I'm super, crazy sad today. I feel like walking naked in the streets with a big fuck you to all I see. I also feel like squeezing everyone and jamming love into their pores. Are both an excuse to not be studying at the moment. I figured up I can miss almost half on this test today and maintain the grade I have at present. I've studied for about an hour so far this morning. I just made strong coffee. I should go study. What's with my brain today? and ever? curious.
Tomorrow I'll take my last pathophysiology class at the hospital at 4 pm. Yeah. That will end all summer classes. Three out of four passed -- moving on. August 17th -- nursing school begins.
Oh my gosh, darlin' nikki girl -- tHANK yOU! I've been planning my thank you for awhile now as she sent me a darling package containing CD's of her radio show she does --- "Amplified Mixtape" --- OH what a mix! The CD's are so much fun and it was a novelty to hear her voice. I love her blog, her photos. Thank you, thank you! Forgive my belated thanks. It was S U C H a pleasant surprise.
I've been trying to find some Wim Mertens to listen to but at the moment am wrapped up in some songs from the expanded Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack. I've always loved the Nico song that was in that movie.
Tonight we watched the taking of patty hearst - guerrilla oeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr whatever the exact title was. Good one. Interesting. Tomorrow study all day.
"Hey, Dad! Whatcha been doin'?"
-- "I slept all weekend!!"
"Oh? How do you feel?"
-- "Rested!!"
I acquired some vintage soul to smell [even more] fantastic and a great bag. I shaved my legs and smeared them with africa's best before leaving for a day in the sun. All day long swimming in the sun. happiness. reprieve. a breath. now the werckmeister harmonies with my everlasting roommate.
This is a great site. It started when Kelly got breast cancer and decided to take along her camera to record what was happening to her.
Cancer, cancer, cancer. 
I'm so frustrated right now.
I feel like I could just run off screaming into the sunset -- and maybe I should. You know how sometimes, often right after you've orgasmed it's like the slightest touch is amplified to the max and is sometimes just too much? It's like my whole being feels that way. My brain, my heart, my skin, what I hear. It's over the top and makes me want to start yanking out handfuls of hair. I want to simultaneously be alone to kick and scream and surrounded by people to help me stand.
I'm being insanely selfish aren't I? At my dad's house -- his wife makes everything about herself and it pisses me off. I guess I try to confine the thoughts of myself to here or conversations with my husband. I feel like I need some help taking care of myself.
I'm really scared and I realize this situation just keeps dragging on and on. My dad deteriorates more and more every day but still it goes on. I guess that's how it will be.. his body will slowly shut down. He's completely paralyzed except for his left arm now and it seems to be losing feeling as well. My dad seemed to realize yesterday he has a friend that can easily pick him up and move him to a wheelchair so he decided that's what needed to be done. I know he's sick of being in that bed, beyond sick of being in that bed but moving him is really dangerous. Hospice Woman, C., said that moving him like that could easily compress his spine (where lies loads of cancer) and kill him instantly. (After reading that I realize it's already compressed but will get further compressed.) She explained that more than likely, that is how he will die. His spine will compress and he'll stop breathing. He's so small now that I can fairly easily pick him up and move him but I won't. I'm terrified of doing so and could never, ever live with hurting him or pushing him over the edge into death.
Today I was just so worn out and lonely here at home. I drove home from his house early this afternoon and then proceeded to drag my feet for the rest of the afternoon. I even took a nap. I felt resentful of anyone at work, with friends, or really doing anything besides what I've been doing. It's school and dad. I don't mind either of those things I just have been really resentful of those out doing carefree summer activities. I'm also starting to feel like the surprise of my dad being so ill has worn off. It's begun to seem like we'll just be in this holding pattern forever.
I got really sad Sunday evening. I was driving and wanted to listen to some of the voicemails I've saved from my dad over the past year. I think I had 9 all together. When I went to listen they were all gone. I had kept saving them and saving them so they'd stay there and now they're all gone.
Also, today while I was moving his legs I saw that he's getting purpura (bleeding vessels near the skin) on his feet. It's something we covered in my pathophysiology class and it made my heart skip a beat to see it on him. I don't think it's a "serious thing" it just seemed to be a sign of other things maybe. "It's just a matter of time."
