Breathe Deep.

School is going in full swing. I'm glad. It feels so good to be back. I feel like I'm again doing something that is worthwhile. I an unemployed at present and that has me feeling like a louse quite often but only because I make husband worry. Part of me wants to be allowed to focus on school full-time and part of me is, of course, aware of the fact that I NEED A JOB. I'm going to do something part-time and non-stressful so I don't have to think about it. I need all of my energy to go into school. Dreamt that I received my grades and had done horrible. The worst part was realizing that I had been completely unaware of my failings and had done nothing to head it off. This can't happen! The grades will make or break me. Anything below a B does not count in Nursing School. On that topic, I sent in my application last week (finally). Writing my "Statement of Purpose" proved more difficult than I had originally thought it would be (think I said this already), but it's done now. Yippee!!

There is much homework to be done. I've been bringing home work since day 1. Anyone want to contribute to my back-to-school fund? After filling out my FAFSA today I have a feeling my financial aid for next semester is going to be very tiny. sad.

The acts of a lover.

In an effort to get my nursing school app in the mail tomorrow I have spent the evening seducing my brain. She's been in hiding. First, I did what any good lover would do and fed her. Afterwards I gave her some space, some loose time. I lit candles for her, one especially to warm some lavender oil and calm her down. I poured her a glass of wine, played her favorite music.. all in an effort to coax her into settling down and spilling out some ideas for these two essays for my application. She's fickle and I'm experiencing a small level of difficulty in having my way with her.

In order to further demonstrate the hilarity that is my husband and I. (Not that you needed more proof.)

Things said at our house this weekend:

"I need you to don't."

"false alarm"

"Thanks for the hot It."

"I was trying to figure out if you were going to say 'suck' or 'blow'."

"Why don't you go to Walmart and pick yourself up a packet of panties?"
(I'll not tell you which one said this.)

seemed I had more when I began.

Bizarre Indeed. You think it's true?

Exploding Toads.

I need to do some follow-up on this...

Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

I've really "taken a shine" to Andrea, Extraordinary and am listening as we speak to music she shared.. Tori Amos doing Desperado. It's fantastic.

I've had negativity seeping out of my pores for the majority of the day. I guess seeping isn't really the right word.. More like gushing fountains. It's ugly. I'm a tight ball of Worry.

I love reading what this person has to say. I wouldn't mind spending a few days with her...Sarah. There are so many wonderfully brilliant, insightful, funny people I stumble upon in this blog world and wish so much that I could tromp around the land with them and tell stories. Oh, I wish I wish.

There have been a few times here lately I've left traces of myself on others' blogs letting them know I'd love to be their friend. What a childish notion? Is it? I'm not far from merely asking, "Hi. Can I be your friend? please?" Is that lame? I don't care if it is.

Hi.

Can I be your friend?

please?

This afternoon calls for scattered flurries.

What is wrong with me today?

(Don't spend any amount of time trying to answer this question.)

I've been so caught up in thought. I sat with my books for school in my lap and tried to soak up the realization that I'm about to start school again. I loathed school. I ached to finish and be done with it forever. I couldn't wait to hurry up and get the hell out of there. Am I the biggest fool there is? Will Nursing be this professional maternal type job where I will again stew and bubble over the fact that I work under arrogant, prick doctors and am viewed as "just a nurse?" On Friday when Best Friend had her baby..the nurse did everything and called the doctor during her last few minutes of pushing. Doctor came, caught the baby and was gone within a few minutes. Do you think the nurse feels resentment? I suppose there are all types. How would I feel in that position? Will it be "whatever I make it?" I sank in muddy discouragement and lost my shoes as well.

I've sat staring into space pondering potential outcomes and scenarios, the "worst" and then had these insane flurries of activity where I race around the house scrubbing and cleaning, whisking laundry here and there. I've scrubbed at the floor on my hands and knees. Prepared the carpet for vacuuming, scrubbed a layer of dust bunnies from the intake vent, did all the dishes, picked up trash and the flurry continues. I sit again, lost in space. Stood in front of the window in the kitchen forever, thinking, thinking, thinking. What if? What if? What if? Will I destroy us? Will my ideas be the burden to push him away or over the edge? I am lulled into this slow whirling inside my head again. Tap, tap, tap at the outside until it breaks and I spill out in a mess again.

