post-christmas post

Christmas was strange this year.  There were so many different things this year - location, we didn't see my mom because of the snow, work before and after, our daughter is older, the snow, all of it.  It solidified for me that I want to tried and true, hardcore traditions for Beebs on a yearly basis.  By hardcore I mean, things we will always do - no matter how goofy or random - those things are comforting.  And also, we can do things totally different - you know?  We don't have to eat the same holiday meal for 30 years or open gifts the same way or at the same time and the family involved with our celebration will vary and on and on.  Those weren't new ideas to me but..confirmed.  Change is good!

We had been so sick and I had work and suddenly it was Christmas Day and the house was a disaster and we hadn't wrapped 98% of the gifts for Beebs and each other.  Roommate was sick through the night but still got up before us and put up the tent we got for Beebs so she could be surprised when she woke up and came into the living room.  After opening a couple things we cleaned up the house so we could just feel comfortable and not look around at a mess.  Roommate's family came over and we just had a low key time.  After they left, Roommate and Beebs took a nap while I wrapped some things - he woke up and wrapped some things and then we spent the evening playing and exchanging a few gifts.  It seems like our gifts to each other are always things like books & music but this year Roommate got me a new (!) camera (!).  It's so nice and I LOVE it!!  My old one broke quite awhile back, earlier this year and I've been borrowing my mom's ever since. 

I feel a little high this morning.  I don't know if it's because I've been slamming coffee or what.  I poured a cup before the pot was finished brewing and have been steadily refilling.

What else is going on?
I've definitely hit that end-of-year introspective place.  I'm entering a new decade (30) along with the rest of the world (2010).  Roommate will be 30 in January.  I'm dreaming of a new job (still) and the possibility of home ownership (skeptical but..) and..other stuff.  I've got friends trying to have babies and I'm excited for them and sending them powerful conception vibes.  (Did you know I had those?)  But what I meant to write this paragraph for - I'm listening to the whispers.  This might sound dumb but  Wait, no disclaimer!  My director recently yelled at me at work - in my face - yelled.  It was so strange!  I've never been yelled at by my boss at work in a manner like that and honestly, it broke off some of my shell, ya'know?  I feel like it put more fight in me, like, oh hell no, I am NOT stupid and you are NOT going to treat me like I am.  I've been just going along doing my job and hating where I work for a long time now and I'm just in this place of...bleeehhhh.  Ya'know?  I needed a shove out of my comfort zone to shake me up.  Being yelled at like that started a little fire in me.  I don't want to be a passive little pud. 

I'm going to do the 2009 completion ritual - or at least part of it. 

We played in the snow yesterday and it was so fun.  Beebs had never done it before.  Magic. 
What was your favorite part of all the holiday stuff?  I hope it was great and you were safe and warm.  I did not enjoy the slip-sliding to work.  We need new wipers so bad on Roommate's car.  I could NOT see.  Nightmare.  I was genuinely scared driving home from work on Christmas Eve.  I rolled into the parking lot a bit after 9.

Ok, enough rambling from me.  Happy December 28th!  Hope your New Year's is lovely.  I'll...be at work. Yay!! 

Merry Christmas!!

Oh hay!

Just sittin' here.

Eatin' my bowl of snow.

pathetic.

So hey!  The past 24 hours have been insanely awful.  I spent the night wretching and diarrhea'ing.  I set my alarm clock for 3 am and thought ok, if I don't feel better by then, I'll call in.  Several more trips to the bathroom and I called in...and I SWEAR, every damn time I call in I get all nervous and worked up and have to sit with the phone in my lap for at least an hour and then when I finally call -- I explain why I'm calling in and I like..laugh?  It's just a nervous thing but I'm like oh, chuckle, I'm sick..chuckle.  Unghhh!! 

I shared this disgusting story with K and now you'll get it here.
During my bathroom escapades last night I pooped my pants a couple times.  You know how this happens.  I'd be all kneeling there puking and here comes the diarrhea squirts.  I finally got smart in my delirium and decided I'd take a plastic grocery bag with me so I could just hold it there and puke while I sat on the toilet, containing all mess!  Brilliant!  On my trial run of this idea, I soon discovered that my chosen bag had a huge hole in it and all the vomit had run down my lap and was dripping off my arm.  Barf bag fail!  It was after that particular episode that I turned to the fetal position on the floor and wept.  I felt so alone.  I mean, it's funny and it was so disgusting and miserable but the house was all dark and the bathroom was so cold and my family was sleeping so good and..meh.  Alone.


