The Mercury Cruiser.

Whewee.. isn't she lovely?

Baby, please..

Please gimme some love while I'm listening to Nina Simone sing to me about being Funkier Than a Mosquito's Tweeter.

You never change, always rappin' 'bout the same ol' thing..

cleansing of the toxins..

My dad's wife makes me nauseated. The insanely excessive volume at which she speaks makes me nauseated. It's hard for me to be in the same room with her. She never stops talking..about herself. Please do not mistakenly refer to her as my "stepmom." She is nothing of the sort.

My body is working on settling into this new routine as is my brain. Somehow, the body seems to be having a tougher go at it?

I wear flip flops that have red and white stripes. I think I bought them at least eight years ago. This morning I ate a few spoonfuls of oatmeal with cranberries before going to school.
I went to turn in my three forms required to join the fitness center and Jeff wasn't there so I couldn't.

During a physical assessment with my lab partner she rubbed the top of my arm and asked "Um..what's this hard thing under here? Is this..? Am I touching bone?" I looked, "That's all muscle, baby!" ha! If I have nothing else, I have awesome deltoids.

I'm getting a bicycle. Those of you (stalking me) on myspace may have seen this delightful info. It really is delightful.

The wife is in the other room talk(yell)ing at her "little fuckin' bitch" dog about something. She has two chihuahua's. Poor things. She taints my life. She haunts me in my sleep.

early P.S. If you smoke in your house constantly it's fucking disgusting. Trust me when I say that your house smells like shit.

I must remember not to allow myself to open up online school modules while lying in bed preparing to sleep.
I feel like I am talking with a rod shoved up my ass. Why am I talking like this? I sound all primity prop smack. What?

study break.

When I tell "you" I'm doing homework, it doesn't mean I'm filling out a worksheet after reading a chapter in a book..

When all the limbs are numb and clean,
And you're in transit, dream to dream,
I'll drift there to meet you, lazybones.

When all the noise has left your head
Will someday you rise off the bed?
I'll be there to lift you, lazybones

This weekend I get to take some of my own (or yours?) poop and pee samples for tests on Monday. I love hands-on.

If you were lookin' fer me..I'm in school 8-5. Seeya next year.

Tuesday Night

I've got hot coffee, homework spread everywhere and the best part, my roommate, here at the kitchen table with me. It feels good when he is in here too. He's drawing. I'm playing DJ for us. Having trouble staving off the breakdowns. I hate being around an abundance of women. Everyone has grouped up into their "cliques" at school and I feel like an 8th grade weirdo that nobody wants as a lab partner. Am I feeling sorry for myself?

This accelerated program is thus far the hardest schooling I've ever done. Feels like we've been back in class for a month. Finding a groove, joining the fitness center at the hospital. How're ya?

Stellar.

I'm listening to Helen Stellar. - "This Time Around" and I'm feelin' good. Dad's on the other side of the wall and I hear the occasional snicker at the movie he's watching. It sounds so good. It sounds so goddamn good.

I'm reading homework over spirituality and near-death experiences.
My body feels good right now and my head is optimistic. School gives me structure. Structure's good for kids, right?

When Dad woke up this evening we chatted and I showed him the burn on his side with a mirror. He rarely sees a mirror so I asked if he wanted to look in it. He decided he wanted to brush his teeth and then asked me to help him put whitener on them. I asked him if tomorrow he wants to trim his mustache. It's getting unruly. He has a mustache and full beard. There are some gray whiskers mixed in with the others that are auburn. This is changing my life.

just way too much information divulged but that's how i roll today.

This week has been busy like most and I spent as much time as possible with Dad before school starts (TOMORROW). During this week I also visited the doctor twice. That's two more times than I've been in damn near two years. First visit was for immunizations and immunity titers of my blood. I didn't even mind the sticks. The whole time I kept imagining myself sticking a needle into someone's vein, piercing another human's skin for the first time. The second visit, today, was the follow-up visit I was to have 20 months ago. I was to return and then keep returning every three months and I just never went back. You see, they sliced and diced a bit on my womanly parts last time and maybe I just freaked out? Maybe I didn't want to potentially hear that I had cervical cancer? Maybe I was just pissed about the $500.00 I had to pay post-slice & dice? Either way, I received a lecture from the nurse and then the doc so I decided to return immediately. (fascinating, right?) So today I went to get my hoochie-coochie looked at. The doctor spent nearly 30 minutes just talking to me before the exam and it was just a huge relief. It felt like I broke the ice on getting my health on the upswing. I'm really excited.

Also, I'm sleeping at home tonight and it feels good to be around my roommate. I prepped stuff for my brown-bag lunch tomorrow and did laundry. I even took books back to the library! Now I've put in a movie I rented online about surviving Mt. Everest. I am so in love with stories like this. I'm ready to get the show on the road with nursing school. In less than 12 months I will (hopefully) be doing that dorky pinning ceremony.

