Self-indulgent post about my job, feel free to skip it.

I was just looking at some birth photos on a lovely blog I found via Robina @ Small Things Grow (one of my absolute favorite blogs).  It spurred on some contemplating about why I am not feeling It at my new job.  I think some of the It will come in time but there is this anxiety that comes up in me I cannot hardly describe.  I know I keep trying here and it mostly kind of comes out as wah wah wah tired wah cry cry.  My new job, working on Labor & Delivery is dramatically different than my former unit and it's better but the stress I feel is overwhelming.  There are large portions of the day where I feel my heart pounding so fast in my chest and I have to consciously think about breathing, again, slower, breathe.  I send panicked text messages from the bathroom to my mom and she texts back faithfully telling me to speak positive words over myself.  My mom doesn't usually talk like that - she's more of a "stop talking that way" sort of person but she's given me concrete suggestions about how to feel better about work.

Oh I have some much trouble putting this into words!  On my old unit I had this "gah, this place sucks" feeling and now I have a feeling of "holy shit I'm going to screw this all up!  what if I'm not fast enough?!" -- maybe it's the constant time crunch that exists when managing multiple laboring patients.

I'm tired of Pitocin.  Tired of inductions.  Am I allowed to say that here?  I am one that hasn't really ever considered a home birth but I feel like I "get it" and understand people that do.  At work I often feel like The Bad Guy.

I have to stop trying to explain.  I can't get out the words.  My job is consuming me in a way I hate.  I'm tired of feeling panicked and sick every time I think about going to work.  I'm trying hard to determine if it's the job or if it's me.  I've never had a job I loved.  Am I just lame?  Not good at handling high stress situations?  I want to be with my daughter more.  

My dad died 4 years ago today.  On one hand that seems so far away and on the other, it seems so fresh.
Here's September of that year.  I just read all those posts.  I think I missed 2 or 3 days of nursing school the week he died?  How in the hell did I not flunk out of nursing school?  I just kept going.  It was a 1 year accelerated program to get my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.  That sounds snotty I'm just sort of amazed I didn't flunk out!  Now here I am, a nurse, 4 years later, having been a nurse for 3 years and complaining about my job....not again but still.