In which I talk too much.

Nursing isn't fun to read about. I honestly don't like hearing nursing stories that much. I don't like talking about nursing that much. I don't like saying outloud much to myself or others, "I'm goin' to nursin' school!! Imma be a NURSE!" It makes me feel soft and annoying. I'm not that soft. I'm not that nurturing or giving or altruistic as I said before. I'm kinda selfish. (count the "I's" contained here) I'm also not at the cold, hard opposing end of the spectrum. [ROYGBV] That's makes me like, yellowish green?

This whole part about me not wanting to work with kids isn't because my heart breaks too much seeing bald kids dying of cancer. Don't get me wrong, that's fucking shittastic and we all know I'm not Cancer's biggest fan but that's not why I hate it. I really just do not mesh well with children or children with their parents. It's strange to me then when people observe and say they could really see me working with kids. What? Are you kidding? I'm completely out of my element (P.S. anyone seen my element anywhere?). I feel awkward and bumbly. To be honest, my favorite patients are gruff adult men. We get along well and they feel comfortable cursing around me. My last patient on the cancer floor referred to me as his apprentice for two days. Our "relationship" just worked. Maybe I am used to people like my dad?

Kids and I have always pretended we could be friends.

I've always done all sorts of jobs working with kids and I wanted that to be good, ya'know? People admire those that work with kids. I can't tell you how many times while being at Children's Mercy people first ask if [we] want to work in peds and then they gush over what a "special person with a special heart" it takes to work with kids. I guess I wanted to have a special heart. I don't. I always worked at Vacation Bible School, I worked summers in Christian camps for kids, hell I spent a summer in Alaska working every day with KIDS. (blah blah blah, go me) My first "real" job (err, only "real job??") out of college was working with kids that were locked up and then I worked for three whole days in a home for sexually abused children. "Oh wow, " people would say, "that's so tough. That's so neat you work there!" It fucking sucked! So I clash with kids. I clash -- with kids. My nephew, I'm crazy about. Best friend's kids, I love. I love them in my heart. I've come to know them. We've come to know each other. I guess I'm rather awkward and bumbly with most anyone I don't know. It's ridiculous that I felt the need to "justify" not wanting to work with kids but really I wanted to talk myself through it and understand what it is I hate about it. I sound totally like one of those people I can't stand listening to, the kind of person that acts all unaffected. "Sure, I could slice a kid open, no big deal -- it doesn't bother me one bit!" Somewhere there in the middle is where I am. Not too soft, not too hard. I'm not tough, I'm not very sweet.

And here's what I hate about hearing nursing stories. (Please tell us!) Nurses tend to tell stories about somewhat gruesome things sometimes and mostly for shock value. They will claim otherwise but that's what it's for. Going in as a new person that knows nothing will suck because nurses (you know, those altruistic bitches) ((sorry, heather -- not you!!)) are sometimes rather high and mighty. If I saw something horrible my first day and told another less-green nurse about it, she'd come back with something to the effect of, "Oh that's nothing, I've seen a bazillion times worse." Of course you have. The same thing happens with new moms. They're deep in the trenches battling out sleepless nights and experienced moms can sit back and snicker and say "Oh just you wait! You think this is bad.." Err, it is bad. It was bad for you too. Perhaps once a person has reached that point they feel they've earned it? But who doesn't like a little sympathy now and then?

So essentially, sometimes I think nursing is lame. (a lot of the time, ok)
I'm bad at describing myself and also why bother?
It was probably super lame reading this if you read it but consider it for my own record.
I just read this whole thing outloud to my roommate and the lame level shot through the roof.
How does a person come off as humble but not self-loathing?
How does a person present him/herself as confident but not egotistical?
Fine lines.
Sometimes stream of consciousness is a bad idea.