A box of fruit indeed.

I'm alone in the living room. I can hear the dryer, the end credits to "Ilona, Upstairs" and the water trickling in our fish tank. Years ago I bought this fish tank and I stupidly killed some fish not knowing what they needed. After a few google searches we took Beebs yesterday to choose some fish. We let her look awhile before asking if she'd like to get some to bring home with us and she was speechless. She glowed. She was so excited. I love that.

We got a couple platy fish and a couple mollies. When we woke up this morning our fish population had doubled. One of the mollies had babies. The filter claimed several tiny fish lives. I cleaned off 6 and there were 4 swimming around then. Last I looked there were 2. They eat their babies. Sorry, Beebs. Anyway, she's absolutely in love with these fish. I hope we can keep around a little bit! heh.

My mom came to visit us and brought an enormous box of pears today. They were super ripe so we ended up turning on some music and juicing them. A bit past 10 cups of juice we decided it was enough and we cut up the ones Beebs hadn't eaten yet and filled a pot. We cooked them down really slow and then I pushed them through a colander to make something like pear sauce. I was thinking of cooking a bit down with ginger.

My mom cans like a pro. I wish I had any ounce of that skill (or pressure cooking ability). Have you ever had pear honey? I'll tell you it's amazing. It has pears and pineapple, sometimes ginger or whatever you like. It's super tasty on toast. Mom used the juice to make a form of pear honey that apparently is very much like actual honey. She said it's delicious and she's thinking of all sorts of uses. She texted me to say she thought it'd be wonderful with a vanilla bean in it and poured on pancakes. Oh mom!

This is a perfect tea for fall - Yerba Mate Latte. I know it's not fall yet but it's coming and I'm drinking this right now so.. yes. That photo is exactly what the loose leaf looks like. It's so pretty.
I suppose that's all for now.

Friday night

Oh hey. It's Friday night and 20/20 is on. I'm halfway watching and it's about homeless kids or runaways and I was instantly like, Roommate! Let's adopt! One boy on this show - at 17 his mom bought him a greyhouse bus ticket and sent him to San Francisco to be with family..only on his way out his mom was like, oh by the way, you have no family in San Fran. Good Luck.

I've heard some pretty horrific stories in the past 2 days regarding the lives of children.
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I am really enjoying shopping for my mom's birthday. The older I get the more we know each other and also see ways in which our interests intersect.

I come here and start to type random stuff and I am immediately distracted. I am getting these 2 books for my mom for her birthday and I can't wait to borrow them. Right now I'm reading this and loving it. I absolutely love reading midwifery memoirs. I try to imagine myself as a midwife and it's hard because I think I lack the confidence required, the ability to make a quick, sure decision. But oh do I love reading about it.

1.  Here's a rug I could not afford but think is super cute. I already posted it on twitter but: Animal Rug
2. I work tomorrow (Saturday). Boo.
3. Love this teacup for my mom but wonder if it would make her sad because her hive swarmed and left.
4. longest acres -- oh how much I enjoy this blog.
5. I bought this dress for Beebs((in diff colors)). Beebs has that hat too!!! gah! I pretty much plan on her living in it for..a long time. I bought a larger size. The other dress I have from the Green goat (love her!!) is short now as a dress but still perfect as a shirt with pants so lotsa life with these. Mary is a really neat mama, does great stuff and is super fast! She loves doing custom orders and also has specials/giveaways/etc.

About a dream.

Last night I dreamt of flying, being on this massive, crazy insane plane. I'm not sure what kind of trip I was on but it involved many people from high school. (oh here we go) .. We would land and do some things then take off..fly some more..land, etc. It did not appear to be a pleasure journey but rather one of survival. What I most remember from this dream is my relationship with friends. In the dream, 2 of my last remaining people from high school, one being my best friend since I was 7, was lost (or so I thought). I was in a panic, searching and on our plane I stood up and asked if anyone...ANYONE had seen her. I kept asking, searching. And there she sat in front of me and she looked at me, annoyed and said "Um. I'm right here." I was relieved but confused, why didn't you tell me? I've been looking everywhere!

Somewhere else in the dream I stumbled across a couple friends I thought were still living in another country and I asked, confused, when did you get back? They'd been back a long time. They didn't want me to know.

I woke up with that kind of leftover emotion that just sort of sits inside. I felt sad and abandoned. I'm still trying to shake it. The dream is definitely a good representative of some feelings lately. Through the life of this blog I've spent a portion of time analyzing friendships I have or..do not have. I still do not understand them. This post seems sad but I am perpetually in that place.

