I love larb.

Seriously, larb at the thai place. It's so good but then when I'm eating it and it's kind of too hot and I start obsessively thinking about fish sauce and how they might make fish sauce and then I enjoy my larb less. The fish sauce is a totally necessary ingredient but I just get eebie jeebied by it.

I've been watching "The L Word" online all evening. (Thanks, Staci. Geez. I didn't wanna start liking a TV show as somehow I pretty much completely gave up on Grey's Anatomy without even trying. But, I think partly I was sick of the over-the-top romances constantly breathing their schmaltzy breath in my face and also I kept inadvertently missing episodes like, all the time.) Right, so I have been watching episodes of "The L Word" online. Jesus, the future is now! (At least that's what my roommate says.)

So anyway, I ate this plate of salad and then a bowl of cucumbers hacked up with grape tomatoes and realized today that I weigh (possibly) 15 pounds less than I did when I went to the dr. in August. The scale might vary a little but at least maybe there's a 10 pound difference? But I love eating salad off of a plate all spread out langorously instead of crammed into a crowded bowl. Also yesterday I upped my previous day's distance and walked 3.5 miles. However, today I hung out inside, using the rain as my excuse. Walking feels so awesome. It totally gets me all in touch with my music (gag) and makes me feel like I could kick some ass. SERIOUSLY. I'm listening to the music and uppin' the pace and thinkin' oh yeah, this is a great song and I haven't heard it in a long time or I'm realizing I've never listened to it in its entirety or whatever.

We watched Jackass 2 finally yesterday and also Lady in the Water. Um, don't ask me about the latter. I'm still deciding whether I hated the shit out of it or thought something different. Jackass 2 was funny obviously. (See? Late on the draw. Always.)

If you and I are spending New Year's together don't look at this last part because these are the things I'm bringing to the party tomorrow. First I'm bringing this amazing looking banana cake. I didn't know banana cake could look so good, did you? Taking banana something or other is risky because lots of people could totally be like, oh gross I hate banana bread and similar crap or it could be the exact opposite and since people don't always bring a banana thing then people will say, OH, I'm so glad you brought this I love banana stuff, MMMMMmmm!!! Also, I'm bringing these chocolate, ricotta, bourbon and orange zest cupcakes. Finally, these darling little tartlets with an extra batch with varied toppings for the picky ones. You might wanna consider spending New Year's with me, eh?

Hope you plan to do something you love to bring in the New Year.

magic.

These photos from Chloe have to spark something inside you.

Big ol' post.

I predict this post'll be a big one.
I've been doing my best to avoid (predictable) sad or sappy stuff and have instead been throwing out Reese's pieces.

This year I was bubbling over with excitement related to Christmas and family things. As opposed to last year when we purchased nothing for anyone, including one another, this year we delved into that cliched pot of consumerism I keep reading blog posts about and got some gifts. I opted for mostly practical/boring when it came to my roommate, including a new bookshelf which he can fill with stacks of CD's without a home. He must have at least 800 by now. I'm not sure. I think next year we might just exchange stockings as I really miss rifling through one each year and I love filling one with bits. (As done here and seen here by Maggie Mason of Mighty Girl.) The family stuff was mostly great but I was admittedly ready to be alone by the night of the 26th.

I also missed my dad immensely. Driving home from my mom's on Christmas Eve I was struck with sadness and cried and cried about him. In our living room there is a single shelf that I have filled with pictures of him, his last pack of cigarettes - half-empty along with his lighter, an acorn I found near his grave and his tube of tea tree oil chapstick - the same kind he always used. I took the chapstick a day or two before he died. I was desperate to have something of his to hold onto. My mom avoids the shelf completely and others seem a bit weirded out by it. It doesn't look like a creepy shrine but I guess it might make some feel uncomfortable. I still have his voice on my answering machine. Sometimes I'll play it by accident and sometimes I walk by and push the button just to hear it. It either makes me smile or reduces me to a small puddle. I miss him so, so much. He always got really excited about Christmas. Days before he'd be telling me to open just one gift and when I'd insist we wait he'd laugh and tell me to go ahead and just open it. He could always, always shake his gifts and say exactly what it was. It would make me furious! One of my favorite pictures of us shows me on Christmas morning, sleepy-eyed and wearing my favorite pajamas (they had a cape!) sitting on the floor with him lounging on his side next to me. I look filled with disbelief at the great big pink My Little Pony castle spreading out before me. He had assembled it all for me and even put every little sticker in its place. Fifty is too young to die.

