admission.

"...the committee is recommending that we hold you a spot pending the completion of necessary pre-requisites in the fall semester."

The ball's in my court.. If I make the shots, I'm in.

awake.

I'm here. Awake. Brain in disarray.

I sat under a blanket in the dark on the couch and listened to my dad's voice on the other end. I just want to lay it out and be like, jesus, let's stop this bullshit dance of conversation that we do. Once he's asked me about school he's run out of topics. He doesn't know me. He spends much of his conversation time thinking of a way you've done him wrong. Exhausting for him I bet. When he gets to my name scrawled on his list I'm sure he has no trouble tacking on all the ways. I really have only two modes of conversation. One of those modes is surface, weather, school. The other is wet and bloody and usually leaves my face streaked. Even if I'm boiling in rage it spills over as tears. Tears that sizzle and pop on their way down. I should take fat sips of whiskey and then call my dad as then I'll have liquid balls and I'll say, "Listen, goddamnit, I love you, you're my dad, my daddy even and I want us to just be honest with each other and enjoy each other and finally get to know each other." But those words won't come. And then I think, ohhh, I could write him a letter. Then I won't cry and maybe he can mull it over. He can read the words over and over if he needs to. But, then, with more thinking, I conclude, No.. if I did, he wouldn't see those words.. he would only see in his head, "She's a fucking chickenshit!" He would block out my pleading words. Desperate and so unbelievably helpless.

In other news, Chemistry has beat the shit outta me. Battered and bruised I return to class again and again and keep an iron face as it mocks me.

Tonight

Tonight there will be roasted chicken, roasted vegetables - including my absolute favorite - Roasted Cauliflower. Since, as far as I know, none of you will be joining us tonight for these warm festivities I thought I'd give you some of my meager offerings.

Come and sit and be warm. Sit around in this glow. Let me bring you a big, rustic plate. It's chipped on the side but piled with things for you to nosh on. Spiced nuts, toasty, spicy sweet outside, cheeses of every kind, some soft, some hard and grainy..cold vegetables, wet sauces, hunks of crusty, chewy breads, pickled goodness, salty olives, all heavy laden on this heavy platter before you. Come a bit closer and sample some of the fantastic, assorted things I've gathered for you.

On should begin by sampling anything delicious in words or otherwise offered up by Orangette. I will say to you again and again how lovely Molly is. Taste for yourself.

If you're feeling a bit chilly, warm yourself with some of the good things Joe has to offer. He is so kind. A wonderful segue into more kindness. Sheri has shown herself to be so giving and thoughtful. I'm glad she's around. You'd probably like sitting next to her around this heaped pile of goodness. She seems likely to hug you to bits when you need it or make fun of your ass when need be. Lovely indeed.

If you wanna sit next to me, we'll listen to the Mayan Factor, Warflower. This song captures my head for now.

rain falling around me.
can't tell if weather is warm.
or why I am cold.

Sneak in here to tickle your eyes.
Get the woman king from somewhere. Anywhere. Bring Dressy Bessy when you come. please.
Looking at these is always [one of] the epitomes of Fall. SwanBones.. The colors scream Autumn to me. I'm dreaming of and have been dreaming of having one or some of these to hang in my house or future house for a long time. Lou. She's from KC. heh. Sleigh bells ring...

Great Lake Swimmers. Josh Ritter. Holopaw. Espers. Joanna Newsom. I'll give you some if you want.
Pass your plate.

Beauty.

Happy.

It's not me copying, even in the act, sharing, enjoying, appreciating.

It's not much, fill your bellies.
Here's a spoon.

Today

Nothing but cool fog floating outside. Leaves sprinkle themselves into the damp mix like warm nutmeg.

I'm enamored. I lust after everything that is Autumn.

Inside it's warm today. My brain is soft, tender.

Nothing but Negativity, Nancy.

One of my worst qualities is my issue with jealousy.
I become consumed with thoughts about (including, but not limited to):

Quantity and quality of friends others have
Others being able to buy homes in amazing cities
Getting paid good money for their job
General overabundance of money
adorable bodies
possession of a dog
others that are so not as negative as I often am
generally spending their time in better ways
soaking up life better than me
having way more adventures
better relationship with their dad

I can and should instead be grateful for the fantastic things I have and happy for those that have different lives than me.

Grass is always greener on the other side, right?

I think reading this is really what got me feeling like shit. Beautiful, adventurous, spontaneous, artsy, organic, talented, loaded with friends, amazing apartment, amazing trips. bah.

I shouldn't be this way but this is real life and I'm a human and I have issues.

Procrastination at its finest.

I thought about signing up for AdSense, but really.. Who am I kidding?

