Nice shoes..

Oh gosh. CUTE!

Favorite Song Right Now

"Fake Empire" off the album "Boxer" from The National.

Brother-in-law liked Alligator much better, called this album boring. I say pish posh.

Are you like, totally hungover?

My bank account is.
Working at a hospital on Christmas is a total lesson in humility.
The day went quickly and the cafeteria served free lunch which was gross but FREE! Worth it? Eep. Ask the hybrid.

At the end of the work day I was eating this amazing, unbelievable toffee this co-worker brings in and a huge chunk of my tooth broke out. Toffee just happened to be the final breaking point, I think. I had it coming. It freaked me out and I'm still freaking out about it and figuring out where to go from here, like...a dentist? Ew.

This morning my roommate is at work. Ew.
I've decided to make pancakes for myself and I'm planning a post-pancake nap also. I even have real maple syrup which I bought some time ago for just such an occasion. Rock!

We're at 24 weeks now as far as gestation goes. Hybrid moves around all the time and I'm starting to realize what some of the patterns are and what jump-starts the somersaults. Pregnancy reality popped up at holiday time when people wanted to feel the belly. Ugh. The belly is actually starting to precede me a bit when I walk into a room. My weight has pretty much stayed the same the past few weeks so I think some fat is still going away a bit as the baby gets bigger because the belly is definitely growing. Being at work and moving around constantly for 12 hours at a time is a lot different than sitting in class feeling like a lump. My body can definitely tell.

Hope your Christmas was lovely.

"Happy Holidays!"

I've been trying to decide whether to remain incredibly vague about what happened on Thursday or just tell you. My main reason for not talking about it is 1) it sucks and 2) I feel like I'll "get caught" or something. I've decided to go with it.

Thursday my mom and I went to a court hearing between her and my dad's ex-wife/bitchcunt. You see, she pulled up some random shit she had no business in from my parents' divorce that was final three years ago, twisted it around, manipulated a bit and voila! she filed a lawsuit. I had honestly never really been introduced to the court system and can tell you that being sued is really, really fucking scary and apparently you can be sued for just about anything anyone feels like suing you for. If this should happen, you will be forced to somehow prove things for others that you would've never imagined you'd have to someday prove. "Yes, I did in fact poop in my own toilet 4 years ago on March 27th."

It was very hard for me to see this woman. Her voice haunts me from the day my dad died and I was hunched over his body weeping and she was screaming at me. It was the ugliest behavior I've ever seen out of another human and she is pure evil. She uses anyone around her for whatever she can get from them and tosses them aside. There are words she said to me the day my dad died that I will never, ever forget. They're burned into me and they hurt. I believe 100% that she married my dad as quickly as possible after he was diagnosed so that she would be able to try and make the 12-month mark that would allow her to cash in off of him. He died just over a month shy of that mark and I think she's been absolutely pissed since then. While my dad was paralyzed in a bed dying, she was out with her daughter looking at new houses - openly. She makes me want to fucking puke. I hate her.

One of the saddest parts of all of this is that part of my family has joined forces with her and people that have known my mom since she was a grinning, shy teenager have turned against her in the most awful way.

I hid my pregnant belly Thursday because this hybrid inside of me that has terrified me and knocked me off my feet with surprise is insanely fucking special and precious and I didn't feel like they deserved to even know of its existence. That might sound childish but it felt protective. People I've trusted my whole life now make me want to spit in their face. It's disappointing but I've not lost my faith in humans.

We still don't know any sort of judgment from Thursday but the judge said it will come quickly. Her lawyer (not my mom's) was completely laughable and I feel fairly secure that things are going to be okay. They honestly never had a case.

I found that one of the most helpful things for me to do on Thursday was to just close my eyes.

Tense

Well. Today's a big day.
I'm officially terrified.
I need some serious peace.
I'm hoping it will be able to come
once this day is over.

I will get a lot done today.

I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.
I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today. I will get a lot done today.

