Death Suite

So we're back from what feels like a whirlwind. We arrived in their tiny town in Kansas just in time to head to the funeral home for a viewing of my grandpa. Various opinions there but really, I think he looked great. Back at their house it was mass chaos of the usual post-death kind. We all ate a ton of food and talked needlessly loud to one another and made pot after pot of coffee. People in and out all evening, pies and casseroles whose ingredient lists include frankfurters, peas, potatoes, cheese, crushed potato chips. Hoo boy!

There were only a few of us staying with Grandma, namely my mom and her sisters and Roommate and I. When it came time to organize the sleeping arrangements they told Roommate and I to take The Big Bed. I was confused and thought surely they don't mean... Oh they did. They set Roommate and I up to sleep in the Death Suite, on the bed my grandpa died in. I mean, SERIOUSLY? - - SERIOUSLY?? - - No fucking way. I felt bad for feeling that way, "It's fine! We flipped the mattress and washed everything." Um. No fucking way. So I crammed my pregnant ass on the loveseat in that room and Roommate actually braved the bed. We were both awake most of the night and in the end were just sitting side by side on the loveseat under an afghan giggling at inappropriately morbid things. You should know that he makes awful, awful jokes.

We're home and exhausted and it's so nice to see the sun. I hear tomorrow is supposed to be 65? Let's not think about the snow they said is coming Sunday night. Plenty of time for that to get changed. We're going to grill something to go alongside an enormous salad tomorrow..something totally non-greasy, non-salty. Ick!

The day today.

Man, I'm feelin' pretty blah. Worn out. Accomplished nothing at all today.
How do you feel about stretch marks, eh? I feel like I've grown exponentially in the past week. Sorry my alligator underwear are showing. These amazing almost-expert photos were taken in our upstairs bathroom - formerly a closet. Ignore the toothpaste splatters. Hey, at least we brush our teeth, right? 33 weeks
I'm starting to hurt more. Roommate says I look "pregnanter." xoxo
So tired.

Well, my grandpa died this morning. My mom sounds like she's "hangin' in there." Sounds like my uncle is 100% not hangin' in there.. Not sure yet when we're driving down.

Sit close. I've got some things to tell you.

I would say that today has marked the peak in baby movement. I could almost picture limbs pushing and rolling under my skin as it was all just so big. They're happening right now. The left side is protruding more than the right and I can feel a firm, round hybrid bottom in there. Don't let me lose you to sleep yet 'cause I've more to talk about than this creature inside.

Should we go for good news or bad news first?
It all gets marbled together anyway as neither is really just one or the other, right?
Last weekend my mom and I drove the not-long three hours down to a little town in Kansas where most of my mom's family lives. Today my mom headed back down 'cause they're not sure my grandpa will make it through the night. This is that awful part where either that's true (sadness) or it's not true (also sadness). There were multiple, multiple times I heard the same regarding my own papa and it's only true once. I certainly don't expect hospice workers to also specialize in the use of crystal balls, this is just a really hard stage to be in.

I'm so so sad for my mom 'cause her heart is broken. She caught herself one day telling me how hard it will be to lose her parents and then she felt immediately guilty. I so don't want her to feel that way. I don't want her to feel like I'm on the other side comparing our stories, our sadness. They are different. My grandpa's end now is sad. His suffering is sad. He's angry. When I saw him last weekend he told me goodbye in different words. He kissed my face again and again.


Roommate quit the job he loathed. I could not be happier for him. I am so excited about the change this means for him, for the grimness lifted. Selfishly, it is so nice having him around. I love the potential. I love the shift. I can't quite tell how he's feeling about it but my worst fear is that he'll panic. I'm feeling no panic. To me the panic could only induce a rush to settle for something no more him than the last job. I'm also secretly hoping that during this time he might (finally) share some of his art with the good people of the interweb. Nudge.

Today we increased the CD collection, made a trip to the mall solely for the purpose of eating in the food court and then we went food shopping as I've got all sorts of ideas up my sleeve for upcoming meals. The lazy breakfasts we might share, the easy bits to nibble for lunch and actual real-deal suppers. I'm happy. In the marbled swirl, I'm happy. I'm full inside. I am insanely crazy about my roommate and our hybrid. (Though I am wildly terrified about becoming a mama as well.)

I assure you, winter is on its way out. It's been a long one.

Breakfast.

I'm working on my second piece of toast, both with a smear of Nutella on top. They're followed by hot sips of coffee. I'm in front of the window.

us on the couch.