It sucks calling in to work because I figure everyone just assumes I'm lying with it being so close to the holidays and I don't blame them.  That's always sort of in the back of your mind when people call in to work. 

I kind of wanted my mom today 'cause she took such good care of me when I was sick.  Well maybe I just wanted a mom today because when I called my own mom she just kept saying "oh my" and it all felt really stupid like, uh yeah..I'll just talk to you later.

I guess what I'm saying is - when you're 30 and sick it sucks to feel like nobody gives a shit.  ha.

twinkle lights.

It felt like we put the tree up so early this year and here it is..almost Christmas.  HOW?!

I have been frantic doing online shopping and yet I feel so lost.  I've been jumping from site to site the last few hours (!?) trying to be thoughtful and introspective and consider each person I want to buy a gift for.  More time!  I need more time!  In October Roommate and I mused about getting started SO early on Christmas shopping so we could take our time and make good choices and now I'm like uh...  um.. 

I've noticed that part of the reason it has felt so hard to find gifts is the feeling of not knowing someone.  A couple of people, like my mom, I know and feel like I can choose gifts that will fit and she will love.  To my mom, a jug of Grade B Pure Maple Syrup is a special treat she loves but would never buy for herself.  It's part of her gift.  For others, particularly part of Roommate's family, I feel lost.  I've seriously tried to put myself in a state of meditation - considering who they are, what they love, what would surprise them or make them happy and..I'm still lost.  I hate buying gift cards.  It's like eh, I was going to give you cash but instead I decided where you'd spend it.  heh.  Or maybe it's an attempt at being more personal but still..  I don't know.  Gifts cards aren't all bad, certainly, I know, sometimes I l o v e receiving them.  I got a couple for my birthday and voila, I have a lovely new green winter coat.  Thank you!  (by the way, all coats at Target were/are (?) on sale)  Linked there for $65 I bought it for $32 -- err, S & M bought me that coat with $35 in Target gift cards.  wow, I sure rambled off on that bit.

Anyway.  How are you grounding yourself and staying organized?  I love giving gifts but I want them to be special. 

I've invited some family over for Saturday and am planning to make cut out sugar cookies to bake and decorate, homemade caramel corn (the recipe over at Orangette), homemade pizzas with a myriad of toppings for everyone to choose and customize and perhaps an evening trip to the Plaza and around to see the lights and show Beebs.

[buzz] Words I keep reading on the internet these days:
Waldorf
green smoothies
anti
chia

Have been watching lots of videos of home births and reading about placenta encapsulation.  (you do that thing, ladies!  though no placenta capsules for me..not even if they include fresh ginger and chiles and..)

I have started putting post-its up in our house to remind us of our goals.  There's one on the cabinet where the drinking glasses are reminding me how good drinking water makes me feel and I actually saw it and thought ahh, yes, water now, delightful!  heh.

Random:  My patient today called me "biggie."  That felt -- awesome.
How much I love when people completely removed from the real life, real time doing of things create solutions for problems that arise during that time.  I realize this is an endless problem in allll kinds of areas but I'm particularly perturbed when I feel like the enforcement of such "solutions" gets in the way of me actually doing my damn job.

I tried watching the meteor shower in the cold tonight but it just seems too cloudy. 

Tomorrow I'm calling HR at the other hospital I applied at. 

I watched Julie & Julia over the course of 2 evenings.  I enjoyed it - loved Julie's apartment and Amy Adams was cute and it made me hungry/want to cook but I kept finding myself twitchy and ..  annoyed? with the blog blog blog, comments, whatever aspect.


So there ya go.  Roommate and I have gotten into this terrible habit of staying up until nearly dawn on our days off.  It's 2:30 now and that feels reasonable still.  There have been a few nights when we go to bed around 5 or 6 and sort of blink at each other wondering when Beebs will wake up for the day and we'll be called to duty.

