Be my woman and I'll be your man.

I cannot stop loving Bruce Peninsula after watching "Small Town Murder Songs." It's especially good loud.
Here's "Rosie" for you.
P.S. I do not know what the hell those images are in the "video."  Just listen only. heh.

l o v e

Honey Balm

I can't sleep and so here I am tinkering with my blog. I was not ironically at all reading Tinkers in bed a bit ago. I've had a growing headache while futzing around and just leaned my head back and felt a huge snap-pop and a surge of relief. It was so noticeable and immediate. Weird!

Anyway, there are so many lovely blogs and mine is so very rough but I wanted to share a few photos of my little lip balm making. It was so fast and easy. I wish I had more tins to fill! I have a lip balm I personally love that has lavender and sweet orange. It's so wonderful but I think enjoying that combo might be less widespread and enthusiastic.

First I poured a little pot of tea. (yerba mate latte) - Thank you, T for the lovely pot the last time I saw you! Things moved so quickly I didn't even sip this tea until I was all done.

 

The honey is from my mom's friend. I have only a few spoons of my mom's honey left and it's precious. It's much, much lighter than the one in this photo. I think my mom's bees were visiting mostly dandelions before they up and left.

Between it being night when I did this, my countertops and the gifts - things are looking so...brown! What we have here is homemade apple butter, cinnamon dough ornaments Beebs and I made and then the lip balm, obviously. Speaking of brown, I have some brown bag labels to put on the tops. ha.

Lip balm set up very quickly, almost too quickly as the last bit I "poured" was getting gloppy and wasn't perfectly smooth when I put it into the tins. It smells like sweet peppermint. Recipe is here. I have the book this recipe originated from prior to tweaking and it's great! Thank you for that one also, T!! ha.
(Man, I didn't realize until just re-visiting how copycat my photos look of Soulemama's. Heh. They're like ooh, lemme try that angle. I honestly did not realize it until now, after the fact. Imitation, flattery, blah blah. Anyway. oops. I feel embarrassed.)

Oh and before I forget, I'm also doing another recipe from the book for simple little muslin bags filled with epsom salts, baking soda, lavender buds, lavender oil. You hang it from your tub spout and let the water splursh through as your tub fills then drop that baby in to lush up your water while you soak. You can also rub it on your skin for a bit of exfoliating lavenderness. Heaven much?

Thanksgiving was nice. My family is..the same. Beebs loved having some kids to play with. Ate lots of good food. So many hours of cooking and I swear to you I think once we'd sat down and started eating in no more than 15 minutes, almost everyone had left the table. That's a weird feeling like, but..wait..we just! gah.

This starts birthday week. On my actual birthday day we have Beebs' first Christmas Program. They're singing 2 songs and I'm so excited!! I have a little girl and she's singing in a little preschool program! Whoah. She's been singing the songs for weeks and it's pretty much the most adorable thing ever. "There was a little baby...OH LORD!" One day she was singing this in her sweet little voice "There was a little baby..OH GOD!" bahahaha!

guten MORGEN!

My cat was having a staring contest with the neighbor's cat this morning. That cat is this tall, muscular beast that is dark orange and white. He's come to our front door before and stood on his hind legs to try to look in the window. He goes NUTS for pets. I want him to be mine.

I'm drinking coffee and can't taste it. Absurd.

My order from Mountain Rose Herbs arrived. Amazeballs - so excited to make my goods but super bummed because the lavender flowers were out of stock and so I did not receive any. Looking through their site is just a black hole of wonderfulness for me. So much potential! The Bulk Herb Store has lavender flowers in stock but I think the price is higher? A couple weeks ago there was a "wholistic health" fair in KC. We had plans that weekend but I would've loved to go. I think for Christmas I'll ask for an herb book. (any recs?) Perhaps the How To Herb book or ABC Herbal. Maybe Practical Herbalism? Your mom?

What're your Thanksgiving plans? We're visiting a portion of my highly dysfunctional family. I think my cousin's daughter is out of jail just in time! The women in my family are so bad at choosing men that I apologized to my husband because there will not really be any other men there. (not that he's the watch football/man talk type but you know) I think 1 or 2 uncles might be there. heh. That sounded bad I just meant that of the women in my family, the majority have failed marriages/relationships and lots of domestic ickiness. I'm not saying boo to them for not having happy little marriages just ick to the serious level of unhealthiness/abuse that abounds.

Anyway! I can't decide what to make to take to the big dinner. I'm pretty stoked to eat my mom's chex mix. (don't hate The Mix!)

