Make about half a pot of strong, dark coffee. Let it cool a bit then pour it into ice cube trays and freeze it. If you're impatient use the cubes while they're still slushy. Pop however many you like in a blender. Pour in a bit of milk, perhaps a little squeeze of chocolate syrup and if you happen to have a bit of vanilla bean ice cream on hand, add just a spoon of it. Whir it up into a slushy mess, adding milk to get the drinking consistency you like. Yumgood.
Today is the funeral.
I felt nervous and jittery last night before bed knowing that today was the day. This morning I've been nauseous since I woke up. I'm sincerely nervous. I'd say 95% of the people that will be there I have not seen in 10 years or more. Most of them behave as spoiled four year olds fighting over toys. They've spent their whole lives consumed with hate and to put all those people together in one room creates an atmosphere of solid lead. I wish I weren't nervous about what they'll think of me. I'm lacking dress clothes and self-esteem. In reality though, perhaps it's best they not be able to see past the tattered hem of my pants.
Lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
Jane,
She wants a drink of water,
So she waits,
and waits,
and waits,
and waits,
and waits,
for it to rain.
-Shel Silverstein
Much laziness over here in my pretty household.
Too much alone time makes me go slightly insane.
Today I took a nice, long walk with my
roommate's mom and we ate lunch.
S. is officially out of school now so I'll be taking her
captive.
I'll force-feed her ice cream and make her listen
to Daddy Yankee with me. All resisting will
be in vain.
Trisha mentioned reggaetone sndtrk and I've
been listening to some reggaetones since. I'm
envious of the sisterly hangout. I should be
mowing the yard.
Me: Says here tea may reduce the risk of ovarian cancer.
Him: [raising a glass of tea] Yeah! My ovarians are safe, baby!
As I occasionally do.
I was just listening to a news story about overweight women having a doubled risk of breast cancer. I'm not quoting here. So I was thinking. I wonder if it's the weight (fat) itself (which it very well may be) or.. is it the consumption of excessive unnatural things? You know, things our bodies aren't meant to handle. I'm not speaking radically or preaching organic. I'm just talking about processed, artificial things. Fat's hard to digest so maybe it is the over-consumption of fat in these cases. I'm not in the weight range the textbooks say I should be and my dad's cancer is "related to hormones," increasing my risk of a similar cancer, ie breast cancer.
Are we all going to die of cancer? What causes it? I really think the increase in cancer is based very much on diet. However, seemingly healthy people get cancer too. Long ago the worry was merely about balancing food groups, now there are all sorts of artificial, convenient foods. Have cells evolved to be fucked up and prone to a higher susceptibility to carcinogens? I need to understand.
Ahh. Numerous breaths of fresh air. It's been all about nostalgia lately.
A good friend from high school that's been living in China for a few years came back to the states and contacted me. She was in the area visiting her family so we met for a long lunch on Thursday. We caught up and it was simply nice. It was good to see her.
On Friday I called my dad. When he answered I could hardly hear him and he sounded awful. Raspy and weak. He didn't want to talk to me, said, "I'm pretty fucked up." I showered and drove to his house. His wife was gone to work. He's been in bed for days. He can hardly walk. The pain he's in never lets up. According to his Quack Dr., that means the cancer is "coming out." He told my dad, "The harder it hurts, the more you're healing!" My dad believes it and.. I'm ok with that. I hope it is true. He cried when I got there. He was just lying on his belly. It's a major struggle for him to move.
Later that night his grandma, (my great g'ma) died. We're going to the funeral together Wednesday. I'm really nervous because my dad's family is super dysfunctional and many of them are not speaking to one another. My dad hasn't seen his parents for a very long time and directly blames his dad for his illness. It could get ugly and added to that is the fact that my dad doesn't really leave the house because he's physically unable. I know he'll be scared for his family to see him as he is. He looks older, is about 60 pounds lighter and can barely walk.
It's hard to see him. He seems progressively worse each time I'm with him. It's really scary. I'm scared.
Yesterday my close friend of 20 years came here for dinner, etc. We had fantastic chicken fajitas. We roamed MySpace for people we knew/know. We took a walk in the dark, wound up at the park and sat on the swings talking about life, the curious nature of being an adult, finding the man behind the curtain when it comes to parents and indeed, being a parent. She's expecting her second. It's surreal to me. The evening was great. I'm so glad she came.
