9.18.2010
9.16.2010
Turn, turn, turn..
Good morning. Yesterday was a day off (the first of 3!!) and it was wonderful. More on that but I was remembering yesterday, when I felt so calm (I always feel calm that first day if there are more to follow..when I know I can do whatever, exhaust myself, play, nap, etc and still have time in those next 2 days). I relish 3 days off so much.
On Tuesday I had 3 deliveries and that doesn't sound like much I guess but 3 babies born in 12 hours was pretty busy. But I was saying, yesterday, I remembered that last week I was on my period. I cried and cried and lamented my job and sent so many panicked texts to my mom about my job and I remember at one point, she said something about hormones raging out of control sometimes when we don't even realize it and she had no idea I was on my period and this week I do feel different. heh. It never crossed my mind that yeah, err..maybe that was affecting my mood? I've never seen myself as one of those people that gives a warning shout that I'm on my period and I don't generally pick-up on any noticeably different mood. Anyway, perspective, etc.
Some people don't like posts that outline another's day but I find I generally love them.
Beebs and I slept in a bit. This part was particularly lovely because the windows were open and it was raining and thundering and gah, glorious! When I got up to pee she sat up and said no, come back to bed! haha. Uh..no problem. We ended up wandering downstairs and I made coffee and Beebs watched some Charlie & Lola. We had edged TV out as part of our morning routine because it had gotten routine. Coffee & some internet for or her dad/TV for her. When we realized it had become the norm we quickly switched things up and stopped that, making sure we did other things as soon as we got up, going outside to play, playing in her room, whatever.
Slow morning, we played with play doh, baked cookies, had lunch, read books, played downstairs in the Ball Room. A good portion of our basement here is finished and it has a bunch of Beebs' balls, big and little, and it's wide open right now so a perfect place to run and play and kick. In the afternoon we nestled up in bed and watched My Neighbor Totoro. We enjoyed Ponyo so much I figured this one would be a hit and it was. Oh my gosh, this blog post is boring the hell outta me. We had a lovely dinner out with friends, a pregnant friend and her husband. They mused that there seems to be a baby boom going on right now. I can attest that we've been very busy at the hospital. My cousin's wife had a baby yesterday, my dear, dear friend K is due Saturday, my other cousin's wife is having a baby and my BFF is having twins. Not to mention the internet pals that are expecting. Yowzaz.
Embracing Fall full on. I checked out a bunch of pumpkin/pumpkin patch/halloween/fall books from the Library and the Charlie & Lola disc is the one with a Halloween episode. I'm still reading Edgar Sawtelle and am totally in love with it. I have a pile on my nightstand including the first of the Sookie Stackhouse series and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I almost couldn't bring myself to check out the latter because it's been insanely popular but eh, I'm probably gonna read it.
Right now it's cool in here with the windows open. The trees out back look sun dappled. So thankful to feel calm and happy today. Being around my kid is lovely. I'm such a dork but sometimes at work I think about how funny she is and how much I enjoy just...being around her. Thanks for reading all my blah blah.
Here's a photo for your trouble. It's a big bumblebee in a squash blossom. If you look at it big big I bet you can see some pollen on it!
On Tuesday I had 3 deliveries and that doesn't sound like much I guess but 3 babies born in 12 hours was pretty busy. But I was saying, yesterday, I remembered that last week I was on my period. I cried and cried and lamented my job and sent so many panicked texts to my mom about my job and I remember at one point, she said something about hormones raging out of control sometimes when we don't even realize it and she had no idea I was on my period and this week I do feel different. heh. It never crossed my mind that yeah, err..maybe that was affecting my mood? I've never seen myself as one of those people that gives a warning shout that I'm on my period and I don't generally pick-up on any noticeably different mood. Anyway, perspective, etc.
Some people don't like posts that outline another's day but I find I generally love them.
Beebs and I slept in a bit. This part was particularly lovely because the windows were open and it was raining and thundering and gah, glorious! When I got up to pee she sat up and said no, come back to bed! haha. Uh..no problem. We ended up wandering downstairs and I made coffee and Beebs watched some Charlie & Lola. We had edged TV out as part of our morning routine because it had gotten routine. Coffee & some internet for or her dad/TV for her. When we realized it had become the norm we quickly switched things up and stopped that, making sure we did other things as soon as we got up, going outside to play, playing in her room, whatever.
Slow morning, we played with play doh, baked cookies, had lunch, read books, played downstairs in the Ball Room. A good portion of our basement here is finished and it has a bunch of Beebs' balls, big and little, and it's wide open right now so a perfect place to run and play and kick. In the afternoon we nestled up in bed and watched My Neighbor Totoro. We enjoyed Ponyo so much I figured this one would be a hit and it was. Oh my gosh, this blog post is boring the hell outta me. We had a lovely dinner out with friends, a pregnant friend and her husband. They mused that there seems to be a baby boom going on right now. I can attest that we've been very busy at the hospital. My cousin's wife had a baby yesterday, my dear, dear friend K is due Saturday, my other cousin's wife is having a baby and my BFF is having twins. Not to mention the internet pals that are expecting. Yowzaz.
