Dear Buttwads,

I'm sorry that we didn't pass out candy to you tonight but really, did you have to egg our house?

For sure no candy for you next year,
pom.

kiva

Tonight we watched Frontline's special on PBS about an organization called Kiva. I was so impressed! If you're interested in reading more, I definitely urge you to click that link. In short, Kiva is an organization that deals with "microloans." With as little as $100.00 people (like you or me) can lend money to a person in say, Kenya, which he or she uses to start or further a business. People have loaned over $400,000.00 through Kiva and so far the pay-back rate is 100%. Many people that lend money then re-lend the money that is paid back to them. I'm really interested in knowing more. I've been on their site this evening and a temporary homepage is up as they are completely inundated with traffic after the special aired so perhaps that will subside in a day or two.
What do you think about it?

.

I was wishing I'd blow away today.

Remember that these are throwaway words that mean nothing: "Oh you'll be fine! You have time to bring it [my grade, bank account?] up! It'll be over before ya know it! Everything will be ok! Just ask for an extension! Don't worry. Cheer up."

i don't care what other people say

you make me feel a little older
like a full grown woman might
but when you're gone i grow colder
come to me again in the cold, cold night
in the cold, cold night -- white stripes.


partially complete drinkin' cold coffee that started hot and scrapin' a metal rake on the concrete, raking leaves that aren't there because nothing is there. it's all bled out.
don't hold onto me 'cause i'm goin down. i'm drowning.

how long can a person last like this? change can only occur directly, not an outside force acting on it. forgot the life jacket. cherry flavored lifesavers set afloat in an ocean won't do. they simply will not do.

pumpkin scented promises

ahaha. sucker!!

This weekend I would like to ensure my passing of my pharmacology test Monday, go see 'Death of a President,' drink some coffee that is delicious and dark, carve pumpkins and roast the seeds and put tea lights in the pumpkins like real-style not plug-in style but I'm no hater, send 2 postcards, eat some of the cupcakes I baked today, watch the two movies we rented like two weeks ago, sleep, eat soup, sleep, eat sweet potatoes, read a magazine.

love, pom.

s, yes! i wanna go see marie.

Skidboot

I found this linked via dooce.

Skidboot.


Went to bed at 10 pm last night. Set the alarm for 4:30, up at 6:00. Not a good start to the week - behind and unprepared. Study time for huge test this morning: 0 minutes
Assessment/Drug Profile/Nursing Care Plans written last night: 0 total
0% proud of myself

School Vomit

Oh hi! Me again.

Earlier babbling related to sch**l. I'm err..having a hard time. Even the smallest tasks, I struggle and muddle along. The uncomfortableness I've been feeling in my clinicals at the hospital is almost paralyzing. I'm ridiculous. The biggest things I've done so far are help someone prepare for a bath and uh, give a shot. Of course this is the natural progression but I'm sort of hating it..a lot. Half an hour ago I decided to look to see what would be covered on our test tomorrow. Two days of clinical this week makes me want to stab my eyes out. What's the deal?

During conversation over dinner with my roommate last night I further realized that it seems to me, if I'm talking - I'm complaining. Other people just soldier on and with me it's "always something." It must be exhausting to my roommate. I guess I thought a couple days away would magically restore me and make me look forward to school, getting more organized, studying.. The plan needs work. I could soldier on through the night and not even begin to be "caught up." I feel disappointed in myself. Limp noodle.

Comfortable.

I love the familiarity that washes over me immediately after pulling into our driveway. We've been gone since Friday and it was lovely. We drove to St. Louis and stayed at the nicest hotel I'd ever been to. We slept in a huge, magnificent bed, watched cable TV, ate too much (still? what?), used public transportation (which i love love), and went to the Zoo! We went some other places too.

It was nice to be away. I had hoped that while staying in our lovely hotel I'd awake to find the Motivation Fairy had visited and left a heap of motivation and inspiration tucked under my huge down pillow. Sadly, she stood me up.

I'm trying to put myself back into a groove. I've totally fallen down on school. Huge test tomorrow and I couldn't begin to tell you what it's over. Cold wind outside makes me inspired to nestle into a pile of blankets with my roommate and sleep until the Amazing Race starts.

Last night we watched Steven Wright then Jim Gaffigan then Dave Chappelle on Comedy Central and I honestly haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. We were both weeping and gasping for air.

Not a single message on the answering machine and not a single email awaited. We were missed..

Couldn't come sooner..

We're leaving for the weekend tomorrow. Monday morning I have a huge test to welcome me back but oh well. I'm so fucking tired of hearing about cancer. It swarms all around.