Today was family time with my roommate's family. I've been relieved to have no class to think of but there are so many loose ends to tie up related to school. Paperwork, immunizations, money. My first trimester's books ring up for $650.00. I've not yet purchased books for summer classes and tonight I ordered all but my scrubs. This nursing thing seems so weird.
For the next two weeks I'm jamming in all I can. Lots of play! Wednesday will be funeral day. I'm working on a great weekend for husband and myself. There will be dinners and sunshine and camping in the next two weeks and then it's crazy time, pretty much solid until August of 2007. Here's to the next 14 days!
Me, smelling something from in the living room: "Mmm..what yummy thing are you eating?"
Him: Your mom.
Really, though.. he needs to work on the recycling aspect of his humor (I use the term loosely).
"Dutch Flowers" At the City Market
Thank you for indulging my school talk. I'm in school and can potentially relate but often to read another's tales of classes and grades does nothing more than annoy me. Each time a semester ends in my college career prior and present it feels like a clean slate. I think, "Ok! This is my chance!" I use my favorite ink pens to mark my planner. I start the semester running, studying regularly and extensively. In no time I'm lamenting the "shoulds" of attending school. Without fulfilling some of these shoulds I'll quickly drown this summer as the semester is quick. By the time I breathe in enough guilt to try and get my act together the semester will be ending.
People reading this and leaving me comments have been encouraging and supportive and many have given me a level of their own to relate on. I appreciate all of that so much, more than you know. Dan's friendly fatherly advice has lifted me up on so many days.
Today was such a good day. After realizing I hadn't failed my final (which I had honestly thought I did), I went to lunch with a friend from high school that I had not seen for 8 years. Over a delicious sandwich piled with roasted red peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, tomatoes and gorgonzola, we caught up. I waited on her for 10 minutes or so and during that time had the blind-date jitters. I was so worried about how she'd size me up after this time. I'm like I was in high school in some ways but in many ways I am not (thank god) and I wonder sometimes how people will react to that.
My fears were gone as soon as I saw her. We spent three hours just sitting and talking about all sorts of things. She's been living in China for a few years. We agreed that we both are into no-strings-attached relationships that do not require constant upkeep. We don't email everyday, nor every month and don't plan to. Seeing her was great. She said she didn't know the last time she'd talked so much.
After I came home I was kickin' back on the couch waiting for my roommate to get home and I got sleepy. I remember him coming home and I remember talking to him a bit and then I woke up in bed about an hour ago.
Tomorrow, 90 degrees. Oh man, and by the way..I saw that wreck on I-35 today and it was horrible and then later heard the old guy had been hit and killed. Weird. I saw that big lump under yellow plastic. Was that him?
Two fantastic things to celebrate. Well, three.
1) The hippies won the Amazing Race!! (I had their faces as my desktop. I'm lame.)
2) I'm done with this neverending semester. (..and I didn't even get to ride on Falkor!)
3) Today I'm meeting up with a friend I haven't seen for 8 years. It's making me crazy nervous.
Uh oh.. classmate just sent me a txt msg to say that our prof had already posted our grades. I just got home from taking the final! Be right back.
Yay!! Yay!! My grade rhymes with Yay!!
Drinks on me, kids.
Email from me: You can stream ___ radio online.
Response from him: I can stream nude pictures of your mom online.
(By the way, don't forget..tonight is the two hour season finale of The Amazing Race!)
Phil has a blog!
Feels like I've got two feet planted firmly in a mud pit. This is because I've jammed two feet in and I knew it was sloppy, sticky, shoe-sucking mud before I stepped foot in it.
Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling frustrated, feeling lacking, 98% of the time it is my own doing. It is almost never because I am facing some sort of repression or persecution. It is just me being irrational. I can be very defensive and combative at times.
This semester has left me feeling beat up and it is, again, as usual, always my own doing. A lack of preparation and organization has left me significantly behind. Tomorrow is my very last test of this semester and the common theme runs even now. I've been awake now for 4 hours and have not studied at all. I'm closing the computer now, setting up shop in the backyard and studying. If I fail the test tomorrow I will still pass the class with the B required but I'd prefer an A. Deep breaths.
"All Science Courses must be completed with a B or better."