Signs of Dying
When I start writing things out here I am almost embarassed about my feelings. They seem inappropriate and sometimes inexcusable. I don't want to be guilty of the selfish things I convict his wife of in my head on a daily basis.
I'll be at his house for the rest of the week. I'll come home a bit during the day when I can. This is Finals Week.
Second verse, same as the first,
a little bit louder, a little bit worse.
Our neighbor has been like, rebuilding his house since 7 am this morning. Hello, it's the Day of your Lord, I want to sleep 'til noon!
My mom brought us some bounty from her garden and it rocks. Yesterday for lunch we had tomato sandwiches. Now we have this huge bucket with yellow squash, zucchini, huge tomatoes, beets, green beans and little red new potatoes. Holy deliciousness! She also brought a loaf of chocolate zucchini bread that shares in the delicious. Now I can feast on these vegetables instead of turtle brownie ice cream. Word. I was also thinking a Garden Update post from Joe would be awesome.
I looked to find out when my online dev psych class ends. In my head it ended August 7 and I wanted to confirm. Instead I found out the class ends July 26th. That's three days from now. Uh, maybe I should get started on the second half of the unit? Oops.
Some chick from Missouri is in the Pussycat Dolls? Weird. Yes, I'm watching Soul Train.
I'm in the basement of my dad's house. His wife's house.. I hate it. It's cold and has an odor. I feel like I'm in a morgue.
Wednesday nights I have class until 9:30 pm and then I've been going to pick up Friend's baby, Z. She apologizes a lot 'cause I have "a lot on my plate" but it's such a nice reprieve to be around something sweet and warm and cuddly.
I keep closing my eyes between words and it feels so good. Dad was fighting through a haze of pain meds to stay up. Finally got him all tucked in and agreeing to sleep. Someone (his step-daughter) sent him one of those forwarded surveys via email so he wanted me to help him fill it out. For some reason this almost made me lose my little shack of composure. Each subject took us no less than 20 minutes to fill out but I sort of love that he wanted to do it. He kept saying "I wanna fill this out to the best of my ability." So we put in his favorite TV shows like "a good western" and anything on the Discovery Channel, his favorite foods - including steak and cake. I really love my dad and am trying hard to show him that and tell him that constantly. I touch him and kiss his forehead a lot. We sit for hours. I hope this will help me have little regret when all is over.
So, oops. I woke up with the laptop in my lap. I started writing this at like 3:00 am.
JdoubleP mentioned Neko Case and I've been listening ever since. See above.
(And oh my goodness they're about to have their son! M-azing!)
People's vacation photos: The sunset photos all start to look the same. Night shots of the moon - the same. Palm trees or mountains, it all starts running together but you nod and Ooh and wow, neat in all the right places. Whether it's a spattering of sky photos or another update on my dad, I bet it's all running together. Every day here is diferent. Does that make them all the same? Small signs show big changes. Things are essentially the same just further down the hill. Moving into the storm and the winds are pickin' up. I can smell the rain.
Have you ever had selfish thoughts about how "nice" it might be to just be hospitalized so you could be absent from Everything without feeling guilty about it?
Awesome organic black chai from T. thanks. I say organic 'cause I was reading off the tea bag, OK?! I'm drinking it with an overloaded spoon of honey because that's allowed when you're a disgusting freaking snot factory like I am right now because, oh yeah, I have time to be sick and it's great for me to blow wads of germs out of myself every single time I talk and cough 'cause that's what my dad needs. Now I can feel guilty and look like an asshole that's searching out an excuse to avoid my dad. I was starting to believe that myself until the chills set in last night. fuck. OH, T., earlier I was looking at something on myspace and I saw someone** had "the kels" and I felt the rage boiling up. hahaha. UGH, ya'know?
I was supposed to go study this morning and I didn't even waiver I said NOOOOO, I Have to stay home and feel better today ok?! But I have to be at Dad's at 4 pm. He cannot keep food down, is dehydrated, bed sores, skin peeling, right arm doesn't work, right side of face sagging, and pretty sure he can't feel his legs much. They said the cancer on the spine would/could paralyze him and I think it's doing its thing on his nerves pressing pressing.
I finished off the bottle of nyquil last night. I think I'm dehydrated. I'm whiney and crazy today. My brain feels detached inside my skull..like if I moved too fast it'd bobble around in there and could maybe end up upside down. I also have awesome man voice that my roommate said is sexy and I said OH you like it when I sound more like a MAN? ok.
