I just haven't been able to talk to him lately. It's all gone downhill. It seems to just continue to rot and fester. It's my dad. That's him. He called tonight and spoke to my answering machine. He ended eloquently.. "Have a nice life."
I really am seriously boring these days. If anyone calls (a true rarity) I find myself sitting rather silent at times for pure lack of anything to say. I try to really, really limit the "job talk" because nobody wants to hear it. Sorry, husband. You get it by default. Had an interview today and it looks like I'll be doing some temp work. Yippee. It's a paycheck, right? Plus I feel like I can do that without feeling like I have to make some false commitment if I start working for a company I don't really want to work for. This way, the crap job is truly temporary and I'll continue the searching and reading. Thank you very much to Joe over at KCSoil. That guy's really a brilliant sort and I always appreciate his words. I'm reading "What Color is Your Parachute?" at his recommendation and I'm going to walk down to the library in a little bit to pick up one on hold that he recommended, "Zen and the Art of Making a Living." Thank you for putting up with my needy requests for advice, Joe. You've helped more than you know...even if I am still unemployed. heh.
When I returned home from my interview, I was greeted warmly by yet another rejection letter. At the end of all these NO's waits my amazing, happy, fulfilling, YES. I'm still getting laughed at by people around me when I tell them my ridiculous notion of finding a job that I am passionate about.. one that I truly enjoy down in my bones. They scoff and tell me, duh, everyone wants that.. but (paraphrasing) the truth is.. I need to just suck it up and face my lot in life.. to work at a miserable job day in and day out until I die or retire. Blech. No thank you.
The weather outside is amazing. I can't resist it. I had the windows down while I was driving, listening to my new Shins CD my husband bought for me last night...along with Arcade Fire. Mmm.. Go outside today or tomorrow all that you can. We need some sunshine, fresh air and dirt to keep us grounded. Before I close.. a snippet from today's rejection letter.
"Thank you for your recent inquiry into the position of _____________ at __________________. Your credentials and qualifications were most impressive..... However, after careful consideration, we realized, like all the others before us have, you really do suck major ass. We will certainly keep your resume on file so that we can wipe our asses on it when we're out of TP. Good luck in your search (you're gonna need it!!). Sincerely, _________."
In bed, pursuing sleep, 1:46 am.
me: I can imitate an earthworm. wanna see?
him: yes.
me: *writhing*
him: *impressed*
me: My dad told me if you ripped one in half you'd get 2 worms.
him: me too.
him: *pretending to do so* you'd stretch it way out until it finally snapped in 2.
me: "Earthworm!, meet your new friend, worm, also known as, Your ass."
I had strange dreams. In one I was running and hiding from my dad.
In the next, I wanted to bring 2 friends here to show them our house but it was completely overrun with homosexual boy scouts. There were 10 or so laying in a heap on the couch, sleeping. When I went into the bathroom there were 2 more, one on his knees. He shoved me around and told me to watch, wouldn't let me out. I screamed for my dad.
The modest mouse concert was raw and lovely. I enjoyed it very much. I'm not sure if it was my own mind creating the idea or what but it seemed the slightest bit, hmm..I don't know the word. It seemed pre-packaged. That's not an adequate description. Perhaps it's the fact that I know they're on tour and so I'm sure our concert blended in with the one the next day in st. louis, then iowa, then nebraska, wherever. You know, every girl wants to feel special, like she's the one. They really banged out a great show but do you see what I mean?
After he got home from work we hung around home for a bit. I always feel like he probably needs to "decompress" a bit after work. His stomach was feeling ick so he wasn't keen on getting dinner. We finally left and I stopped and got something quick to put into my belly. We drove to the Uptown Theater, a mere 10 minutes away.. For some reason it always seems like it's going to be further? We parked on the roof of the shopping center along with about 4 other cars and I wondered where everyone was. The line wasn't that long. We were in line by 6:15. I felt old in that line. Behind us were 2 nice, quiet guys. Behind them were some raucous assholes. I'm all about having a good time but what the hell? Some people really do crave attention desperately. The ring-leader of this group was tall and so incredibly loud. Here we are, standing in close proximity to one another all the way down the sidewalk. His friends are no more than 6 inches away from him, yet still he feels the need to scream every stupidass thing he's talking about. He was just positive that he was fucking hilarious. Unfortunately, he wasn't. I probably wouldn't have minded his unnecessarily LOUD-AS-HELL voice if he was funny. On top of that, he kept yelling about how the doors were supposed to open at 6:30. Everything I read said they opened at 7. By 7 I was feeling rather cold. I'm not sure when the doors actually did open because I don't wear a watch but I know it wasn't 7. I also know the first band didn't take the stage at 7:30 as scheduled. We devised a strategy while at home (dorks!) and stuck with that once inside. We headed straight for the balcony and had cozy seats in the corner on the front row of the balcony. I love being close but it was great to see everything, albeit from further away, and simultaneously be comfortable.
