The day wasn't entirely cold.

Started the day by watching the weather report at 0430 and hopin' for a super thick coating of ice and heaps of snow. I could always warm the house by burning the cardboard winter brew case, that old desk in the garage and all my old chemistry homework. Remember chemistry, back when I wasn't failing classes? Yeah, me too.

After the test I left school like most all of my classmates. They were headed for bloody mary's. Instead I went along with a friend to the DMV and then breakfast where we ate and had coffee. I just wasn't in the mood for a crowd. Our moods improved considerably after we consumed breakfast and purged some of our hatred for school right now. We went to target afterwards and swooned over the Tord Boontje stuff as so many others have done. I love his art. His Christmas things feel all wintry and magical to me. I was disappointed though because target has taken pretty much anything that they can -like their store brands and covered it with Boontje's art. I kept looking for a specific display of his things and would then realize oh, it's just some random crap smattered with his pictures on the packaging.
I love this light
these plates and these plates
these gorgeous curtains
this bird...
and did you see these great tumblers and vases made from old wine and beer bottles?

Tomorrow I'm putting up the christmas tree and lots of frosty lights and also my Tord Boontje window clings! Top that.

For my birthday:

Will someone please provide transport and tickets and accompany me to this event -- The Onion Cellar?

"rock and roll meets theatre, carnival, circus, and street performance with humor and humanity"

Oh my god this would be wonderful to see.

"The Dresden Dolls take the world stage, tear down the curtain, rip holes in the veneer and create their own rules, rhymes and reason."

crispy.

It's so crispy outside!

I've been refreshing my school online module all evening to share in all the built-up hopes that we won't have school tomorrow -- the day of our nasty test. I haven't even started studying for it yet. One more for the book of ways in which I rock. It's a thick book.

Rommate is nestled under a blanket napping. How seasonal of him!

Tell me why you don't like to read blogs and I'm going to write about it.

"Stop it.
I don't know. Why do you like to read blogs?

They're fine.

Because I'm not interested.

You find it interesting so you read it.

It doesn't interest me but I can see why you would like it but I just don't."

- roommate

And another thing...

I have diarrhea.

Did you know that chronic diarrhea can last for years?
DIARRHEA FOR YEARS!! Are you listening to me?!
Liquid shit - out of your ass - for YEARS.

YEARS!

I genuinely like talking about the weather, and not just in awkward situations where it's the only option.

70 degrees tomorrow

28 degrees thursday

Of turkey and spice and not much nice.

Last time I wrote here I was complaining about a test or something. I have the same complaints - different test, different day. However, as an update - I did manage to pass my last test with a solid grade. That's good news for the test that will follow it. The way school rolls these days - pretty much any day I'm in class (Mondays and Thursdays) I have tests. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are clinical days where I'm working on the cancer floor.

We had thanksgiving with roommate's parents and my mom before leaving on a 4 hr drive to my mom's family in KS. Mom was mad at me the entire time and I still haven't figured out why. She was either just on edge or kept seeing Dad's face in mine. I'm not sure but she was in difficult. I didn't see her pissed at anyone but me.

When we got back Friday evening there was a message on my machine from Best Friend. She had had her baby the day before while I was rollin' to Kansas and I'd missed it all! Apparently it was 3 hours from the time her water broke until Baby Boy J entered. After she arrived at the hospital they promptly had her strip and within 15 minutes he'd been born. Wow. I showered Friday night after getting the message then went to the hospital to stay with her. The new baby joins his 15 month old (!!) sister, Baby Z. He's very wee and soft. I held him one time and managed to not snap off a single limb.

This first set of holidays without my dad is Textbook Sad. I took his pictures with me to Thanksgiving Dinner.

Family dysfunction continues to thrive. Writing this made me sad. My grandpa's funeral was last Tuesday. It was less than fun. Afterwards I had mom drive us across the street to my dad's grave. She wasn't thrilled. His wife has piled all sorts of stupid, gaudy things at his grave. None of them are things that reflect anything about him. I genuinely feel like she only does that shit to try and prove her undying devotion (aka bloodlust for his money). I can't stop hating her. I've never in my life hated someone so much and can you believe she continues to call me and use her sweetest bitch voice to try and talk to me?

