Though I hear you calling, I will not answer.

Hi. 
Today we went to the park and we grilled and Beebs annoyed all the older kids playing there. 
I've been struggling with this pattern I'm stuck in where on my day off I want to do something fun because it feels like I may never have another day off again.  So sometimes in the morning on these days I get sort of stuck in a funk where I'm like oh woe is me we never do anything fun we have no friends and we're boring parents and on and on and on.  I start picking little fights with Roommate while he sort of blinks at me in confusion and then I have to very literally tell myself to stop it.  I was that way this morning and we were just sort of putzing around here and then I'm like we have to go do something fun!  So we did.  Heh.  I threw a few things in a bag and we stopped at the store for some food supplies and then we were off to the park up the street.  We played and I cooked there on the grill and we ate and walked and about 60 seconds into our ride home Beebs was out cold. 

This year I'm going to start planning early for my 30th Birthday.  Last year on the day of my birthday I knew I wanted to hang with some friends and maybe do dinner and that afternoon I started trying to make a reservation and couldn't get in ANYWHERE and I was flustered and blechy and maybe not very fun?  I remember there were tears.  This year I'm turning 30 (as one does on their 30th birthday) and it's on a Saturday (Dec 5) and I'm going to do something fun!  Making a wish list always feels a little silly but it's fun. 

One day last week I worked and had to work the next day.  (weird, I know)  I went to bed about 11 pm and woke up for the day at 1 am.  I felt like I had a disease.  I told someone at work that and she said, like..insomnia?  OH, yes!  Like that!!  I could count on 1 hand the nights I've ever felt like that.  I was obsessively thinking about work and at 2:30 in the morning called up there to see how things were going.  (what?!)  You don't need me to tell you how painful that day at work was but man, that night was just awful.  I was trying so hard to sleep, to relax and I could not.  My doc recently upped my dose on my antidepressant so maybe that was part of the problem?  Also my brain that mulls stuff over and panics and overflows with dread and berates.  Last night I dreamt I'd gone through an entire day at work and never saw any of my patients and I was lying about this to everyone.  It was awful. 

Tomorrow = work.  I searched some online today for a new job.  I wish I knew what direction to go in.  I need some guidance.  How do I figure out what I might be better suited for?  Shouldn't I be able to spend some introspective time and figure this out?

Just sent an email to a friend.  I'm working on a lovebomb.
Roommate and I are desperate for some friends that genuinely like us and want to be around us and make an effort.  I know everyone's very busy.  Doesn't it feel so good when you know someone made time for you?  We want people to encourage and support and love and have the same from them.  We want relaxed times together, cozy dinners, we want to be pushed and moved into other things by people that stretch us and help us grow and ...we want to do all of those things right back. 

Note to Self:

• Get prints from flickr
• Frame my swanbones print and the prints from camilla engman.
• update blockbuster queue
• buy games
• call dr M
• get cash for envelope

Longing, longing.

I am longing for female companionship. I just read this and am now headed over to Kelly Rae's blog to read what she has to say about creating the kind of times we long for. I think I am 100% guilty of building up this idea of friendship and community in my head and then sort of looking around waiting for it to plop into my lap. I keep thinking, man, I wish we had friends that invited us over for dinner and like...really wanted us there! Let me tell you the last time I invited friends over for dinner. ________ It's like that whole expending energy to get energy thing. It's so damn hard to start. For ages now I've been wanting some like-minded friends and I just don't put any energy into that endeavor. If you're friends with me, I'm sorry I don't give enough. When I was just looking through the photos from Andrea's and Kelly Rae's blogs I get so caught up in judging myself like, I could never do that, I'm too fat/ugly/lame/poor/etc. to do that. Do you know the pure heartbreak I would feel if I witnessed my daughter feeling that way about herself? I have a daughter! Oh how she deserves to have a model in her life that shows her something different. When will I change? Dear Self, Let's get a move on! love, me

Um..

Just saw this on the wall in our living room. Looks kind of like what we always called "Silverfish." Any idea? Other than....EW.

Green grass.

Oh hi. Writing this in an attempt to understand what I'm feeling. I think I'm living these days lately with very little awareness. When I first started the ol' anti-depressant I was like hyper aware of how I was feeling, regardless of my knowledge of its effects and the time it might take it was like OH! Did I just feel happy for a second?! That's a slight exaggeration but not much. I am so frustrated with myself. I just had 5 days off in a row - a glorious 5 days - that I was SO looking forward to and I feel totally dissatisfied. What the hell? Am I just a totally ungrateful lump of crap or what? We had planned to maybe leave town and go to Omaha but I didn't plan very well and when I called to make hotel reservations they were almost double the price we paid when we went last year. I think maybe it was move-in weekend for the local college/s? So in these 5 days off we spent time with mother-in-laws, mine & his, went to a birthday party for a lovely little 4 year old, slept in, went out for Indian food, looked at new TV's, shared some naked hug time and still I feel totally "meh" about all of it. And feeling that way makes me disappointed and frustrated with myself. I've also been thinking about work again. A great co-worker quit and that made me kind of re-evaluate where I stand. She told me it was time to spread her wings and I felt all wistful and dreamy and it made me see all the dust gathering on my own wings. I have this total ebb and flow with life, I mean duh but awhile back I was ready to put in my 2 weeks and then I sort of straightened myself up and decided to just suck it up awhile. I can do better, guys. I am not stupid and I can do more, be more, make more, go more places.

Monday.

Hi. Thanks for reading this. I woke up at 1:18 am like an alarm had just gone off. Now it's going on 3 and here I am. Hi. Hi again. Just wrote out some cards to send some love out into the universe. I should send one to my Roommate because I love him so much and he's in need of some universal love and good will and happy thoughts and support. Anti-depressant update: I've taken the medicine for 3 days and don't want to write much about my mood because, well, placebo? I don't know. I do know the med makes me pretty nauseated for the first part of the day and yes, I'm taking it with breakfast. Also, mid-afternoon every day since I started taking it I get this insane killer headache. Not even a headache it's more like a stab stab stab through the side of my brain. Usually left side. Ow. Got myself a new journal. Did I already break that news? heh. It's cute - Jill Bliss. I had one of her planners once, filled with native flowers and such. Fun little sketchy drawings. Oh here! This is it. So if you see this lying about it might have some little notes scrawled in it about how I'm gonna kick depression's Eeyore-lovin' ass. Shoot. What should I cook today? Maybe the sweet potato, black bean, kale enchiladas Hils told me about. I don't know if it's because I read several blogs by vegan ppl but I've been "wishing" I were vegan? heh. I've always eaten meat and sometimes I feel really... shameful about that? I think about the shit ton of animals killed for meat and I also think about my poor body trying to digest meat regularly. I don't know if I want to give up meat but I guess it's something I think about for multiple reasons. Beebs rarely eats meat and I was so hesitant about giving it to her in the first place. She does eat dairy though. Eh. I'm gonna go drop my cards in the post box now. It's up the hill a ways. Bye!