Embracing Fall full on. I checked out a bunch of pumpkin/pumpkin patch/halloween/fall books from the Library and the Charlie & Lola disc is the one with a Halloween episode. I'm still reading Edgar Sawtelle and am totally in love with it. I have a pile on my nightstand including the first of the Sookie Stackhouse series and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I almost couldn't bring myself to check out the latter because it's been insanely popular but eh, I'm probably gonna read it.
Right now it's cool in here with the windows open. The trees out back look sun dappled. So thankful to feel calm and happy today. Being around my kid is lovely. I'm such a dork but sometimes at work I think about how funny she is and how much I enjoy just...being around her. Thanks for reading all my blah blah.
Here's a photo for your trouble. It's a big bumblebee in a squash blossom. If you look at it big big I bet you can see some pollen on it!
9.12.2010
Self-indulgent post about my job, feel free to skip it.
I was just looking at some birth photos on a lovely blog I found via Robina @ Small Things Grow (one of my absolute favorite blogs). It spurred on some contemplating about why I am not feeling It at my new job. I think some of the It will come in time but there is this anxiety that comes up in me I cannot hardly describe. I know I keep trying here and it mostly kind of comes out as wah wah wah tired wah cry cry. My new job, working on Labor & Delivery is dramatically different than my former unit and it's better but the stress I feel is overwhelming. There are large portions of the day where I feel my heart pounding so fast in my chest and I have to consciously think about breathing, again, slower, breathe. I send panicked text messages from the bathroom to my mom and she texts back faithfully telling me to speak positive words over myself. My mom doesn't usually talk like that - she's more of a "stop talking that way" sort of person but she's given me concrete suggestions about how to feel better about work.
Oh I have some much trouble putting this into words! On my old unit I had this "gah, this place sucks" feeling and now I have a feeling of "holy shit I'm going to screw this all up! what if I'm not fast enough?!" -- maybe it's the constant time crunch that exists when managing multiple laboring patients.
I'm tired of Pitocin. Tired of inductions. Am I allowed to say that here? I am one that hasn't really ever considered a home birth but I feel like I "get it" and understand people that do. At work I often feel like The Bad Guy.
I have to stop trying to explain. I can't get out the words. My job is consuming me in a way I hate. I'm tired of feeling panicked and sick every time I think about going to work. I'm trying hard to determine if it's the job or if it's me. I've never had a job I loved. Am I just lame? Not good at handling high stress situations? I want to be with my daughter more.
My dad died 4 years ago today. On one hand that seems so far away and on the other, it seems so fresh.
Here's September of that year. I just read all those posts. I think I missed 2 or 3 days of nursing school the week he died? How in the hell did I not flunk out of nursing school? I just kept going. It was a 1 year accelerated program to get my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. That sounds snotty I'm just sort of amazed I didn't flunk out! Now here I am, a nurse, 4 years later, having been a nurse for 3 years and complaining about my job....not again but still.
Oh I have some much trouble putting this into words! On my old unit I had this "gah, this place sucks" feeling and now I have a feeling of "holy shit I'm going to screw this all up! what if I'm not fast enough?!" -- maybe it's the constant time crunch that exists when managing multiple laboring patients.
I'm tired of Pitocin. Tired of inductions. Am I allowed to say that here? I am one that hasn't really ever considered a home birth but I feel like I "get it" and understand people that do. At work I often feel like The Bad Guy.
I have to stop trying to explain. I can't get out the words. My job is consuming me in a way I hate. I'm tired of feeling panicked and sick every time I think about going to work. I'm trying hard to determine if it's the job or if it's me. I've never had a job I loved. Am I just lame? Not good at handling high stress situations? I want to be with my daughter more.
My dad died 4 years ago today. On one hand that seems so far away and on the other, it seems so fresh.
Here's September of that year. I just read all those posts. I think I missed 2 or 3 days of nursing school the week he died? How in the hell did I not flunk out of nursing school? I just kept going. It was a 1 year accelerated program to get my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. That sounds snotty I'm just sort of amazed I didn't flunk out! Now here I am, a nurse, 4 years later, having been a nurse for 3 years and complaining about my job....not again but still.
9.08.2010
Deciphering
I don't really know what this space is to me anymore. It once felt intimate and then it felt far away and now it feels confused. I'm muddling through right now. It felt like I was marching forward -- in life? and now I'm sort of shuffling around in a circle. I have been feeling profoundly sad for no distinct reason. Being unsure of my own reason and knowing others' very distinct reasons for sadness right now has left me feeling guilty and again like I am ungrateful.
I spent so much time deciding on storage for Beebs' room that the one I've chosen the store no longer carries. I cannot tell you how many times this exact scenario plays out for me. I mull and mull and finally decide Yes! but it's too late.
