"Then You Showed Up"

I've been composing this in my head during showers, long quiet feeds, driving in the car and just before falling asleep at night. Our hybrid turned one month old yesterday and yes, like everyone says, I can hardly believe it. I had wanted to post this sooner while everything was fresh but when my cousin's wife had a baby a week ago and her labor turned out somewhat similar to mine, I realized it all still feels very raw. This won't be brilliantly composed, more stream of consciousness for sure. A friend sent me an email totally stream of consciousness before I had the baby of what she was thinking and feeling while pushing. The event of pushing and feeling a baby emerge was one I honestly couldn't imagine. Here's what happened.

Saturday night we stayed up watching a movie. I had spent the day feeling fairly bummed. I was super nauseous (surprise!) all evening and about midnight made myself a little bowl of polenta with grape tomatoes and olive oil on top. Afterwards I ate a cherry juice pop (the triangle kind like you used to be able to get with a school lunch sometimes). We went to bed really late, maybe 2 in the morning or so.

Sunday morning, April 27, we slept in hardcore. It was lovely. I got out of bed around 10:30 and just after I stood up I felt a warm gush. This totally caught me off guard as I'd spent so much time analyzing imminent labor signs that I figured if my water did break at home it'd probably be just a trickle and I'd spend hours wondering if I just kept peeing myself. I was still skeptical, even with soaked pajama pants. I remember pausing with my thighs clenched together and saying to Roommate as he woke up, "So either my water just broke or I peed my pants." I made my way into the bathroom and saw little white specks on my black underwear. I'd read somewhere that was a way to know it was amniotic fluid. As I sat on the toilet, fluid kept coming now and then, much more than I was ever capable of holding in my squished bladder. Roommate said very matter of factly, "It was probably your water." I started to get giddy. I didn't have to time contractions or ask myself if this was what someone would consider a "real contraction"- this was it! I stayed on the toilet awhile and pondered what to do next. My energy level soared and I was ready to walk a marathon and get this labor going!

I finally realized I should maybe call to have the doctor on call paged. The lady with the answering service was sweet and when she asked me when my due date was and I told her two days ago she said with a laugh, "Well it's about time!" (not that 2 days overdue is much but ya'know) She paged the midwife on call (something decided ahead of time - that if my doc was not on call I'd have the midwife on call and the doc on call if need be). Her name was Pam and she was the midwife I saw at my very first appointment there, the one confirming I was indeed pregnant. I asked her how long I could stay home and labor and she said since this was my first pregnancy I needed to go ahead and get to the hospital. I asked, "Can I take my time?" My plan had been to labor at home as long as possible. I wanted to keep moving, try to stay upright, use gravity, walk, walk, walk. That was not to be. She said I should gather my things and come in. I took my time. I showered and re-shaved my legs. All the while I'm giddy and leaking.

After my shower we finished packing things for the hospital. Roommate had taken the trash out and started getting ready while I showered. He was very efficient during this and at one point gave me the motion to "get this going!" while I sat down to blog. Ha! During this time I didn't feel contractions, just very crampy. It did get somewhat uncomfortable to walk for very long. I had made the calls that one makes when in labor and a friend had just left work not too far from the hospital so she headed straight there. She ended up beating us there.

I had a washcloth tucked between my legs and a towel in the seat of the car. We made sure we had the car seat and went to the hospital, arriving around noon or shortly after. They took us to our lovely labor room with a wall of windows overlooking where I park when I come to work and gave me a gown to change into. My mom has a hysterical picture of me taken walking out of the bathroom changed into my gown and grinning. I couldn't believe we were going to have a baby! It was really happening! They're always a little skeptical about you having actually broken your water so shortly after I was in bed they used the little test strip to make sure. Yes! It wasn't urine. The nurse was super nice. She got me settled, hooked up the monitors to keep track of contractions and the baby's heartbeat. These turned out to be impossible to use. Every slight move I made would slip the monitor out of place and they'd come in to readjust me. They would end up using an internal fetal monitor (sad! put into my baby's head) and an internal monitor for the contractions. The insertion of this was completely and utterly uncomfortable. I was contracting when I arrived, regularly even, but nothing that put me in pain. After taking my history and all that goodness they let me know the midwife, Pam, would be coming to check in on me. I was dilated to a 2 1/2. ha! Just after we'd arrived at the hospital my mom and mother-in-law came. So during all of this settling my friend and our moms were there and in hindsight I really wish we'd had time, a few hours even, alone at the beginning. My roommate was adorable during all of this. He was nervous and excited and so sweet to me. I was so excited to be doing this with him.

I had asked if once settled I could get properly protected for my incessant leakage and head out walking. I was ready. Ready to help progress my labor. The nurses told me no that since my waters had broken I'd need to stay in bed. What?! I was horribly disappointed about this and would ask more if I could walk around and stay mobile.