Today is study day. Break didn't feel like a break and now it's back to school tomorrow day. We all share in these complaints, right? I put off studying last night to watch 3 episodes of Carnivale. We don't have cable so I rented volumes 1 & 2. Now I look forward to a fat (not phat) pharmacology test in the morn. Here's hopin'.

Today I'd like some soup in a bread bowl. We have no Thanksgiving Leftovers at our house. Sad.

How was your Thanksgiving stuff?

My birthday is in 8 days.

tired.

Dear Motivation,

come back, motherfucker.

love, pom.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I've been reading since last I was here -- nothing related to class though.
I did do some laundry and made coffee too but only a wee tiny bit of studying.

Intravenous tissue plasminogen activator (TPA) is an approved therapy for acute ischaemic stroke in the United States. We aimed to noninvasively monitor the therapy to determine arterial recanalisation and persisting vascular abnormalities.

Just cannot GET INTO IT.

Ok, official attitude adjustment and I'm off to study for real. I'm going to bed by 2 am and getting up at 6:30 to continue the party.

Family Guy made me laugh tonight.

I'm your flannel blanket.

Roommate of the Year is sick. Yesterday he actually said the words "I'm sick" outloud, meaning he is indeed. He generally denies it with all he has in him so I knew he must've been feeling pretty bad. I went on an outing to the drug store where I purchased a copy of Rolling Stone, some cold eeeeze, liquid tylenol nighttime medicine, a steamy shower tablet of vapors, gatorade, a thermometer and a big jug of orange juice. It can't hurt, right? I then traveled to a restaurant not too far away and purchased a large container of hot chicken noodle soup. It came with 3 crusty pieces of warm baguette. Meow. At home I sat him down and talked about the items I'd purchased, insisted he drink lots of fluid, took his temperature and then ladled us out some bowls of soup. We slurped noodles and sopped up broth with the bread. Feeling better already!

I fell asleep on the couch later as I so often do. He woke me up to go to bed with him. We slept like warm babes. I slept hard and dreamt a lot. I dreamt we bought our neighbor's house. (It's for sale if you'd like to be our neighbor.. Won't you be?)

This morning we woke just in time for the clock to crawl into the afternoon. No regrets. I ate sauteed brussels sprouts - with a light sheen from the butter, a squeeze of lemon juice and just a sprinkle of crunchy sea salt. Yum. I studied awhile for my test tomorrow, watched some PBS, sent emails, studied awhile and then took a nap late in the afternoon. I slept for just over an hour and man did I sleep hard. Yeesh. When I woke up I took a long, hot bath and resumed the studying. Roommate woke up from his nap and we watched The Amazing Race. Now I'm screwing around when I should be studying more. I think I'll make coffee. I'm about ready for bed. I did poorly on my last exam in this class (Adult Health - med. surg.) so if I do bad on this one, I'm out of the program. Neat! Wow, definitely need to make that coffee. Studying feels like a forced chore. I've lost my motivation. I need time away from all of it. School, home, death, family -- a vacation from everything except my roommate.

My nose is snotty and my eyes are all burny. I could so just fall asleep again. At the end of a post about soup and sleep and sickness I bet you could too.

all i have is random blarghs to talk about.

I feel stupid talking about kids. I had best friend's baby, Z, Thursday and Friday and then nephew came here Friday evening and is here now. I want to type things he says but when other people do that I sort of zone out immediately unless it's phrased cool. Heh, so anyway - whatever, here are some gems from him. He's 4.
When driving by our neighbor's yearly, very extravagant Christmas display: "Holy shit! Holy shit!"
While wrestling around with roommate: "Hey, bootyass!"
When realizing he left his Snoopy from Wendy's at home and now had a "Charlie Orange" from Wendy's to accompany: "Well, SHIT. I forgot Snoopy. Shhiiittt."
I forgot the occasion when he said "Poopass." But really, did he need one?

