indulging.

I'm mocha'ing my hair. After my family went to sleep I came downstairs with a book. I made a little pot of lavender earl grey tea, put a hot flax pack on my back because I dunno, I'm 80 and it feels good? I watched quite a few tutorials, read some instructions then went and cut my hair. I took off a few inches and it's uneven as hell but at the bare minimum I took off the straw bits. I even snipped in some random layers. ha. mess. After the trim I went in the kitchen and stirred together some whole milk plain yogurt, coffee grounds and some brewed black coffee left in the press from this morning. I added cocoa and cinnamon and rubbed this chunky mess all over my hair in the hopes it will darken it a bit. I have no idea if it will but I smell amazing.

C'mere, you.

Man. I am just feeling kind of bummed out and motherly this morning. I'm reading all the responses to Troy Davis' execution in the night and it's really really sad. And shocking. But not. It seems everywhere I've popped in this morning online people are just sad, man. They're sick, tired, annoyed with their kids, lonely, angry, grieving, confused and on and on. It's a normal day, sure. Is it the weather changing? Do people feel the oppressive winter coming? heh. I'm wishing I could just spread my wings and gather everyone into my [ample] bosom and provide some sort of soothing, healing goodness.

If that's you today I'm wishing you some peace, that you'll allow yourself some grace, that you'll feel loved, that you feel pleasantly surprised, that the sun warms your back, that you get to rest, that your belly is full, your back is scratched, your load seems lighter.

In which I ramble.

Just sat here and wrote an entire post on constipation calls that come into the dr's office I work at and I was so bleh by the end of it I clicked save and closed it. I nearly clicked delete and decided meh, I'd just tuck it into a draft pile.

Yesterday I was sort of keeping tabs on myself throughout the day and making mental notes of all I had not accomplished. We got up yesterday morning and shuffled around having our usual sort of slow morning. I am so glad that we do not have daily up and out the door obligations. We were supposed to have Beebs' Gymboree class yesterday - her last one of our groupon trial thing but she insisted multiple times she did not want to go. She's usually thrilled when I tell her it's class day but she told me she did not want to go and that she did not want to spend her whole life there. ha! I listened and we can make up a class so we stayed home.

A friend told me about a school to check out and so we did. She loved it and wanted to stay. I was awkward mom sort of trailing around after her. She was ready to dive in and I was sort of doing the casual visit. I felt like I should have a million questions but I couldn't think of a single thing. I was weird. It's a cool place. I didn't get any bad vibes but I can tell I will have a hard time letting go. The program is only 3 hrs a day and we're planning on only doing 2 days a week. There were lots of cool things in the class to play with and I kept feeling sad that she'd be playing with these things and I wouldn't get to see her enjoying them! heh.

So we left the school, headed to Whole Foods and ate lunch together. I had a pile of kale salad with garlicky dressing and it was just so good. How to make that dressing? It was thick and it was like some leaves were just sort of frosted with it. MMm! I also had tabouleh (why do I always forget to make this?) and balsamic roasted beets and kamut salad. I'm making this wheat berry salad today from 101 Cookbooks. I can't find the recipe on her blog - it's in one of her books I have. Anyway, it has spinach and feta and looks super tasty. I've never made wheat berry salad! (check this)What I want to clarify here on this blog is that while I eat lots of healthy yums, I also eat some crap but the issue is more about moderation I think? I'm trying to figure out the issue. Always. So I might eat a plate full of absolute amazingness and then in the evening when I turn into a ravenous beast -- I might eat 4 brownies. Ya see? I can seriously eat beautifully all day and by nightfall...look out! I'm working very hard at not eating after dinner or at least 3 hrs before bedtime. We don't eat dinner until 6 or later because that's when Roommate gets home from work.

To make this week. Otsu - one of the best things I've eaten!

Oh, so I was saying, gosh. (food - black hole) Lunch with Beebs. She was very interested in eating blackberries and that was most of her lunch. She also had some chocolate milk as a treat. We gathered a few groceries and a few more goodies for Grandma's birthday bag. In the produce section Beebs found a rambutan and the produce guy ran up and scared her saying it was going to eat her. She jumped and threw it and ran to me. He apologized and I told her he was making a joke and then she told him she just wanted to see it and he asked if she wanted to taste it and he pulled a knife from his pocket and split it open for her. I had what would make a funny sketch moment making fun of hippie moms or something where I was like YAY, learning is taking place! haha. It was neat though and he also let her play with a horned melon.

There are so many times when I'm out in public or interact with someone in a casual setting where I literally feel like I'm having an out of body experience and I'm just like..who are you? What was that weird half-laugh that just came out of you? Why are you talking like that? Like..I'm having trouble just being my true self.