I feel scatterbrained. Last night I "talked" to my dad a couple minutes before he hung up. He had trouble talking and cried a lot. The charge nurse on the oncology floor where my mom works said there's always a calm before the storm. She said patients will have a period of doing well, seems like they're getting better even..and then it goes downhill. I guess we're entering storm phase? She said people with a strong heart will hang on. He has a strong heart..muscle.
The phone call/s made me dizzy, sad, and angry. His wife is the type that loves to have secret information and make you beg for it. She'll never, ever just offer up information or updates on my dad. This used to not be such a big deal 'cause I'd go straight to the source but it's hard for my dad to talk and keep things straight now. So, I took a few benadryl and fought off vomiting. I was determined to keep those benadryl down so I could fall asleep. I slept, overslept. I feel more sick today but am going to get some masks so I can go to Dad's. I don't have a fever.
If you have gone through this you know better than me but if you haven't and you have to at some point, maybe things I say will give you a head's up? I tell you about signs..some of which you could find laid out in a hospice book preparing you for your loved one's death. The thing about the hospice book is.. it's so gentle. I need the grit and I'm giving you the grit.
He has liquid morphine for "break-through" pain. He's lost his ability to go to the bathroom again. He can't keep food or liquids down. I think there's fluid building up in his cavities that is pressing on his organs. He's in intense pain that is now again getting harder to manage even with all the pills, pain patches and liquid. He's hypersensitive to loud noises. That one was in the hospice book. It said people might get where only a whisper is all they can handle. He was like that last night.
I feel like I'm doing this alone, ya'know? I realize I'm not and people go through this and much worse daily. It's just that it always feels like them and me. My dad and his new family vs. me. It'd be different if we were a family going through this together. We could relate and go through it side by side. Going there is to lay foot on foreign territory. His wife isn't fond of me and the feeling's mutual. My mom "gets" to deal with it from far away. They don't want her around so she finds out what's up through me. People around me nod and say "let me know if I can do anything" and I so appreciate it. I just need like, a brother or something.
The worst part is the suffering. There are all sorts of cancers and people's bodies respond differently but sometimes, like in this case, things move rapidly but...slowly, if that makes sense. He's gotten bad relatively fast but there are periods of good that are disillusioning. But essentially he's been bed-ridden and completely miserable for months now. The drawn out suffering is awful. Cancer is fucked up.
I have to line out my head for every hour of the day. Ok, first I'm going to shower and then I need to go here and then I'm going to get masks and then I need to drive to my dad's and then I need to study a couple hours before class/test tonight at 5:30 and then I'll be in class four hours and then I can come home and do homework for patho a few hours and then and then and then.
I'm nervous and am tired of doing this alone. Thank god I made myself a CD of lemon jelly for the day.
What a relief to not have class this morning. Four classes in the summer -- tough. Somehow three seems so much more manageable.
I think I might be getting sick? What's this throat/cough thing going on? The potential viral infection makes it dangerous for me to be near Dad. Feeling relieved is bad. When I talked to him yesterday he sounded really bad. He said he was having a really bad day and he cried a lot.
I've begun preparing today for the test I have every Monday at the hospital. Thank goodness. It's all due to the end of micro. Please, please send passing vibes. It would be awful for me to have not passed. I'll be so disappointed. I think the remaining three will be fine.
I don't wanna go to my dad's today. I shouldn't be that way, I know. Ah.
Oh shit! I almost forgot to tell you..
Microbiology is OVER. Shit yeah, man. Cram that 16 week course into 5, slap my ass and call me shawty! Here's hopin' that I passed with my B 'cause after that ass-kickin' final it's debatable. Seriously.
For almost 20 minutes now, my roommate and I have been mesmerized by the Time Life infomercial for Hee Haw DVD's.
She's a good-hearted woman in love with a good-timin' man.
"Red China? Well I think it's just fine as long as it doesn't clash with the tablecloth!"
Overalls and hound dogs.
I have this very distinct memory of falling asleep on the couch on a hot summer evening in front of a fan. I woke up to my dad sitting next to me telling me it was time for dinner. He didn't have a shirt on and his skin was warm from a shower. He smelled like Safeguard soap. I smelled his soap before I saw him.