Prepping

This Thursday is a big day for me.
I need all your good thoughts and prayers and support and whatnot that day.
It is feeling like one of the scariest days of my life and one of the last times I remember feeling so nervous and confused is my dad's funeral. Several of the funeral attendees will be there Thursday. I need strength and some peace to accompany that day. I'll tell ya about it once it has come and gone.

It's totally Monday.

I hardcore love being off work on Mondays because it always feels like I'm giving the rest of the working world the finger. However, it feels like I'm giving myself the finger when I work on days like Saturday and Sunday and CHRISTMAS. Yeah, still bitter 'bout it but totally coping. Sorry for being new. Sorry for getting knocked up and wanting to hang with my kid next Christmas. SORRY!

Regardless, today feels all hopeful and sunny. I'm attributing that feeling to a couple of different things. Here's a bulleted list to help pull you into my mind:

1. The sun is shining like a motherf'er out there
2. I finally made those fucking chicken & dumplings and they're cooking on the stove and also it feels blasphemous to add a "g" to the end of the word dumplin and well holy shit you'd DIE of awesomeness if you were here in this house and could smell those things cooking. I'm going to eat the hell out of them.
3. KEXP has rocked my ears all day. Live streaming? I'm fucking MOD.
   

Loving

This Booker T. Jones and Jolie Holland collaboration.
I guess the two got together and recorded some Louis Armstrong songs.
I can't figure out if they did an entire album or a handful of songs? Also, maybe it's only being released digitally?
Anyway I'm loving "It's a Blessing" and their take on "What a Wonderful World." I really love Jolie Holland's voice. In fact, I think I like "It's a Blessing" best of the two.

Jolie Holland said this:

Of the cozy line about seeing friends shaking hands, saying “How do you do?” when what they're really saying is “I love you,” Jones agrees.

“For every one person that's doing something untoward, you've got 500 or a thousand people who are trying to help somebody,” he says. “That's been my experience. That's what the ratio is. That's the way the world is.”

Well hi there! Happy Friday to you! Get a warm blanket out. Stoke the fire.

The beginning of my week was hard. One person managed to dampen my spirit a bit and with a handful of words spit out nothing but discouragement to me. I was temporarily disheartened. It is easy for me to stand back and say to myself or to my friends, "You can't let a person get to you like that" but if we're honest and we're human, people sometimes "get to us" and thank god they do. I want to find myself in a healthy place with a strong backbone and a sensitive heart. In my ideals - the two can exist together and for either to remain - must exist together. I'm no doormat but I'm also not some impenetrable robot being that clicks and whirs and sputters along oblivious to what's around me. I don't pride myself on being a bitch.

As the week went on a handful of people managed to encourage me so much that I can reflect now on my glorious day off and say wow, I had a great week at work and I'm really learning. I sound like I'm filled with marshmallow fluff or incredibly stoned.

A bit of snow headed our way, right? Time for me to make (and eat) these.

Duh?

I'm thinking that maybe puking and being dehydrated all the time and also not having enough nutrition staying in and not having enough sunshine in my life and having an extra thing not entirely unlike a parasite living inside me might be contributing to feeling a hefty lot on the negative side. I once watched this documentary about giantism and this giant woman was going to have surgery in Japan and the FIRST thing those doctors did was amp up her nutrition. Before any type of huge medical deal they wanted her to be strong and full of good stuff. They were feeding her tons of wonderful healthy stuff, heaping bowls of goodness that looked like it'd come from somebody's home kitchen. I love food and medical crap - the two, independently. I think it'd rock if I could work some place that tied that stuff together and instead of instant mashed potatoes and swiss steak (what IS that stuff) - we focused on nutrition as a huge, viable part of getting well.

Also:

I do think these could help me start to feel better.

Free Advice

A helpful tip on not being a doofus home liv'er-in'er:

#1 thing that may be causing your a/c or furnace not to work? Dirty Filter!
Change the filter! Also, be sure to check the size. (16x20x1 for us)

You're welcome.

Pretty sad but this is life, right?