Pushed open all the windows today. There are moments when it seems to be almost too hot and about that time a breeze comes in to shush me. This place felt stagnant and stale inside. It needed the fresh air. I need the fresh air. We need every penny we can get so shutting the A/C down for awhile can only help.

I listened to Vast's Nude album over and over all morning. Radiohead, OK Computer is in now. I'll binge on this awhile and then need silence.

Noiseaholics with our phobia of silence.

a few Official things.

I officially recommend the movie "Gunner Palace." Watch it. Remember it. I still cannot fathom it.

and

I am officially a student again. My checkbook would be glad to prove it to you.


Anybody wanna buy a truck?

pomegranate's future.

"Will you be needing stitches?"

Lisa Falzon is incredibly talented.

welcome, Baby Z.

Best Friend had her baby at 10:09 this morning. I was there and saw it all.

It was amazing. I know people always say that but truly, it was just amazing.

It took my breath away.

She's 6 lbs. 6 oz. 17 1/2"

Alright, Tony. I'm guilty. I admit it.

This is so me.

I'm sorry.

Sharpen your pencils!

So, the interview went great and I feel like I have sooooooooo much more direction! I was floating in limbo and I now have a plan which includes things written down on a piece of paper, effectively illustrated with arrows, asterisks, dates, orders of importance, etc. I needed each of these so much and now I have them. I was scared of the person interviewing me as she seemed rather curt and cold. I found her to be instead very helpful, straight to the point and organized. I am so thankful for my meeting with her. I promptly applied to one of the local community colleges (shut it.). I can get a large chunk of my pre-reqs done there without paying as assload before enrolling in other college to take the required 15 hours before entering the nursing program.

So, I applied and Monday I enroll/pick classes/pay an assload of money. We officially cannot pay our bills with me having quit my job and now paying tuition. Bottom line, I would've had to quit my job anyway because I cannot work full-time during the day and also go to college full-time, mostly during the day. So, I'm not going to feel entirely, 100% guilty about quitting that job...just um, have to find another FAST! Holy shit. (That was the official HOLY SHIT!) I'm scared but somehow confident that we'll be fine. I have no idea how I'm err, I mean.. how we're going to pay for this. Comm. College tuition is wonky because I'm not a degree seeking student, etc. I don't feel like expounding. Then, in 6 months..suddenly I'll be paying another assload, only this time much larger. I am not above donations! heh. I should put up one of those donate buttons. haha. We all have our opinions on those but I see desperation waving to me from the shore.

One more bit of good news. BIG good news. This whole time I thought the Nursing program was 2 years, so I was tacking on this extra year of fulfilling all pre-reqs (suprisingly many even with my previous degree) ... however, the Nursing program.. is only 1 year! Tack on the extra year for pre-reqs and we get 2 years altogether, not 3. Shaving off an entire year is music to my ears. In August of 2007, I could potentially graduate with my BSN and become a licensed RN. sweet.

School days, school days..

Thursday, 10:00 a.m. - "Interview"/Transcript Evaluation at local nursing school -- I have prepared myself for the disappointment/confusion that will follow when she surely tells me I will not be starting any pre-requisites this semester which is what I R.E.A.L.L.Y. want! I'm ready to start now. If she says that's not happening, and that is what I expect, I must decide what happens now. We cannot pay our bills with one income so I must quickly find a job to do full-time now and part-time when school starts... in the Spring? I'm nervous. Really nervous.

bebe.

Today I'm visiting a friend that recently had a baby. (Best friend still has hers cooking) It seems it's been babies, babies everywhere lately. I guess this is one of those prime baby-making ages or something. Anyway, I haven't called said friend much since she had her baby because I felt intrusive. I went to the hospital when she had him and got to go into her room shortly after with her family. I didn't hold him at first because a) I may snap off a limb and b) it was a special time for her and her family. I hoped to be a fly on the wall but soon they were ushering me to sit down like a 5 year old and hold the baby already!! Photos were snapped and I passed him off after a full 60 seconds or so. So again, I haven't called really since the baby was born. I figured on weekends and such lots of family would be around. I figured in the evenings when I was off work she and her husband would be busy with baby. I just didn't know! I finally called yesterday and it seems everyone has been working off the same theory as me...therefore nobody has been calling or coming over, never knowing when it's a good time. Thus, I'm going there today. How does this work, moms, dads? Everyone's different, of course. We'll see.

feckin' fecker!

