Big ol' post.

I predict this post'll be a big one.
I've been doing my best to avoid (predictable) sad or sappy stuff and have instead been throwing out Reese's pieces.

This year I was bubbling over with excitement related to Christmas and family things. As opposed to last year when we purchased nothing for anyone, including one another, this year we delved into that cliched pot of consumerism I keep reading blog posts about and got some gifts. I opted for mostly practical/boring when it came to my roommate, including a new bookshelf which he can fill with stacks of CD's without a home. He must have at least 800 by now. I'm not sure. I think next year we might just exchange stockings as I really miss rifling through one each year and I love filling one with bits. (As done here and seen here by Maggie Mason of Mighty Girl.) The family stuff was mostly great but I was admittedly ready to be alone by the night of the 26th.

I also missed my dad immensely. Driving home from my mom's on Christmas Eve I was struck with sadness and cried and cried about him. In our living room there is a single shelf that I have filled with pictures of him, his last pack of cigarettes - half-empty along with his lighter, an acorn I found near his grave and his tube of tea tree oil chapstick - the same kind he always used. I took the chapstick a day or two before he died. I was desperate to have something of his to hold onto. My mom avoids the shelf completely and others seem a bit weirded out by it. It doesn't look like a creepy shrine but I guess it might make some feel uncomfortable. I still have his voice on my answering machine. Sometimes I'll play it by accident and sometimes I walk by and push the button just to hear it. It either makes me smile or reduces me to a small puddle. I miss him so, so much. He always got really excited about Christmas. Days before he'd be telling me to open just one gift and when I'd insist we wait he'd laugh and tell me to go ahead and just open it. He could always, always shake his gifts and say exactly what it was. It would make me furious! One of my favorite pictures of us shows me on Christmas morning, sleepy-eyed and wearing my favorite pajamas (they had a cape!) sitting on the floor with him lounging on his side next to me. I look filled with disbelief at the great big pink My Little Pony castle spreading out before me. He had assembled it all for me and even put every little sticker in its place. Fifty is too young to die.

On Christmas night this year, I invited all of my roommate's brothers and sister and her husband and the nephew and Roomate's mom back to our house. Everyone drank and told stories. I loved it! It was the perfect sort of bonding. It was the stuff my utopian family dreams are made of.

Tonight I exercised. I EXERCISED! I walked almost three miles and it felt so good. I know three miles isn't much but it's three miles more than I generally walk in the evenings. Unseasonably warm night air and my new music companion were icing on the cake. Mm. Cake.
I'm hoping I can keep my ass moving -- and not as some sort of New Year's Resolution. I'm not making any of those. (Just now I asked my roommate what he was doing 'cause I can't see his face but I can see that he's wearing the Santa hat he received gifts from his sister in and he replied instantly, "Being Jolly.")

I'd like to hang out with people. A lot of people I go to school with have totally put their lives on hold and I just refuse to do it. However, I do spend a lot of time (err, WASTE a lot of time...) bitching about school and being tired. Life goes on during school. With a little bit better time management (lather/rinse/repeat), I could both keep up at school and live a little. Why the hell do I magically forget how much better it makes me feel to drink a shit-ton of water and move my body a little. Um, duh. Large chunks of time spent sitting on the couch feeling tired/unmotivated/sorry for myself just don't do a lot for me (or anyone else near me -- Hi, Roommate!!) So yeah, my point was, I miss you. I wanna go to the movies and have dinner and do stuff with you. Oh, hey, today I had to show my ID at Best Buy to purchase a 17+ mature game. Cool, right? After she checked it she looked at my face and said, "Hey, you should feel good, you look so young!" Then we made out.

Anyway, I'm nervous about the start of my next trimester (OF SCHOOL) but one down, two to go! Eight months left. Sounds like a lot but of course I know it's not and in hindsight will have flown by and hopefully I can find a job I love. I've been encouraging the roommate to consider quitting his job/taking a long break/going back to school/finding out what he loves once I have a stable job. That's weird, me? stable job? I know, I'm laughing too.

Hope your holiday stuff was fun and jolly and sprinkled with just enough dysfunction to make it interesting. (Mine was!) I'm still not 100% sure about New Year's plans. I'd sort of just like to disappear somewhere.
Thanks for reading.