I'm looking but can't find..

To you: It's time to come home.

"Giovannina"

I bought this print from Camilla Engman a bit ago. It will be arriving soon, I think. Pretty fantastic. I would've loved to have a copy of "My Friends" before it sold out. Her work goes quickly. Here's her shop.

Ghost.

Ghost is on TV right now and I'm half watching it. The parts where Carl and that other guy die and see Sam and then the black evil ghosts come to get them gnashing and growling and generally looking exceptionally fake -- atrocious! The whole movie really = awful! Gah!

New Question

New question up over at pleasantly acidic.

I'd love to hear your recommendations.

Discussing nausea ad nauseum.

I cannot stand being nauseous. I find it completely intolerable. I've thrown up twice in the last hour which is no big deal but I am ready for it to stop. I'd love a remedy. Not sure yet whether it's true illness or just something random. Intolerable. Sucks.

Update * It's been 26 minutes since my last vomit session and I think it's time for another.

I have this tiny pot of clover I planted on March 16.
A friend gave it to me in honor of March 17.
I love the way the tiny sprouts start to lean towards the window and I use my fingertips to faux rain on them and then I turn the tiny pot and later catch them straightening up before leaning into the window again.

Vacation for Beginners:

Ok so I made a lot of mistakes in [not] planning this vacation. The past couple of weeks have been a flurry of activity to get done all sorts of school-related things before the first half of this term ended. The second half that begins when I return Monday is different. I'll be working at a hospital I really like on the telemetry floor. It was deadline city. I'm blaming that for the fact that I barely planned for this vacation. I felt guilty making plans when I should instead be doing homework and thus we floundered. I had a couple little breakdowns that ended in tears and usually me curled up sleeping on our hotel bed. It was like I froze. I kind of want to go into that more but also think maybe it's not necessary or who wants to read that? Maybe you could relate though. Let's see what happens.

The first day we got into Portland I was excited and ready. It didn't take long and I was frustrated. My patience level is non-existent and that is guilt-inducing. I shouldn't act that way but I do. I end up taking it all out on my travel companion and roommate. I'm flustered and bitchy and mean. I hate to admit this but I planned a lot of our "vacation" around things I've read about on other people's blogs. I had made notes of restaurants and things to see and ways to navigate. It sounded hip and cool and it's time to realize I am neither. On this, the last full day of our vacation it is now that I'm realizing that I didn't arrange a vacation that really suited either of us very well. "Public transportation is awesome! Let's use that!" Enter huge amounts of stress and bickering on my part and helpless looks from my roommate, unsure what to do with me or our situation at hand. I've never tried navigating the streets of Kansas City this way.
Also, I spent huge amounts of time keeping a mental tab of the number of things we'd done. Is it enough? Is this right? Is this how you're "supposed" to spend vacation? Are we complete losers for spending half the day hangin' in our hotel room with the balcony door open and the TV on? Obviously to me, if someone else were having those thoughts I'd assure them that anything enjoyable was ok! Anything that felt fun and relaxing was just right for vacation but I was completely unable to be settled with those thoughts in my head.

My favorite day in Oregon was our day at the coast. Roommate had never seen the ocean and I swear to god he sparkled there. He smiled and suggested we take our shoes off and my insides nearly burst. I loved that. It was just the perfect kind of beach with silvery sands and cool, glittery water. We ate dinner in this log cabin place, Morris' Fireside Restaurant. There were amazing crab cakes and we sat next to the fireplace. It was warm.

