pretty.

Thanks, S. for the coolest gift!
Displayed here by my gorgeous husband.

PAMA - pomegranate liqueur

It's delicious, especially when tickled by the bubbles of some lime sparkling water.

Thank you so much.

One more Reason America is F a T

Philly Cheesesteak Thick Burgers from Hardees.

"um..baby? Does this huge hamburger [meat] piled with onions, peppers, cheese and steak [more meat] make me look fat?"

I keep writing these idiotic blog posts that mean nothing which maybe means something when you add it all up but who has the energy for that?

My arm pits have been itching insanely and I haven't switched soaps or deodorant or anything.

Later today I'm hanging out with my mom and maybe that's when I'll get new sneakers. Who says sneakers? Not enough people, that's who. I haven't had real tennis shoes for years and years. But do I want to go try on shoes? I think we're eating ourselves some walmart chipotle burritos. Sorry, I don't know anything I can only trust my tastebuds in an instant like this. Unapologetically trusting of the 'buds.

Our new washing machine is tits. Well, *our new rental houses' washing machine is tits. We can wash clothes! Without quarters! Here in our own house! Without loading a week or two's worth into our trunk! It's so fantastic.

Tomorrow I'm throwing grass seed out into our yard. I have this huge gallon ziplock bag packed full of grass seeds. It's bursting at the seam.

After a certain post I wrote awhile back my "readership" has dropped by a third. Not many people read this at all but to see it drop like that made me a teensy bit sad.

Smart and Productive to boot..

In honor of the assload of studying I need to be doing I rented an assload of movies. Rock!! Yesterday though, I cleaned out our closet and got our room almost all clean. That's big! No reason to be down in the mouth today when you've got the Spice Girls movie on TV. Rock!!

I'm getting a C in Nutrition in graded settings and beyond. Maybe my sweet powerpoint presentation I gave will kick it up a little.

I'm buying sneakers!

Saturday Afternoon.

Woke up to the alarm as I was afraid I'd oversleep and would wake to the deliverymen knocking at our door. I'd lost my underwear somewhere between walking into our bedroom last night and waking this morning. We slept hard..quietly. Did random things to tidy up and prepare for the appliance being delivered today between X and X times. The times don't really matter as you never really know when they'll show up. I prefer sooner than later as I'm anxious to wash our clothes.

So, now we're just waiting and listening to music. From here I can see my husband's profile. He's looking straight ahead, blinking slow. It looks like his head is full of thoughts that I can't see. Our cat is warm and heavy leaning into him. Sometimes my husband lets his eyes stay closed for a moment and then they open again. He's still and quiet and everything feels peaceful. It's bright gray outside. The green woke up yesterday.

My dad called me yesterday and very non-chalantly told me he's cancer free. It was like "so hey, forgot to mention the other day, I'm cancer free now. What're you up to?" ERRrr.. I have so many words on this but feel like I should not say any of them. He will no longer go to his oncologist or any other normal doctor. We may never know?

I'm sorry for being so negative minus about so many things. I'm drowning in school but not even dog paddling. I should kick my legs today.

I don't hate kids. The whole topic is weird these days. My dad out of nowhere asked if I'd ever have babies. He encouraged me to do so.

Best Buy is here!

Rain, rain, I love you, rain.

After all of my recent run-ins with children I am now one grumpy kid myself. I want to just completely sink into all that is my husband. I am just not good with children. Period. I feel bumbly and awkward and..out of place. I'm terrified of being a parent.

T E R R I F I E D

family

"No. Don't jump off that."

"Stop, please do not hit me."

"Do NOT hit me."

"Please don't put that on my face."

"Do not pour that on the floor."

When Nephew watches TV he turns his head completely sideways, facing away from the TV and then watches out of the very corners of his eyes. I don't understand it. Weirdo.

Friday Fantasticness.

I'm totally in denial about this being the end of semester. My efforts should be increased exponentially but instead I'm slipping downhill. This weekend better be jam packed with some studying.

