good morning!!!

well hello there!
good thursday to you!!

It's 6 am and I'm headed off to work here in just a bit.  I've been up since 3:30 this morning.  I popped up and looked at the clock (first mistake) assuming my alarm was about to go off as that is usually the case but no..it wasn't...glorious!  I could go back to sleep.  I turned over and nestled into warm little Beebs and began to obsessively fret about work and the possibility of a new job and would I be able to talk myself out of feeling like a failure if I discover Labor & Delivery is not for me?  What if, like Kelly said, it'd be so clinical that maybe my dreamy ideas of birth would get tossed out the window for what my job requires?  Would birth lose its magic? 

One of the great aspects of this job is..after 6 months of straight L&D I can then crosstrain in Mother Baby and choose to float there if I'd like to pick up shifts.  I think that'd be an excellent opportunity to sample from both and then decide.  I have to do this.  I have to try L&D and then make my decision.  I'll regret it if I don't try it.  I'm no adrenaline junkie (as much as I might admire those that are).  I'm just not.  I felt a pang of guilt when the director pretty much said that was required of the job but I disagree.  I might be wrong but I think there are a whole bunch of types of women and pregnancies and labors and births and different types of people are needed. 

Work feels exhausting right now and I feel cheated if I'm there and the weather is nice.  ha.  I know that once there are more nice days that won't feel the case.  They just seem like such a rarity right now that I'm all MUST ENJOY!  Yesterday was hard.  I only started with 5, discharged 3, admitted 3 more and just felt worn out at the end.  Multiple feeding tubes and trachs and severe dementia and mentally handicapped and comatose and wow, split this load up a little.  I'll have the same people today as we generally keep our patients day to day.  I feel a little bit of dread but also obligated to like..pull for these people and take good care of them.  You might not guess that if you saw me during the times when I'm gristling about at work but I think that's what makes it SO hard sometimes -- the sense of..  not obligation but..kind of?  Like it's not an option to just flat out suck and not take that home with me and it's so busy ..  so BUSY that it makes it hard.  When I have 6 patients that need a lot, it's hard to take care of all those needs in a timely fashion and keep everyone feeling taken care of.  Generally they start to feel like I'm taking a little longer than they would like and they get grumpy and complain and I feel like a failure and the cycle of ugly continues.  Nursing is a cool job.  It really is.  I've seen some really cool stuff, sad stuff, awesome recoveries, tragedies, miracles, mundane, drug seeking, whiney, joyful, blessed, grateful, thankful. 

It's going to be a good day.