What I'm gonna do?

I've been reading up a bit on becoming a lactation consultant. I think it might be a good plan to first become a lactation counselor type person and then decide if I wanna go full-blown IBCLC. The latter takes more time but it'd be helpful that I have my BSN, I think.

gah. I had this whole post planned out but life calls. Beebs is in a box pretending it's a sailboat (I love that!), we need stamps to mail our letters to friends, I have to pee, etc.
Happy week. How is it suddenly like..almost the end of August? I'm in shock.

Oh! Happy day to me!

Oh goodness..it was only after I posted my last bit and went to check the archives I realized that my blog is 7 years old today! (It's 12:01 as I wrote this so now it's technically August 9) I laughed reading through the month of August from 2004 -- lonely, wanting a new job, got a new job - complaining about it. I hurt some people, got hurt, told secrets, made more secrets. I lived alone in this little house and listened to the stereo on top of my refrigerator at full blast all the time. I listened to Jem and the soundtrack to Morvern Callar ALL the time. (that is an amazing soundtrack and I did love the movie) I was quoting Alanis Morissette and my parents were getting a divorce after being married 30 yrs. I was wanting a dog (still am!). I wrote about Roommate calling him my "soothing balm, a salve." We weren't together then. We had been for a few years and then we weren't and then we got married. Right now I'm listening to "Broadcast." I should go to sleep. Roommate is upstairs here in our house, in our bed. I stayed up while he read our little girl books until she fell asleep..

goodnight.

Itchy.

Feel like I'm just keeping time at my current job. I'm somewhat ok with that for the place I'm in right now but also gettin' itchy, wanting more. I don't want to work full-time again. I don't want to do 12 hr days again. I am thrilled to be with my kid more. I work in a pediatric office and really all I do is make kids cry all day. Literally.

This year Roommate and I will have been married 7 years. I told him if he gets an itch, I'll scratch it. heh.

I am sitting here just breathing really deep. I took a sharp nosedive off The Wagon and into the pavement at the end of last week. I felt so liberated but then found myself dog-paddling in guilt (of similar viscosity to molasses in winter).

I haven't cut my hair in a long time again. When's the last time I went? It's been less than a year but nigh on a year I think. It's long and the ends are fraying into tiny shreds of straw. I wear it up every day. Last night I went to bed with it wet. I woke up with it parted down the middle and hanging down the sides of my head and I scratched my head and thought for a moment I looked like a real life Hippie (Hippy?) and thought gosh, I must do this more often.

Juicy.

We just piddled around at home all day and sometimes I forget how great that feels. We got a new Z Star juicer. It's a manual juicer and I absolutely adore it. Roommate bought totally out-of-season from who-knows-where oranges yesterday and was so excited to juice them. We have lots of veggies to juice too. I'm like uh..should I plant a flat of wheatgrass??! Out of control. Anyway, today was just fruit juicin'. First we juiced the oranges then I did several lemons to make a pitcher of lemonade while we sipped OJ. Beebs is awesome at juicing. I prepped the fruit and she would put it in, press it down with the plunger and crank the handle. Literally, my 3 yr old was using this juicer - no prob. I can see with hard veg she'd need some assistance.

So yeah, lemonade. I made a pitcher and then added some juiced ginger to my glass. I would also like to try it with some basil or lavender or mint. Mmm!!! I absolutely love ginger. We juiced apples and pears too. Pears kinda smooshed, meh no big yum factor here really but I wonder if we could make some amazing apple cider in the fall after a crisp orchard visit? Sounds perfect? yess'm. We put the apple/pear juice into popsicle molds.

What else? Next, we juiced not quite half a seedless watermelon and a few limes (whole). Beebs drank a glass of the watermelon juice and then I froze the rest into an amazing sorbet. Holy refreshing fantasticness. We probably got 2 1/2 - 3 cups of juice from that amt of watermelon (not much - so juicy, ya'know?). I used abt 2 c watermelon juice, the whole juiced limes (super limey I think from squeezing peel too? was nervous it'd be bitter but was delightful). I had made a little simple syrup I used in the lemonade so I used just a bit of that in the sorbet. I froze it in my kitchen aid stand mixer's freezer bowl thing. It works so great for making homemade ice cream and now sorbet. Yum. I ran across a recipe for lemon basil sorbet. YES!! I also want to note in case you're interested in that juicer -- it is also SUPER easy to clean. Pops apart, rinse, give the inside a quick scrub with the lg toothbrushy thing included and done. It goes back together easy peasy. We broke it down in the middle of our juicing to clean out the pear smoosh and it's not a prob or something I'd dread.