13 minutes

I'm allowing myself 13 minutes on the internet before I scamper off to the shower. Oops, make that 12. I've got an errand to run, back home and then off to Dad's. His step-daughter (cringe) usually stays once a week (Friday nights) but this weekend she stayed Friday and Saturday night 'cause for weeks now I've had plans for Saturday. Of course on Friday when I again mentioned these plans for the 40th time they had been forgotten and were bounced back to me with a hearty "I've been pretty busy and haven't had time to look at your little schedule." That's totally fine but the schedule was put into place after much bitching from you, new wife, and there are NEVER plans on there. I am always wide open but I had plans on the 12th, goddamnit! So Step-daughter calls and says, "Uh, when are you coming today 'cause I'd like to go home sometime this weekend." She lives less that 4 miles away from Dad's. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, poor dear!! I'll rush right over KISSMYASS. New wife is gonna be real pissed when she sees the 14 million things I need to get done before school starts THURSDAY holyshit.

New wife informed me that after my dad dies in that house she'll no longer be able to live there. On Friday she and Step-daughter went out in the afternoon to look at new houses. And this is the part where I need to rein in the rage. I'm there for my dad. I'm there for my dad. I'm ultra-flexible or at least try to be so when that gets taken advantage of I get irritable.

Some day I will have something else to write about. Some day, I will not simply spew out a smattering of complaints. Some day. someday?

As I mentioned, school starts on Thursday. Wow.. I can hardly believe it.

My roommate hates CHEEZ-ITs. What gives? He can't even explain why he hates them. Do you hate them? I told my prom date in high school that I had heard CHEEZ-ITs make your breath smell like urine. He was unimpressed and informed me that he neither A) liked CHEEZ-ITs or B) made it a habit to smell urine. My present roommate would've totally appreciated my fun fact and would've followed it up with his own I bet.

The party gig set for the 19th, 6 days away (?!) may be cancelled. Just don't know that I'll have the time/energy for it. I mean, it would involve cleaning up my house that has not been cleaned for a very long time. Ack. I wasted too long playing CHEEZ-IT hockey with my roommate and now my 13 minutes are up.

my dad.

a puppet no longer!

hey guess what!

at my dad's he has wireless internet and i was getting pissed at us for never getting ours to work and so tonight i was all like, fuck it, i'm gonna tinker with it but after 5 minutes i'm quitting 'cause i lose patience and then DING!! it worked. sweet ass. it works and it took no time to hook it up. i think we made it too hard last time.

haha.

I hate this place.

This place. THIS place.

Losing my head, running out of tape for my heart.

Feels like my dad's wife has one goal: Make him hate me.

She shares shitty stories he's told about me. I haven't heard her ever share a decent story he told of me. One where I hadn't fucked up. I think he'd be more proud of a daughter with a nice figure and hot tan than one that can manage to pass pathophysiology. oh well. I'm trying really hard.

His wife won't allow my mom or any member of her family in her home. This is HER HOUSE! My mom and her family, a part of my dad's life for more than 30 years. That pretty much seals the deal that my mom will never see him again. It breaks my heart. This situation sucks so much ass. I can't even pretend to be eloquent about it. See how it just goes on and on? I have nothing to write here that isn't related. It is all-consuming. This is my life now. I stay here every day. I sleep on a mattress on the floor of his room. I count the seconds between his breaths. I listen to the crackle of air through the fluid in his lungs. My heart stops when he chokes. I feel like I am guaranteed to have cancer as well.

Nursing school begins on August 17th. What am I going to do? How do i do both? I'm so worried. Things continue to hurtle downhill at a steady pace. He will only be worse by then.

On a completely unrelated or completely related note: Party type thing at my house on August 19th. I'm not yet sure how I feel about the potential for people I haven't previously met in the flesh coming but anyway.

seeya.

i almost just had a heart attack just now and also almost peed my pants and burst into flames and ripped my hair out

i went into my dad's room and his eyes were half open and the light was reflecting on them and his head is tilted to his left side and his mouth is wiiiide open hanging slack-jawed and his chest wasn't moving and it was silent and i thought i might scream and then he finally sucked in a breath. whoah.
and then i came to blog about it? get a life, me.

Dogs in China.

Did you happen to see this story?

A county in south-west China has ordered all 50,546 dogs to be killed to
fight a rabies outbreak which has killed three people, state media say.

Hey, kid you rock & roll - rock on.

I kinda feel like a stalker 'cause I keep looking at pictures of Sarah & Jason's new baby, Roman. I don't know the two on a personal, in-person level but it's fascinating to read someone's blog for a long time and watch the progression of their lives. I was genuinely excited and anticipating the arrival of their son. Too cool.

Tonight I took a five hour nap. Oops? After leaving Dad's this afternoon I drove up to my mom's house and spent the afternoon sitting outside in the sun with her listening to music. It was a good day. I'm workin' in some last-minute chill time between trips to my dad's. I slept in his room with him last night.

I think I'm gonna have a "dinner party" of sorts next weekend before school starts back on the 17th. Classes all passed -- moving forward. Still a small stack of loose ends to tie up before then. World keeps on spinnin'. And, ohhh - this blog turns two this month. heh.