healin' up.

Here's a non-exhaustive list of things we've been eating and enjoying while I'm sick.  We're all a bit sick and have been for awhile.  When I went to the doctor this week I was expecting them to pat me on the back, nod sympathetically and give me their best recipe for chicken soup but instead they did a chest x-ray and sinus x-ray and told me I have pneumonia.  Huh?!  My lungs have been absolutely musical these past few days.  Beebs has had a fever off and on and is a wee bit on the grumpy side though I think part of this is just boredom/cabin fever.  I got really nervous that she was/is going to get really sick and I feel like it's my fault.  I also feel like an ass for going to work when sick like this all because I was afraid of getting in trouble at work for having too many absences.  Roommate's job allows 3 sick days/year.  I'd really be in trouble if I worked there!  How many sick days/year does your job allow?

Oh yeah!  The list.  Sidetracked.  I've been craving spice and flavor!  My sense of taste is off and on.  Today I was thinking about tacos.  Mmm.. 

• Greek yogurt (always and forever a favorite) with Bob's Red Mill granola and honey
• Black bean burritos, lotsa cilantro
• sleepytime tea
• whole wheat bagels & dill dip
• Bob's Red Mill (love you, Bob) Vegi Soup.  Wanted to prepare this 800 ways, went with just plain veggie broth and ate it with curry sprinkled on top - I accidentally overcooked it and it was not soupy.  It's super tasty!  Beebs enjoyed it too.  Has green & yellow split peas, barley, lentils & little ABC vegetable pastas!  
• Baked banana bread today
• zucchini roasted in the oven
• strawberry kefir.  i definitely have been making sure to replace some good bacteria while i'm on antibiotics.  

It's snowing like crazy right now - clumps of snow!!  It's absolutely swirling.  We are in a shaken snow globe.

Coming to you from somewhere under a white heap of Kleenex.

Hellllloooo.
I am just here at home, drowning in my own snot.  I'm wondering if the Mucinex I took to help with my chest congestion has possibly increased my nasal congestion?  Is that possible?  I should ask a nurse..
You should've seen how ridiculous I looked after work yesterday.  I had a fever and it's going on 9 pm and I'm standing at Walgreens where I'm absolutely shivering with chills and I'm staring at the 800 kinds of medicine aimed at mucous and all I could think is, I wish I had someone that knows what they're doing to help me choose here.  heh.  This must come from following too many doctors' orders. 

I was supposed to be at work today but I called in last night because of the fever.  I'm using PTO (paid time off) for today and it's dwindling and somehow that all makes me feel like a huge loser.  I've been whiney while feeling so sick and then berate myself for all the complaining.  Roommate's also getting sick again.  I think I'd built up a pretty good immunity to lots of this crap.  It's been a long time since I had all this upper respiratory junk. 

I'm watching Lydia make pasta.

When I'm well, my director said I can go shadow on the unit I put in for a transfer on. 
I hope that the unit and I will like each other. 
I am painfully ready for a new job.
My face hurts.
I'm wearing a hot flax pack on my neck.
I have a honey & herb ricola cough drop in my mouth.
I'm wearing this ugly blue shirt with black crows and trees on it and brown gaucho pants.
My hair is in a knot at the back of my head.
Last night I dreamt we were on an airplane and we were taking off and the airplane was...a convertible.  I buckled my seatbelt.
What is tumblr?  You share links/photos? 
I've been getting crazy bad headaches only on the left side of my head. 
I love watching people cook.
I have a mug of sleepytime tea and a roll of toilet paper.
last night I fell asleep with the laptop on my lap and almost dropped it on the floor.
In the middle of the night I woke up and spilled my gatorade all over the coffee table and my pants and the floor.
Check out this mama in her red dress.
Ahh. blueberry farm.
I'm ready to be well and when does spring come?

Oh the seasons..

Dude.  I think I'm over winter.  I relish in some of the cozier days spent at home with Beebs where we do things like take warm baths and bake bread and read books in blankets and watch Charlie and Lola in bed and I get to watch her eat handfuls of snow and we make cocoa and it seems like a holiday but other than that, I'm ready for Spring!  Spring, with a curly cue on the S and a daisy dotting the i and grass growing on the g. 