I have a bad habit of eavesdropping and that night was no different. The high school couple behind us chatted about pot and her desire for them to get married at The Uptown. He insisted they were not getting married and she insisted that yes indeed, they were. They battled over some high score on a game on her cell phone. My husband wondered later why so many damn people were completely surrounded by friends and screaming on the phone to others. Ugh. Off the topic, is it ok to cut in line? Am I naive? Tell me. I watched loads of people show up at the last minute, even as we were walking in, then just hop in line with their friends that had been standing in line forever. Is that ok? Am I a party-crashing old hag? I realize it's very possible, I just want to know.
Anyway, Cass McCombs, I absolutely could not get into. I found myself zoning out completely and then returning to reality only to realize they were still playing. They played much too long. After waiting a few months for the stage to be ready again, Mason Jennings took the stage. I really enjoyed him and the 2 other guys with him. I swooned when he played the harmonica. I'm a total sucker for harmonica. After several more months of waiting for the stage to be prepped, we then waited months longer until modest mouse actually took the stage. At one point in the wait someone announced that it was 10:10, so I'm guessing they were on stage by 10:30 or so.
Modest Mouse made me smile. I got butterflies as soon as they started to play. How could one not be ready to scream along.."done, done, done with all the fuck, fuck, fuckin' around!!" A couple of times I just closed my eyes and rolled my head back to soak it all in. They were worth the wait. I'll post a couple pictures. They'll be far away but why not?
The place cleared out pretty quickly. We drove through Westport to turn around then made our way home. My poor husband only got a few hours sleep and the next morning I was kickin' him outta bed to go make Mama some money.
In other news, I'm really looking forward to Saturday. Don't quote me but last I heard it's supposed to be a sunny 57 degrees. I want to go hang out with trees and a lake somewhere with a trail to accompany. It sounds nice. My brain needs some centering. It's hung up on all the rejection letters it's been receiving. They all begin like this, "Thank you for your interest in our Physics Engineering position with NASA. Unfortunately, at this time, we have determined that you suck major ass. Thank you. love, NASA. xoxo"
I can't decide what time we should leave for the show. I dunno whether to get there way early and stand in line or just kind of show up whenever. Sold out show, sooooo, if we wait, of course...we'll be looking at heads in the back. The concerts we've been to in the last few months we've always been at the front, which usually ended up in us getting completely smashed. I'm 5'2", so seeing anywhere is always a challenge. Doors open at 7. I know nothing about Mason Jennings or Cass McCombs. Ahh well, modest mouse. It's gonna be grand.
And, this topic was too wondrous and lovely to be tossed in carelessly with the last topic.
I truly am fascinated. Loveliness.
I think it would be possible for me to speak on this at length but then I'd ruin it so I won't.
A few minutes ago, on television (shame!) we saw a Red Bull commercial. "Red Bull gives you wings!" yada yada. So in this particular commercial, that perhaps you've already seen, a man is walking along and a bird sqwaks overhead. He chugs a Red Bull, grows wings and I wanted to make some joke about him gettin' up on that bird and holy shit, that's exactly what it appears he may do! He gets behind the bewildered looking bird and immediately undoes his belt buckle and goes for his pants. What?
Violated.
I've just emerged from a long, very hot shower. That, paired with the creamy espresso candle burning near me, is damn near inspirational. I feel like a new person. Literally. (do you hate people that say that? "Literally!")
Anyway, a few things here. No particular order or rhyme or coherence.
First, I always try to comment on jdoublep's blog and always end up in this typekey twilight zone circle of life. I've registered, I put in my name and password, but am I ever offered the chance to actually leave a comment? NO. Argh. I simply cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. I just wanted to say a few things about the movie Code 46 he spoke of. I really just wanted to say that I highly recommend the movie as well. I enjoyed it. I was lulled in, much like the music I enjoyed yesterday.
