Saturday morning. I woke up at 5 today - my day off - which made me a little sad but I was also excited because yay! Gettin' a jump on the day! I was lying in bed thinking about the coffee I was going to drink and the productive activities I would dive into but um so far...coffee. Currently using my new phone (yay!) to connect to the internet on the laptop via PdaNet. New phone is a serious upgrade from the Razr I was using. I love it! Enough of that.
Work handed my ass to me yesterday. It was non-stop crazy. I just wanted to fall into a heap when I got home. Can I just tell you as an aside that it really is amazing when a baby comes healthy. There are lots of things that can go wrong and while often, none of those things happen, sometimes they do and sometimes it's awful, really, really awful. It is unbelievable. We have had patients that have had a completely uneventful, normal pregnancy and at 39 weeks with their full term babies, something happens and the baby is gone. Sometimes they can't even find a reason why but these big, beautiful, perfect looking babies are just gone. Heart..broken.
I've been mulling it over and while it makes me feel like a failure, I don't think I'll stay in Labor & Delivery. I don't get off on that adrenaline rush. Frankly it makes me feel like I am suffocating. My pt's baby was having a lot of heart decelerations during labor the other day and none of my interventions were helping and my chest felt like it was closing. I was so aware of my heart beating and the sensation that I couldn't breathe I just kept asking myself in my head, what is this feeling? What's wrong with me? Is this anxiety? Am I ill? What's happening? I do not enjoy that feeling. It might be absurd for me to feel it and it's hard for me to accept that maybe I am just not cut out for this position. I still think nursing is a great fit for me but I do think at some point in the not-so-far future I'll leave the hospital. I don't yet know how to make that happen and there are lots of other factors involved in making that idea a reality. Now that I have a daughter and a mortgage and a marriage too, I can't just decide I'm done and throw in the towel as I have done on several occasions (though what a liberating feeling that is!). When I quit working at the bank (the job I got just after starting this blog) I just stopped showing up, ignored their phone calls and dropped my keys in the night deposit box. A nice big F you.
There's something about nursing that makes me feel flawed, more specifically, soft. I work my ass off there and think that I am generally outwardly calm while completely freaking out on the inside but I hate that stress and it comes home with me. It sits on top of me in the car and barrels in my front door with me. It sleeps next to me and snakes into my dreams.
I ask myself constantly, is it just me? Is this just part of the quest? Is it more admirable to be a hardass and stoic? More admirable if you thrive in an intense critical setting? If so, who am I hoping will admire me? My family certainly won't love me less if I'm less stressed. heh. Will someone make me this, please? I'll let you have a taste.
I'm drinking slightly-less-than-room-temp coffee and wondering what we'll do today. I look forward to any day with my little family SO much. I work 6 out of 8 days next week. Remember, I work 12 hour days so I'm gonna go ahead and whine that working 6 out of 8 days sucks balls. Ah well.
Going to cook something wonderful today. Not sure what but something warm. And maybe pie. The beauty of a blog like my own is that I can try to convince myself it's ok if I complain a bit and try to sort things out. Reading is always optional and on occasion I go back and read such posts and something resonates or I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm no longer complaining about whatever that was or tsk tsk myself for still, always, again...about That.
I have a legacy of abandoning certain jobs and commitments in a variety of ways. Like you, there's no way I can just abandon things now, though I don't have any kids … just the house and marriage part. I'm pretty sure I have just abandoned graduate school, so I'm feeling really ___. My reasons are completely justified to me, but I haven't shared them with anyone really, including teacher or academic peers.
ReplyDeleteBut, nursing has always seemed overly emotional/difficult to me, so I never tried it. It sounds exactly like you are not able to handle certain anxiety … and that's not a flaw, just a thing, like maybe I'm not able to handle running a marathon. Because if you're doing all the tools / interventions / procedures that are possible on someone and it doesn't work / their health declines anyway, it shouldn't be stressing you out in such a way that you can't let it go or that you have such a severe anxiety attack inside.
And if I trained every day but still couldn't pull off more than 5 miles, maybe that's just that. Like I said, though, I can't imagine being in charge of anyone's life / health. It's the one thing I can rely on when my job is ___ — "it's not like anyone is going to die." So, yeah, no nursing for me.
I get tired about our culture's "never too late to __" or "you can do anything if you just put your mind to it." I'm pretty sure that's a silly statement b/c it's absolute. No, there are _some_ things some people can't do (and maintain mental / physical health). It seems you've put your mind to this a lot, and maybe you'll "grow into / out of it" some day just by the virtue of experience and age … but for now sounds like you need to find a way to make sure the stress stays outside your house when you come home from work : )
I can't believe you're gonna work 72 hours next week : (
Props!
your worries about not being as hard as other nurses or whatever the accepted value system is in nursing remind me a lot of my own career challenges. i feel like i'm constantly worried about what i'm supposed to be like, the 'corporate' acceptable thing to say/do/whatever. and i'm just so over feeling that way. there are a lot of ways to be a tech writer and corporate 9 to 5 is just one way -- and what i'm refusing to do is accept the idea that i'm not what's needed here. that i'm not as good because i'm not as likeable or i'm too creative or engaged or whatever. i'm sick of the world telling me who i am meant to be -- in a job, in parenting, in marriage, in life. i'm starting this journey to find ways to maximize the things that i AM and stop hitting my head against the roadblocks or things I'm NOT. I refuse to believe that my approach isn't needed just because it's different than others. And I say the same to you, mama. YOU are what's needed there. If only as the voice of humanity in a barren landscape of nurse who consider themselves tough. I've spent a lot of time in life being the tough one -- and you miss out on a lot of beauty and learning that way. hugs to you and support for your journey wherever you go with it.
ReplyDeleteDo you think you'll go into midwifery or become a doula--somehow still connect w/ mamas and babes?
ReplyDelete