I've tried posting the same basic story three times now and blogger and completely frozen each time. I give up for now. sheesh!

a Mundane morning in all its Glory.

I think I've managed to develop a cold. I'm all sorts of sniffly and sneezy. I'm wrapped in a blanket here in front of the computer. There's oatmeal cooking in the microwave. I love oatmeal. Sigur Ros is playing. I'm going to eat warm gruel and then I think I'll go outside and walk all around. I didn't hear from nursing admissions lady yesterday and I was disappointed. I feel like this semester of school is quickly slipping from my grasp or any possibility of my grasp. I hate that constant feeliing of a potential sneeze. You pause, brace for impact and then nothing. Shortly thereafter you're pausing and bracing again.

I think my oatmeal bubbled over.

BlogRolling can be a blessing and a curse, I fear. You see, I like a lot of you. It could quickly become very large if I take the time to add all the people I truly do read.

Yesterday I played a mean trick on husband. I didn't intend to - it just snowballed. He was unhappy with me. It seems rare that he feels that way and it made me sad. Admittedly, I shouldn't have done it.

So far I have not panicked about not having a job yet. I really want to figure out school first. The hardest part is the guilt. Husband leaves for work and here I sit. I try to take the edge off the guilt by attempting to be super productive here.

Watching the shuttle land on TV was pretty neat this morning. I guess I was holding my breath a little like others.

We have no bread. I like oatmeal to be accompanied by toast. But that's ok. Do you feel enriched after reading this? I have one of those blogs people bitch about.

tick tock

Did I just read correctly that Bush's new energy bill would move Daylight Savings Time? What the?

I saw last night about Peter Jennings. Husband didn't believe me at first.

BlogRolling

my god. where have I been? Sheesh. updated/ing. It's screwy at present, will fix. and YAY. it's fantastic.

Rapture, Laura Veirs

My husband is on the couch. He's reading a book, the last in the Stephen King Dark Tower series. Somehow his shirt has got tangled a little and has pushed up some on the side. I can see his skin. He's fresh from the shower. I love him. I love him so much.

Tonight I went to my mom's house. We had a slow dinner and drank pear cider while talking of everything under the sun and moon. She grilled corn on the cob. We had thick, ripe tomato slices from tomatoes in her garden. She sent me home with eggs from her chickens, a bag of roma tomatoes from the garden, Indian fry bread and more. She's always so generous and thoughtful.

I drove home from the farm I grew up on full of sentiment. I drove with the windows down and that feeling is so good. The air smelled like hay and goodness. I picked up the scent of reassurance somewhere along the way and felt so calm. Somewhere inside me I feel confident that, while sounding very Polyanna, everything truly will be just fine. Our money may be tight but we'll be ok. School may totally kick my ass but I can do it. (Remind me I said that when I'm weeping in 6 months over a Biochemistry class). (I don't even know how to spell Bio-Chemistry?) I've been reading from all these lovely women that went to BlogHer. In particular, I was reading Melissa tonight. I read her envy of those that feel ok in their own skin. I'm so far from that place but I think realizing my distance from there and wanting to feel that way is good. It's the beginning, right?

This is all coming out random and unorganized. I long for friendships that are real. "Kindred spirits." I stutter and stammer on this site, struggling to get out what stays inside out here in the real world. I was talking to my mom about the impressions some people in my husband's family have of me. It disturbs me a little at how far off base some of these impressions are but I directly blame myself because I have a hard time just being myself. I could really ramble on and on about this. I have many thoughts on it. Oh, so narcissistic these examinations.

My lack of just being myself, being comfortable in my skin, being confident, being honest, it muddles things up inside me and around me. It also makes me unhappy. God, I'm so glad I quit my horrible job. What a weight that has been lifted. I want to be ok in my own skin.

Oh Happy Day #2

Day 2 of being unemployed and I am afloat in optimism. Yesterday the wave of guilt pushed me to the bottom and I got guilt in my lungs. I've resurfaced today with optimism from an unknown source. I really feel like everything will be ok. (Not to wax Polyanna, but you know) I can't stand for anyone else to say those words to me but it's acceptable for me to say them to myself.