Anyway, I'm babbling on -- give me some of your insider tips for Christmas gift-giving and how you keep some of the magic.  Are you buying only handmade?  Do you bake/make treats for everyone?  Do you refrain from gift-exchanging?  Does it feel forced if I end a post with a bunch of advice-seeking questions?  Would you prefer I simply hopped over to ask meta for these answers?  Maybe I need some friends?
yes yes and yes.  xoxo

Advice:

I should wander over to metafilter because I LOVE reading people's responses to questions on there.  They have like every topic!  I found one recently via notMartha that is clever relationship hacks.  Loved reading these.
Anyway, we are constantly in a state of mulling over buying a house - ever since last year when my family was 100% discouraging over the topic and we decided to just move into this lower rent apartment to buy us some time and save us some money.  I just want to hear all your ideas and thoughts and opinions on the topic.  I'm terrified of the debt and the commitment.  We need more room and a yard and a happy home for a dog.  :) 

Best coffee:  The Roasterie's Nitro.  YUM.  So dark and delicious.

"That's why Elmo chases the cheese."

Posting 2 days in a row?!

I got up this morning and got started on some passive productiveness.  I started a load of laundry with my wonderful, brilliant-smelling, only-need-a-lil'-bit, BioKleen detergent.  It smells so good with grapefruit seed and orange peel extracts.  Delightful!  I used their limey bac-out when the cat peed on some of Beebs' stuffed animals.  He has since peed on her owly pillow Roommate's mom made for her.  Argh!  Anyway, just sayin', got that passive cleaning thing going with the machines. 

Roommate headed off to work and I settled down with coffee and a book.  I've been reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter.  I like it but I'm ready to finish it.  Next I want to read this Jon Krakauer book my BIL was telling me he read. 

Totally overwhelmed by Christmas shopping.  Low on funds and wanting to be super-creative/thoughtful but just...sort of at a loss.  I was looking at some Etsy shops that make really adorable kids' clothes and shoes and such but one shirt will be like $105.00.  Um..I'd love to support you but holy cow, man! 

When it is cold outside it is so hard for me to be motivated.  All I want to do is be nestled inside warm.  I want cuddly blankets and a cuddly baby and books and soup and naps.  I've been over-indulging in such gluttonous things as I have all these glorious days off work.  I worked my normal amount of shifts but then I got canceled on Sunday due to low census and thus will have 7 days off in a row.  I am SO grateful.  Happy birthday to me!  One more day off and then back to work.  I'll try not to be filled with The Dread.  It's inevitable though.  The day before, evening before I go to work is usually a somewhat depressing time.  It's ridiculous to be that way and also, a really big waste of time and energy.  I will try REALLY hard not to be that way.  I just need to be productive and enjoy this time off and get rested and then I'll work. 

So many people around me with December birthdays!!  It's fun!  Oh!  Oh my gosh.  Yesterday, I had uploaded like 8 million photos that I'd like to print for myself and family members for Christmas.  I created a flickr account unassociated with anything else I do - just for pictures and apparently I picked a name I'd never, ever, ever remember - a name I'd never used for anything else and that's idiotic because I tried over and over and over and all different methods of retrieving the username and could NOT log in and I was so irritated because it's a pro account I PAID for and just when I was ready to give up, I tried this TOTALLY random name and...voila!  What was I thinking?!  Anyway.  glugh.  Need to order those.  Would people be disappointed if they only got photos of my kid for Christmas?  ha. 

Did I tell you I applied for another new job?  I haven't heard from them.  I don't know if I should call?  Talk to HR?  Or..I don't know?  The job is at a different hospital in a TOTALLY different area.  It's a night position - which scares me because I don't want a night position really but..temporarily.  I already typed about this on here..didn't I? 

It's sleeting now.  I'd prefer a heap of snow..not ice, thanks.
So anyway.  We'll be here today.  We'll eat some leftover soup and read our library books we got yesterday..and we'll finish this episode of Sesame Street and maybe I'll do some online shopping.  I hate going shopping!! 

Any great gift ideas?  Why does everything seem so expensive? 

30 is the new New.

I had a really great birthday.  When my roommate was manning the oven Saturday night baking the frozen pizzas I picked up as my contribution to the potluck, I felt so loved and full of love for him.  It just felt so kind and thoughtful that while people were arriving and talking and hanging out he was doing that for us. 

