uploading too many but whatever. i like them. it was a really neat trip and i like looking at these photos. This particular ph
oto just OOZES charm. There was classical music coming from the window - the flowers, the clothes hanging to dry.
Did I tell you about that family I was working for? I became some sort of nanny for this rich family and it sucked ass. I was in charge of raising the kids from 3 - 9 pm (their full awake time between school and sleep), cooking dinner, cleaning house, doing their laundry, feeding smelly breastmilk to the baby that cried constantly, doing homework with the kids, entertaining their kids' friends, etc. It was stupid but I was trying really hard because I need the money and the kids weren't all bad, even though sometimes I think I hate kids and could never ever be a mom. So, I was stickin' it out and chug, chug, chuggin' along and they just stopped talking to me. They abruptly stopped calling me and I was confused. I waited thinking they happened to not need me for a little bit but when I finally contacted them they were so mad at me saying they couldn't believe I hadn't called? The last time I left their house they said to me that they'd call me that weekend to let me know what days to be there the following week. I should've called to ask if I could come over? I didn't understand and maybe it was partly my fault but they posted another ad on craigslist WHILE I was working for them and I saw it and then that made me feel like complete shit. I thought I must've been shit with the kids. I tried to talk to them tons 'cause their mom and dad didn't. I asked a zillion details about their school day and the bus ride home and math class and their favorite food and the best music and we played outside non-stop all the time, always got homework done, read books, jumped on the trampoline and I pushed them on the swings and I held that baby that cried non-stop and they just let me go. I tried to figure out what I did wrong but I don't know. I have no idea what made them not want me anymore. But they don't and they sent me shitty messages telling me it was my fault and said that they wanted to give me a little advice - "The world waits for noone!" Bleh. I guess they're right. Regardless of all that.. all the personal thoughts on it.. the bottom line is - I needed the money. It wasn't much at all and you'd laugh at the miniscule amount but I needed it.
Now I wonder how I'm going to pay for school. I keep bringing this up but if I think about it for a little bit I go into a panic. ok i can't talk about it anymore.
That funeral was some sad shit. I mean, it was good in the way it celebrated his life but just sad as hell for a lot of other reasons. I was totally layin' low and hangin' out - not a single tear. I even smiled some but then they played this sad country (!) song and in a flurry it all just broke loose inside me. In an instant I was envisioning my dad's funeral in all morbid detail. Word on the street is, my mom, his wife of 30 years - won't be allowed there. I assume his wife will make it a private thing so she can control who gets to come. For all I know, I won't be allowed there either. Yuck.
The computer is glaring in my face. The drive home from the funeral was too long and my head felt like it would explode. A headache like none other. I was really hungry and thought maybe that was to blame but after a meal with my husband at our table nothing had changed. I crawled under our new quilt and massaged my head with our new massager thing from my aunt. It worked miracles on my head. I slept hard and deep for a couple of hours.
Just a bit ago I made this carrot salad "treat" from my Jamie Oliver cookbook and it was so seriously good. It's all sorts of different flavors mashed together and it totally hit the spot. It's super fresh and crisp and refreshing. It's just the sort of thing one needs after the fat/phat meals of the holiday season.
Now I'm here just here. Turns out now maybe I'm working awhile on New Year's Eve so maybe my plans won't begin until late. Who knows.
I wish I had a channel that played documentaries 24/7. I'd probably watch it 24/7. I want more of that carrot salad. Rearranged the living room and everything is trashed. I have to be a productive citizen tomorrow. I must get everything cleaned up and neat. Bah. Messes.
Everything seems so messy about me.
Under the surface I had been sort of bubbling and squeaking about the fact that we had no New Year's plans. I guess I thought they'd just magically manifest themselves. When I realized this will probably not in fact happen I decided to make my own. So, there are like 2 of you that read this that I see on a regular basis - if there are more, so be it.. But, we're having a New Year's gathering of sorts at our house Saturday. I'll cook some good food and you can bring some booze if you'd like. Feel free to stop by just for dinner or pop in to say hello on your way elsewhere. Anything. I'll come up with a time.