Mango chapstick

Cooked fantastic anniversary dinner and ate it with gusto!

Typing a Chem Lab Report (intermittenly) titled ANAL 394. It is as hot as you think it is. (like Kansas?)

Husband asleep on the couch and I'm not even jealous. I'm somehow just plugging away.

Got my hair whacked. The back is nary an inch long.

Our house smells like mulled cider and spicy pumpkins. I love fall. I just love it.
The tree in our front yard is orange and yellow now and when the evening sun hits it our living room glows as good as any jack o'lantern.

I desperately want a dog.

Pumpkin Peeps for Halloween

A year ago today we were in the park with dappled sunlight in front of a tree full of orange leaves saying "I do."

Yesterday I watched my dad say "I do." I hated it.

Friday was my interview with the college for the last part of my application process. It couldn't have gone better. It was (somewhat surprisingly) fantastic.

I've put off my homework all weekend. I officially suck.

Rasputina makes me feel Fall.

further proof that my roommate slash husband does not love me.

me: Are you going to bed now?

him: yes.

me: Will you [snuggle] me a lot when I come there?

him: yes.

me: PLEASE?!!

him: yes.

me: Will you brush my teeth for me?

him: No.


I think you see my point.

I am thinking about dropping school.

throwin' it atcha!

Catch!

It's been quite some time since I pulled a college homework all-nighter. Those usually started late anyway and involved about 93% procrastination techniques and then maybe 7% actual genuine studying. I think 7 is generous.

In high school my parents were adamant that all homework for the weekend be completed Friday night, thus ensuring a weekend that allowed play and Sunday night would not be spent in a panic over last-minute homework.

Cut to tonight - Sunday night with some homework still leftoever. I spent the day sort of romanticizing the idea of a traditional all-nighter. I thought, oh hell, it'll be fun!! I'll put in great music, snack on teddy grahams, burn candles, feel smart.. Yes!! It's going to rock! I'll wrap everything up and feel relieved come Monday morning. I'll be tired, sure, but I'll have much to show for it! However, I'm a complete and total weenie. It's 10:40 and the only homework that qualifies as truly complete is my Philosophy homework (rather shabbily) and now I'm rather enjoying the thought of sleep. It's just that the combination of the cozy bed and my super cozy roommate are hard to resist.

My head has been so jam-packed with thoughts lately I find it a bit difficult to concentrate. I was kind of kickin' ass and takin' names at this school thing and the past 2 weeks have gone hurtling downhill. After rockin' my chemistry exam I sort of um.. shut the book. I purchased "Chemistry Made Simple," a book that's actually good at putting my fatass textbook into better language. I've used it twice.

My asswad lab partner said to me and another girl on Thursday, "You know, this stuff is really no problem for me.. It's mostly just all review for me. I might struggle with the organic chem we're doing next but maybe you guys will be good at that part." She is quite sure that I totally suck ass and perhaps there's hope for me in organic chem. I tell her no different. Bitch. She sucks. I mean, she just straight up sucks. I'm sitting here ranting like a 15 yr old. Do you love it?

I did manage to make some ass rockin', name kickin', face suckin' granola today. While it baked in the oven for 2 hours it made the house smell amazing..just as the recipe warned. It was the epitome of warmth. Orange, ginger, cinnamon, vanilla. All golden and toasty. I love Molly and wish she lived down the sidewalk from me. I'd sniff the air for goodness and walk to her house.

My dad is getting married. I'm struggling with that.

I have a paper to type now.

make of it what you will.

That last post was hideous and scared me so it's gone.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Oh, Jesus Christ, I hate making phone calls - so I lead a lonely life.
mason jennings said

My head is lost. Forgot for 4 days to pay rent.

Now possess the most adorable of adorable cars. Affectionately, zoom zoom.
I buzz everywhere, a round bee of oblivion.

Today requires pigtails whether or not anyone agrees but it's made impossible as I can find only one rubber band. It's here, looped around my ring finger in all it's translucent glory.

Suddenly it is that I'm crawling on the floor of the bedroom through the rubble searching in vain for a rubber band that probably isn't there. Clawing through dirty clothes, CD's I haven't listened to in months, some with scribbled messages across them, "to [pomegranate], with love!" and "to [pomegranate] on her birthday!" Marker hearts.

Non-symmetrical with one side pulled back, scouring the floor of the living room, my top drawer, the bookshelf, I know these suckers are lying everywhere, snickering at me for not being able to find them in their game of hide and seek! I'm late and I've missed my first class and I'm still looking. I stand and realize, maybe I could instead slide all the change laying everywhere into my zippered felt bag and scurry off to buy a new box, overflowing with snappy bands and anxious to twist in my hair. Deal.