I'm working Christmas Day. I've done this in the past but at jobs where I didn't work a 12 hour shift so there was always still a portion of the day before or after work. I'm sad to miss the big family thing but my director said it's this year or next year and "Do I wanna miss my baby's first Christmas??" Blizzehhhh. Just disappointed and don't worry, I grasp the whole new-girl-totem pole-take-turns bit.

Stay cool.

My roommate just pounded the couch and screamed "Fuck you!" while playing Super Mario. Awww. He's SO cute.

Pretty ick outside, eh? I was sliding my way to my car after work at 9 tonight and kept picturing myself falling flat on my belly. Pretty sure there's enough cushion to keep the hybrid warm and safe but ya'know. Sometimes when I scrunch myself up I imagine I'm smashing one half of its face or something.

Remember in your daily happenings that it doesn't take much discouragement to throw someone off in a big way. I shouldn't let it bother me (blah blah blah, we know the drill) but seriously, another nurse pretty much told me I'm sucking today and it bothered me in a big way. She's not someone I respect a lot so I could tell myself it shouldn't bother me BUT IT DID. Ugh. It was a long day.

Might wanna skip this post.

I absolutely fucking hate how I feel right now.

I am beyond tired of feeling like shit. Remember how I called in to work on Friday 'cause of the vomiting? Well it just goes on. I ate lunch today and an hour or so later I was hunkered over the toilet puking and weeping feeling seriously defeated. Where's my tough girl stamina? When will this stop?
I am almost 5 months pregnant. I feel like I did when I first found out I was pregnant. I think I'm close to having lost 25 pounds. Forgive my complaints but I'm really just extremely sad right now. Morning sickness sometimes seems to fall into the ranks of hangover when it comes to work. I don't need sympathy or any fucking saltine crackers, just understanding. Wow, I'm sounding incredibly pathetic. Last week I almost puked on a woman while I was emptying her ostomy bag. It was full of gas and after I opened it she literally squeezed it, forcing the air into my face. Gah!! How humiliating if I'd puked on her. I just can't win right now.

Lucky for you, The Amazing Race is on now so I'm done here.

Heater no work.

When we woke up today the heater had not been running for awhile because it's fucked up and I know, I know, I need to call the landlord, Mom. Anyway, the moral of that story is - it was fucking cold as a witch's teat in Alaska or something. We stayed upstairs in our bedroom with a space heater running and under blankets and that was boring so I started the car. I pulled on jeans with what I'd slept in, did not even brush my hair or touch my face in any way like you know, washing it or something and we got in the warm car and zoomed off.

We went and saw a matinee show. It only cost $4/ea to see "The Golden Compass." I loved it. I'd like an ice bear of my own, please. I had popcorn too. The movie theater was pissing me off kind of because it'd be cozy and warm and then suddenly it'd feel like a door was open and a frigid breeze would rip through for awhile. I huddled under my coat the entire time. When we left the theater it was misty icing so we had to let the car warm up so the ice could melt and Roommate scraped it off and then we went to the store where apparently the rest of the city was. Geez. Panic much? I mostly wanted something to eat and the last couple of ingredients to make cookies. We also got juice and lit'l smokies and barbeque sauce. I'm serious.

Now I'm planning to make cookies, clean the kitchen, and maybe put up some Christmas decorations. A nap also sounds nice.

The credits are rolling.

I'm feeling all worked up after watching "Sicko."
I wish I were more literate on, well, everything.
Talk to me about this movie.
Working in a hospital gives me glimpses into this.
Hell, signing up for insurance gives me glimpses.

Also, yeah Cat Stevens.

On Guilt and the leech it is.

I should be at work right now but after vomiting 3 times during the course of my morning routine I broke and decided to call in. I hate, hate, hate the way calling in makes me feel. I'd love to be one of those workers that can say after 13 years working somewhere, "I've never called in!" but honestly, what does that get ya? Mad respect? Appreciation? I know I'm not contagious, this is baby business so I could muddle through but I feel ready to pass out. I sound super whiney. I guess I'm trying to justify in my head why it's ok that I called in but..it doesn't feel ok. Also, I'm an orientee so I "work with another nurse" and they won't have to call anyone else to fill my spot BUT... Damn it. Twenty-one weeks into this pregnancy, the vomiting should be over!!