I was fairly excited as a Romanian travel agency saw some of my Bucharest photos and would like to publish them in a travel brochure. Neat!
I'm still lacking one class for next semester and this is causing me minor stress. I also have received $0 financial aid and as you may or may not have noticed - money is not flying out of any major orifices of my body.
One last thing. A friend told me he's expecting a baby. (You know what I mean!) It's a little boy due in April and they're poor like me. So, um.. seriously, if you have some old baby clothes or maybe some toys or something - I'd like to be able to help him out some.
Hope you had a fantastic holiday and ate good food, got some rest, etc. I'm going to a funeral today. A man I grew up with, he passed away Christmas morning. The funeral will be nice, I'm sure. He lived an awesome life and has lots of family that he loved and that loves him.
A little morsel for you.. 'pomegranate' by jenny bird
my cousin's kids got this puppy for christmas. it was the softest, puppiest puppy ever. 
ooohh!
ahh, christmas in kc.
happy christmas.
i just saw this commercial for a car with heated washer fluid. Snap!
almost verbatim:
her: merry xmas
me: this year, don't leave Christ out of Christmas
her: i have to go get food now
me: have fun in hell
her: bye
me: bye, sinner
it was funnier then?
by far the funniest thing I said yesterday - "Don't shove your god cock down my throat!"
Also, my mom gave me a book written by Barbara somebody called "Gone From My Sight" and it's about dying and it's completely awful as fuck. I'm going to write some excerpts here for you soon. You'll feel inspired.
I left the house this evening 'cause i'm clinically brain dead and thought i'd make like 2 stops because i dropped the ball and didn't get anyone anything for christmas and not a single place i went was open. i suck (but not at chemistry!! Rock!). seriously, wow. I love picking out something i think might surprise or delight someone else but we're just poor as hell and 2 days ago i got my bill from school #2. Yay. Because I'm so smart it will take 2 colleges to be up to the challenge of educating me next semester. (what?)
so again, happy christmas! here's to many more.
more of these bucharest photos that have been patiently waiting to be exposed. i like this one a lot. the park was like a postcard everywhere you looked.
I made a space at myspace so if you happen to be interested I might consider showing you 'cause it's me and husband in all our dorkdom glory. Rock!!
Here's a fun place to play. Also, here. I got the links from Blurbomat. I'm seriously enjoying Amandine. I love that song from Youth Group - "Forever Young" maybe? It's good stuff. I don't think that's the title. It makes me want to spread my arms wide and lay my head back.
I'm so horribly lazy these past few days. Nephew and I were kickin' it last night and all morning. We went on a crazy fantastic walk. It was so nice out today! PBS is showing "The Nutcracker" in front of my face, I think. I'm nestled down on our espresso brown couch with a snowman down comforter on my lap like an old woman. It rocks. I'm vaguely nauseous and confused.
Sold my books back. Anyone wanna buy them for next semester? Ugh.
Today I was watching horrible daytime television and I just wanted to scream at the TV a thousand times.."Everybody just shut the fuck up!!" A girl I went to HS with sent me the link to her Xanga. I've never really explored the Xanga world but her page was annoying as hell - as I'm sure mine often is. It's all about trips to Walmart and the funny, sour milk slippery as snot crap her three kids are doing. She's younger than myself. Her kid said damn and she had a major freak out about it on her page. Maybe that Xanga page is to blame for my nausea. I babysat this kid the other day because that's what I do, all sorts of random bullshit for money, and I came home and felt like I reeked of warm, lumpy milk and diapers and spit-up and none of it had a bit of charm. Have any random stuff you'll pay me to do? Agh. What a whore! Maybe I can use my $40 of cleaning money to get my husband something for Christmas. Poor husband. Maybe he'll forgive my schmuckiness someday when I have a kickin' job. Or maybe he'll get sick of my schmuckiness before then.
Can you believe Christmas is slammin' in our face? geez. I can't.
You rock in a serious way.
Send me something.
PO Box 7337
Kansas City, MO 64116
my grades weren't that great. (blech) I'm a little embarassed, however...