I'm currently doing homework I should've done two days ago and now it needs to be finished immediately. In 30 minutes I'm leaving to go pick up baby Z for the night. I hope I can get her to sleeeeep, finish homework and sleep some before time to head out on the road. I'm so excited to spend the entire weekend out of this house and only with my roommate. so. excited. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!

Fall Break!

Yesterday began my Fall Break, good thing as I was seriously hitting the wall.

I spent most of my time yesterday doing small things like laundry and lying under heaps of blankets. I also spent a fair amount of time listening to Pauline Croze and The Kooks. It's ok that I can't understand a word Pauline is saying as I like her music anyway. She's also beautiful. I have a feeling we're catching on with the Kooks and they'll soon be highly overrated, could be wrong. "Welcome to the Black Parade" from My Chemical Romance is a total guilty pleasure for me but I (sadly) hear it on the radio much too often.

Tomorrow we're leaving town. I'm VERY excited.

On love and diarrhea.

We don't generally eat out that often. Our eating habits got weird when I was at my dad's every night. Usually I'd just cook something and we both take our lunches to school/work. However, lately we've been going out to eat, more than just a time or two on the weekend. Friday I cooked a great meal. Saturday I made chicken noodle soup and then in the evening we ate fast food courtesy of my roommate's sister for the impending babysitting of our nephew that night. Sunday I cooked crappy food. Tonight we "decided" to go out with the excuse that it's our anniversary. We had overpriced chain restaurant food. It was quite edible but I came home feeling like a bloated whale and then I spent 20 minutes in the bathroom reading an article about Neko Case. We agree our eating habits have taken a wrong turn and in order to avoid consistently feeling like crap, we've got to do better.

And now, dessert!
I'll make this brief, for his sake and yours. I have the most fantastic roommate a girl could ask for. The unending patience, hysterical sense of humor, head-of-curls, unending patience (!), support; they keep me going. He's steady. Our first two years have been err, challenging. Outside forces have kept us "on our toes." I quit my job not long before we got married, my parents got divorced, I got a new job, quit that one about six months into our marriage, we moved, I got a temp job, got another job, quit that job about 6 months into it and then suddenly decided to go back to school! (Still hangin' in there?) He became our only life-sustaining force. A month into my going-back-to-school, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Two weeks later - my dad remarried. Since then I've been doing this school business, my dad died, his wife is now free to show her psychotic true colors and still..here he is. I throw tantrums, I scream and cry and want to disappear. I act ugly.
He is the kindest man I've ever known in my entire life and I love him endlessly.
I told my dad we are a perfect match.

To my roommate: Thanks. Happy Anniversary.

Picasa

I should be sleeping.

Instead I've been uploading photos to Picasa.

I like it.

"Photo Ops"

Click HERE to see my albums.

Autumn at our house.

 

 

 

 

more fire, please.

 

the previous collage turned out kinda.. heh. 

the fire.

 

 

And it pounds in my head on and on.

Dad's former wife is making my life hell. Why can't she just go away? Now her antics involve legal action. She makes me feel like I'm being violated here in my own home. I expect her to show up here again anytime. I feel like I have no protection against her. It's exhausting and scary. Who knows what she's capable of. I hate this.

tonight i checked my dad's email for him like i've done a hundred times before. i didn't read any outloud tonight but i did delete the junk mail.

holy sodium!

I like eating food at chipotle sometimes. However, I was (somewhat) horrified to learn of a site called "chipotle fan" where one can look up the nutrition facts for his/her favorite chipotle meal.

Below are the results for my favorite chipotle burrito including the wrap, rice & black beans, chicken, corn & green tomatillo salsa, cheese & sour cream. And, err..on occasion, we'll share chips & guacamole, a significant addition to fat & calories. Man.

Chipotle Nutrition Facts Serving Size: 1 Burrito Amount Per Serving Calories 1264 Calories from Fat 431 % DV* Total Fat 48g Saturated Fat 18g Cholesterol 166mg Sodium 3196mg Total Carbohydrate 144g Dietary Fiber 12.5g Sugars 6g Protein 64g Vitamin A 106% Vitamin C 24% Calcium 50% Iron 26%

More Petty Theft

ganked from raymi

so if you put http://gabbly.com in front of any url you can instantly chat
with people who are browsing that site so if you click this which
is http://gabbly.com/raymitheminx.blogspot.com we can chat for houuurs and yet
another reason to read my stupid fucking blog. it's not rocket science. you can
do it to your website too.

SO, i did it. so do it.

yeah right, like anyone but me will ever be on there.

and also, our neighbor behind us is putting up a big tall fence. ROCK!

Ugh!