When the midwife came I'd been there a couple of hours. She checked my dilation and then BAM, she brought up using pitocin. I was not interested in pitocin. I protested and she went into manipulation mode. She pulled out the big guns with the "You don't want your baby in the NICU do you?" Ugh. Of course not, lady. My contractions weren't doing a whole lot and she said she felt like they could let me walk all day and play on the birthing ball and I still wouldn't be progressing. She let us talk it over and I was so reluctant. I beat myself up for saying yes but in the end, that's what I did. I was afraid I'd end up laboring on pitocin forever and then end up with a c-section.

They'd already hung the pitocin so when I said yes they hooked it up to my IV and we were off. It didn't take long for the contractions to start hurting. They were rippling through my pelvis low and coming fast. In the beginning (the first hours) I was having contractions sometimes 30 seconds apart. It felt constant. I'd open my eyes and look around (which sort of became the signal that a contraction had ended) and in no time I was hit again. I'd mumble, "Didn't I just have one of these?" They kept turning the pitocin up because they said I was having couplet contractions and they wanted to get them bigger and more productive with some space between. This didn't happen until after I got the epidural. This space is that blurry haze of pain. I feel like I was fairly quiet during this time and I don't remember talking to anyone much. My roommate was amazing and perfect to me. When a contraction would hit I'd rock and press his hand down hard into my hip. More people came during this - S came, my aunt came by with spinach samosas for anyone but me to eat, the shift had changed. I was slowly dilating and each time they'd check me I'd have dilated another centimeter usually.

At some point in the night I started vomiting. I was used to vomiting but this sucked. I'd be struggling through a contraction and vomiting with that damn blood pressure cuff squeezing the hell out of my arm. (I'd never had a BP cuff so tight. Damn.) I was concerned because the bile I was puking up was so dark and smelled so bad. It wasn't like anything I'd done before and I kept asking the nurses to look at it, to make sure it was ok. I swore it looked like I was puking up some blood. They assured me it was normal looking vomit. The first time I vomited the nurse started mopping at my forehead with a cool washcloth and it made me want to punch her. My mom would attempt that when I was a kid and soon learned I didn't want to be touched or looked at while puking. Just leave me alone. The sweet nurse learned that quickly as well.

The topic of the epidural was brought up and I wasn't ready yet. In my head that would only slow progress and they assured me that it would not as they were controlling my labor. I remember asking multiple times if I could do more to progress my labor, stand up, move, anything. I got some Stadol which made me feel drunk. It was a good thing and between contractions, even if only a moment I'd just doze off. I told my family that during the time between I needed to just "float off" for awhile. I wish I had an outside point of view of labor at this point. It is a bit of a blur. A bit after midnight, 12 hours after I'd arrived, I asked about getting an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and politely introduced himself. A contraction slammed into me and I told him I'd have to meet him in a minute. Once it ended they were ready to go. I tried sitting up and told them I had to pee. They told me it was ok they'd just clean me up and put a catheter in once the epidural was started. I announced that I was going to just go ahead and start peeing now and I did, the entire time I sat up, contractions coming, peeing. I was tangled in tubes and wires and kept asking them to just wait a minute. Wait. Give me a second!! They didn't and it's a good thing because about the time I sat up I realized that holy shit, I was about to get an epidural and I was scared. I had not allowed myself to waste any energy before labor on the epidural and now here I was freaking out. I was huddled around Roommate and crying when he started numbing my back. When I felt the first prick I jumped a little and then started repeating that I wouldn't be able to hold still for this! While I repeated that awhile the anesthesiologist said softly, "You can sit up and relax now." It was done. He was done. He was giving me the loading dose. This is the classic part of labor where things got just beautiful. A catheter was put in and my bed was cleaned up. I think I apologized for freaking out and thanked the anesthesiologist. Oh the sweet relief. It didn't take long for my nurse to tuck us both in and tell my family we'd need to rest. We all talked awhile and I felt so relaxed. Sleep was going to feel so good. It felt so indulgent and feeling so utterly numb is wild. The lights were dim, my roommate was close. We were partway through the journey. I should also mention, that when we arrived, the thought among nurses and the midwife was that we'd have a baby by this time.

A couple of hours after getting the epidural our moms and my aunt went to the waiting room to sleep some and leave us alone. We talked some and slept some. This was a weird time. I'd wake up now and then and sort of "take stock" of the situation and go out again. I was so tired. The night went on and still I was dilating and contracting big. Big, fat regular contractions. I'll try to think of more details I want to add here but for now... Around dawn, the midwife was back to check on me. She'd be going off call at 7:30. She mentioned c-section and I sort of blew her off. No c-section, thanks. She went off call and a new midwife, Tara, came on. I don't remember how far I was dilated by this time, I think a 7 or 8 maybe. I was so scared of having a c-section. With seemingly no control of my body I decided to decide things mentally. I had uploaded music into my ipod and I started listening to Eddie Vedder's "Society" from the movie Into the Wild. The song just after that on the soundtrack is called "The Wolf" and it made me feel powerful. I'd told Roommate this would be a perfect song for pushing. It was sort of...primal. I listened to those two songs over and over and put one of the ipod ear buds into my mom's ear. I was scared and very against a c-section at this time. I had my mom give me my dad's handkerchief I'd brought with me. He always had one with him and not long before he died I snuck his favorite into my bag and took it home. I wanted it with me during the birth. I'm not totally symbolic and stuff but I just wanted some of him with me. I just wept and kept telling my mom how much I did not want a c-section. I tried visualizing the baby coming down. I imagined pushing.