I'm going to work every day just a little bit on something that is a part of making our house a home. During our days of renting everything felt temporary because essentially, it was. We knew we wouldn't be staying there for long so either we didn't bother with settling/decorating a lot or I did just whatever felt good, ya know? Now we own this place and I feel like I've got to plan or something? What is this feeling? I contemplate every nail hole like it'll be there forever. This house was built in the 40's -- it's seen lots of nail holes. I'm pretty sure that if I hang something and don't like it I can change it and yet I am stuck! I have hung one picture and it is in our bathroom. Do you hear this feeling I have? What do you call it? I have plans for one particular wall in our living room and I think about my plans and first I must print some photos and then I need frames and then I'll have to measure? Figure out how to arrange them? Simple! COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING! I am absurd. Perhaps my job sucks out all of my .. err.. capabilities. If I were reading these words from someone else I might pause and ponder whether that person qualified as a lazy sod.
Anyway. Will someone point me to reasonably priced rugs that will cozy up some of my hardwood floors? I'd like a large one for Beebs' room for her to sit and play on and I'd like one for our living room.
I'm crying. Just like that. Gah. So much self-loathing. That cannot be tolerated. My daughter will know. She'll see it, she'll be it! My magical girl.
Here's the chair I want. It seems quite expensive. I've never paid so much for a chair. Will I regret the colors? The chairs in "Surf" and "Bethesda" are also lovely! The chair is 15% off right now -- should I buy it or just wait until it's out of stock to say Yes! Oh! I'm realizing they have new prints I haven't seen before. Gah! Robin's Egg blue! Also loving the John Derian stuff at Target. I hadn't even heard of it until this evening I saw some of the storage crates. I'm dying to have the moth one.
My brain. It's a mess.
I spent so much time deciding on storage for Beebs' room that the one I've chosen the store no longer carries. I cannot tell you how many times this exact scenario plays out for me. I mull and mull and finally decide Yes! but it's too late.
I'm going to work every day just a little bit on something that is a part of making our house a home. During our days of renting everything felt temporary because essentially, it was. We knew we wouldn't be staying there for long so either we didn't bother with settling/decorating a lot or I did just whatever felt good, ya know? Now we own this place and I feel like I've got to plan or something? What is this feeling? I contemplate every nail hole like it'll be there forever. This house was built in the 40's -- it's seen lots of nail holes. I'm pretty sure that if I hang something and don't like it I can change it and yet I am stuck! I have hung one picture and it is in our bathroom. Do you hear this feeling I have? What do you call it? I have plans for one particular wall in our living room and I think about my plans and first I must print some photos and then I need frames and then I'll have to measure? Figure out how to arrange them? Simple! COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING! I am absurd. Perhaps my job sucks out all of my .. err.. capabilities. If I were reading these words from someone else I might pause and ponder whether that person qualified as a lazy sod.
Anyway. Will someone point me to reasonably priced rugs that will cozy up some of my hardwood floors? I'd like a large one for Beebs' room for her to sit and play on and I'd like one for our living room.
I'm crying. Just like that. Gah. So much self-loathing. That cannot be tolerated. My daughter will know. She'll see it, she'll be it! My magical girl.
Here's the chair I want. It seems quite expensive. I've never paid so much for a chair. Will I regret the colors? The chairs in "Surf" and "Bethesda" are also lovely! The chair is 15% off right now -- should I buy it or just wait until it's out of stock to say Yes! Oh! I'm realizing they have new prints I haven't seen before. Gah! Robin's Egg blue! Also loving the John Derian stuff at Target. I hadn't even heard of it until this evening I saw some of the storage crates. I'm dying to have the moth one.
My brain. It's a mess.
9.06.2010
In denial.
I've been waiting with open arms for Fall -- for Autumn! I've read other people's dreamy posts on what they love about Fall and what they loved about Summer and I nodded along and sighed in the right places but now I kind of want to take it back? I dreamt of Fall when it still felt far off, in the sense that Summer has been lovely and yes, Fall is lovely too and I was looking forward to it I just..didn't realize it'd appear quite so suddenly. I feel a little sad. I need more time! Fall seems to slip away the quickest. It goes and shows up when I was least expecting it and will leave without saying goodbye, I'm sure of it. I'll be left standing in gray slush.
9.01.2010
Well good morning, September.
The breeze from the front door was so cool this morning that my face was flooded with steam from my coffee. What a beautiful thing. Roommate and I are both off work on this rainy Wednesday morning and it has been just perfect. We had breakfast together with Beebs, we're having coffee together and there's something about the cloudy gray day making her extra snuggly.
Yesterday I got Moosewood Restaurant's Simple Suppers at the library and it is lovely! So many recipes that sound so good for this time of year. I can't wait to make a bunch of the soups and salads. Cooking has been really comforting lately. Beebs loves to help. Yesterday we made homemade pizza. She was eating flour straight outta the bag and loved squishing the dough in her hands. She feels so proud of herself when she gets to stir or dump things in.
Not sure what our plans are for the day but so far so good.
Yesterday I got Moosewood Restaurant's Simple Suppers at the library and it is lovely! So many recipes that sound so good for this time of year. I can't wait to make a bunch of the soups and salads. Cooking has been really comforting lately. Beebs loves to help. Yesterday we made homemade pizza. She was eating flour straight outta the bag and loved squishing the dough in her hands. She feels so proud of herself when she gets to stir or dump things in.
Not sure what our plans are for the day but so far so good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)