On Christmas night this year, I invited all of my roommate's brothers and sister and her husband and the nephew and Roomate's mom back to our house. Everyone drank and told stories. I loved it! It was the perfect sort of bonding. It was the stuff my utopian family dreams are made of.

Tonight I exercised. I EXERCISED! I walked almost three miles and it felt so good. I know three miles isn't much but it's three miles more than I generally walk in the evenings. Unseasonably warm night air and my new music companion were icing on the cake. Mm. Cake.
I'm hoping I can keep my ass moving -- and not as some sort of New Year's Resolution. I'm not making any of those. (Just now I asked my roommate what he was doing 'cause I can't see his face but I can see that he's wearing the Santa hat he received gifts from his sister in and he replied instantly, "Being Jolly.")

I'd like to hang out with people. A lot of people I go to school with have totally put their lives on hold and I just refuse to do it. However, I do spend a lot of time (err, WASTE a lot of time...) bitching about school and being tired. Life goes on during school. With a little bit better time management (lather/rinse/repeat), I could both keep up at school and live a little. Why the hell do I magically forget how much better it makes me feel to drink a shit-ton of water and move my body a little. Um, duh. Large chunks of time spent sitting on the couch feeling tired/unmotivated/sorry for myself just don't do a lot for me (or anyone else near me -- Hi, Roommate!!) So yeah, my point was, I miss you. I wanna go to the movies and have dinner and do stuff with you. Oh, hey, today I had to show my ID at Best Buy to purchase a 17+ mature game. Cool, right? After she checked it she looked at my face and said, "Hey, you should feel good, you look so young!" Then we made out.

Anyway, I'm nervous about the start of my next trimester (OF SCHOOL) but one down, two to go! Eight months left. Sounds like a lot but of course I know it's not and in hindsight will have flown by and hopefully I can find a job I love. I've been encouraging the roommate to consider quitting his job/taking a long break/going back to school/finding out what he loves once I have a stable job. That's weird, me? stable job? I know, I'm laughing too.

Hope your holiday stuff was fun and jolly and sprinkled with just enough dysfunction to make it interesting. (Mine was!) I'm still not 100% sure about New Year's plans. I'd sort of just like to disappear somewhere.
Thanks for reading.

Test:

Does this work?

Music from The Greenhornes (Broken Flowers Soundtrack)

dumb cat thing.

He lives!
I'm not sure how I made all that noise. Sensitive bugger.

Do you like his eye crust?

christmas day - driving S. on Burlington

pink.

inspired.

I read this post a few days ago. I'm so enjoying the drift on a very regular basis.

seriously. inspired.

shit.

America On the Move

doing this.
trying, trying.

Dessert.

Just what I needed to top off my holiday gluttony - a documentary on obesity and the "fattening of America."

New Year's Eve?

What're you doing on New Year's Eve?
Make plans.
Invite me.

love, pom.

we like to watch carnivale on dvd.

please buy us the second season because we just watched the last episode of season 1 and how will we wait to watch the rest? instant gratification is evil. we're so behind on stuff. the stuff you people are doing. i don't know what it is.

all i want for christmas is you.

and a dog.

Roommate Brilliance:

While watching The Sound of Music: "You see, she dumped me and now I'm lookin' for a quick poke."

UPS

Today is perfect. I slept in, woke up and ate a bowl of cereal in bed. I've been just hanging around here planning for tomorrow's party here. I ordered some Christmas things online from several different places and all but one package has already arrived, less than a week after I ordered them. When the UPS guy was walking down the sidewalk to his truck I could hear Christmas music blaring out of it. It made me smile!

