Green Acres

Late last night I drove out to my mom's house to spend the night there. She has a few more calves and now there are horses there, invited over to eat in one of the pastures. The horses all lined up at the gate and let me rub their velvet noses.

There was an enormous amount of iced tea consumed and my cheeks are pink with sunshine.

I came home with bright yellow baby pear tomatoes and red grape tomatoes and big ones about to burst.

Tomorrow morn, is my next to last day of this capstone clinical experience. The waiting is the worst on the job front. I was all psyched up and wearing my interview best waiting to go in when the thing got canceled. Not a big deal but still. I'll be in the GI Lab tomorrow so my main duty will be starting IV's all day. I'm sort of into sliding needles into people's skin. I imagine surgeons getting a rush every time they cut into fresh skin and see the blood come. The day is only 7-1 which is total birthday cake in comparison to these 12 hr shifts. They go by pretty well as I've been working days but afterwards I'm a tired kid for real.

Yesterday would've been my parents' 33 wedding anniversary. They made it to 30 before getting a divorce. There was this strange moment today with my mom when the song "Patience" by Guns N Roses came on. The whistling began and she was instantly sobbing and I was all thrown off because I can get down to some Guns N Roses but...what the hell? She regrets divorcing him and told me sometimes she could just kill herself for the way things ended. My dad loved my mom and my mom still loves him deeply, deeply. I can't believe it's been almost a year.

Update:

Interview = Canceled

Reschedule = Thursday

I seriously alllllways do shit like this.

Avoid - Avoid - Avoid

I hooked up with a friend from school to do this big project for the hospital she's working at. No problem. She gave me the stuff to start last Monday and I didn't start. She called last night and tonight but I haven't talked to her because - SEE ABOVE. She informed me tonight in her very.. terse message on my answering machine that the project needs to be finished by Tuesday and she needs me to give back the shit I'm working on so she can just finish it herself.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I so hate shit like this.
Now I'm in a panic and I have to see her Monday so she can be mad at me.
And how am I going to get this project done by then?
Fuck City.

Deciding

It is a constant, conscious effort for me to decide I'm going to be happy.

I have been experiencing a heavy case of the doldrums during the week when I am home alone. It's prime productivity time and I mostly just while away the hours. I literally walk circles around the house sometimes. There's a lot of stuff I've been wanting to get accomplished like a huge project due at the end of school, working out, swimming, getting pictures enlarged, having some things framed, cleaning, working on the yard, organizing my side of the closet, etc. and these things rarely get done. I have had the fantastic fortune of time with friends on some days during the week and I'm thankful for that.

I emailed Roommate and told him that we're going out tonight for something great for dinner and we're living it up as any regular weekend night. I do have to get up at 5:30 Saturday morning to go work at the hospital but (cliche ahead >>) life's short and I love hanging out with my roommate so it's worth it. What the worst that will happen? I might be a little more tired tomorrow? Totally worth it.

Two weeks until graduation - LOTS to get accomplished before then. Hopefully I'll decide to get motivated.

Ok.

Job interview Monday at the hospital I want to work at.

Hypothetically Speaking

Let's say you move into a house where the rental post made it very clear that no pets were allowed and then you magically talk the owner that lives in California and the local guy that manages the place into letting you move in with your cat. On move-in day when you're getting keys from the super nice manager he again explains why he does not want dogs in the house. The house, built in the 30's, is just jam packed with charm and the owner did a TON of amazing restoration on the original woodwork and hardwood floors.

Fast forward two months later when you're living happily in your home and innocently cruising your friends' blogs and find that joe miller has posted this. Damn you, joe. In an instant your insides ache again for the dog you tried to put out of your mind. Should one continue to put the dog out of mind or approach the nice manager in an honest, straight-forward way?

I'm kinda thinkin' I could rock the white paper hat.

Smells like peppermint in here.

Good Morning!!

Working every weekend has made me have a strange appreciation for Mondays. I woke up in such a good mood I was ready to take my roommate's pants off and tell him good morning.

I have school meetings this morning and then I'm driving across town to school for graduation tickets and a meeting with one of my instructors. I'm super excited about the meeting with my instructor because it's one I set up and I've got a lot of questions I'm hoping she can answer for me. My plan is to leave there...with a plan.

I applied for a few more jobs this week. I'm going to have to step it up a notch.

Saturday night after work we watched "Stranger Than Fiction" and I really liked it. It was way less cheesy than I thought it might be.

I've been wanting to tell random patient stories here but that's a bad idea on all fronts. Also it would get annoying fast.

This has been the summer of long skirts, tank tops and dresses for me. I didn't know I enjoyed feeling like a clean girly hippy quite this much.

I don't own any flannel pajamas.

Just watched a movie called "Flannel Pajamas" and I think I liked it. I can see how many wouldn't though.

I made chili today. It was hot and wet outside and I wanted chili. It sounded so good and.. it was.

Last night S. came over. We spent the day consuming and then sailed through the evening on our porch. There was music and alcohol and great company. It was the perfect sort of evening in my small book and at the end when Roommate said it was worth it I agreed.

