Trumpets & Drums

The high school marching band is marching down the street in front of my house. Somehow it seems like a complete mockery of my day thus far.

Always with the blah blah blah.

Art Fair.

It was such a nice day.

I've heard if a toad pees on you.. but what exactly is happening here? In actuality, the frog "appeared" to be spitting on the wee one's wee wee but what do I know.

(Insert some sort of blogger commentary about how I went to the "lame"

Plaza Art Fair to rub knees with the Johnson County folks or..something.)

My first visit alone.

brother and son.

gah!

Ok, so today I have to make my decision about my previous post. I'm also going to visit my dad's grave for the first time since the funeral. It's 5 am right now and I'm t i r e d. I got up at 4:30 so I could work on homework. I'm having a horrible time getting caught back up. There are four lab write-ups I need to turn in today and I have a make-up exam at 8:30 this morning. (I don't have class on Fridays so it sucks I have to go in now) So I have almost 2 write-ups done and know at this point the other two are not getting finished this morning. I'll spend the rest of my morning studying for the exam I think. So far I'm passing all courses. In two weeks I'll begin doing clinicals in hospitals. !!! I've been at this for a month. If you plan to be in the hospital soon, look out! "No, Ma'am, Mrs. Nicely, I sure haven't done this before but you just take a couple deep breaths and bear down, ok?!"

Anyway, Sunday is my mom's birthday. I'm sad for her because it's 12 days after Dad died and 14 days before his birthday. These days are rough. I watched the slideshow played at his visitation and funeral last night. The slideshow his (now former) wife told me needed to be viewed by her and my aunt prior to everything so they could modify it as they saw fit. One of many things that sorta made me livid. Watching the slideshow is like lancing a wound. It opens things up, lets it drain awhile. Maybe it helps the healing process? Maybe I could've used an analogy that didn't involve pus?

I need advice.

Now's your chance!

So, at the Acme Funeral Home Extravaganza while we were choosing scripted messages to appear inside the memoriam and spelling names of survivors, the funeral director showed us some necklaces they offer. (Funeral Home business is a booming one, folks.)

I was instantly intrigued by these necklaces (surprisingly) and wanted one. I'm not one for jewelry but this seemed really "unique."

As the past week has marched on, I have begun to feel that this necklace (which I ordered and now owe money for) is exceedingly creepy. You see, the necklace is my dad's thumbprint. That part becomes creepy when you find out the thumbprint was taken from his dead body. I don't mean to sound disrespectful or highly morbid but now I'm torn right down the middle. I realize that it's another ploy to make money on behalf of the funeral home but there was a part of me that found it really neat. Now, I feel a bit like a weirdo. What should I do? I'm not sure I can even get out of paying for the necklace now but is it totally creepy?

Holdin' steady..

Last night I set my alarm for 4:45 am. When it began going off I barely roused enough to push my finger along the button to make it stop. I lathered, rinsed and repeated this until 6 am when I decided to just shut it off completely. School went along pretty well. People ask stupid questions (Why didn't your dad just have surgery? Ack! Why didn't we think of that?). I know they mean well... I do but c'mon.

I seriously do feel somewhat initiated into the adult world. I feel like I could come up with something I'd like to do and then (gasp!) accomplish it. I also am all about enriching my life. Sappity sap sap. I'm amazed by people that say something like, "Hm..New Zealand's nice..."and then move there. Amazed. I want to live a fuller life. This sorta sounds familiar.

Right now I'm watching the Biggest Loser. I ate a candy bar during the first 30 minutes of the show.

Someone dropped me off here.

There are only these unplanned moments when it's like I finally look up and someone's flipped on othe light. It's in those moments I feel most sad. Yesterday I listened to my dad's voice on my answering machine. I'm still in awe. I can't believe my dad, my daddy, is gone. When that fact sinks its teeth into me, for a moment I am completely and totally overwhelmed, drowning in a pool of grief. These moments surprise me and rarely come when people around me think they might. The most blatantly sad parts kick me into mechanical overdrive and I function smoothly as a well-oiled machine. When I look at his pictures, it seems like I should be able to touch him. Can't catch my breath. He's gone. It's really happening. I want him back.

Blogger in beta

Maybe I should've read some information about switching before I just completely switched over because now, for instance, I cannot post any comments on a non-beta blogger's blog.

Hi.

How ya been?

Today was my dad's funeral. I feel like I'm walking through this world in a different manner. This feels like some sort of initiation into the adult world. I have so many things I want to tell you.. Some of them will have to wait for a little burst of energy. At the moment I'm fairly peaceful. My head is afloat with all sorts of things, from the mundane - need to clean my house, behind on homework in an insane way, tests to make up, yard to mow - to feelings on my dad's death, his wife, her work to insure complete loss of his dignity, her insanity, my life without her and new thoughts on people in general. I feel much softer to humans now. I feel all sorts of different now.

My friends and family have been amazing people. I nearly burst when three very amazing people walked in to my dad's visitation on Thursday night. It was when I saw Sheri's face that I instantly felt a zing of connection (cheesy?) and knew she was the one person that just might make me cry at that moment. I pointed them out as bloggers. (smile!!) It was just so good to see them. It made me smile and feel warm. I even got to meet the elusive Tony! They also got to meet my (elusive) roommate. Thank you so much for coming, guys. It meant sooo, so much to me. The most awesome part was on the ride home that night when I opened the card Sheri had given me. Out of it tumbled a gift card to Berbiglia! Holy awesomeness! Could it have been something more perfect?! Thank you, thank you! It made me laugh and I can't wait to use it. Thanks for back-up that night, guys and I hope you all got to meet Cruella.

