Today has been hard.
Hard not because the baby has been crying inconsolably or feeding constantly or pooping all over everything or any other number of complaints new parents can very justifiably have. No, today has been hard because I'm trying to figure myself out. I'm feeling quite inadequate in a number of ways all related to being human, a wife, a mama, a daughter, a friend, a solitary creature, all of those things.
As I'm typing this I am sitting on the bed opposite my roommate. Between us with her feet at the head of the bed is our daughter. She has her arms outstretched with a hand on each of us. We are so in love with her and want to do things right. I find myself running to the laptop to google something, hoping for an answer that says something like, "You're not doing anything wrong, this is normal."
Let's not jump in and pin the postpartum depression on me just yet. I wouldn't be ashamed of such a diagnosis, I just don't think I'm there yet. I'm also not denying the very real possibility that I will indeed get there.
I don't intend to give disclaimers for everything I'm writing - it's just that I can't quite get the words out. All very normal, I'm sure - but that doesn't really guide my path in figuring myself out.
13 comments:
:) You're normal! I promise!
As for the solitary self? Forget she exists for at least 6 months. That's not too long a sentence to do NOTHING in peace, and then you will be able to leave her for trips out all by yourself. The time goes by really fast because you're so so very busy.
Things that are helpful for PPD:
Omega 3's, sunshine, walks/yoga, baby wearing!, breastfeeding.
Are you co-sleeping? Master side-lying nursing and you can reclaim your sleep! It made all the difference in the world for me this time around. We just put E in the co-sleeper right up next to me at bedtime (ie: when he falls asleep while nursing around the time we go to bed) and then when he wakes up I just turn over, scoop him into our bed, sleep-nurse him and then we wake up again as needed for him to eat but at least he's right there. It gets really easy to sleep nurse as time goes by. I think lack of sleep is maddening and a huge contributor to women feeling depressed PP.
I meant forget YOUR solitary self exists, not the beebs. haha, that came across really weird!
i second the sleeping position breastfeeding. sooo necessary for me.
my ppd was worse or more prolonged I should say with baby #1 and this time, i think it was just as intense, but seems to be subsiding quicker. and, with Ro, i didn't really label it ppd until i was out of it. i really thought it was more the drastic life change throwing me for a spin (which, yeah, that was it too, but the symptoms were classic ppd). mostly i just felt inadequate all the time and constantly worried about his well-being (road raging at people thinking that they understood when they cut me off that i had THE most precious cargo ever, staying up listening to him breathe for and hour or more, i mean some really taxing stuff).
sending you goodness and patience with yourself :)
The first child is just scary. Take it from me: just don't worry about being perfect, or about your child being perfect. Nobody's perfect.
At age 63, the one thing I would change if I could go back and do it over is that I would NEVER strike, spank, or hit my child.
she's really good at side-lying, mama-sleepy nursing. It even feels like a guilty pleasure. I have to admit - we're really getting plenty of sleep, even if it is slightly broken, we're getting a good amount.
we took a nice family nap this afternoon and with the lovely weather we're about to strap on the babyhawk for venturing outside/stuff-doing around the house.
also, we're listening to the juno sountrack while daddy dances - nearly as fantastic as sunshine for the soul. :)
(a nap has helped my mood immensely as you can probably tell)
i guess the worst is the feeling inadequate - the stress that causes between Roommate and I. Yeah.
thank you.
and also - thinking about the return to work has already put a damper on my heart. I don't want to think about it really -- just enjoy this time, soak it up but going back to work for 12 hours/day is going to kill me. whew.
After my son was born I cried for two weeks. I had a terrible hormone crash/baby blues that lasted for six weeks. After that things really started looking up for me, although I'll admit I had some PPD for a good year. Something that really helped was a website called Ask Moxie (http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/). You can go through her archives to get great answers to about anything, and if you don't find what you're looking for you can email her a question. It helps to read the comments as well.
Babies are hard. It gets better.
I think you're still in awe.
Hmm..
I sort of regret posting this?
I think it has been misinterpreted.
My feelings about today and about now in general are all sort of around the baby. This wasn't a desperate post. This post wasn't even really about the baby at all. It's more about me and things around me I don't want to include here. I appreciate your thoughts. Now I feel like I need to explain or defend what I said but I won't bother. But yeah, I think my post got misinterpreted a bit. Oh well.
I'm trying to figure myself out.
give it time: you'll continue figuring yourself and baby out for years...
Co-sleeping rocks! the youngest is now not nursing at night, but the whole snuggly thang is too cool. Unfortuantely, the big one has decided we take up too much of the bed (and I bought a California King size, mind you..) so is starting to opt for her own bed more and more.
end of an era...
you'll be fine, i promise you. I've been there too. It's normal, it's okay, it's human. Basically, we are solitary creatures and motherhood destroys that quite abruptly. We are not the centre of OUR world anymore and this creates all kinds of feelings. But you feel deeply and truly and you are still you. How can i say it differently? You are okay. x
i'm not sure if this is really how you are feeling but you got me reminiscing about those first few months after Ro was born. Man, the pressure. That's mostly what I remember now. the immensity of everything and how i felt like i was drowning in it and how what i looked over at jay for a lift, i saw someone reaching right back to me for help. the stress of it. but Ro, he was waaaay colicky so I think that heightened it, but for me I think it was a mix of ppd and first baby mental chaos. you know, you come into being a mother with all these expectations of yourself and the expectations the world puts on you. man, it's heady stuff. good luck on the figuring stuff out bit. if you get that one under your belt, I could use some help with still too. :)
If you do get there (meaning postpartum depression), come hang out with us at Postpartum Progress. We've been there and know exactly where you're coming from.
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