Only 4 payments of $29.99 plus shipping and handling.
I just spent entirely too much time attempting to change the background (to some sort of pattern) of this blog. It feels putrid and I avoid looking at it these days.
My dad is up and down these days. One day he's apologizing that he won't be around much longer, the next he's up and sitting at the table. He went to the drive-in last week. It was ok 'cause he could sit in the luxurious heated seat of the car. He's hard to talk to. Hey, I'd be crabby too.
I was supposed to go study with ppl. today and I totally bailed. Instead I walked in circles around here, did laundry, attempted to pick up a few things, looked to see zero emails, then met my mom for a late lunch at Tasty Thai. (!!) We ate a variety of tasty things and then milled around at the bookstore. I waited while my mom had insane diarrhea at the bookstore. I bought two cards 'cause I try to make up for my anti-social tendencies with them. Afterwards my mom wanted to spend the night here so we came home, made coffee and brownies and played on the fascinating computer. Mom insisted I download like 10 Guns N Roses songs for her and we looked at house plans as she's daydreaming about building a new house. Just about the time she gets excited she talks herself out of it and starts feeling guilty for her thoughts.
I wanted this book today called Beautiful Losers.
Now I'm sitting in the dark tippity typing while my roommate edits art and my mom sleeps on the couch.
I feel dizzy and confused. It's nearly 2 am. I haven't studied yet for my microbiology final that is in six hours. I'm babysitting Z. and accidentally fell asleep with her on the couch. When I finally shifted to try and get up we were both sweaty and she lifted her head looking just as disoriented as I feel. I shouldn't have slept but am so tired so now after two hours of sleep or so, it feels like I've slipped into an alternate universe. I guess I need to study now. Painfully tired. After my final later this morning (ack!), class is over. I'll only have three classes as opposed to four. In a moment like this it's easy to think to oneself that you're the only person awake and this tired and stressed and it feels sad but it's not true. All is quiet and peaceful here and I wish I were among the sleeping babes. Ugh. Must. Go. Study. It'll look different in the daylight.
I was just sitting here getting all twizzled up in overwhelmed frustration. A noise, a voice on TV and I've instantly lost my train of thought. This afternoon, taking my patho test at the hospital, a girl got up to ask a question mid-test and I froze. I just stopped and stared and then couldn't get back into the groove.
We watched The Devil's Rejects a bit ago.
All of the ALL is making me so grumpy. Caught a "glimpse" (prolonged and repeated reading) of my dad's draft of a living will tonight and it made my head spin. I thought just now, gosh, I could just um.. go to bed! I'm off to sleep all night long. This rain is great, eh?
...I have a date. And lemme tell ya, I couldn't be more excited! Oh the distraction, the new (real life) friends, the NOODLES! The day holds so much promise. I'm getting all sentimental about it for real.
I got up this morning (and even washed my hair!) and headed for my dad's. I was about halfway there and called to make sure he felt like me coming. He didn't. So, I turned around and went home, grabbing coffee on the way. A secret part of me (that often gets spilled out all over this blog) was relieved.
His wife was all SUPER LOUD blah blah bitchity bitch smack like usual. I cringe inside whenever I hafta hear her (which is often). She's always so LOUD and so.. BITCHY. She complains incessantly about..everything. A quick trip to Quik Trip insures a 20 minute bitch session when she returns about parking/the cashier/someone's dog/some fat lady/the way people dress/their coffee/color of paint/etc. It's exhausting and it makes me feel sorry for my dad. This morning she was still sleeping when I called my dad and at some point woke up and went into his room. He's all "Good morning, sweetheart! Didya get rested?" Her response, "What-the-fuck-EVER! You kept me up all night! I didn't get to sleep until after 2 am!" Me, I'm thinkin'..wow, 2 am til' after 9 am? That's a sweet 7 hours!! Bah!
So anyway, I've been looking forward to today (the day I'd have enough balls to act semi-normal socially and meet two super cool people) for awhile now. I can honestly say [at the moment] I'm not even nervous, only excited. Shitty times really do make a person look forward to and appreciate small little things. Well, potentially.
P.S. I updated my MySpace (shut up, Tony) 'cause I chopped all my hairs off.