Today I have Nephew. He's 3 and consistently "investigating" everything we own. This makes me put in bold "Undecided" in the children section. I just don't feel like I'm good with kids. He's next to me and just asked if we can watch a movie after I'm done with my homework. Yes! Blogging is homework!!

We went together last night to rent movies and he wanted some movie he has at home that he's seen 4,000 times. Cats and Dogs? I don't know..some horrible thing. Anyway, I was a snake and at the counter told the employee we didn't want that one. Nephew has just started sorting through the movies and says.. where's the nother nother one? Me: Huh? What other one? I'm totally blaming that employee when he realizes fully that we're not watching that cats and dogs movie.

Anyway, kids are ok. I'm not very affectionate, though. It's so non-stop. I'm definitely not ready for constant, persistent responsibility for another human. Attempting to be "responsible" for myself is challenging on its own.

gnarls barkley

Gnarls Barkley is my boyfriend and whenever I want he sings "Crazy" to me and I cook him eggs.

ocd.

Should be busy writing a paper on the nature of evil but instead my brain is obsessed with all things related to the wilderness. I want to live in it. I read sips of my book about the Appalachian Trail each night before I sleep and sometimes I dream about pine needles in my hair and drinking/bathing/becoming the water of a stream. Before we slept one night I asked my pal that shares a bed with me, my childhood bed incidentally, I asked him if he thinks we could do that...hike the Appalachian Trail. Six months, 2,000 miles.

Instead of writing about evil and negation I've been reading words and wishing I were asleep. I went to dogsitting lady's house to demand my money and was impressed at the size of my ball sac. I felt tall and strong and ready. Instead I was met with a disheveled mess that has been in the hospital for attempting to kill herself. Question mark. Question mark. Question mark. I offered to buy her food, garage her furniture and suggested a shelter. She's moving..into her car. I can't tell what is truth and what is fiction but the mess was truth. So, scratch off that $40.00 and keep on downloading Cat Power. Chan Marshall. I read the name on seven nights like saturday and have been immersed in her ever since. Reading every word I can find except the ones I'm supposed to be reading. God, I want to live so much. Full blast, volume all the way up, etc. Appalachian Trail? Why not? Slowly becoming obsessed with camping. I am an oxymoron. Sloth and undisciplined longing to live in a natural, flowing, in tune way. I am crazy but really just too sane maybe. Maybe I'm so fucking sane that I'm crazy. Last week I listened to Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek perhaps 47 times in a day. St. Thomas Aquinas is scolding me for my neglection of his negation.

I need your help.

Situation: Pomegranate and her pal look for a place to rent. There are two comparable houses on the same street. One house is cheaper but has no washer/dryer. The other house is a little more but has a washer and dryer included. Sweet. Pom and her pal choose House #2. Somewhere past their first year leasing the place the washer stops working completely. Landlord is called and after a couple weeks sends a repairman that says, "Anh!! Not worth fixing." So, now.. say 3 months later, Pom and her pal still have no washing machine. They use the laundromat at over $20.00/pop or haul their laundry 45 minutes on way to one of the moms' house. I figure this is at least $300.00 that should be knocked off the rent. Landlord was coming over last week to look in our basement to figure out replacement but never showed/called. I'm fuming but part of me says, oh too bad this is something you have to deal with and part of me says no way, we rented this house 'cause it had this fucker and now we can't use the washer that's in our kitchen.

Glug. Is it fair to complain? Is it fair to request the landlord knock money off our rent? I've honestly not rented a lot and I don't know what's protocol. I think it's normal and up until now I've had no complaints whatsoever about our landlord. He's a lawyer so he's totally got his ass covered within the lease. Tell me. What's fair? What's fair and what's reality are not necessarily the same, I understand. What should we do?

One More Reason America is F A T!

Taco Bell advertising "Fourthmeal" -- the meal between dinner and breakfast.

jesus!!

"Um, baby.. does that fourth meal I'm eatin' make me look fat?"

erm.