Today I mailed my graduation announcements with the pollination stamps. At the post office I asked for two books of stamps - cute ones, please. Two people stopped and looked up. Their faces said, "What a ridiculous request." At the end of errands - sending off post, gathering chili-making supplies and acquiring movies, the hem of my skirt was wet. It had swept through a few puddles.

I'm tired and scared. I apparently do not possess a single decision-making bone in my body. Whether it's related to where we're having lunch or what sort of career I want - I'm at a loss for commitment. Treading water simply will not do and one's arms get tired causing said tired armed person to lay back and float. Just float.

My hair's getting longer. The more tangled and in my face it is the more I seem to like it.
I'm covered in mosquito bites and there are flowers blooming in my backyard.
I'm loved and I love. Roommate of my dreams with such a great brain. Delicious served warm or cold and best eaten with your fingers.

I spend time stressing about whether I'm good company. Yet another brilliant time waster. Worry guzzles energy post-marathon style and never gets quenched.

I've been thinkin' about you.

And you paid five bucks for her Color Me Badd CD so she could buy some weed.

Happy to know you.

I am officially discouraged.

The night before.

Here it is, the night before. Each night before I go to work at the hospital for Capstone I am a complete ball of nerves. Today I finally gussied up a * brand new * resume and applied for five jobs. The online application was insanely annoying with a billion boxes to check yes or no and I read the convicted felon one wrong the first time and checked "Yes!". (punctuation overload) I was busy looking up phone numbers of past jobs and trying desperately to remember supervisors' last names and generally getting it done when everything froze. I was able to restore my session only 90% of the info I'd entered was now missing so I had to start again and I thought my head would just melt and ooze down my body. It didn't melt and I finally finished it all. I was saying all that to explain the compilation of stress that entered my body tonight.

There's a fine balance between a good level of stress to keep me on my toes and this paralyzing crazy I start to feel. I should be in bed because it's hard for me to get up in the 5 o'clock hour. I did some assignments for class where I write about what I did at Capstone. We do these every week and our instructors have dubbed this activity "blogging." I thought they'd enable me to vent a little and digest last week but they brought it all to the forefront of my mind and now I'm here with you doing This.

I'm glad I applied for some jobs. The ice is officially broken there. Now I need to break the interview ice. Ugh. I hate job interviews (like most people) and need to rehearse my answer to the inevitable, "So...why'd ya decide to be a nurse?" My answer for this so far is, "Uhhhh..."

"30 random ways to a happier life"

It's a good list.

July 11

There are a lot of things I'm excited to one day be able to tell you, friends.
One of those things I've been waiting for and today is the day I can finally say it!

I graduate from nursing school in one month!

Color me terrified.

Pok Pok

When we were in Portland we ate at Pok Pok. You can find lots of reviews of Pok Pok online. I had done just that before our trip and was hellbent on going there to eat amazing Thai food. After optimistically hopping off our bus a good many blocks from the restaurant we walked and walked and walked in cool night air to find exactly what I'd read about. It was perfect and it was fun because after reading about it and imagining it, we were there.

The couple waiting on Andy's driveway with us was tall and they stood facing one another, talking and kissing between words. The crowd waiting confirmed suspicions that this really was a great place, unlike any I'd been to before. We ordered dishes I'd read about and seen pictures of and swooned over them in the tiny basement turned dining area. We were delightfully crammed in there.

It was cool enough outside that a sweater felt nice. In the bathroom at Pok Pok I washed my hands with hot water and peppermint soap. It smelled so good and it all made me smile there in the bathroom.

I'd been thinking of that off and on since March and today I bought peppermint hand soap for my bathroom. I'm hoping someone uses it and smiles in there.

Blushing!!

Did anyone see David Letterman tonight with the toys?
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

(Here's the clip I'm talkin' about.)

pom, S.N.

Man. I've just got nothin'. Don't ya love when people blog about blogging about blogging about nothing? Yes, me also.

These days find me exhausted in a fairly ridiculous way. Working 12-hour days is doable, totally doable but at the end I'm just worthless. The nervousness that works up inside me is as exhausting as the actual hands-on work.

I think some people imagine that at this stage of my final clinical/Capstone experience I'm maybe filing papers or sweeping floors? I do nurse stuff. I poke people with needles and clean up poops and chart chart chart. I'm not a nurse yet by any means but when I'm there at the hospital working it looks like I am but I don't get to clock in.

Seems like the next year or maybe two will feel this way, shaky and uneasy and awfully paranoid every time I answer a patient's questions or push the plunger on a syringe. I'm reminded 800 times a day how little I know.

Many of my classmates have jobs and I lack even a resume at this point. A procrastinator to the very end.. I've no idea where I'm going to work and not a single clue what area I'd like to work in. I'm going to jump in with a mind wide open and hope I have awesome co-workers because I think with awesome co-workers I can work about anywhere.

On Bullet Biting

What I've been up to: Broke my computer two weeks ago, finished classes, started capstone, went swimming, ordered graduation announcements.