I suppose my gig is up and I'll give more details. You see, Nursing School is in the cards for me. There's much to be done and the application process acts much like that wave of guilt. It's heavy. You may see me choke and sputter along the way but I'm going to make it. WE are going to make it. (A state organization just called asking me for a donation. Don't they know how poor I am?) My timing is bad as far as getting into class and I have no idea what/when I'll deal with financial aid. I have an interview Monday or Tuesday to evaluate my transcripts and see where to go from here so hopefully at that point I'll have much more clarity and direction. At present it's a tad overwhelming.

You may have noticed I am frequently unhappy. (if you haven't, stab yourself in the eye with a fork right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.) There are various causes to this. Mostly, it's all internal. For instance, I feel guilty all the damn time. I especially feel guilty for quitting my job without having another. The last thing I want is to be a burden. I don't want Husband to worry about money. I don't want to worry about money. I like to feel independent..like I'm "pulling my own weight." I want to contribute to our little family. My parents are divorced now. My mom was a stay-at-home-mom and my dad never let her forget it. He rubbed it in her face constantly that she could "never make it without him." (seems she's doing quite well without him these days) This is not to say that Husband is in the least way similar in his thinking, AT ALL. It's me. It's my own brain saying this is not ok. Part of the reason I hated my job so badly is because I was made to feel so low, so menial, so stupid. I cannot put up with that.

Nick Cave singing Rye Whiskey is in the background, perhaps the foreground and I love it. This song is so great. And now, Black Betty. Looka Looka yonder. Well the sun done gone!

Must start to be more positive. And exercise more. Must do that too. I love the weather today. We've had just the slightest bit of rain and the air is so much cooler than it has been. We sat on the porch awile last night. There was a great breeze.

We're watching our nephew this weekend. He called and left a message the other day saying.. "Hi. I'm big boy now. I'm three yearws owld." He's spending the night with us Saturday night. Much playing shall occur. Best Friend is about to have her baby at any moment. I told Husband he and nephew may get to hang out alone this weekend. He seemed.. not so keen on my idea?

If you have any odd jobs that need to be done. Call me.

Yeah, what he said!

Yesterday I clocked out for lunch and forgot to go back.

Robert Crumb.

Last night we watched a film about Robert Crumb, fittingly titled, "Crumb." I really liked it. I was sad that Charles Crumb committed suicide.









It was crazy for me to watch him draw. It's a talent I can hardly fathom. Impressive. My husband, he possesses that talent.

He's got his hands full.

Whenever I'm in a hospital I have these visions of myself with my cell phone in my pocket, (secretly and most importantly - silent), turned on. I envision myself strolling past rooms to witness people of all shapes, sizes, ages, sitting bolt upright in bed clutching their chests only to drop off into eternity. In a slightly morbid version I smirk as all of this takes place and I walk on with a knowing sigh. It reminds of that book, Lullaby, Chuck Palahniuk. Is that how you spell his name? Forgive me, Chuck.

bad pomegranate.

It's Wednesday morning and here I sit, having the same internal battle I have every morning, after every lunch break or any moment away from work. It goes something like this, "Fuck no! I'm never going back!" Then the good side agrees and I'm in big trouble.

Last Friday I took home any personal belonging I had there, again..mostly music, a water bottle, favorite ink pens. I left there lugging all my stuff..looking very much like a person that planned to never return. On Monday it was like returning to my own vomit, head down, ashamed of myself. I want to quit, sell my vehicle, get into school. Classes start soon and I'm struggling to sneak in moments during the day where I can work on my school things. There's an essay to write, applications to fill out, letters of reference to have completed, transcripts to have sent. I'm overwhelmed, unhappy and I feel very weak. Everywhere I turn I'm met with a hearty, "Oh! You'll be fiiiiiiiine!!" This may be true at some point, however no part of it is the least bit helpful to me right now and I've no use for anything unhelpful at present.

I guess the good and bide sides of me have both lost the battle this morning and I'll reluctantly shower and roll on to work.

PS How will I pay for school and do you want to buy my car?

PSS Can I get a "riding the metro" tutorial?