To Do List:

Reviving the old art of the to do list. I often shun these because man, they take over! BUT! I have carefully constructed some lately that have more served to just..focus me. I cannot deny that crossing everything off is thrilling.

1. Rustle up b-day cards for J and M and mail - j first, m next week.
2. Return library books that are overdue.
3. buy coffee creamer and coffee beans to make toddy
4. return call from doc's office
5. water garden
6. take Beebs to the creek at SMP

Our sweet girl spent the night at Grandma's last night. She does this every once in awhile and I often cry as we drive away. We just love being around her and always are. She adores going to my mom's house. She has a little basket she takes out to get the eggs. She swims in an old stock tank my mom fills in the yard. They visit the cows. Last night when my mom pulled up in her truck Beebs said "Maybe we could make ice cream. That be a good idea?" They made homemade chocolate ice cream (and probably had it for dinner). My mom said at 7:30 Beebs announced out of nowhere it was bedtime and was asleep before my mom could even read Little Hoot.
((By the way, we are definite fans of Little Hoot, Little Oink and Little Pea.))

Anyway, once we bid her a fond farewell, strapped into her seat in the backseat of Mom's truck, we went and got Roommate some desperately needed new pants, new underwear and socks! Woohoo!! We also got an extension for our garden hose! We ate dinner and came home to have some gin & tonics (I added cucumber to mine!) and watch "Micmacs." I really liked the movie. Same director as "Amelie" and "City of Lost Children." It definitely had that "Amelie look."

I should attempt to be productive and clean or something until Beebs is home. Meh! We slept in and had coffee. Roommate's doing laundry. Can't wait to see her!

Self-love.

Sorry, not that kind.
I was lying in bed last night trying to decipher this funk. I've been unable to just climb out so it seemed like I might as well just try the simple method of working backwards and kind of unraveling how I got here. My conclusion was mostly that I have fallen off the moving wagon which T and I agreed feels bad. It just..feels bad. It's disappointing and physically feels bad. I also have been sorta hatin' on myself. A few weeks ago I had made a conscious effort to embrace all of myself and then work to feel better instead of just feeling like everything's going to suck until I've lost X amt of weight or whatever. I've since fallen into that place that feels more like this: You're a failure. You failed at exercising again. Your scrub pants feel too tight. I bet patients and their family members are appalled when walking behind you to an exam room. Yikes, hope your pants don't split when you bend over to pick up that pen. You're fat and gross. Why would your husband want to have sex with you? I hammer this self-talk at myself in a ridiculous, mean way and suddenly I'm low, low, low.

A few weeks ago I bought a shirt I liked, some incense I liked and a headband that I loved. I never wear headbands and it felt fun to do so. I felt like I was returning to myself. On a walk one morning with Beebs I was just sweating and cruising along and it felt so purifying. These things have culminated over a week or two and the past few days have been hard. I've spent time just sitting staring like wtf is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

This is seriously present in my circle of being but I'm determined to halt that right now and get back to where I was headed. I think that's probably the (very obvious?) key and at some point you probably identify what that Thing is that gets you to a bad place much sooner and can head it off. Maybe then instead of weeks (that turn into years) of self-loathing you shut that negativity down almost instantly and move on.

Movin' on.

T made me wanna post more pictures here. Can't decide on a simple looking whatever for this place.
I'm a mess, ya'll.

Hallo!

Whassup?
I've felt super disconnected the past week or so. It's been busy and I've just not had much time to focus on any one thing for long. I can't even describe what's going on in my head. It's mostly just a basic lack of connection with people, I think?

Roommate's fam has a few different health issues going on and we're in that weird limbo place of waiting for answers. Kind of worried.

Physical activity has been squat the past several days. I move non-stop all day when I'm at work but would like to still do intentional activities on those evenings and I haven't been. We've also had a wee bit if viral snottiness lingering through the house. I think I'm over my bit mostly and now Beebs is dabbling in it. She told me a bit ago from beneath a blanket on the couch, "Mom? I'm not feeling well."

I'd like to just take my little family and go off on some lovely little vacation for awhile. Our last vacation was a trip to Texas for a wedding and a stopover in Austin a couple years ago.

When we're eating and living very intentionally I feel better. When we're thoughtfully spending our evenings together and eating meals that are nourishing -- everything nourishing -- it's so much better. Feeling rushed from work and obligations taps into my nourishment time. It does help fund said nourishment though. heh.

How about a few links for this scattered post?
Molly over at Orangette mentioned some soaps she was enjoying. I'm a dork so I ordered the same 2 she was talking about and then randomly chose by name one for my mom. I couldn't find on their site a description of the scents so it was a gamble. For mom I got "Queen of the Nile" which happens to be scented with lavender, sweet orange oil and patchouli. Pretty much my all time favorite scents right there. It's amazing. I'm using the Washington Woods scent right now. Service was SUPER fast -- my only complaint being that shipping cost me $10.50. I will admit I can't remember seeing the shipping cost when I ordered but it arrived in a flat rate box which shows $5.00 in postage and I now see on their site a $7.00 flat rate for orders under $40 so now I'm confused. Either way -- their soap is lovely.

A fun summer playlist from Katie at Skunkboy. 

Hey, my friend posted again finally. 
I'm outta stuff.

It is endlessly frustrating to feel like your own body is your enemy.