I did get an A in Chemistry!!
She had no idea when it had began. She'd been carrying it around for years. Now, as she walked, it fell all around her. The wind had lifted it and was tossing it behind her back, like crystals of salt for good luck. It had been tangled in her hair and now it was being freed. She had been terrified of it being discovered but now breathed big, relieved by the favor done by the wind.
picture from june when in bucharest. Immediately after I snapped this I was reprimanded over and over. It seems that taking pictures in many public places is very much frowned on. Leftover communist ways? anyway, great symmetry here.
um...yeah. so, ok. I'm pretty much bummin' you out, eh? I understand. I'm bummin' myself out. It's 8:45. This has been one long day and it just keeps going. My body feels like freakin' lead weights. I'm so tired. Next week there will be no posting as I'll be asleep 12/18-12/24. Yeah, that last day there...that's Christmas freakin' eve! What?! Am I like 80 now? Time flies and all that.
So I still have a paper to write for chemistry. It has four sentences as of now. It's due at 7:30 am. I also have more studying to do for my chem final that is at 7:30 am. I spent all morning studying for socio, took final then went directly to study for chem for the next four hours then came home, drooled on the couch for a little bit, ate food and hi, here i am! I also spent the bulk of yesterday studying for chem. crazy goodness, man. my roommate is sprawled out takin' a sweet nap and i am jealous to the max! seeya! wouldn't wanna be ya!
we went and saw walk the line saturday and had a small popcorn and a white cherry slushy and we shared it all, it ALL.
last night was rasputina and i remember, ohhmygosh, i'm alive! fun and fun. pictures maybe.
this is finals week - insignificant
i am nervous. - insignificant
folded towels - insignificant
watched a documentary on teahouses and huts in the mountains of canada and wow. but - insignificant
fixed spaghetti for dinner - insignificant
fed rabbit some soy trail mix i had (he and i both like the dried cherries) - insignificant
sat on the couch and pounded waters - insignificant
have not studied for psycho final tomorrow - insignificant
hate red pen. what the fuck? dark ages. - insignificant
dad has "days, not months" left - veryfuckingsignificant
i'm making him a photo album for christmas. it will be cram packed with pictures of us to remind him there is an "us." Tell me what you think, really. Is the album too death marchesque? Is it morbid? My angle is cheerful nostalgia but there's always that significant chance it won't turn out that way in his eyes. Maybe it will only be sad? Oh, of course it will be sad but i hope it is other things too. I've never used that photo thing at whatever store. What if I want to stand there and copy photos for like 2 hours? They will wear their blue smocks and tell me to gohomerightnow!
it's always, "cat! jesus! get off my lap already, we're eating dinner!" and tonight i was like, "CAT!!! sit in my lap now, please!" and he was all like, um.. whatever.
remember what i asked you, ok? death march or cheerful nostalgia? i'm not crafty.
When I was younger I loved unicorns. I had a ceramic one on a little stand that twirled and played music. I broke its horn off accidentally. At a carnival my dad won me this huge stuffed unicorn with a rainbow mane.
I don't know what to do. I need help. I need words of wisdom. It's been two days since I talked to my dad. He called Mom two nights ago sobbing and just kept saying over and over, "It's not good." He had some more tests run a few weeks ago and got the results from those this week. He hasn't mentioned any of this to me. I don't know how to inquire without prying. "So, hey, how's that cancer?" If I were in his place I really think I'd go clinically insane. My coping mechanisms don't exactly function up to par. I don't want anyone to tell me or him that it's going to be okay because that's not reality and it's not helpful in the least. Also, I already know that it can help just for me to be there, to listen. I wish our relationship had been different because this sure is a shitty time to try and make it better.
I've probably said this already but he has prostate cancer that is metastatic. That means it has spread to his bones. It is inoperable. It is advanced. I'm scared that his news from the docs is that it has spread to another vital organ, his lungs, his liver, his brain. I don't know. If it were my mom in this situation I'd not be so afraid about how to act or what not to say. She would know in her heart that my intentions were always good and I'd want her to tell me everything. I'd act from my gut. My dad keeps me at more than arm's length. He doesn't even know me.
