cherry rain. heh.
18. I just started looking at Ikea for some cheapish things.
19. There's a gift card for World Market burning a hole in my pocket.
20. blech.

* * * * * * * * * *

I just read this article.
I think I'll wait it out until my I am eligible for my vacation time.
We'll take a lovely trip then start fresh perhaps.

I was listening to The Stranglers - "Golden Brown."
It made me wanna waltz around in circles.

I am nearly overwhelmed at the task of packing and moving.
In August I moved. In October we moved him in. Now we're moving together.. our lease is only 6 months, so we may move again in June. Moving 4 times in a 10 month period is ick. The landlord does not want the home to come vacant again in the winter and thus we had the option of signing for 6 months or 18. It seemed that things could be so different in 18 months so we chose 6. Logic. See?

. . . and now I listen to The Dears - "Heartless Romantic."
It's true.. I am.

a Love Affair.

As if I weren't smitten enough already.. last night I was seduced.
The Dresden Dolls were amazing. Everything about their show emitted power. It was raw, ugly-beautiful, sensual, heavy, light.. It was everything all at once. They were giving, coming out twice for encores. It may be awhile because my computer hates me, has run out of space and we'll be moving but I have tons of pictures and I'd really like to pick a few to share. I was snapping photos like a nerd. If you were there..you may have seen us. If you saw some really tall people, one particular girl with her short black hair, streaked with red, pretty eyes, jade earrings, a black strapless dress, black checkered stockings, huge, clunky black docs with pink laces, yeah..well.. I was the one standing behind her. heh. It does seem that the absolute tallest people chose to stand in front of my 5'2" self but I stood firm. We looked for jdoublep and his always lovely companion but were unsuccessful in our search. In short, the concert was grand. The first opening band (I've forgotten their name. eep. Matson uh..) anyway.. They were wonderful! It's sometimes rare that you can say that about an opening band but they were really fucking great. The second opening band was Kelpie and I didn't have any semblance of fondness for them at all. Oohh. I can't wait to show pictures. The amazing expressive faces of the Dresden Dolls are so bright. Mm.. sigh.