The day we flew into San Francisco was the day I cried. Everything went smoothly except I had no idea where exactly our hotel was located or what their phone number was. Gee, maybe that's pertinent information to have? I called our hotel and they had no reservation for us. It didn't help that Bergen, the reservation man, was super snotty to me while I sat huddled over our luggage in a corner of the airport trying to get my bearings. I sat blinking and bewildered after getting off the phone with him and then decided to call back. "Hi, I just called. Please check again for my reservation." Bergen: Oh, yes, it's right here. ROAR! Instead of struggling with the subway we shelled out $35.00 for a cab that went smoothly straight to our hotel. Worth it. Our hotel room here is small and cozy (depending on one's perspective). We were starving and grumpy when we got here and I actually suggested we just change our tickets and go home. (I know, right?) It's embarassing for me to admit how awful I can be. It's nearly impossible for me to just chill and roll with it. I whine and cry and sometimes I throw things. After stalking Lane in gmail she told me a nearby place to eat. Once our bellies were full we smiled more and walked the streets awhile. We're staying in Union Square amidst all sorts of shopping, expensive stores I've never seen in my life.
The next day found us on the streets again. We had a great late breakfast/early lunch at Specialty's, watched pigeons, people on the streets. A group of guys was sitting on the sidewalk lunching and sharing a joint and I wished I could partake and just chill the fuck out. Instead we walked in the lovely sunshine and I yet again freaked out. I stood on the corner of Market and Montgomery and talked about what a stupid idea it was to come here. See? Wow. You'd never believe how insanely patient my roommate is with me. While I'm being a monster he's quiet and pretty much waits for the storm to pass. It makes me a little sad to reflect on how I am sometimes. I marched us back to our hotel room then and silently crawled on our hotel bed and went to sleep. When I woke up I talked to Lane again (in New Zealand now but was living in SF). She talked me through step-by-step how to use the subway and addresses of places to go. We easily used BART and made our way to the Mission. We walked the streets, eyes wide. We made our way to Dolores Park and it was the perfect day for it. It was lovely. Dinner in a tacqueria (La Corneta) and then back on BART to the Metreon where we saw a movie. I questioned at the theater, "Is it stupid to see a movie on vacation? We could do this at home." My roommate assured me that it was ok because we're on vacation and we can do things that are relaxing and fun. We saw 300.
Today we got up and went to the SFMOMA. We got to see some of Picasso's work. That was pretty exciting. After that we walked around quite a bit then ate lunch before going through Chinatown up to the super touristy piers at Fisherman's Wharf. It was absurd. We went out on the Lovely Martha under the Golden Gate Bridge and around Alcatraz not long before sunset.
Some more strolling the streets, thai food from the place next door eaten on our hotel bed and now adult swim and whiskey.

Perhaps part of my struggle with vacation is having this unsure idea about it. When I was young our vacations were always camping. That's what we did nearly every summer is go camping and fishing. We didn't go places and then shop or hit up a bunch of touristy places. We'd drive around in the mountains, cook dinner on the fire and once we went to Silver Dollar City. I've gotta get over this strange idea I have in my head that runs something like "Vacation looks like This." Also, better planning.

Roommate: I'm sorry.

Pictures here once we're home.

(written 3/15 but blogger was pooptastic)

I'm a little bit embarassed about how bad we are at Vacation.

pom in portland.

I wasn't going to write and update about what's goin' on because I felt lame for not just being Away from this but I've overcome that and am going to write here now. Here are just some snippets because I can't make it all coherent and story-like right now.

Airport - I go to the bathroom that has two entrances. I exit and there's Roommate, having just exited from entrance #2 to the women's restroom.
Landing in Portland we seemed to be descending pretty fast. My ears couldn't handle this and I was about 99% positive my eardrums would rupture and blood would trickle out of my ears. I cried. I rocked back and forth and cried like a small child. I couldn't help it.
First day here we basically wandered around and tested our wings on public transportation. Now, after day 2, I can confirm we are officially bad at public transportation. There's been a lot of going the wrong way, staring at the trimet maps in the rain, stopping 25 blocks away from our intended destination, and blinking in general unknowing stares.
Last time we took a little trip I felt like I needed to jam pack it with crap, like one of those school trips where you just go to a different place like every hour of the day and then I realized it didn't really have to be that way. We should just do whatever feels fun. So yesterday after public transportation adventures we came back to our hotel. Our hotel room has a little living room area with a couch and chair and TV. We have a huge comfy bed with another TV over there. The bathroom is nice and has pink walls - blast pink, if that's a color. There is a full size kitchen with a normal sized refrigerator, a full-size stove, dishwasher, sink, all sorts of crap and a bar to sit at. In the corner is a desk/chair and we've got wireless access. It even has a balcony so we can go out there and open the door for fresh air. Awesome! Most hotels I've ever been in you can't even open the windows. Anyway, we came back to our room that we like. We took hot showers to warm up, drank tea, took naps, watched TV and then decided we were hungry. We went to Fred Meyer for Boar's Head meat and cheese for sandwiches. Yummm.
Today we went to Powell's City of Books and then the music store down the street; the big music store down the street. We both got some CD's we couldn't find anywhere else. The day was completed by a lot more messy public transportation, like hours' worth. We ended at our destination, Pok Pok, for great thai food. On the way home we had fun people on the bus with us and we giggled after we got off.
It has been cool and rainy the entire time.
Also I'm sick but that's ok.
Now we're here on the couch and I'm going to read a book I bought today.
Tomorrow is.. not sure yet. Monday a drive out to the coast.
And also, I've made a big official discovery -- my outside does not match my inside.
Wow, it's big to me. More on that when I know more..