It's 7:25 or so. My class starts at 8:00. Perhaps I should consider taking off these gray sleepy pants and brown wife beater in favor of more public-worthy clothes and go to class? Now, mind you.. I'm not sayin' the wife b's are unacceptable but when you've got knockers like this they are.

May 18th is comin'!

So tired. What's wrong with me? I feel like I've been awake all night long. My muscles are clenched, my eyes will hardly stay open. I feel exhausted. I slept plenty last night. I was in bed and asleep by 10:30 and didn't get up until 6:40. I got 8 hours of sleep! I woke up several times but crashed out again quickly each time. My eyes are watering. So. Tired.

Thus begins the crazy part of the semester. Classes are drawing to a close but seem to be winding up for the pitch. I have a feeling one of these curve balls is going to smack me in the face. From here on out is nothing but tests and then final exams. It makes me laugh. In nearly every class I have a huge exam the last day of class and THEN finals the following week. It's sort of making me nauseous just thinking about it.

I went camping all weekend and that was fantastic. There's something about these books I'm reading about being in the wilderness that is making me crave it constantly. I want to be sitting by a fire, walking by a lake, sleeping outdoors. It's glorious. I even got a little sunny glow.

Last night was big Nutrition presentation night. It's one of our final semester projects so I was glad to have it over with. I got to talk about foodborne illnesses and other such fascinating things. The moral of the story is.. Wash your hands.

Oh!

I am overcome when viewing #3 in this set. Oh, oh, oh..

I missed her!

popcorn for breakfast.

feeling a little weird this morning.

thankful eternally for this amazing roommate that isn't crazy and doesn't treat me like i'm worthless.

Two of my closest friends with hurting hearts and me not a very good friend in "situations." I'm more of a day-to-day friend. i wish i weren't bad at being a situation friend.

One of those hurting friends and I are supposed to go camping today. I was hoping to get her away from all the "stuff." I have a feeling she's going to cancel.

popcorn is so munchable.

Snippits.

I walked into A&P the other day and a guy in my class said, "Hey, Mama, what's up?" It totally wasn't in a 'hot mama' sort of way it was in this.. 'big mama' sort of way. My response: Just rockin'

Last night I grilled some chicken and zucchini and S. came over with the makings of a big salad. We piled our plates with spring greens, lettuce, grilled chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes, cheese, avocado, hard-boiled eggs, grilled zuchini and warm pita bread. It was delicious. We filled our bellies and then watched The Amazing Race. (Thank god it was a non-elimination round! we discussed the possibility of it being rigged to accurately go with what the viewing audience wants to see?) I look forward to Wednesdays very much.

Today I'm sore and feel like a weakling. I need to bathe in some energy. I definitely need to perk up before class this afternoon.

At the end of my lab today I asked my professor if i could ask him a non-class related question. He's a cool guy and was happy to oblige. I told him about the treatments my dad is going through and asked what he thought about it. It was a good conversation. He was fascinated. He thinks the doc is a quack but told me that lots of very good, very real treatments are seen as bogus when they are first experimented with. I shared some of the conspiracy theorist stuff his doc says. My prof told me that some of the things he says do have merit. My dad is a believer in this doctor and has cancelled all of his normal oncology appointments. I'm glad he has hope. This is the first time I've seen him with any shred of hope. His quality of life has definitely improved and that is priceless.

Sesame Street.

Ernie just said: "Hey, Bert! Wait 'til you see what I'm gonna hide next time...in a place that's not like the other!!"

Through fire I come.

I feel out of sorts. Easily annoyed today. The morning started fine until I got my a&p test back. I got a C. It was almost a B but almost doesn't matter. I wasn't expecting magic but I wasn't expecting that either. It made me sad.

After giving our tests back my professor, my six foot four inch professor, sat on his desk, legs over the edge and talked to us about journeys. It sounds silly in words now but I was almost in tears at 8:30 am. He talked to us about digging around inside to find what it is we want, that we desire and going after it. He talked about spending quiet time with ourselves to truly think on it. I have a pithy taste in my mouth when I say "nursing." Each job has its own downfalls that those choosing it deal with. It might be the co-workers, the customers, the dangers and hazards, the low pay, the chicken costume. I guess we try to balance the rewards and happiness with the bs and hope that the former outweighs the latter by at least a few grams.