Now I'm about to open a package from lush. Mmm!!!

Flu you.

Yesterday morning I went to school to study for finals and three hours later I was sitting at the table highlighting things and looking smart when I realized I had to vomit immediately so I vomited at school like three or four times and then decided I had to drive home because I couldn't stop puking and then on the way home I was trying to pull off the highway so I could hop out real fast like and puke in the grass but people were dicks and wouldn't let me over and were all like mad at me for putting on my turn signal so I finally jerked to a stop in some shitty apartment complex's parking lot and puked all over myself and my little car and then I climbed out to puke some more in the grass and then I cried and called my house but my roommate was gone and so I drove home praying I could hold it in and about 13 pukes later my roommate took me to the ER where I was dehydrated as hell and running a big, fat fever and also they gave me some IV anti-nausea medicine that was magical and I hate it when people tell you every intimate detail of their illness because it's like looking at someone else's vacation pictures and it all looks and sounds vaguely familiar but you just don't give a shit and now I feel like shit in my head and in my body 'cause I'm sick and I've wasted a bunch of study time being sick and I still feel like shit but need to study because I have a bigass final tomorrow and another Tuesday and FUCK I feel like shit but my roommate is amazing because he washed all my vomited-on clothes 'cause I managed to get it on my t-shirt, jacket and jeans all and he cleaned all the vomit out of my car and sat in the ER with me for four hours.

All twinkly.

Two papers to write - two more finals to take. The time draws nearer. I had my last days of clinical on the cancer floor this week and two finals. My patient this week was really great and being around him made me feel sad to be leaving that floor.

Last night I finally put up the Christmas TREE! It exudes happiness. Its twinkling powers draw me in and make me feel festive. My roommate and I tried listening to Christmas music to get us in the decorating mood but that was quickly changed over to an old Nirvana CD. The sappy puking commercials about Christmas and love and children and Santa on there were worse than the music.

I finished off the festive night with about four hours of shopping. Four hours of shopping in a row is way too much for me but is way more tolerable when I'm doing it in the most comfortable modal pants in the world propped up on pillows and covered by quilts in bed. Most sites I was on are still taking orders and saying they'll be there by Christmas so, cool.

Don't forget the 22nd!

mock Yeah ing Yeah

finals stink!

incessant.

I just realized that I am sort of a little bit finally starting to dig into things I love in a more-than-half sort of way. I write little notes to myself as school dehydrates my brain juice and leaves the gray all chewy and I forget nearly everything. I'm standing in front of a huge display of huge boxes of q-tips and thinking why in the hell did I come over here? What did I need over here in the q-tip section?

I think that part of this digging started when I found others asking me about what I like and wanting information on music. I'm usually roaming around peeking at what other people like and tasting it to see if I do too. This was reverse reverse.

I am crazy but I think, no, I KNOW fresh fruits and vegetables and tons of water will do serious, tangible results in making you feel/think/look better. My body feels so much better than it did one week ago.

From Amanda Palmer
from someone else:

"I went to the woods because i wanted to live deliberately.
i wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...
to put to rout all that was not life;
and not, when i came to die, discover that i had not lived."

More notes from the asylum:

Remember, setting the alarm for 0200 may be a bit ambitious and when doing it you should just realize that you'll more than likely reset the alarm and then push the snooze button for an hour or two or three before finally getting up.

Two hours until my final means another hour and a half of study time, that half salvaged from the time required for a shower. With the exception of today this week is supposed to be sunny and in the 50's! Sounds great to me.

also

pearl jam -- crazy mary. i love that song.

She lived on the curve in the road
In an old tar paper
shack.
On the south side of the town
On the wrong side
of the tracks.
Sometimes on the way into town
We'd say, "Mama can we stop and give her a ride?"
Sometimes we did
But her hands flew from her side.
Wild eyed
Crazy Mary.

Note to Self:

Get some Beirut! extra soon.

great weekend - very busy

so many fresh fruits and vegetables and glasses of water.

fresh air galore.

love love.

listening to KEXP online. great station out of seattle.

also, tonight is the season finale of the amazing race.
tomorrow am -- pharmacology final, ew.

i have nice looking eyebrows.

i love to hear jeff buckley sing "Hallelujah" It makes me feel sad and also hopeful and glad.