Happy Birthday, Staci.
3/11

Well look, it's MARCH now!

Wireless is blissful. Oh how I've missed you! I want to tote you everywhere I go and open up the laptop just to wallow in that it works! Out to the furthest corner of the detached garage? Back porch? Front porch? Atop the toilet? Kitchen? Basement secret closet? Yes yes yes!

As you might've guessed, I'm completely buzzing with excitement about Friday, so early Friday that it could almost be considered Thursday night! I've been keeping track of suggestions given to me by locals and admittedly, a lot of those are centered around eating food and drinking beer.

Surprisingly, I accomplished a lot yesterday. It didn't seem like it as I was trudging through but before bed I was able to cross off 9 big things from my to-do list. It still contains quite a few that are all about school but.. PROGRESS! Tomorrow afternoon I'll be feelin' better about it all. Tomorrow is deadline.

I've emailed Potential Landlords on three separate occasions and have looked like a total fool and also we spoke on the phone once. They'll know I'm crazy.

I'm listening to Regina Spektor sing "Chemo Limo." It's a good one.


No thank you no thank you no thank you no thank you
I don't have to pay for this shit
I couldn't afford chemo like I couldn't afford a limo
and on any given day I'd rather ride a limousine

No thank you no thank you no thank you no thank you
I ain't about to die like this
I couldn't afford chemo like I couldn't afford a limo
And besides this shit is making me tired
it's making me tired
it'smaking me die
You know I plan to retire some day,
and I'm-a gonna go out in style
go out in style
This shit it's making me tired
it's making me tired
it's making me tired
I'm-a gonna go out in style go out in style

Style

On Dell:

If it involves the words "contacting" or "customer" or "service" I want nothing to do with it. Roommate, can you please handle all contacting and inquiries and support calls from now on? I love how a LOT of customer service people that help with computer shit pretty much start out the conversation assuming you have no idea how to turn on your computer, let alone ask a coherent question.

I've spent over an hour talking to Dell people about getting an express wireless card for my laptop. Ok so there's a slot right there, an empty one, waiting for a card to be shoved into it. "I'm sorry, we don't sell express wireless cards for your computer." But that's what this slot is for, right? Yes. And I'd only be able to acquire this specially, magically shaped card from Dell, right? Yes. But you don't sell if for my computer? No. Awesome. So whatever, I then ordered an internal card and nowhere on the specs did it say it was compatible with my computer but after asking numerous times he assured me it is indeed compatible. We'll see how that turns out. I'm super annoyed now. I could've spent that time better if I'd been clipping my toenails or staring at the carpet.

Ok now I'm mad because their website said the card ships in 24 hours and I paid extra to have it overnighted and the estimated date of delivery is MARCH FUCKING 12?! Err, that's 6 days from now. The whole point in paying extra was to try and have it by Friday. Fuckers.


*** Ok, Dell. All is forgiven. The internal wireless card arrived today and I installed it simply. Works like a charm.. ***
WIRELESS. HURRAH. and no horrible d-link USB penis sticking out the side.

ashes

This afternoon I took a picture of my dad's "wife" from their wedding day out back. I burned it. I will never again allow her to hurt me or any person I love. Ever.

Taste Test for your eyes and ears.

Several great choices with videos to accompany. I liked 'em all!

Box turtle

At some point in his life my roommate made this ceramic box turtle. The turtle's shell is a box. It's a cardboard box, partway open. Every single time I look at it, it cracks me up. What genius.

I spent the day studying at UMKC's library. There were some talkative bitches at the next table over. That's fine but they weren't even attempting semi-library voices. My study pal brought us cupcakes. I had a vanilla one. It had flecks of vanilla bean in the frosting.
Tomorrow test. Three more tests this week after that one. Friday is quickly approaching. I've gotta take this one day at a time or I might lose my awesome.

We have luggage now. This is big, right?

A place to petition advice.

I have a new place where I'll strictly ask for questions/advice/HELP. I'm corraling some of the neediness.

Movie Review (brief)

Have you seen Pan's Labyrinth yet?

We saw it a few weeks ago and it's seriously fantastic. I'm highly recommending it.

And also, it's not a kid's movie. Don't take your 5 year old to see it like the people in front of us. The dad spent most of the movie with his forearm draped across his kid's face.