And you're going to like it!

I have been having insane, wild dreams at night. They're somewhat stressful but man. Anyway. I won't write about that. What was I going to write about? Oh, I was going to tell you something sappy. I think I've written here before about often finding myself wanting to give Beebs quintessential seasonal experiences. I find this comes out in a way not quite intended but in summer I want her to get to sweat in the sun, go swimming, drink lemonade, eat melting ice cream, whatever. It all comes out sounding a bit...suburban but it seems inside more like a deep parental longing to give her happy memories and neat experiences, ice skating in winter, planting things in the spring and watching them sprout up, eating garden goodness, etc.

I tell you all of this somewhat disclaimery goodness to say that we have planned for the weekend following Thanksgiving to be our Christmas decorating weekend. Growing up we never put up the Christmas tree before my birthday the first week of December and it was always just me decorating while Mom watched. It was while Dad was at work. I never feel like we get to enjoy Christmas goodness long enough and I am determined to stretch it out. Last year I idiotically scheduled my gallbladder surgery around 2 weeks before Christmas -- I always had to work some part of Christmas/Christmas Eve/both/day after etc. when working at the hospital and often even if you were doing Christmas you also did Thanksgiving and it sucked balls, man. I hated it, like crying angry hated it. I couldn't stand missing Christmas with my kid but I had. Anyway, I will admit to my poor idea of scheduling this (minor) surgery before Christmas as it gave me a built-in recovery over the holidays and I was thrilled!! Recovery is generally pretty easy after a cholecystectomy. Surgery is outpatient! I was hardly awake when they spoon-fed applesauce and pain pills into my mouth and shortly thereafter I was wheeled to our car. The nurse in me was like..wait..I'm bleeding, I haven't peed yet, blah blah blah.

I was fine at first and thinking, psh, cake! This is going to be the best time of year! I'm off work-woo!!! Things quickly went downhill and then my ass was back in the hospital at my damn WORKPLACE, admitted for a week with pancreatitis (which I can tell you also sucks balls) and happily discharged Christmas day. I've turned this into a ramble but I'm scheduling a fireplace inspection, buying more candles, gathering wood and Christmas music and that weekend after Thanksgiving is going to be complete get-in-the-spirit time, baby. Cocoa and music and decorating - stringing up popcorn, making paper chains. I'm going to have Beebs help us create a little winter woodland scene on the fireplace mantle - inspection to be completed so we can have our first EVER fireplace fire. We're going to cozy this place up like nobody's business.

Christmas sidenote: I do not know how to handle this Santa business. Roommate and I were both kind of like meh, whatever, let's not go overboard. Now Beebs sort of knows about it and asks lots of questions and suddenly we find ourselves spinning quite the yarn about Santa. Ugh. I hear both sides of this argument and I guess we're just playing it by ear. The other night we did a little roleplay because she's terrified of Santa when he's at the mall or something and she always sees him there when she goes with her grandma. So anyway she's thinking she miiiight wanna talk to him so we pretended that Roommate was Santa and I sat on his lap (hoo boy!) and then he pretended other kids came and then she was all about it. After that she wanted to pretend that she was asleep and heard Santa coming and we had to make lots of Santa/Reindeer noise and she'd lie there pretending to be asleep, shivering with excitement and laughing. It was hilarious. It took the edge off of her Santa-nervousness. How do you play this or not play it? It's hard not to get wrapped up in it because that feeling that things are magic is just..wow. So I can't wait to deck the halls.

lagoon

This one is for my dear friend - the one I've known since we were 7. She told me her favorite colors are teal, burnt orange and burgundy. Those last two might be in this yarn a smidge but I was going for teal.
Don't judge. I just started this one last night and I know my edges tend to turn out a bit..uneven but. Yeah.

My vanilla is extracting.

Beebs picked up an extra day of school today because it was picture retake day and she really wanted to stay so who am I to argue? I reiterated it was optional but she was excited to stay so now I'm home A L O N E! I came home and grabbed an energy ball (those ones I linked previously, tasty!). I don't think that's my original link but same deal. I'm thinking about making a "grown up" version with a bit of instant espresso powder and cocoa. Energy indeed.

I'm going to crochet now. There are probably 800 other things I could or should be doing. I started a second scarf last night. The first is juuust about done. It's so plain but..I'm just a beginner!