I'm also fed up with people that allow themselves to be treated like worthless pieces of shit. I've run out of words to be tossed in their direction. Nothing I say matters it seems. Giving up on them? I don't know. Momentarily fed up. If you allow people to treat you like nothing then that is what you are to them. My dad mistreated my mom for more than 30 years, still does. He told her after she asked for a divorce that all those years she made it so easy for him to treat her like shit. I'm convinced that relationships like those are like the twilight zone. A person can hardly see the light of day when caught up in the storm. One can't tell which way is up and no matter how many times I point "this way is up" it doesn't help her regain her balance. The middle ear is still confused.

Monday nights I have my Nutrition class. I was really excited for this class but it's just shit and so I dread the 3 hours I spend in it every Monday. Droning on and on and on. Two weeks ago I spent some time perfecting my technique on writing the word "fuck" backwards. Last week I wrote elaborate "to do" lists. This week I'm taking a stretched canvas and some oil paints.

Standing outside to watch the storm.

Whole lotta photos from my mom's. I feel so lucky to have grown up here. (in no particular order)

Quite the ode to Spring it was.

more pics from mom's.

Where I'll be this afternoon..

What a perfect picture.

Sharp Mama

in this moment..

It is good that I remind myself I am so lucky that I get to go to school. I'm so lucky we've managed to pay for it and got some help with a student loan. I'm so lucky to have this super comfortable house where I live with the mate of my dreams where there's a kitchen and a table and I'm well fed and I can sit and study books. I have crisp, clean books filled with information I can learn and try to put to use. Staying up all night to study when I'd rather be sleeping is not a burden. I'm lucky. I want this.

poop.

Tomorrow: Huge a&p test that is scaring me silly. I won't go on and on about it with all the disappointment and self-loathing that usually comes.

Friday: 89 degrees

What a week.

Eventful and uneventful all at once.

Sipping appled water all morning with the occasional glance at the clock.
Oh, maybe I should get ready for class?

I keep forgetting that I "work" now m/w/f.
I was heading to a study session after class with classmates but cannot.

Dogsitting for my dad starting this afternoon until next week.
It's gonna be crazy.

I do not approve of 87 degree weather in April.

Happy Birthday.

I should be studying.


whoah. Guilty.

From this cool chick.

I love to beat the sun in rising.

I've been awake for 35 minutes and I'm studying for my a&p lab test this morning over the brain, spinal cord, cranial nerves, spinal nerves, the eyeball, the ear and some olfactory. (um, duh that's the nose. hello, get an education like me. geez)

After I take my test I want to come home and take a nap but I wrote all this stuff I need to get done in my (new) planner that cost $3.47. I lost the neon green one I had (loved).

P.S. If you drive on I-35 mainly going south in the morning, stop being a dumbass fucktard. There are wrecks every single morning and now the highway is absolutely crawling with cops. There's even a lit up sign announcing that officers will be on I-35 4/10 - 4/14 to Curb the Aggressive Driving! Leave earlier. Chill out. Have a smoothie. goddamn. Thankfully, I head north in the mornings. At the time of this writing I can hear sirens every few minutes as the cops bust your grumpy aggressive driving asses.

It's supposed to be 85 degrees today. I hope we don't skip spring.

I have the news on to keep me company and um.. I love it when they interview people from Missouri that have no teeth. Good thing I love it 'cause it happens all the time. Also, I love it when they interview women from Sedalia whose trailer has blown away and they have a huge wad of chaw in their bottom lip. Nice. Mom, is that you?

It's been a good day.

Today was a really good day. I slept at least 8 hours, woke up slow. We cleaned for a couple hours and then I met the little girl I'm going to be babysitting 3 days/wk. She's c u t e. (This may change after a few days with her. heh) It's not much $$ but anything is good. The lady I dogsat for is completely ignoring me. I don't understand it. I want that money. Why is she refusing to pay me?