I'm gonna make some ass-kickin' green juices..have cucumbers to juice, kale/chard etc. Parsley/mint..spinach, your mom, what else? Any combos or recipes you've got..let me know! I've got so many ideas! It can also make peanut butter or almond butter.

That First sucked.

Yesterday at work I am pretty sure I experienced my first migraine. I didn't want my eyes open and I felt like I was about to puke. I felt like I couldn't talk one more minute or ask anymore questions and I blurted out to a co-worker "I'm having like the worst headache ever." My nursey co-workers sat me down and flitted about and checked my blood pressure and then told me to go lay down in one of the rooms. We had less than an hour left in the work day. One of the docs told me I should just go home and go to bed while I still felt ok to drive.

I came home and ate a bowl of (gluten free!) cereal and went to bed. The pain started all over my head but turned into a strictly left-sided headache, creeping back to my neck. My sister in law had a brain aneurysm last year but I my pain wasn't like that I don't think. The neck pain was weird though. Anyway, I have no experience with migraines. I cut out caffeine about 4 days ago so I thought perhaps it was caffeine withdrawal..HOWEVER.. I've noticed that just now, the laptop is bringing that left-sided throbbing back. Do you think I need glasses? Is it the light? I don't get headaches reading. I felt better in the middle of the night last night and started looking at my phone and here came that headache again. Weird.

I don't feel like I drank a LOT of caffeine but I was drinking it. I had coffee several days a week but not every day. I also drank the occasional soda. Shit, my head is like pulsing throb throb throb on the left side, behind my eye, side of my head. ick. Time to shut the laptop and make a green smoothie. I'm very proud to say that despite this crap-tastic headache (I really am not a headachey type whine whine) today is day 4 of eating gluten free/dairy free/meat free/sugar free/caffeine free. Oh, I did have small cup of yerba mate last night with some caffeine in it. I was desperate to ease up the headache.

A post for memory's sake all about my girl.

Beebs is now 3 years 3 months old. The nickname "Beebs" just..doesn't suit her any longer..it hasn't for awhile.

She is smart and sensitive and so funny. Last night she told me that she wants me to drive a motorcycle and Roommate to drive a truck. She likes to talk about when she gets big and what she's going to do then. She likes to make people feel better. She likes to pretend she's a doctor and I'm the nurse. haha.

Called a pogo stick a pombo stick (which I love).
Is eager to act like other people and thus has made it difficult for me around other kids sometimes.
Tall - not sure where that comes from - not me or Dad.
Likes to draw and makes hilarious little people with arms sticking straight out of the head and legs the same. They kind of look like humpty dumpty but cuter. She used to give a straight line for a mouth but now she draws the line and then goes back and makes it curve up at the ends and says "there, a smile!" They always have curly hair - her people.

Loves animals. Loves going to the farm that is Grandma's house.

Has recently taken to experimenting with saying some mean things. I think I can pinpoint what started this but says things like stupid, this or that or that we are stupid, that she hates stuff, hates us, that she doesn't even like us a little bit. I can tell you I'm not sure the proper way to respond to this. I do respond but then at times I think any response encourages it to continue. I don't get angry but I have told her those things aren't kind and hurt people's feelings.

Sleeps in her own bed, likes to come to ours early in the morning sometimes. We don't mind. We read loads of books, especially before bedtime.
Only likes baths - does NOT like showers. Will spend FOREVER in a bath making farmer and his friends talk.
Very much into making us be the voice of any array of stuffed animals to carry on conversation. She also likes to pretend we are her children and she's the mom or dad. She often prefers to play the dad. When she was a baby, Roommate stayed home with her full-time and I don't know if that's the reason but she seems much more comfortable around men than women, boys vs. girls. It may just be..something else, I don't know. I think she enjoys playing with boys because they are often just into playing and sometimes girls are so..complainy or bossy. Meh, you're too close to me, stop copying me, don't touch me, I don't like you, blah blah blah. My friend has a 5 yr old little boy and he and Beebs can literally play for hours together. They dress up as superheroes and play with figures and run around pretending and love it. I love when they play together. He's so sweet and wants to give her his stuff to play with and if he creates a costume he digs out a pile of stuff for her to create one. I love that.

