I need a fish for a heart.

How does it feel? To be on your own. No direction home. Like a complete unknown.

It goes without saying I'm very overwhelmed. There are moments when I scold myself thinking, geez, stop acting like this is such a big deal, idiot. Then I think, holy shit, this IS a big deal. I don't seek comfort or advice though whatever you see fit is [mostly] welcome. I've had a lot of selfish thoughts thus far and many very morbid ones. Technical questions and visions. All kind of sad really. At the moment I think I'm kind of grieving the past year (and beyond) that my dad and I have wasted being stupid. We are often too much alike. Now I shoot myself in the foot as any kindness comes off as pity from obligation.

Thank you for coming here.

Lay down your weary tune, lay down.
Rest yourself 'neath the strength of spring.
No voice can hope to hum.

Dear Internet,

What should you do if you are most certainly not being nominated for Daughter of the Year and you find out your dad is dying?

Love always,

pomegranate.

parrish said it so well.

read the entire post at sparrow's fall.

these twin kicks to the nuts just might begin to transmit to our dim and lazy minds the possibility that we might be actually part of the fabric of the universe.

Dear Mark Ryden,

Here I am. This. This is me..

Me, South Park Style.. Looking just as cute as a piece of CUTE!

zing.

fyi

here's my email address: pomegranate_pretty@sbcglobal.net

It's also linked in two locations in the sidebar.

Now you have no excuse.

Secrets. Don't tell a soul..(if you can find one..)

I'm skipping philosophy this morning to write a paper for Sociology that I should've done last night but "accidentally" fell asleep reading chemistry. I feel so guilty skipping class. bad bad.

Last night we did see Mom afterall. She called at the last minute and invited us to have dinner. I had just finished packing up a paper bag that I was going to show up at her work with when she got off. Brown paper with a little white ribbon. Nestled inside was a big bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup, two small blocks of cheese purchased on the roadtrip (one white cheddar cranberry!) and a ziplock bag packed with homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. If you wanted to be my friend I'd show up with such goodies for you as well. heh.

This morning I checked my email over coffee and actually opened a piece of spam that had the subject line.. "Just trying to make friends." The sickly sweet burning smell of Desperation.

email me

please?



ps out with the new, back in with the old.

What will she complain about today?

First things first: I got a 101% on my Chemistry Exam!

My blog is ugly and I was (surprisingly) informed that the comments don't work. Not surprised they don't work, just surprised someone told me. It's ok..people don't comment much anyway. I'm going to change it soon. The whole shabang. Or..maybe I won't, ever.

People make me so angry. SO angry.

Mom says my grandpa has given up. He's growing weaker by the day and made Grandma promise not to take him to the hospital. He no longer eats. He sees an acupuncturist and eats herbs. I don't know what will happen. He will die. Probably not today but it's coming. Mom and I had a date for hot coffee tonight, or a hot date for coffee..one of those, but she insists she'd be horrible company and now cancelled. I could make her go because sometimes I prefer bad company to none at all or maybe she truly doesn't feel like being out in some coffee shop with her heart breaking and falling all around on the floor. So I'll leave it mostly in her hands.

Tomorrow I'll hack my hair off. If I were brave I'd shave it all and be cleansed. Ashes on my head, naked in the street.

Stream of consciousness.

None of this will come out like I need for it to but somehow I have to push some of it out of me.

Essentially.. my college roommate's dad was killed in a "tragic accident" on September 15th. I've been unable to contact anyone that knows more details. My head is dizzy with thoughts. My heart is heavy.

I was gone all weekend on a roadtrip with Husband and his mom. We returned Sunday and there was a message on my answering machine telling me he'd died. It hit me off guard and was.. confusing. I kept walking around and I'd just stop and say outloud, "Wow. I just can't believe it." He was about my own dad's age. I can't even pin down which part of this is overwhelming me.

You see.. This person was my absolute closest friend for awhile. We live together, did everything together. Once our religious beliefs started to not coincide with one another, she pulled away from me. She's hardcore Christian and I'm not. When I got married she wrote me off completely. I responded to a group email she'd sent out around my birthday last year and never received a response. I went to her blog and left a comment, hoping for a response..but nothing. This all broke my heart. There's no other way to put it. It hurt me, made me mad. I'm low on friends anyway and for one that had been so close to flatout write me off confused me and again, it hurt. I've been fishin' around inwardly and outwardly for support pretty much since my parents' divorce started. I'm a lonely being.

Anyway, I've been searching through old emails, blog addresses, trying hard to find some way to contact her or people around her or whatever. She won't talk to me and she's a popular girl. There will be hundreds of people around her and with her. I thought I could sneak to the funeral but I can't find enough information to know when it is. Tonight a friend let me read the email that let her know he had died. Somehow that made it all more real. It's all so strange. I'm searching for an obituary or something. (paused) Found the obituary in the Kansas City Star. His funeral was tonight. I'm so sad I'm just finding this now. Mad even. I'm overwhelmed with feelings.. not just the typical feelings that follow when someone dies.. other things.

I emailed her. It only had a couple words. I'll say it again, my offerings are meager but they're all I've got.
I don't know what else to do.

pink & green.

If you'd like you can diss the new "look." It's ok with me..I won't completely disagree. There are parts about it I like..nothing I love. I'm really sad there are no "frames" or borders around what I've typed. I really just want SOME sort of separation. Looks a bit like a jumble now.

impromptu roadtrips

sad surprises

homemade chicken noodle soup

surprise party in the works

Have you been outside today? It's just perfect. Our windows have been open all day long to invite in the sweet, sweet outdoors. Right now there's just a drift of night air and I couldn't appreciate it more.