How dorky am I for wanting these pants? I honestly think I'm too short to wear them anyway.

This has been a confusing post. Yesterday was a good day. The weather was beautiful. Today Beebs and I are going to probably just stay home and play and I have to spend a chunk of time on signing up for Roommate's insurance so I can dump my COBRA. Yay! I also need to cut off my pot of arugula outside and do something tasty with it.

"We should always know that we can do anything."

I know you probably know these or you're not interested but either way. They're lovely and this song(that song) does give me a lift. a boost. some power.

I'm giving myself the length of a song to post to you here.
You know those magic eye pictures you look at and you have to relax your eyes just so to find the picture..even let them cross a little maybe. I used to have a magic way of finding that place mentally when I wanted to write something here. It's harder for me to find that place these days...that place where I just relax and I'm not there and I see it. It flows out and sometimes doesn't make a lot of sense or maybe it's actually perfect sense. In that place that feels like The Cusp. again.
I am eager.
I think I made some decisions today that feel a little like a weight lifted.
Fall is such a strange time. It just showed up. plop. It'll disappear with little notice.
I'm going to make potato soup.
My daughter is beautiful.
Thinking too hard to get the picture in focus. I'll type with my eyes closed. Sometimes that works. It flows better.
Time to go.

Labor Day

I love long weekends with our little family.

I wrote a comment on this lady's post that said she felt like there were about two days of summer left and I said, "Summer is hot here and at times it felt like it was droning on and on and I’d sweat for the rest of my life but then it’s always RIGHT NOW that I realize summer is sighing its last and I’m like whoah, wait! I meant to swim more! Sweating isn’t so bad! I meant to work outside and sweat more! And then suddenly it’s fall which means winter is breathing down our necks. Fall never, ever seems to drone on and on."

My mom spent the night with us Saturday night. Yesterday when we woke up we poured our coffee and took it outside because the weather was like hey you, remember fall? I was like oh man, DO I! Beebs helped us gather little sticks and before long we had a fire going in our fire pit. We drank coffee in the sun with a cool breeze and a fire and I felt so surprised all day. This weather! Wow. Summer went so fast. Ahh. This weather. There was lots of sighing and sitting and running around the backyard. I kept looking around at the mess that is our backyard and being so annoyed with myself for not making something fabulous of it (yet!).

We ate toast with pear butter I made (pears and lemon and ginger, oh my!). I had cooked that slow slow, for hours in the oven and it reduced down to something lovely. I started re-reading a book. Beebs dug around in the yard and found a caterpillar. She put him in an old glasses case lined with red velvety stuff and added a torn leaf. In the end she wondered what the green squish coming from his butt was. His guts, dear. His guts. The caterpillar had joined us inside for a break from the fire when we had popcorn and watched "The Great Pumpkin." Campfire pies and hide and seek drew our evening to a close. After a warm bath and 3 books, Beebs turned over and closed her eyes, pressing my hand into her belly. We started watching The Illusionist (which I was thoroughly enjoying!) but I just couldn't stay awake. I read the last 3 pages of Babycatcher and went to bed.

This morning it's 55 degrees and I'm having coffee alone. I opened the front door for light and breeze but actually felt chilly. Looking forward to this last day of our long weekend together.

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I cannot believe it has been nearly 5 years since my dad died. I still have those moment where it really feels like wait, that didn't really happen..if I think hard enough he'll be right here and I can introduce him to Beebs and they'll be great friends. I wish he could know her. I wish he could know me as a mom. While I am not confident in a whole lot about myself, I am confident that my daughter is absolutely wonderful and exudes so much joy.

It seems like September is often an important month.

Sept 2004 - I'm in disbelief that it's September. I talk about music and coffee and long weekends. (also, sore throat, hot hot tea)

Sept 2005 - I'm into surrealist images, married and in school, taking chemistry to get ready for nursing school. (also, sore throat, hot hot tea) This is the month I find out my dad is dying of cancer. I quote Bob Dylan "Lay down your weary tune, lay down. Rest yourself 'neath the strength of spring. No voice can hope to hum."

Sept 2006 - I write about hospice and last days, I post when my dad dies and write about his funeral. I visit his grave.

Sept 2007 - I get my first nursing job a week after finding out I am (surprise!) pregnant with a hybrid.

Sept 2008 - This and music and this.

Sept 2009 - I write about my dad, my kid, a trip.

Sept 2010 - I am relishing in cooler air, coffee, music, my kid. I'm a nurse in labor & delivery now.

Sept 2011- The air is much cooler, so suddenly. I'm in love with coffee and music. I plan a trip to my dad's grave with my husband and daughter.