More on all of this later. Thanks everyone for nice thoughts, for kind words, for good vibes. It nourishes me. Thank you.



He died less than a year after this post..

some bits

Serious shortage of booze in this house. What gives?

If you'd like any sort of visitation/funeral/online guestbook information I can give it to you. I don't know how to give it out en masse without just completely obliterating any semblance of privacy.

September 12th.

My dad died this morning.

In which I talk about my vagina and candy.

My roommate and I were lying in bed this morning when I informed him I'm going to have a complete hysterectomy. Nobody wants to hear about this 'cause I don't wanna hear about it but my last PAP came back abnormal and they wanna do a little biopsy action on my cervix. They also did this biopsy last year. I was really nervous beforehand as I'd never had something like that done and now that I've done it, I'm MORE nervous. It was scary and painful, though I guess cervical cancer is probably more scary and painful.

This morning I got up and went to a local cheap people store to buy some candles that smell like fall, a thermometer and PROBE covers and candy containing chocolate. These assorted sundries are spread out before me. Oh I also bought some shampoo.

The list.

I have topped out as #1 on the Shittiest Wife List. Seriously.
Tonight I did something I haven't done in a long time or.. maybe ever.
I called my dad's wife (referred to as Cruella in certain circles) and told her I wasn't coming over tonight.
So I ate a sonic cheeseburger on the floor with my roommate and we have hung out within a foot or two of one another all evening.
Speakin' of, my roommate just said (in response to some Jimmy Kimmel), "Seventh season of America's Next Top Model? How old are we?" Yeah, seriously. Seventh season?
And yeah, seriously, shittiest wife. ever.

We're goin' down.

I feel like I'm on a plane and the pilot has announced to us that we're goin' down, to prepare for a crash landing. Around me are other passengers that are instantly filled with panic. I look like Zach Braff when he's on the plane in the opening scene of Garden State. Everyone moving in slow motion panic and he's just staring, calmly adjusting the air control nozzle above his seat. To the outside/inside world I look like a heartless bastard. It's survival and I've put myself into Robot Mode. So just as we start preparing for the crash, pulling the oxygen over our faces, the pilots come back on, "Everyone calm down. We're not going to crash." After a bit we all do that somewhat delirious laugh of disbelief and breathe the smallest sigh of relief and start to release the white-knuckle grip on the handles of our chairs and the pilot's voice echoes into the speakers, somberly telling us again, "We're goin' down."

I'm so worn out.

Not so much havin' even the tiniest shred of grace or strength right now. I'm so tired. My body hurts. I had two papers to type for 8 am tomorrow and I didn't do either one of them. I have a quiz that's due at 7:50 am and I haven't done it either. I went to bed at like 9:30 and basically just cried and moaned about how bad my body hurts. I think my birth control is revolting and decided to just shred my woman innards to get attention or something. Not doing well. Hospice said today that Dad has a couple days. When I was with him today, his wife/step-daughter/wife's friend kept coming in and out and I wanted to rip their faces off and scratch my nails through their raw flesh underneath and scream at them to fucking leave me the fuck alone. Instead I did the usual and stayed silent and ignored them completely. I wanted to just shut the door of my dad's room and hope they took a fucking hint. So I guess I just keep goin' on like everything's cool or what? Keep on doin' school. Keep on whatever. Right, it's just that simple. "Well, you have to!" Brilliant. I've spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out why so many people at school seem unable to stand me. At school the dad stuff is not public so I'm quiet and they come up with clever things to throw at me like, "Geez, what's your problem? Cheer up!!" Cheer up!!! Cheer up!!! Cheer up!!!

sheri, i think you're amazing. I'm thinking about you so much these days.

I'm probably the last to know..

I didn't know Steve Irwin died today.

Me. Looking AWESOME.

An Update On My Dad.

I've been holding off on an update and doing my best to post something unrelated but I want/need to update now.

At his house right now.. He's been asleep since noon yesterday, so..about 30 hours and counting. He's on oxygen. He's barely producing any urine at all and it's the color of strong coffee. He's not eating/drinking. Hospice said last week he'll probably slip into a coma soon. They said, "this is the end." Hard to know as we heard the same thing at the beginning of June when his doc "gave" him 30 days. He doesn't talk much but a little on occasion. When he's awake he sort of looks through you. He's losing his ability to swallow. We place a pill under his tongue which zaps up secretions that he could potentially choke on. He can't cough 'em up or swallow 'em so they sort of gurgle around.

I'm so beyond done with his wife and her family/friends. I'm an outsider here and I'm losing my mind. Having trouble focusing on school but passed all my tests last week. Two weeks down, moving forward.

My poor dad. He's suffering. He's in a lot of pain again. He lost feeling from the stomach down quite some time ago but the pain/cancer is moving up his back now and he has new pain. It makes him weep. Can't tell what will happen and when. Hospice says he could potentially hang on in this condition for another month. I put little weight in what they say as he's proved everyone wrong.