My mom is going to help me stitch up some plain little eye pillow/sachets. I adore these. Oh! I'm going to need some fabric! In the yoga class I've done there are eye pillows for savasana at the end and I so look forward to them. A little smoosh/grind/shake in your hands and then you can smell the goodness in there. I bought buckwheat hulls and a pound of lavender flowers to fill my bags. Mountain Rose Herbs is a store I'm pretty much obsessed with now. I was going to order chamomile flowers but they were out of stock - I then decided I'd just order a pound of their sleep herbs (they also have dream herbs) but in the end went with just the lavender. I think I might buy some chamomile tea and put some in? I'm not sure. A pound isn't much but dried flowers are light so I'm hoping it'll be enough! Ok, crochet. bye!

metamorphosis

(I want you to know I spelled that right on the first try!)
Hoo boy, ya'll.
My seasonal transition into a creature of comfort has started to morph into full on gross slothfulness and I'm feeling its effects. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and scuttle around doing a bit of productive things before Beebs is fully up and at 'em and then take her out for a walk in the woods. We love that. I think it'd be a nice way to push the reset button.

November Backyard

Meal Plan

Tacos
Alphabet Soup
Sweet Potato Black Bean Enchiladas (thanks!)
Honey Baked Lentils
Chicken Pot Pie with Phyllo Crust (everyday food recipe/looks EASY!)

will roast cauliflower and brussies this week.
make a nice salad, "health salad" with tomatoes/cucumbers/vinegar/herbs

No Bake Energy Balls (can sub all sorts of things!)
for sometime - One Big Cookie! (that's it..just 1 cookie!)

Wednesdays are usually crock-pot day here as my MIL is here while Roommate and I are at work - that way dinner is ready once we're home and we can all just sit down to a fam dinna.

REMIND MYSELF: soon - potato soup, breakfast for dinner/pancakes?

I can't think of a title.

I've really been enjoying dropping off bits here, even if it's often rambling and pointless. Sometimes it helps bring to my attention when I'm being particularly slothful or something as well. This morning I am drinking a cup of tea and working on a menu for the rest of this week and next. (I'll let you know what I come up with!) We have not done real grocery shopping in more than 2 weeks. I have gone once or twice to get something to supplement what I was making or complete a recipe but otherwise. Yikes. Our fridge looks so empty. I'm glad though. We've even depleted the freezer a lot so it feels a bit like a fresh start even though there are a few goods in the cabinet (beans/rice/mushroom noodle bowl).

I'm kind of annoyed to spend my brief alone time while Beebs is at school at the grocery store/putting groceries away instead of doing something enjoyable but 'alas.. it's what I should do. hmphf. I suggested I spend my time making a list and such and then Roommate could spend HIS alone time tomorrow grocery shopping. He seemed horrified. heh. ha.

Coughing up the thickest, grossest phlegm. I seriously get choked when it's all stuck in my throat. I am attempting to drink a gamillion gallons of water to thin it out. Should we talk phlegm some more?

Have I told you lately how stupid I feel at my job? Honestly sometimes I think I shouldn't work in a job where other people's health and health concerns are in my hands. It's hard to say what's better here.. Is customer service customer service? I mean essentially that is a huge part of my job. Is it different when people's hungry bellies or money is concerned? Depends how serious ppl take these things. ha.
Even if I feel like I know an answer or feel something in my gut I never feel confident at work telling someone "Do THIS then THIS and if that doesn't work in X days, you need to come in" -- or whatever it may be. "No, come in now!" ha. People call about something simple like a rash and there are so many different things it could be. meh. I just feel stupid often. I ask so many questions. I need to do more independent study. Seriously.

Ok! Off to meal plan.

Handmade Gift Update

Here's what's making my list:
Peppermint Lip Balm
Homemade Vanilla Extract
A couple crocheted scarves (I don't know how many I could finish by Christmas?)
Apple Butter
Perhaps eye pillows filled with buckwheat hulls and lavender/chamomile ..
Homemade Laundry Soap

Handmade Gifts

I'm gathering ideas, I'm going to try really hard to make a lot of gifts this year. I'm overwhelmed at the moment with Christmas gift buying. I haven't purchased a single thing. My mom and I are going to make a big batch of apple butter today and that will be a part of our gifts. I'm going to make some peppermint lip balm - my mom has beeswax and honey from her bees so a bit of coconut oil and peppermint and we'll be good to go.