(Nutrition is a Biology course)
However, Nutrition is not one of the courses requiring a B.
As of May 17th, 2006 - all systems go.
Subject to change.
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I got a C in Nutrition. In order to go to nursing school I needed a B. Good job. Real proud. What now? I don't know what happens now.
Nephew and I are kickin' it again today. We're watching Read Between the Lions. I figure a wee bit of TV is ok. We just had an awesome learning session on the remote control. Up makes it louder. Down makes it softer. Up is a popular choice.
I'm determined to exercise massive amounts of patience today. My endurance wanes quickly. Last time I explained my lack of patience to my mom she said, "So, what's he doing? Um..acting like a kid?" Well.. YEAH!! I'm not mean but I do openly admit my patience is short. He's a bit defiant but, I guess that's normal for a three year old little boy. This is the incessant question stage it seems but someone with a more positive outlook might smile at the inquisitive nature. It's cool. He's a smart kid and makes me laugh.
Because SBC/ATT sucks my email addresses have been deleted. Here's the new one.
pomegranate DOT pretty AT gmail DOT com
whatever, does that even help?
Help me test out my new account!
Big test this morning, studied all day, huge final tonight. Final took me about 75 minutes and I left relieved. I wore pigtails today and people talked to me. Do the pigtails make me seem warmer? Or perhaps it was merely the fact that we were all resting in this commonality of stress and knowledge or lack thereof. In it we have each other. So when I left I talked shop with a classmate, which I never do. I could feel the side of my pants getting wet and I didn't understand why. Shop talk ended as we parted ways in the parking lot, me to the east to my little zoom zoom car. Near my car I realized the source. My water bottle, with at least 32 ounces remaining, had bathed my 5 subject notebook and 4 books used in my philosophy class. The paper looked like mush. It all seemed so apropos.
So, I spent nearly five hours at school studying this morning and I feel good about that, however it doesn't seem to even scratch the surface of the vast quantities of information I need to force-feed my brain before say..tonight. I can't believe it's nearly 2 pm. I'm frantically chasing my tail in a blurred circle. FUCK! After the 18th (see? Jesus. Month-long Finals. Whatev!) I'm going to fucking go fuckin' crazy insane and like.. go camping or something. It's gonna rock and I'm gonna sleep and eat Thai food and play outside and sleep and hang out with fam and kiss my husband like 14,000 times. Then, on June 5th begins [the adventure!!] hell.
I should go back up to school to study because here there are fun things to do like daydream about "We Love KATAMARI" (and we do) or eat Honeycomb cereal or fold laundry and really, I've got to keep on keepin' on. What an insanely beautiful day. It's intermittently cloudy and breezy and sunny. Awesome. I love it.
Countdown 4 1/2 hours 'til the Nutrition Exam from hell, 18 hours until my Anatomy & Physiology Lab Practical, 28 hours until my killer Reality & Human Existence Final worth 200 points. Morality and Healthcare Final also scheduled for tomorrow: Cancelled!
If I keep the grade I currently have in Nutrition I'll not be attending nursing school in August. Shit balls. I looked at my grade online and saw that the bigass presentation I did a couple weeks ago, complete with sweet powerpoint presentation was worth FIVE fucking points. I was mad pissed about that. She tosses in these 70 point "quizzes" and then my fat presentation is worth FIVE POINTS?! Are you fucking kidding me? According to the syllabus it's worth 5% of our total grade. There are several hundred points possible so help me with the math.
Next year I'm going to work on cursing less. Maybe.
All this studying for finals has got me checking blogs 15 times a day. Update!
(See, that's sort of a joke 'cause I should be studying and not checking blogs. Get that?)
Yeah, so I did study some hours today. I don't know how many or how not many.
Having two different finals schedules for two different schools has sort of got me feeling like finals week is more like Finals Month (with an exclamation point). It's like the semester that just won't die. And believe me, I'm ready for this sucker to die. Then I can take a two week hiatus from EVERYTHING before I really, really, really have to go to hell. This summer and an accelerated program for nursing school are going to kick my butt. Though 15 months from now I hope to be an RN.