During the next check of my vitals I had a fever. It was 100.9. This wasn't good news. By this time I'd been in labor more than 20 hours. Noon was deadline. They were giving me pretty much until then to be fully dilated and push. I started getting nervous. The next time they checked my temp it had spiked higher. The nurse and midwife came. The nurse checked my dilation while the midwife consulted the doc on call. The nurse told me I was fully dilated to a 10 and she asked me to go ahead and just try pushing a couple times so she could feel how the baby moved when I pushed. I felt giddy again. I'd stopped pushing my epidural button quite awhile before then so I could start to feel again and know how to push. I'd been feeling the pressure of contractions a long time but not pain. This was it! I'd fully dilated and I was going to push! I'd drilled my friend just before this on how to push, what it would feel like, episiotomies, etc. With the nurse's hand inside me I tried pushing twice. I told her I didn't feel like I was doing it right but I was ready to get the hang of it and go. This is about the time the doctor on call came in to check on me. He told me that while my baby didn't look awful, it didn't look good. It was having late decelerations in heartbeat. He tried bringing it on somewhat gently but essentially said we needed to do a c-section. It was after noon at this point, maybe 12:30. I was crushed and again protested. I wanted to try pushing. He said no, there was infection around the baby in the amniotic cavity and we had to get it out now. He was stern and I was sad, so sad. I told him my concerns and my disappointment. They gave me the consent form to sign. I've given out lots of these to patients to sign. Essentially they ask if you're ok with getting a blood transfusion and make you aware that you could die. I sobbed. When they started to explain the consent I told them I knew what it said and I started shakily applying my initials to the proper boxes. Defeat. I felt completely defeated.

In a matter of minutes they were shaving me, numbing me for surgery via my epidural and giving Roommate scrubs to wear. I had lost my composure and was just crying. We were in the OR shortly after. It felt like I was about to be crucified when they stretched my arms out on the operating table. More crazy blur here. I was so sad, so terrified - terrified! This isn't how I wanted things to go. I felt like I'd failed Labor. I understood that the bottom line was a healthy baby but was still so..just scared. They were prepping me and I could see my reflection in the light above me. I could see my pregnant belly. I told them they'd have to move that light, I could see myself. While hysterical the anesthesiologist, an adorable girl that seemed about my age with really cute glasses and pretty eyes got down in my face. She told me I had to breathe. Roommate was there next to me. I asked the doctor over the blue sheet if he'd please tell my husband what the baby was and let him tell me. He agreed. While I continued to pretty much be a hysterical mess he said, "Here's the head." I couldn't believe it. They'd already cut me open and were inside? Seconds later he showed Dad. It seemed like he was staring forever and the doctor told him to tell me. I saw tears literally squirt from his eyes and he almost laughed when he told me, "It's a girl!" We were both stunned. For no good reason we'd ended up convinced it was a boy the entire time. Only in the very beginning did I say I thought it was a girl. ( I swear, I said that.)

My heart nearly exploded and they asked Roommate if he wanted to go see her and take pictures. I told him to go and I cried and kept chanting "OH my God. OH MY GOD. oh MY GOD." I said outloud that I should think of something cooler to say. I was just stunned. The doctor finally asked me if I was just overwhelmed or if I was feeling pain. I wasn't feeling pain. I started apologizing for being ridiculous to everyone. It wasn't too long before Roommate arrived back next to me holding our baby girl. I was in awe. She was so aware with her eyes open and her tongue moving in and out of her sweet tiny mouth. My heart nearly exploded. I wanted my roommate to know how amazing he was, how much I loved him, how much she was going to love him, how he'd be the greatest dad. I was telling him, this is our baby. We have a baby!! It blew my mind. The whole thing probably took half an hour? She was born at 12:56. I had asked the doctor who would tell our families. I was so excited because they'd all be so surprised that it was a girl! He told us that we'd be the ones to tell them when we got back down the hall to our room. The instant I was wheeled out of the OR and we were headed down the hall they knew. Some nurse (??) had already told them. (Grr!) They were indeed surprised and so happy and everyone thought she was so beautiful and aware of everything. I got to hold her for the first time in our room. I loved her so much. It was just as intense as everyone says. It was completely insane. I can't even put it in words. I didn't even care how we'd arrived there at that place regarding labor. Bottom line: We'd hit the jackpot!