Something feels shifted in me.  I told Roommate that 30 is like a Happy New Year of life.  Sometimes we need a concrete refresh.  Turning 30 pressed my life's F5.  Last night we were just generally cozy and loving on one another here at home and Beebs was just..delightful.  We had music on and she'd twirl in circles and get low and tilt her head side to side and she'd hold our hands and jump jump jump.  At this particular moment she was running between Roommate and I - as fast as she could - arms out wide, running into him, crashing into him, burying her face in his legs and giggling before spinning around to come headlong at me - lather, rinse, repeat.  Tears welled up as she ran back and forth.  I felt so overcome with love for her and for him. 

We are not going to muddle along drowning in my daily complaints and mood swings.  I am going to move forward with career goals and life goals.  K emailed me, a toast to the new decade, an encouragement to go after my goals.  I'm going.

I visited my psychiatrist on Friday morning.  I had to cancel my last appointment due to work and I hadn't rescheduled yet and I fell into that place I fall when I'm feeling sort of guilty and full of dread.  I intentionally called their office the day they were closed and after hours.  My doctor called me back that evening and said she'd gotten my message and when could she see me.  I returned her call a week later and left another message, again, intentionally - avoiding.  Her husband (her office manager) left me a message and then called the next morning to follow-up with me.  He's so kind.  They are so kind.  I made the appointment, dreaded it a couple days and then Friday morning came.  All I could think about were the 800 things I needed to do before friends came over Saturday.  I felt pressed for time.  I didn't feel like talking. 

Fifty minutes later my heart felt open and I felt renewed.  My doctor is wonderful.  At the end of our appointment she told me to gather my flowers.  I keep repeating that to myself. 

then & now

Hello, Good Morning!

Roommate wrote me a little note and put it next to the coffee pot.  It says "Happy Birthday Eve Eve."  He's nice.  There was also a fresh pot of coffee in that pot...granted he made that for himself before work but STILL, I woke up to coffee and a note!  Actually, I woke up to Beebs saying "Hiiieee!  Hieeee!!"  She then started requesting "Street!  Street!"  I know, whatever!  She likes to start her day with a little Sesame Street.  Who doesn't?!  Don't answer that.

If you haven't had me shove it down your throat already -- Here is my Wish List!  Hey, you can get me something for my 30th birthday!!  Or you can just look to see what impeccable taste I have.  Either way - WIN!  My inner stalker loves to see other people's wish lists.

I just worked 3 shifts in a row and it was tough, man.  Ha.  I'm a wimp.  Twelve hour days.  Woo!  So annoyed by the nonsensical decisions people in charge make.  I never know if it's just a matter of stupidity or flexing their in-charge muscles or what but they do things that make NO sense. 

I applied for a job in labor & delivery last week.  Heh.  We'll see what happens.  The idea makes me really excited BUT the position is nights and I can't do that long-term but people are generally waiting to get on day shift so maybe I could do it temporarily?  I just feel like I'd be "gone" twice as much then - gone to work and then "gone" trying to sleep during the day. 

I'm really excited about 30, guys!  Two more days.  Saturday is the DAY! 
Very happy 30th birthday to Liz at the who cares girl today!!
I'm having friends over Saturday night for a potluck.  I know this sounds like I'm turning 80 instead of 30 but it just sounded so cozy and relaxed.  It's going to be cold and we're all gonna need some money for the holidays so let's just be warm & merry. 

OH, also I started my period at work yesterday.  This was a problem because I carry my wallet and keys and that's it when I'm not with daughter so I had no protection to speak of.  This left me putting a queen size peri [mattress] pad in my underwear - the kind they give you after you've given birth - the kind that covers you navel to tail.  Happy birthday to me!  My last period started the day before we left on our longass roadtrip to Texas.  I must get relaxed and then my body's like ahh yeah, here we go.  You know, when the innards are in there discussing function and timing and such.  Like, oh I dunno, should we give her gas right NOW?  But she's all bent over trying to change this bloody bandage and her pants are already falling off a bit..the gas?  now?  OK!  Let's do it!

I think we really might go ahead and buy a new bed.  We both head to bed with a major feeling of dread.  It's so awful!  I know it's expensive but sleep is important!! 

Doesn't soup sound good?  Or curry and rice.  Mmm!!