Pushing cold, wet mandarin oranges into my mouth.

Today, on the not-very-long trek from home to school and back again I passed the usual array of gas stations. I always note the price whether I intend to or not. I saw today that the station closest to school had gas for $2.57 a gallon and a station closer to my house had gas for $2.71 a gallon. My college level math skills help me see that's 14 cents difference and that seems pretty steep for a couple stations only a few miles apart. Interesting. (not really very)

the waking vixen is hot hot hot. Great site. She makes me feel hot hot hot.

And, on an entirely different note/s - - tomorrow is my big, fat chemistry exam and I need oodles of well wishing to send me off right. AND, tonight the coolest lady called me and asked me if I'd be willing to help her move. She was witty and "full of vinegar!" Ha.

I forgot to mention.. I hate this blog. It's so drab and NOT me. It's ugly. I can't stand looking at it. I tried making it better last night but my template adjustments were messed up. I stink. Can anyone help me stink less?

Reason # 4,738 I married him.

The phone just rang...(same ppl that call about this time everyday) and I clicked the on button and immediately handed it to husband.....telling it was for him. He stammered..."uh..hello?" Kansas City Star. (stop calling!) -- Husband, the guy that just finished an 845 page book explains why we don't want a subscription. "Ohh.. I just don't ever read much."

You think it's funny but it'snot.

Mundane Life Entry Ahead:

My offerings are meager but really, they're all I've got.

I've had a cold settling in, seemingly quite comfortable in my body for a couple days now. Today, it unpacked its bags, stretched out on the sofa, ate all the mac & cheese and used all the hot water. You know how those unwanted houseguests are.

I'm slurping on a really hot cup of black tea and am sucking on a Ricola cough drop. I cough up until the point where I just throw up. It's adorable. To top it all off, Husband is a few states away in another time zone for work and I've got Chemistry homework comin' out my ass. Chemistry starts at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow and I'm wondering if I can muddle through. I'm scared to death to miss any class. It would only take the blink of an eye for me to fall behind, unrecoverably so. It's 80 degrees or something outside. I'm here in old man pants and a hoodie. Really, girls.. it's best if you just don't try to compete with me.

Sorry for whining.
homework time!

Tuesday afternoon, coming up.

If your morning has been consumed and you're holding back from bodily harm to your chemistry lab partner...this is a great pick-me-up-hold-me-back. I have just scarfed down my following recipe.

a few small spoonfuls of the asian stir fry you had for dinner last night. It was so delicious tasting of sesame, lime and hot chili sauce.
spread it across the center of a whole wheat tortilla
now cover the the top with a fluffy layer of spring greens
rip up some cilantro and put that on top of the greens
squeeze lime juice all over it, wrap it up and E A T

Your lab partner woes will fade into a spritz of lime and you'll be ready to prepare for class tonight.

So glad I've begun.

School is hard for me. It's difficult to admit this. To complete my pre-requisites I'm currently attending a community college and.....it's hard. To some it is hardly a step above high school but I'm telling myself and you right now, it's challenging...to me. My chemistry class is my favorite even though I want rid of my lab partner. I've never studied so hard. I'll admit that I had trouble forcing myself to sit down and do homework this weekend but on the whole, I'm doing my best to be prepared and to learn things, as opposed to doing what might appease my professor on an exam. Who knew, college is about learning?! I also have psychology (a 3 hour lecture that I find less than enjoyable. I do, however, really like the professor), sociology and philosophy. Not one female professor. Interesting. I dance a bit around the 18 year olds.. dance, avoidance. Eh, there's more I feel about school. (I, I, I, I, I look at all those narcissistic I's)

I love being back in..it's important to me now.
Extended all my brain power on my lab report.

goodnight.

C'mon weekend. Graphic post, NC-35

This week is already becoming a blur. My class schedule is all over the place so I'm generally unsure whether I'm coming or going.

Last night, in a subconscious effort to procrastinate my mound of Chemistry homework, husband and I worked in the yard. He mowed and I went crazy with the clippers. He yelled for me once and when I went to him he showed me the sweetest little baby bunny. He disturbed their cozy nest and as I stood looking at the one...two more popped out. One of them hopped into the garage and another took off out the gate and down the driveway. He mowed a circle around their nest so as to prevent any further disturbing. Their mama watched us close from the next yard over. We mowed and clipped and swept at our flurry of grass. Seems all the rain combined with our complete lack of mowing had helped us develop quite a thick crop of grass. On the way back to the garage to stow the mower, Husband saw it. It was gruesome. There on our driveway lay a piece of bunny #2. Apparently it hid in the strip of grass next to the house and was...... The scene was carnage. I touched it. Sad. But it was an accident! R.I.P Bunny Number Two. You were cute and a great hopper!

Cut to this morning when we were walking out to leave for our respective destinations. Blood was still spattered on the driveway and I showed Husband. He said, aww, even the blood is cute. (you know, just like the rest of it was..)

I learned in my chemistry class today that hydrogen is a whore. I like hydrogen.

And now, I'm preparing to go work a little. I had an afterschool snack and washed it down with a huge gulp of ice cold sour milk.

Can't WAIT for this three day weekend.

Later I'll show you a picture of bunny #1. I snapped a shot while he was in the garage. So little and cute. Don't worry, though.. we made sure he got back to his cozy nest.