The afternoon is lovely. This weather is amazing. We ate Thai food and now we're home. I'm studying for Anatomy & Physiology (as soon as I wrap this up). I've got a lab test and a lecture test in there this week. The lecture test covers 9 chapters. 9 CHAPTERS!! It's a truly insane amount of information.

After Monday I'll be completely registered for summer classes. Total cost approximately $4,000. The summer will be crazy, crazy. I've got Pathophysiology, Microbiology, another theology and developmental psych. The latter two should be ok. Same theology prof. that I have now and he's great. I love the way he teaches. He covers things we prepare for but always have different things in store for us. He keeps them sort of secret and I think it's part of his excitement over the subject matter. Good class. If you've got to take some theology classes at Rockhurst, I recommend him.

The weather is my savior. I swear it. The sunshine is melting the pits I've been stuck in. Dancin' til I drop.

Hi, weekend. Back for more?

Today was like most Fridays, punctuated in the middle with a trip to the mailbox. I felt my heart race a little as it does every Friday when I'm checking to see if today will be the magical day that my student loan check arrives. Today was again like most Fridays in that no, today was not the magical day my student loan check lay nestled in a crisp envelope waiting for me to rip it open in a flurry of pixie dust and sparkles! In my disappointment that has built since January when I thought the check was on its way I banged through the front door and picked up the phone. ring ring. A calm discussion, me holding back the flood of fury and worry that has tethered me to the pits for months now. Me, calm, staring blankly at our bank account earlier in the day with $13.00. At the other end.. Pom? Yes?? Um.. you have to come pick it up. The check's downstairs. WHAT?!! You said I'd get it Friday I had no idea it wouldn't be mailed to me. It's here. I'm on my way.

I thought my head would explode..and not in a flurry of pixie dust and sparkles. This student loan has been a nightmare. It's been a long string of mess-ups and miscommunications all around me. In January I was told that with the completion of my paperwork I'd have the check in about a week. Paying out thousands in tuition for the past 3 months has left us pretty bare boned, especially when I kept thinking, ok..any day now it'll be ok.

So, today was full of pixie dust and sparkles.

Most all of the check goes to summer tuition and books but there's a small amount to be tucked back into the bank. It's not like winning the lottery and it is, afterall, a loan but what a relief. Now, if I could only get the lady I dogsat for to pay me for last weekend. I was unaware I had to beg to be paid? Grr.

In other news. I need a friend. I need a playmate. I need someone to ride bikes with, go on walks with, consider a yoga class with. I'm dweeby.

at the 'mat

03-18-06_1747.jpg
Originally uploaded by pomegranate pretty.

this is where i like to hang out because (reminder) i rock.

I've been lazy today and it feels awful. Huge chunks of time alone leave me feeling kind of ick even if I am studying or trying to be productive at home. Sometimes I kinda wish I had a friend that came over during the day to study with me or go for a walk or something. I'm dorky.

I'm sad because I had asked our landlord's secretary about breaking our lease with 30 days notice and that's fine but we won't receive any of our deposit back. Originally she said she thought we'd still get it back as long as we gave the 30 days notice so that was a relief. So, it's silly that I've been searching around for places to live because our lease isn't up until June. What am I doing? WHAT am I doing?

When you're looking for a new place to live when do you start looking? If I find a place now it's not like they're going to hold it until June for us. That's silly. I'm not willing to let us completely forfeit the $500.00 deposit we put down here. Mom says, "Oh, big deal. It's not like they're going to give it back anyway!" Cool. Encouraging!

Ick. Gotta get outta this funk. Going outside.

(you love corn dogs)

I'm feeling the wee'est bit grumpy..like a dull ache.

Can't put my finger on it
but have an idea where it might be sneaking in from.

I've been trying really hard to not complain so much.
I've been trying really hard to look for great things.
I've been trying really hard to add in pleasant things.