I've been really down on the idea of being a nurse for a bit now and this is partially because I sometimes (often) ooze negativity and also the constant barrage of horror stories from nurses and those around nurses. However, a few days ago someone started listing off all sorts of varied things I could do as an RN and it started to seem more like an adventure. All the fear I have regarding nursing school could really be held at bay if I just keep myself (err, get myself*) disciplined. Who knew that with a little studying I could pull off an A in Chemistry? With some organization and massive time spent studying I can do this. I can do this. Can I do this?
Saturday night - Time studied since Friday day: 0 min:13 sec when I accidentally read something about vitamin deficiencies whileI was moving my Nutrition book off the kitchen table.
What seems like days ago (this morning) I went with my dad to see my great grandma. She's doing poorly as sometimes happens when one is 92. Seeing her was sort of transportive. While she spoke she'd spell things out and write them on her stomach with the pen that wasn't in her hand.
"John and I went to visit her. He loved her like his own mother and she said, 'Why do you always come when I'm going to church" but we didn't follow church like her. C h u r c h."
"I was in a band. L M A and we'd play music while they fished. Man it was fun."
"Oatmeal this morning. I didn't eat it. I spilled my milk some and it was humiliating."
I was there, holding her hand. She told me, "Look at this girl. There's a grin there in her eyes." Felt like I could've pierced her skin with a fingernail. I was there, floating in a sea of her memories. We bobbed every which way.
I dripped some water in her mouth and rubbed a wet finger over her cracked lips. She spelled my name outloud, told me to take that pen out of her hand. I did. She never stopped talking all the while. Her eyes were liquid - you know the way.
My dad and I talked just a little in the car. He's hurting. He told Mom he feels like he's been given a second chance. She told him to take advantage of it. It's a shame he's married to the woman he is. While he's been at home unable to leave because it's hard to walk with all the pain, she's been looking at new houses. Shameless. I'm biased, I know. I can't help it. Her presence makes me buzz.
It was a good day. Familyness. Tomorrow I promise to study. Ask me Monday.
but instead doing nothing at all.
I have been a total schmuck these past two days. I had A&P this morning and thus I try and justify to myself that I've already studied for three hours. I should've been studying all day. I should be studying all night. Instead there was laundry to do and shuffling of things to do. None of which matters or is pressing as is my studying.
I am being the worst student!! It's not even humorous in the least..just pathetic. I cannot be this way. I'm 128% unmotivated. Must I play the role of lazy slob? I need a study buddy. Blargh.
'tryin' to find the gold tooth in God's crooked smile'
We watched this movie last night.. "Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus," and it was so enjoyable. Visually and aurally very stimulating. It's beautiful.
There's so much great music in the film. Jim White, Johnny Dowd, Handsome Family, 16 Horsepower, David Johansen, Trailer Bride, Lee Sexton and Harry Crews tells the most fantastic tales. I could listen to him tell stories all day long.
From the site linked: "The film is an attempt to answer two simple questions - why does so much music and writing come out of this place? What are the elements that come together to make it so stimulating to artists?"
Watching the trailer will give you a feel for the movie (its goal, I suppose).
I think you might like this one. I did.
What if you have a kid and it's ugly? I mean, it sounds awful, sure..but seriously. What if your kid is hideous and you know so? Looks aren't everything, right, I know, but.. what if your kid is hideous?!
*Please do not scold me about some sort of special needs..girl just talkin' bout Ugly.
I finally utilized my big balls to call the landlord and ask about some compensation for the washer being broken for so long and us paying to go to the laundromat. He was instantly irritated and said the washer has been broken two maybe three weeks at the most. WHAT?! I think husband is irritated that I called 'cause it seems now I've successfully pissed the landlord off. We've taken good care of this house, have not torn anything up and I imagine we won't get much of our deposit back now. I was very polite to the landlord and before I said anything I profusely thanked him for the fantastic new washer that works wonderfully.
This all made me highly irritated when I walked in to do Logic work with my professor. So, I did a couple of pages and then we talked about it and I screwed up shit I thought I had right and stuff that I've done correctly in the past. Ugh! At a moment like this I wish I smoked weed or something. I'm just growling with annoyance. I wish I knew the exact date we called the landlord. I'm pretty sure I wrote it in my old planner so I'd have an idea when we let the landlord know and then how long it took for the situation to be resolved. If you see that green planner, let me know. I think we let the landlord know about this at least two months ago. Perhaps it just seems longer? The washer was broken a long time before we actually called the landlord so I'm not factoring in that time. Blah.