32 weeks

I'm dying to pick these pictures apart but I won't. In it you can see how I'm accessorizing with this lovely band around my belly. It looks rather lame when I'm showing it to you but it's awesome. I got it to wear to work as my scrub pants consistently fall down and the last thing I need when I'm on the ground wiping up liquid poop is for my own ass crack to be showing. This holds my pants in place which is honestly a huge relief. Also, while my ass is not small, it sure is flat. Damn.

Somehow, when I look down at my belly it looks like a round ball but when I look at a photo taken from the side, it just sort of has this weird hump out front.

This is a strange point in pregnancy, I think. I finally feel officially pregnant but there are still several weeks to go. At some point I need to contribute the information needed to plan a baby shower. At the last ultrasound my doctor said the hybrid weighs 3 pounds. That was a couple weeks ago and I have another appointment tomorrow. This every 2 weeks thing is for the birds. Except...birds lay eggs. What?

Hi. and thanks.

Ended up back at work today at noon-something. Wasn't bad at all, just crazy busy but with great co-workers which makes THE ENTIRE difference. We can all take those shit-fabulous days when we're in it together. "Hey, my day is sucking but when I get a moment that it's not as sucky I'll help you ease some of your suck, k?" Sweet! So far the schedule's got me plopped on there for 4 in a row and I just cannot freakin' do it. We'll see what happens about Thursday. I'm tired now. It's that good, earned tired though, not that holy geez why can't I move my body tired.

Tomorrow's schedule includes some more coworkers that don't suck so Yes!!

Hearts and stars to you.

some musics

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com. More colors.

g'morning.

I got up and went in to work this morning and was greeted with a "what are you doing here?" Err, today's my scheduled day to work. So apparently my schedule got changed this week (??) and they pulled me off today and put me on tomorrow. I lingered a bit and considered staying today in hopes I'd get pulled off one of the other days but four twelve-hour shifts in a row would kill me. Maybe that sounds super wimpy but it's just too much right now. I ended up leaving, obviously. I did tell them to call me in if today gets too busy. It looked like it was going to.

Right now I'm here drinking sanpellegrino aranciata because I'm a snob and also, it tastes good. At 99 cents a can, it's not something I indulge in often but it's surprisingly tasty. It's not too sweet, very orange, very sparkling. My stomach is into those things this morning. Kind of.

Seriously forgive the incessant whining. When I start reading blog posts like that I can generally feel myself start zoning out.

I don't think I'm sick right now - it was just that food. We got some level of food poisoning. Roommate got it much heavier than I did. I ate some yogurt last night. My brain was like, YES, good bacteria will go in and devour the bad! Heh.

I've found that colored beads and tinkly silver earrings make me feel a little more alive. How do people stay up?
My roommate has worked a job he's disliked for going on 6 years. How did he do it? I'm a quitter. I start hating something and losing hope and crying and then I quit. I throw in the towel and walk away without looking back. A part of me justifies that as "not settling" and another part of me knows it's something else..

Defeated.

I am so absolutely discouraged. My cheeks feel slightly crusted from the now dry tears from in the car. Last night we went out to dinner with fam. Late in the night the meal inspired me to vomit and then Roommate was up and down all through the morning into the afternoon vomiting. We both feel like complete shit now. I'm so tired of feeling bad. In 12 hours I'll have been at work a bit already and I am filled with dread. Seems like we so rarely just feel good around here lately. We are sickly and exhausted so often. Bleh. I apologize for the overwhelming amount of complaints I seem to come up with. All I could do in the car on the way home from dropping off Roommate's brother was cry. That's all I've got right now - tears and frustration. There's a tiny part of me that'd love to be home for the next two months until baby comes - to sleep, to clean, to get more strength, to usher in spring.

Word. "Just hangin' out, absorbin' nutrients and shit."

Oh hey.

Heart on my sleeve doesn't cover it.

It's just beating all warm and fleshy and bloody in my hands, held out for everyone to see today.
I got myself the soundtrack to Once today and was listening to it on my way home. "Take this sinking boat and point it home. We've still got time." For some reason listening to that somehow got my mind thinking about what it would be like to lose my roommate. Depressing, no? It was a flood and it took my breath away. I couldn't fathom the idea.