I have a good life.

I'm adrift in a total chaos of emotion which feels kind of peaceful tonight. Hardcore reminiscing about my dad all the time lately. Tonight that was set in motion at the sight of baby wipes. I've been experiencing a very unhealthy level of coveting lately. "Wow, they have an amazing life/home/education/job/taste in music/hair/ability to cook." -- "I want that!" While here I am, with this great roommate that possesses amazing taste in music. We have a warm house and even the ability to pay our heating bill. We have a bed and blankets and books, a comfortable couch, a washer and dryer, twinkly lights, food and the list goes on right? When will I finally get grateful?

I'm watching the tribute to James Taylor on PBS. Not surprisingly, I'm a fan of James Taylor. Roommate is in there listening to music and drawing. He does that. I wish he'd show you. He's listening to that Tom Waits - "Black Rider" CD and it's so good. There are so many different sounds on there. I sort of wallow in the music where I hear it. Also, I heard "Negative Creep" from Nirvana and also "Chloe Dancer - Crown of Thorns" by Mother Love Bone today. Two songs I love and hadn't heard in awhile.

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

"Millwork it ain't easy, millwork it ain't hard, millwork it ain't nothing but an awful boring job."
There's somethin' about songs of sailors and whiskey and hard work.

More Birthday Blogging.

I've been so in your face with this "It's my birthday" stuff, haven't I? Sorry.
Thanks for such nice birthday wishes.

Today at clinicals on the oncology floor I received a card from the staff and a huge muffin studded with chocolate and one blue candle. Two of my clinical group comrades brought sweet things. One, an amazing friend from Uzbekistan, brought a dessert made with sweet meringue, fresh raspberries & blueberries and fresh whipped cream. Another had baked sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies. I'm a bit surprised at some of the genuine friendships that have been forged in this setting.

I have felt loved all day. My roommate sang to me just after midnight last night. When I came home today I found a note on the kitchen table slipped under one of these. Thank you so much.

I was born

at 1221 on December 5th, 1979. I weighed 4 lbs 13 oz. My dad named me.

Right at lunchtime and MY, how things have changed..


FUNNY -- deforestation

I think I have the same birthday as Walt Disney but who cares, right?

I'm doing homework. Proud? No seriously, I am.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I'll be rockin' out on the ol' cancer floor all day.
Tonight I made this for dinner. It was good and we had salad with it.
I would like a food processor.

My future's so bright I gotta...well, you know the rest.

I'm coming to you from the breakfast table - live across from my cereal bowl.
I decided to brush up on my health this week as my stomach has been having this general feeling of malaise and disgustingness and I attribute it to early holiday "goodness" and overindulgence. It's even been keeping me up at night. Ick. This week I plan to implement normal, everyday healthy ideas in order to get around to feeling better.

To attest to my plan, here's a little bit about my breakfast cereal (from the back of the box): "Look forward to morning again. Bring back the peaceful sigh of being in tune with yourself... Through ___ we have captured that satisfying essence and inner balance with a blend of organic whole grains (calm down, it was on sale), gently sweetened, combined with the subtle warmth of ginger, the tang of dried cranberries and the crunch of blended grains and soy.

____ is a high fiber cereal with organic whole grains including brown rice. It also contains a unique non-soluble fiber called inulin, a natural prebiotic fiber found in chicory root. Prebiotics are dietary fibers that are a food source for beneficial bacteria in the intestinal tract. That's a good thing!" It goes on about Asian cultures and phytochemicals.

This cereal, it's magic. A cereal with over 15 types of grain/grain products has gotta do something for my stomach. Let's hope it doesn't do its thing at 9 am in the middle of Pharm.

My plan also includes many, many glasses of water, yogurt, lots of raw fruits & vegetables and walking every night. These are things that are no-brainers but they've escaped me lately. So, here's to insoluble fiber and wheat bran because - I'm not getting any younger, you know!