An example of this is the book I'm loving and I take sips of it when I need a little escape.
It's called Walking Home and it's about a woman and her adventure up the Appalachian Trail.
After reading it just before falling asleep I dreamt of a trip to France with Husband. (I wish I could call him something else here.. a name. Day to day I don't constantly refer to him as "my husband" and good god NEVER "hubby" - blech!) Sometimes I almost just go ahead and write our real names. I write so much identifying information already.

Anyway, the sunshine, drinking tons of water and being outside whenever I can has improved my demeanor and outlook exponentially. Tonight is just...eh.

Hope you're hangin' in there.

I've been thinkin' about you.

This is neat!

Oooh, cool!

"On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in
the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06"

From Greg at Death's Door

whew!!

I was reading dooce like so many other people are doing (heh) and was terrified.

IF my husband and I should ever decide to have children I am scared to death. Parenting is so hard. (stating the obvious) It just seems to me that when one becomes a parent they also become bombarded and instantly subjected to all sorts of advice from all sorts of angles. There are a billion books about how to be the perfect parent.

It reminds me of when we got married. People sort of sat back and laughed.. HA! Good luck!! Sure, there's a road ahead with lots of things we're not prepared for or don't expect but that's the whole point. It's this adventure we've started together. Obviously I get down and pessimistic about life in general but..such is the nature of things. Sometimes it's a struggle but it's a good struggle.

My friend that I've had for the past 20 years had a baby in August and man it's been hard. She's working so hard and feels so guilty for struggling at all. She refuses to ask for help. It makes me feel sorry for her. Her mom had 4 kids close together so when she's really struggling her mom reminds her of that. "Well, I had 4 kids and was doing it mostly alone!!" I hate that. I hate that for her. Being a new parent is a magical thing and a brand new thing. She should be able to openly lament things or seek out help without hearing, "Ha!! You ain't seen nothin' yet!! You just wait!" I can't even adequately put in words all that I'm thinking. It just makes the idea of being a mom daunting. Reading the post dooce wrote..I so admired her and what they did. Looking through over 400 comments regarding people's opinions and their feelings for or against her just stressed me out. I think people should be nicer. heh. (oh, you naive girl!) Allow people to experience things you've already experienced with respect for its newness to them. It's like ruining the ending to a movie. There's a difference in preparing someone or genuinely trying to help out and being a condescending asshole. Who knew?!

secrets.

I have some secrets to tell. Before I do, I want to post this. Quackwatch. The treatments my dad is getting right now are talked about there. Do I have to say that I'd like to believe?

Now, a secret.
Actually, depending on where you stand in relation to me.. it may not be a secret.
It's soo obvious. I hate my body. I've hated it for a long time (not quite since birth) and it has become nearly paralyzing. My friend, T. wrote this and it got me to thinking.

A little head game I like to play with myself called "See, that proves it,
everyone hates you 'cause you are fat."

I went to a bridal shower today for part of my husband's family and it made me a wreck. I can hardly function outside of my home sometimes because of this intense hatred I have for my body. When I write all sorts of gross things here I think that behind all of that is fat slothfulness. I hate lazy. I hate my fat. I am fat. I didn't want that to be a part of this blog but it's ruling my life. I used to look forward to being around people..until I started hating myself more and more. It has to stop. Inspiration. She's amazing. I'm so proud of her..so envious of her.

I'm going to tell a big secret now. First, I read this girl's blog and she sort of reminds me of myself and when I first realized that she a) looked like me and b) sorta acted like me.. I started hating her. The real secret I'm telling you here is that right now, I weigh at least 70 lbs more than I did in high school and in high school I was chunkier than lotsa girls. I was chunky enough that the time I went to prom was torture in every humiliating dress-searching moment. I haven't worn a dress since.

I've thought of writing about this before but really, I didn't want some of you to know. A lot of you have never seen me (probably never will). I knew that I thought different of that chick when I found out she was a "fat girl" and I didn't want the same to happen here. I realize now, fully that it's destroying me. I wasn't unaware of this but I didn't have the realization that I'm gaining now. Wow. It's like something bit me. The venom's in my veins.