It was just a mile or so down the road where I sat waiting to turn. A funeral procession was coming. They were lined up as you know them to be with headlights leading on. I started crying instantly. I thought of my dad and our funeral procession. I cried thinking of the cold rain they would soon be standing in. What a perfectly shitty day for a funeral. It wasn't that way the day we buried my dad. It was a totally unsuitable perfect day outside. It was sunny and breezy. I distinctly remember looking down and watching the way my pants were slightly dragging over the grass as we walked to his open grave. We parked and walked down the hill. It was nearly an out of body experience. I just wanted to look at him some more and I knew we'd passed that point. His casket was closed and hovering over that fucking hole. It would never be opened again. I wanted to see the spot where my finger had left an indentation on his skin and my mom told me not to touch him. I wanted to look at his mouth - the way it looked so awkward pressed flat against his teeth. I wanted to see his beard. He always had a beard. A reddish auburn beard that was like a surprise against his skin and in contrast to the hair on his head.

Crunch.

Reading Sweet Juniper! had me all sorts of touched this morning. It hit me somewhere. I'm not sure if it's the baby literally wallowing in my belly or the gray rain and thunder. February, you are so fickle.

The cold weather and promise of snow later has me wanting to head out in the wetness and gather supplies to make some granola. I have that Nigella cookbook but have never tried the granola. I have made the other granola recipe from Molly and loved it. I was totally smitten with the cardamom and orange zest.

Yesterday I requested some heirloom seed catalogs. Who am I kidding? I couldn't be bothered to weed the wee patch of flowers I planted last year. I just don't mind the idea of a tangled tomato plant in there at all. Uniform size potatoes prime for french fry making can suck it. I want some nubbly old fruit out there. Come little baby, taste this. Smell it. Wanna pick up this worm? Go on, get your toes dirty.

I am so swoony today.

Cute shoes again - for bigger feet!

Are these cute or what?

What do you think of these?

I'm just lovin' these shoes.

(Choose United States on the initial screen and the shoes'll pop up)

Stories about Patients!

Some of my patients yesterday:

"At work they call me Mr. Crankybox."
They call you Mr. Crankybox? Why would anyone call you that?
"Cause I am cranky cranky and crankier all the time."
This guy was takin' a lot of pain meds (given at my hand!) and asked me later why I wasn't workin' the salad bar.
And trust me, I know how to work a salad bar.

Other man has been seriously out cold on valium and haldol for days because of LAZY FUCKING NURSES that wrote him off as a crazy loon. Turns out he's not even crazy but maybe delightfully old and nutty'ish. I got to experience The Waking.
He told me he had 3 pretty wives and 1 pretty girlfriend and he'd had to bury them all. Out of those he had 17 children. I said "No you don't!" Ha. That is my response, my classic response to anything people tell me. "You didn't!"
He watched the history channel yesterday and later told me he'd learned that each can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup has 216 noodles in it.

I learn a lot at work.

And now I'm taking myself out to Pancho's to celebrate. Can I borrow 5 bucks?

I bit the bullet..
took the plunge..
pulled the trigger..

Bought a baby crib today.

And now, the weather..

What the hell?
Yesterday while I'm at work I hear thunder and think no, surely not. Then I see lightning and watch it start pouring. What's it pouring though? Rain? Ice? Sleet? Oh, now it's hailing? Ok. Today the high is supposed to be 62? When I opened the door this morning it looked liked spring, everything lit up by the sun and wet. Tomorrow, High 33 and a wintry mix? This totally fucks with me, damn it.

More of the same.

Work sucks the energy from me. I'm usually there from around 6:40 in the morn until 9:00 at night. There are some days I leave by 8 something and some days I'm there until 10. My body feels rough by the end of the day and my pelvis starts feeling so heavy and achy. I can definitely recognize the round ligament pain associated with pregnancy. (How exciting to read!)

Today I was off as I work Sat/Sun. I decided this morning that a drive sounded nice so I hopped in my car and drove the hour to my mom's house. She had to get to work this afternoon so I spent the latter part of the morning with her sitting at her kitchen table. When I was driving home I had the heat on and the sun was shining through the windows and suddenly I was rubbing my eyes and cracking the window for some air. I got out to fill my car up with gas and just stood there with my eyes closed. I can hardly keep my eyes open. A nap sounds unbelievably nice.

The weekend will roll by fairly quickly and then I'll have 3 days off. Hurrah! Wednesday is another ultrasound. I'm excited for the peek. At this point I go to the doc every 2 weeks. Bleh. Wednesday is also my appointment with a dietician to learn how on earth one might add calories to his/her diet! It's a concept completely foreign to me. (chili dog anyone?) I need to call and find out from my insurance co. if this visit will be covered because if it's not, I'm sure as hell not going. It's going to be absurd. I'm just glad I'm not going to get educated on gestational diabetes. Eck.