This morning.

Birthday Cake from my mom.

Night before.

Tomorrow's my 28th birthday or if you're my roommate, my 29th birthday.
I'm halfway through this pregnancy now.
Today I felt a real-live kick or perhaps a fist. It wasn't like the prodding I feel when I lay on my belly, it was like something rubbed down the inside of my stomach. It was the strangest thing I've ever felt and it immediately startled me. I can't wait to feel it again. Remind me I said that when I've got a foot lodged in my ribs.
Tonight I feel - not like myself. It sort of feels like I'm coming down with something. I'm going to ignore it because no way am I calling in to work sick on my birthday. I'm wishing I had some horribly gaudy birthday button to wear to work.
Anyway, have a good one.

The goings on. The going ons.

This blog has been a load of surfacey goodness for awhile now because man, if I start delving inside for any length of time, it could get crazy. It's strange because I think my stress is so maxxed inside that I'm walking around in haze of "it'll be ok's." This is getting me through.

I haven't talked much about work because I don't really know what to make of it. I'll be completely on my own soon though it pretty much feels like that now. It still feels strange to walk into my patients' rooms in the morning and let them know I'll be their nurse. Yep, me, I'm taking care of you today. The days are long and busy and my body is 100% exhausted at the end. My belly is growing. This pushed me into finally buying new scrubs for work. I was making myself wait until I was a full-fledged, licensed nurse to get something other than the plain navy blues I'd been wearing all through nursing school. Things at work were crazy hectic on Friday and there were some emergencies with one of my patients and after things were all said and done I was still calm and everything that needed to be done was done. I thought ok, maybe this nursing gig will work out. The confidence I want and need is not there yet but I genuinely want to be really good at my job so let's hope someday I get there. It's hard being new and not knowing what's going on a good portion of the time.

As I'm sitting here typing this I'm pretty sure the baby is moving. If I lay flat on my belly I feel it without a doubt poking and prodding and moving about but when I'm just sitting the sensations are still a bit indescribable. They aren't kicks or nudges I feel, more like a big rollover or a stretch inside. It's like whoah whoah what's that, oh wow ok it stopped. As soon as I saw the baby's profile I thought the face looked like a boy. I mean, I can hardly make that sort of judgment call as truly, I have no idea what it is, boy or girl but all the same.

Roommate has been on vacation the past week and it has been nothing short of amazing. We cleaned and ate together and watched documentaries and played and I am so insanely crazy about him. I feel sort of embarrassed to say this 'cause while it's not a new thought, it's a new REAL thought but that's not making sense, my point is.... He is going to be the most awesome fucking dad. I can't hardly believe it. I pause and think holy crap, this kid and I totally lucked out! He rocks. He's soooo freakin' kind, he's blow-my-mind funny, has awesome taste in music, organizes and cleans like nobody's business, is totally my partner. For some reason, a lot of women really enjoy bitching about their husbands to other women at places like work. It makes me want to shake them sometimes and say, "AHHHHH!! It could be SO much better!" But I stay out of that women talk (right, sheri?). In short, I'm so grateful.

Finally, those dog pictures I posted before this post? Those are pictures of my mom's dog. She acquired that dog after a friend of hers from work told her about it. The dog belonged to the friend's daughter and husband. They'd had a baby not long before and decided to dog was just too much and they had to get rid of him. That was over 9 months ago. My mom's had the dog all this time and we all love him. He's a kickass dog. So last week that daughter has her husband call 'cause she misses the dog and can they have him back. WHAT?! All this time and now they want him back? My mom didn't even put up a fight because she didn't want to get all upset about it la la la so they came and got him. He's gone now. SADNESS. My mom says now if she gets another dog at some point she'll never let him in the house because then she'll get too attached. Hello, isn't that the point of having a dog? Ok not the only point but what good is a dog if you're going to try and force yourself to not get attached? She feels that way because we always had dogs when I was growing up and we had one that lived in the house for 14 years and before then we made fun of crazy dog people but when he died it crushed us.

Now I'm starving.