I've been spending my days caught up in a hyper awareness of the magic that is the now and also dreaming about the future.  Just like when I was younger and afraid to admit that deep longing I had for a child someday, I'm now afraid to admit that longing again.  A friend assures me I merely think that because my baby's no longer a baby but it's more than that.  I never realized how much I'd love being a mom and I so want a sibling for Beebs.  It's not time yet but someday! 

I know this is silly but it hurts my feelings a tiny bit when I send a personal email to a friend asking questions and such la la la and never receive a response.  There are a few people I have attempted cultivating friendships with and they're just plain too busy for it to go anywhere and I end up feeling like a dorky teenage boy with unrequited love. 

You know how I wrote that post a few days ago about the farm and the land and the chickens and the don't knows?  Well..my mom put her house and land up for sale.  I'm simultaneously sad and also excited for her to have a concrete moving on, away from the home and life she had with my dad, away from the completely overwhelming load of work for one single person.  She said she's tired of feeling so isolated. 

In our scarf-covered neck of the woods.

I'm good enough! I'm smart enough! And doggone it people like me! I swear.

So I've finally dug into Mondo Beyondo.  I'm at least 3 weeks "behind" but refusing to look at it that way as of last night.  ((More on Mondo Beyondo to the right))  I am going to come as I am and totally let myself off the hook as directed.  There's no right or wrong here and I really feel like it is all gain. 

Through one of the exercises last night I realized a) how much I compare myself to others and b) some of my core values I was unaware of.  Sometimes I read about what others are doing and I go from there like oh, good idea!  I'll try that!  But it goes beyond that.  I sometimes feel paralyzed.  I start to believe that I'm basically incapable of making a decision and thus need the input of 10+ other people before I decide what's best for myself.  Maybe part of this stems from having bossy, opinionated parents?  I'm really not sure.  It's definitely related to my complete lack of confidence in myself and anything I do. 

The exercise I did last night asked us to pick 2 people we admire and write down all the qualities about those people we like.  We then chose 5 of those that jumped out at us or seemed important.  I realized that the majority of the qualities I chose boiled down to being respected and having the ability to know what they want and go after it without too much thought on what others' perceptions may be.  My dear friend and co-worker, K, is so smart.  She's an amazing nurse and I am forever envious that doctors know her name, ask her questions, ask her to come work in their offices!  There are some docs I've been working with daily for the past 2+ years and each time I talk to them I'm fairly sure they have no idea who I am and whether I started working yesterday.  Gah, this could just spiral down.  I just admire that they respect her.  I also have no doubt that if I were working in an area I was really, truly passionate about, some of those things would come natural?  Does that make sense?  I'm passionate about nursing and while I feel guilty about this thought, I am not passionate about the unit/specialty I'm working in right now. 

When I do my Mondo Beyondo exercises, I make myself do them on my own before I read what anyone else has had to say about their lesson, responses, comments, reactions.  This has been very, very eye-opening!  I surprise myself.  I go back and see what others say and realize that I've had some good insight all on my very own. 

Another lesson sought out our energy sources.  Things that make us feel good, build us up, pull us out of a funk.  Here's my list:

* Good smells - earthy, natural, anything that makes me feel hippy'ish
* Music!
* Making myself a good cup of coffee
* Looking at photos like SouleMama's
* Being outside
* Finding sunshine, windows open
* Talking to Beebs, engaging her - listening
* Daydreaming - about more kids, about owning a house, having chickens
* Wearing pigtails
* Watching a good documentary - so comforting!

I'm learning how to dream big and a very large portion of that learning for me right now is tapping into myself alone to discover what my dreams really are.  It's not finding out whether I'm also interested in what others are dreaming about.  This feels so freeing.  It feels so good to talk to my husband about something like buying a home and discuss what he and I want, not what books or the internet or others recommend for us.  This isn't to say that we don't research things.  Knowledge is power, right?  I just mean..you know what I mean?