This blog is soooooo depressing! It needs a healthy dose of curse words and BS. (err, redundant?) I would like to own this kozyndan shirt, please NOW.

Our day has looked like this: trip to the corner for qt coffee, watching crap tv, eating crappy breakfast burrito, having sex, taking short catnap following sex, showers, chips & salsa, computer, a now (in action) plan to go to mom's and have a bonfire tonight with people we like, roommate playing some old school (LAME) video game on computer, lip balm, sunshine, fall, no homework. People say, "Your dad is watching over you now!" Is he watching me have sex with my roommate? Is he watching me poop?

later, skater.

October 7, 1958

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Pre-weekend tidbits:

Today I had my big "Head-to-Toe" Assessment Exam and got an A! It was an insane amount of information and boiled down, reduced to a syrupy sauce it was an hour and ten minutes of me assessing another person's body. I'm relieved it's over.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday.

Tomorrow is my cousin's wedding.

A couple of days ago my dad's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's in his lungs and in the sac around his heart. They sent him home with hospice. I wonder if my grandpa regrets his refusal to ever visit my dad or speak to him before he died.

I bought a bag of suckers with gum in them today. Strawberry, orange, cherry and grape.

I bought my scrubs and lab coat today in preparation for clinicals that start Tuesday. I get to meet "my" first patient on Monday.

At the end of next week the highs are supposed to be in the 40's.

I'd like to go camp and sit around a huge fire during the night tomorrow.

Common reactions upon reading my blog.

I felt pretty guilty after reading Sheri's blog. Don't kill me for posting some of it here, Sheri. I am totally guilty of causing such reactions after someone reads my blog, guarantee.

- shut up CHECK

- yawn CHECK

- isn't it all for the kids? Really, not being sarcastic ... it's ALL for the kids, so stop being such selfish bitches. Also, shut up! And, yawn. CHECK

- huh? You should shut up. CHECK

- why are women so stupid? Sometimes CHECK

- my myspace is better than your myspace is better than his myspace is the COOLEST MYSPACE EVER! (zzzzzzz) CHECK

- oh good. Another pic of your dog cat kid CHECK

- Life is so, sooooo hard, I know. Honey, the people of Darfur ain't got nothin' on you. Poor thing. CHECK

- it gets better, I swear. Or, easier, I guess. I promise. CHECK

- shut up, really CHECK

- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz CHECK

*All of this stolen directly from Sheri, with the exception of the confirmations. (sorry, s)

I've been a pretty crap wife/friend/daughter/student/blogger/person lately. I'm thinking of completely disappearing this weekend. Give everyone a break.

from my uncle..

I think sometimes people are afraid to talk about the dead because it seems disrespectful or they're afraid of how the person they're talking to will react. The other might just burst into tears. The thing is..that's ok. I especially like hearing people's stories about my dad. My uncle (Mom's brother) sent me this in an email yesterday:

I think about your dad also every day. I remember him in high school
coming over in the morning to pick up your mom to go to school. He had a green
car. I can't say as I ever knew what kind it was.Chrysler I think. He had
an eight track tape player bolted underneath the driver's seat. He didn't
want to get it stolen. Most mornings he had the same tape on. It was by, The
Guess Who, the name of the song was, these eyes. Also the name of the
album.

Sunday morning is golden.

I meant to get up at 7 am this morning but when the alarm went off I was dreaming of a roadtrip with my mom and dad. We were happpy and driving. I peed and turned off the alarm. Earlier in the morning, about 2:30, I woke up just crying and crying. More dreams of Dad. I dream of him every night. I stare at those pictures I took at his grave and cannot fathom that his body now lies under all that dirt. This is all surreal still.

In other (but related) news, I got my clinical assignment for school. People were griping about the method these groups were chosen in the past so it was decided they'd be chosen at random. I'll be working on the cancer floor. I am 90% way excited about this and 10% holy shit. I think it has the potential to be therapeutic. Even if it means bleeding out some of this sorrow. It's going to be great.

Right now I have a cup of tea in my new mug. It's white, pure white. I purchased it yesterday when spending time with Trisha. I like it. We did the traditional thing yesterday and ate at the Jerusalem Cafe. We ate and ate and ate and then walked out into the sunshine.

And, amidst this good news and happiness there has been craziness. My dad's wife is now 100% showing her true colors and it's ugly. She's the meanest person I've ever known in all my life. She stood on my front porch last week and filled me with lies. Her current goal: cash in completely and make my life hell. She plays nasty games I don't know how to play. Games I won't play.

School books are piled next to me. It's time to study for my fat pharmacology test I have tomorrow. I'm trying to view studying as an escape.

I think today my mom is bringing apples from the orchard.