These online predator commercials are just awful.

Test Monday over "Death" and cardiovascular surgeries. I've not studied officially yet. On Tuesday I begin my first day of mental health clinical rotation at Two Rivers. It's also the day of my grandpa's funeral. I'm gonna try to fit both in.
I can assure you that I am not one bit fun these days. Ever. I'm also the most boring babysitter ever. Nephew will be beggin' to go home by this afternoon.

Joanna Newsom will be in Lawrence Dec. 10. I'm so there. She'll be with Bill Callahan from Smog. I loved the Regina Spektor concert.

Newly discovered blog I love: Roots and Grubs

whew.

My grandpa (Dad's dad) died this afternoon.

I haven't seen him since he said he had a lot to tell me before he died.

Day 142,086,166,907

Bzzzrrtt!!

go go go go go.

Dear Roommate,

Gosh you are wonderful and I have loved being around you a lot lately - which isn't really out of the ordinary but I don't generally say it everyday.

love, pomwife.

On that random "38 the Spot" commercial, there's a girl I graduated from college with. She has short blonde hair and a weird smile and she's holding a ball.

Tomorrow I have another appointment with the counselor. Bah.
For the next two weeks I'll be off the cancer floor and working mental health at a different hospital. HOORAY! Also, there's huge feast in the middle of my non-cancer floor work time. HOORAY!!

Nephew is spending Friday night/Saturday with us. I wanna take him to do something fun. He's four now and more fun than ever. He talks so much and laughs and jokes and it's not constantly "No, don't throw/break/hit/touch/smash that." We don't see him constantly so I'm always amazed at all the new stuff he knows everytime we get to hang out. He likes to play the drums and pretend he's a cat.

My dad.

I've been thinking about him so much lately. Sometimes it seriously feels like he's just away and he's so close I can almost touch him and if I concentrate hard enough he'll be back. When we were in St. Louis I wandered off to this gift shop type place at the brewery and was happily perusing for a little thing for my dad. I picked up a couple things before realizing my perusing was pointless. I momentarily forgot - my dad's gone.

bit

I enjoy that Goldfrapp song - "Fly Me Away." Apparently it's playing in Target's holiday ads? I haven't seen them but I like the song, k?

oh and finally some gmail invites showed up in my box -- I have 50, want one? No big demand really 'cause one can simply sign up with their cell phone (as I did).

Bristly.

I'm a grump this weekend. Yesterday was quite productive with lots of cleaning taking place. After getting everything torn apart and a heap of things thrown away I was ready to be done. The end was rushed and I started cramming some things in drawers.

I'm playing the role of third wheel this weekend with roommate and his brother, his identical twin brother. I'm in our room doing homework err -- and this. I like being alone sometimes but I also like being around people a lot. I have this bad habit these days of starting to dread my upcoming clinicals the next week about Thursday the week before. So then I spend 4 days sporadically daydreaming about how much I generally hate clinicals. It's just so goddamn depressing on the cancer floor. I'm selfish that way, right?

I talk about the same things over and over. I have PBS on and they're doing the fundraising Auction bit. At the moment they're auctioning off boxes of Cheez-Its. I love how uncomfortable it makes me feel to listen to these people read off the descriptions of the items being auctioned off. They read at about a 5th grade level and stumble and bumble on every third word. The bid is currently $16.00 on the Cheez-Its, folks. Better call now, the bidding on Board B will end in 3 minutes!

half

From our October trip to St. Louis.

A.M.

0630 blog about nothing

0700 watch news story on treating infants for depression and read blogs

0800 d calls to see if i'm awake and studying as she has just risen and started coffee

0804 hang up, make my own pot of coffee - The Roasterie "American Restaurant" so good

0808 eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios and start some music

0812 finish cereal, begin hardcore studying taking 80 question psychotropic med test

0904 officially decide to skip my 0900 am class to study for afternoon test, cd spins to a stop

0906 blog about it

Sometimes I so wish that my roommate had a blog for both my benefit and yours. He says smart things and he's so concise! He's a nice offset to my babbling nonsense. He was subjected to an intense day surrounded by sore losers at work and came home with something to say about it. (Go Light Rail!) That's what made me start wishing again that he had a blog. You'd like him.