Next up. I spoke of this to both my husband and my mom and they just sort of nodded to let me know they heard me but I am fascinated by this new Tide. "Tide Coldwater?" or something. The premise is..people are sick of paying high energy bills. I can join the millions and agree. I nearly shit my pants and died when we got our past gas bill...the worst part being that it was only a partial month's bill, due to the date which we moved into our house. So, this laundry soap is specifically for use in coldwater. For that extra clean zing, many, me included, use warm or hot water. I'm a huge fan of a big washer full of hot water, steaming with the smell of detergent and bleach to wash white clothes. Sick, eh? With this soap, you can supposedly get your clothes just as clean using only cold water. Energy bills are so astronomical that a new soap has been created for laundry. It's just interesting to me because laundry seems like just one of those things, ya'know? Death & Taxes sort of thing. You hafta do it. Unless you're into "couture" or whatever..or maybe you just like being dirty. I can relate. Am I adequately explaining my interest? On that site I linked you can "Take the coldwater challenge!" and get a free sample. I'm game.
Listening to Sigur Ros. I tell you only because I wish to tug you inside. I've been lulled into a state that I cannot describe. Reflective and hopeful. Reading books that pertain to the things I'm struggling with now. The sky is too gray and I'm embarassed at the control I've allowed the weather to have on me. The days flooded with sunshine push me forward. Today, I'm smiling in the pit. At least if you're going to be down there, smile while you're at it. Better than merely wallowing 100% of the time, you agree?
Tuesday we'll see Modest Mouse. It pulls the corners of my mouth ever upward. I am so excited. I vow to myself that if so inclined, I will lose myself completely in the music and forget all my worries, forget all my cares. While it often feels as though I am, I'm not a complete failure. I could allow that if I want but I don't want it..so it will not be. Not now anyway. Today I am not.
I just spent a very solid amount of time "trouble-shooting" why in the hell is my stats meter there but.. Invisible? What gives?! This pomegranate pondered and pondered and then I realized. Oh yeah, on my other site, the background was dark, I made the font white. White on white. My 2 year old nephew could've told me that white crayon "is empty" on white paper.
Sooooo, Blue on black.
Tears on a river..
Cold on ice..
A dead man's touch..
I maybe fucked it up. bye.
And so, we meet again.
You've been around pretty well for me. I've needed a place to complain incessantly and you've allowed me to do that, time and time again.. Oh sure, I've tried to say goodbye. I slammed the door on you. I walked away. I lasted for awhile and then, as always, I came crawling back. You accepted me, like so many times before. I want to be honest, totally upfront with you. I use you. You're not really getting anything out of this relationship. Nobody rewards you. I never thank you. I'm sorry, it has to be this way.
Seriously. I'm a little embarassed. I can't remember all of it but I do remember some of it. Last night I dreamt that I met some of you KC Bloggers at some event. Wait, I don't think it was an event... it was school. So, the only part I can remember really is that I met Sa Rah, jdoublep's roller woman. And the thing is, she seems cool as hell right? It's true because in my dream I was totally not cool enough to roll wit'er. I was all, "Hey!!! I'm ______, Pomegranate!!!" And she was all, "Um...Hi. I'm uh..Megan. Meg." So in my head I'm thinking, no...no, you're Sarah..and I know you're Sarah!! C'mon, girl!! So, she totally hated me.. hated me so much that she denied her name and refused to tell me her real name. It hurt my feelings and everything fell outta my backpack.
I feel as though I stomped off to pout and am now making the humble walk back into the room, head bowed.
Life is just rolling about all over me. It's smashing the tender spots with great force. The other place I have is strange. It's a blog pretty much solely for people I know...but it's boring because I feel like it's mostly censored. I don't say fuck and it's lame and boring. Yet, I mostly hate this blog now. So I've considered making a private blog for me only. I'm tired of myself and feel the need to spew this venom that's bubbling inside. It threatens to boil the skin off my bones. I'm still jobless and that's a horrible blow to my ego. My ego was fairly small to begin with and it's just being whittled down to nothing. I feel so unhirable. My self-esteem is waning. What's wrong with me? Why does nobody want to hire me? I interviewed for a job I really wanted, genuinely wanted, knew I could be great there...and I was rejected. My days are spent alone. By afternoon I'm counting down the time until my husband gets home from work. B L A H! worthless.