Rides a bike. Likes letters. Likes to make mail for our friends and send it. Loves swinging. Loves spaghetti and meatballs. Is absolutely crazy about her uncle, Roommate's brother. Loves to be outside. Haaaaaaaaaaaates for me to brush her hair. Loves stickers. Eats a myriad of vegetables. Likes vinegar, pickles, sour things -- will drink pickle juice (I always did that! mm!). Seems to be getting "over" Sesame Street? She used to really look forward to watching it and is now just mostly uninterested. Loves music. Loves to dance. Hates putting her underwear back on after going potty. Loves the library.

We take her everywhere with us. It doesn't cross my mind not to. She's fun, loves adventures, loves going places with us. There are times lately when she says she'd like to just stay home though and that's ok too.

Crazy Sexy Stuff.

I've been reading Crazy Sexy Diet. Tassie had mentioned it and I immediately put it on hold at the library forever ago. I've been totally taking advantage of interlibrary loans, books on hold, etc. but find that I make this awesome list and on one book I'm number 76 and another book I'm number 3 yet somehow 4 will come in all at once and I'm like crap! So there have been several books I check out and then don't get to finish because someone else has them on hold. Wow, library tangent there. Anyway, this is one book I'd like to buy.

I hesitate to talk about any of this because - you know - it's like I'll jinx myself or set myself up for failure or whatever. When it got hot (today's forecast is 108) my exercising went down the drain. With the exception of working around the house or a few lazy trips to the pool there has been no intentional exercise and that makes me very sad. I'm not going to linger on that because it is what it is and I'm going to improve. Improving feels so good. Failing feels bad. We've established that. Moving on!

Anyway, I've been reading this book. First I flipped through and read bits and pieces then I started reading front to back and now I read it any moment I can, standing at the counter, before bed, when I wake up, etc. I go back and re-read, I make grocery lists and there's a 21-day "Adventure Cleanse" I'd really like to do. This is the part where I hesitate to talk because I feel like when you say "cleanse" people roll their eyes. This is tons of nutrition, juices, veggies, salads, rice, quinoa, all kinds of good stuff but it's no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no meat. Kris Carr is the author and the way she talks in the book is so positive. At 31 she was diagnosed with Cancer and began making radical changes to her diet. In her book she's very much of the mindset that any change you make - great! I have to tell myself 11,000 times throughout the course of the day that I'm not a failure if I don't follow something perfect because if I don't, I definitely feel like a failure. I thought I'd take this week to cut out many of those things and really cut out coffee and then I think next week I'll start the cleanse.

I consider yesterday my day 1 of starting to change. No meat, dairy, gluten yesterday. I ate soo many vegetables. It was a good time. I want to have plenty of choices and a plan on hand for dinners because I can do awesome all day and then it's like dinner/evening time I turn into a savage beast. I asked Roommate how we'd do this if I wanted to do the cleanse and create my meals around that and what I'd feed them and he said well I can eat that way too! Just that little sentiment felt so encouraging like OK, let's just go for it! It's not that we just usually eat crap for dinner but it's different than the cleanse and we do sometimes eat meat and dairy. And gluten. My mom raised a cow and butchered it so that's the meat we've been eating for awhile. There it is.

((While I was sitting here typing this Beebs just woke up and stumbled outta bed and the first thing she sleepily said was, "Mom, why is it Summer now?"))

This post has become disjointed but aren't they all? It's total stream-of-consciousness around here more often than not. I don't plan these things. They just get spewed out when I have a moment to sit and type them.

A mom-friend I met not long ago suggested that the 2 of us try this getting healthy thing together. We're working independently and reporting back to one another. It's fine. This hasn't worked much for me in the past. You know how it goes..the enthusiasm wanes and ya stop checking in and .. shrug. I do fear that her idea of getting healthy and mine are much different but that's ok. We'll do our things and see what happens. We "weighed in" yesterday which was very strange for me. I think the only person that knows my weight is the nurse at my doctor's office. I just am careful that none of this process turn gimicky or such that wouldn't be viable as a life-change. I'd love to shed pounds as a side-effect of healthy eating and moving but I'd prefer to have a happy heart and no diabetes and a long life ahead. My dad was diabetic and died of cancer and another person in our immediately family has recently been diagnosed with cancer. In fact, we've had such an enormous amount of family things going on that when I pause to think about it..it's just surreal. All prayers and good vibes welcome. Really really welcome. Pray for a coming together.