******************************************************

I've been posting some random things here in an attempt to cover up the splotches but there are still bits of cake crumbs stuck in the frosting. Here's a small update on Stuff.

My best friend will soon be having her second baby. We're 15 days apart with me being the older of the two and it blows my mind to see her with kid/s.

School is...

Last Friday I went to see a counselor. I had never embarked on such before. I was urged by a couple of different teachers to go and I did. So, eh. I think it went well and I'm returning to see him again tomorrow. I was annoyed this week to receive anonymous mail filled with informative handouts about grieving. Wow, it was so helpful! Give me a fucking break. I was pissed that the person sending this felt I needed some "help" but wasn't willing to identify herself? Ugh.

On Tuesday after clinicals I left one hospital and went to another where my dad's dad is dying. He's got the cancer and is not expected to live long. My grandma has set up hospice. He's got pneumonia. While I was there he told me to come back soon because he's got a lot to tell me and not much time to do it.. He has big, black, inky tattoos that I love. One's a sparrow on the inside of his wrist, another is his U.S.M.C. bull dog with his name splayed across the top. I feel kind of jinxed or something.

Going to see Regina Spektor on Monday is something I'm soo looking forward. It makes me feel kind of normal to go do something fun and err, out in public.

Right now, over the past month or two, I'm in the sort of mood where I really just hate this blog. It's whiney and a bit pathetic. When I start to write something here it's just word-vomit. There's never a lot of coherence and never much of interest. I guess over the past year it's just become a sorrowful place. It's where I've come to dump out some heartache. I don't know what to do with it. Changing its simple look to a new shade hasn't changed its contents.

heavy crush.

I cannot adequately convey to you my err, "appreciation" for this picture of tom waits by anton corbijn. swoon! definitely click it to see larger.. roommate (and I!) acquired his Black Rider CD, the music to a play over the weekend and I love it.
"November has tied me/To an old dead tree/Get word to April/To rescue me"
I love Tom. Great, very informative site/fan blog here.. I can't wait for his "Orphans" CD that comes out the 21st containing Brawlers, Bawlers and Bastards. There's a great article about the CD and its creation at ANTI-Album.

In it is this beauty:

When I was small I always thought that songwriters sat alone at upright pianos in cramped smoky little rooms with a bottle and an ashtray and everything came in the window blew through them and came out of the piano as a song…and in a weird way that is exactly what happens.

Photo by Anton Corbijn

Oh, Regina!

Going to see Regina Spektor next Monday at the Madrid. yay!!

Progression.

Aw. Much easier to see the intended with these side by side.
The white van serves as a nice landmark to get your bearings.

g'morning, new curtains.

 

Intricate paper-cut designs?

A set of curtains may do wonders for livening up a space that has grown stale.

I thought the fresh ground coffee might do it. It didn't.

I thought the fresh-baked cinnamon rolls might do it. They didn't.

Now, I may have to begin alone...wake up, panda bear.

What dreams are made of..

I have noticed that as of late, my dreams have a big effect on the way I feel the next day. Since my dad died I've had mostly dreams about him, as I've mentioned before. Some dreams that make me feel the worst are the ones in which his former wife is being awful to me and he doesn't stick up for me. He supports her. I've found myself planted in a helpless role in the dreams that leave me hungover the next day.
Last night was different. I don't remember the details of my dream but it was a happy one. People were excited to be around me and I them. I woke up thinking today would be a good one and I'm happy to report that it was. I ate my lunch in the cafeteria with two friends today. While working on the second half of my sandwich one of them pointed at me and said - informing me - "You're happy today." She seemed surprised and so did I.