I want to go to the doctor with my dad. I know he won't let me. I'll sit in the waiting room. I just want to be there.
His 29 yr old new step-daughter calls him "Daddy."
whiz bang it's cold. zzrrrr.
you should know that happy birthday to me i got a 104% a+ on my chem exam yesterday. i only have to share because it actually makes me momentarily almost burst at the seams and i want to slap a magnet on it and hang it from the fridge door. oh we're out of milk again. it's snowing. i'm supposed to take that as a cue to run to the store in a panic because we might die of starvation because of the stark lack of milk or bread. whatever, we'll just saw up each other's legs and roast 'em over the open spit we're putting in our living room in order to stay warm and simultaneously feed. ahah. coldness makes me crazy. i mean, crazier. strikethrough the first crazy. i have to finish a paper now run on sentence. i 'interviewed' tony for a paper i'm writing on race for sociology. he gave great answers. thaankssttony. (he's a celebrity) after this paper is all finished i'm going to ask, "tony, please autograph my panties or just write your name on my face or something, please, ok, thanks."
i'm 26 now. how do i look?
sunday morning - crunchtime.
I am completely overwhelmed. Last week, this weekend - they've just slipped through my hands. Unbelievable. Friday we ended up with our nephew (he's 3) spending the night so his mom could "get some homework done." I put off doing my own homework trying to help out a little but am frustrated because I think she lied to me in order to manipulate me into watching him. She knows I can empathize with the heaping pile of schoolwork to be done this weekend so she played on that. So whatever, I relented and he stayed here and I put my faith in Saturday as my day of reckoning with my backpack. Saturday, however, had other plans for me. After taking my nephew home, my roommate's mom and brother came over. They left, we showered and then it was dinner with Dad and his wife. Got home around 9:30 or 10 and I had a couple shots of whiskey, watched "The Amazing Race" that we'd taped, perused my new Jamie Oliver cookbook and went to bed.
Now it's Sunday morning and thank god the sun is bleeding through the window. I need it. I feel like it is my life-source for today. My mood is low and dark I have let things pile up and really, today is the day! If I don't get these things done today, really, I can give nursing school a long kiss goodnight. I need to be in a different mood, though. I've just jammed myself down into this funk. bah! I need to be lifted up. The job feels too big to be tackled and I know that's my internal problem. I've created the mess and have to sort it out now. Chemistry feels hopeless. damn, damn, damn.
Let's see what I can do.
Wanted a cup of jasmine tea. Kettle whistled, tea was steeping and a dribble of honey would be just the trick. The bottle was cold from being in the cabinet so I put it in the microwave to get it moving. Wandered into the other room and came back after a minute expired. I didn't intend to leave it so long. Set it on the counter for a bit before using it. As I went to tip the bottle and add a dribbly drizzle the honey exploded out of the bottle all over the cabinet, the floor, over my hand and starting up my arm. I now have blistered trails and a big patch of blistered skin over my hand and around my thumb onto my palm. When the honey hit my skin it started to cool thus making it difficult to wash off. Wish I knew how to dull the pain. wow. I even cried a little. It's just pulsing.
Today my chem professor taught us that diarrhea is hereditary.
Mhm.
It runs in your jeans.
A way to tell if you're fat..
When you're feeling blue your friends tell you to keep your chins up!
And, another joke.. Tony's Kansas City
I kid. I kid.
Seriously, the cost of school, insanity! Some make it out that paying for college or getting aid to pay for college is cake and it's not. Take this example.. the classes I'm currently enrolled in at one of our lovely Metropolitan Community Colleges charges about $75.00 per credit hour. Rockhurst, however, (a private institution which I'm required to complete a 15 hour residency at before starting nursing school) charges over $600.00 per credit hour. We here at the PP household make nothing and all that we do make goes directly to our bills. The government told me that my financial contribution to college next semester should be around $14,000.00. I've just pissed myself. merry christmas?