I haven't come up with what other things I might make. I'm not crafty. I don't sew or knit. Jars of edible goods might be the way it goes. Granola? Oh I could maybe do some lovely little eye pillows? full of sleepy dreamy goodness. What else can you think of? I've made photobooks a couple times and those are well received by grandparents. I love doing jars of homemade laundry soap too! What things would you enjoy receiving as handmade gifts? Are small, handmade gifts enjoyed? I feel like if I gave someone a jar of apple butter, homemade lip balm, a sachet or eye pillow of sorts...it wouldn't be "enough." I can see all the flaws with that but when it comes right down to it I just wonder if people feel loved and appreciated when they are the recipients of such. I'd LOVE all that handmade goodness but there are plenty of good ol' store bought items on my wish list. Music/books/curtains/kitchen goods.

Well hell's bells.

We're officially sick. I'm gonna go ahead and call it. When we woke up this morning a series of croaks and groans followed. It was comical and I had a glimpse into the far off future... speakin' of gettin' older! It's officially 1 month until my 32nd birthday. (I just did a re-check with the 1979-2011 bit) and sure enough! 32!

It's totally comfort food carb day today. heh. I'm making a pot of homemade chicken and noodles and I'm baking another loaf of bread. That last loaf was absolutely delicious. There's 1 thick slice or 2 thin slices left. I toasted one this morning and ate it with a cup of milky duchess gray. Roommate complimented my bread multiple times the evening we ate it with dinner and was pretty astounded at its deliciousness. He kept saying, wow..this bread..it's so soft! heh. Beebs loved it too! She helped make it. Here I am just posted about what we're eating again but hey-o. These are totally the types of meals my mom made when I was growing up. She'd just decide to whip something up and then awhile later a huge pan of rolls would be baking in the oven. Amazing. She'd also like feed the cows, pick a bucket of tomatoes and can them in the meantime, ya'know? What a woman.

Bakin' bread to Bon Iver.

I've been enjoying posting here even if it never really changes. ha.
Beebs didn't have school today so we met up with our friend, K, and her baby, Anne Marie. ha. Just kidding..that's not her baby's name. And I guess now that she's a year old - do we still say baby? Anyway, lunch, together. It was nice and then we wandered Whole Foods and got some vitamins we needed, Beebs hit up the samples. She declared the new cocoa Stacy's pita chips inedible. I tasted one and it wasn't awful but it was different. I kept thinking it might be good with fruit and yogurt? We didn't buy them.

I was mentally listing all the bits of veg in our house and decided we had enough for dinner and leftovers. I've honestly had a hard time grocery shopping lately. I've been hitting up the store a couple days a week and while that's not the most efficient or cost-saving it's just been the way it is lately! So we needed bread and I had mentioned that to my mom randomly in conversation (must've been fascinating, right?) and she said oh, maybe just bake some? I've done the no-knead bread with great results but yeast is so intimidating. I know that's old news and if you bake bread then that probably sounds so lame. I have a dough hook for my mixer but that seems inauthentic today. I really wanted to feel it and knead it myself and let Beebs do the same. She loves eating flour. I don't know what it is but anytime we have it out to cook with she loves to just eat it, plain. We got our dough all mixed up and we kneaded it awhile then plunked it down in a bowl and covered it with a bit of oil. It's raising right now and the fact that it's grown larger in the first 30 minutes is definitely promising!

It's really no wonder I'm fat because for dinner I'm roasting a chicken and some veg and baking bread. I'm also making twice-baked potatoes. I originally just planned to bake them to use up some potatoes and then freeze them individually wrapped but then I thought well....we could eat them for dinner. Holy food. I should invite friends over? ha.

The other night after dinner it was so dark out and we were listening to Joanna Newsom. Beebs and I had danced a bit. I find myself rolling my eyes when people are like "woo, kitchen dance party!" but we do the same and find it very enjoyable. ha. I dunno what my deal is. I'm just an asshole sometimes!The point of my blurb was just that Roommate and I were just sort of folding laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, chattering with Beebs, listening to music and I felt that internal sigh like oh yes, this. This! Our evenings have been mostly like this lately. I don't know if it's because it's pitch black out by the time we finish dinner or what but we just putter around and then spend a long time getting ready for bed, reading a bunch of books, trying to get all of us in bed early. For Beebs it's been because she's had a lot of congestion and icky cough that won't go away and I keep hoping she can sleep it off. heh. We've had a bit of the same but not bad, just a hint of ick. So it's been piles of blankets, a humidifier I've laced with tea tree oil as our very own resistance builder and books, so many books. Roommate and I are so excited to pick out a fresh stock of books for Christmas. Beebs also asked for a skateboard.

What else? Oh! I think I've decided to become a board certified lactation consultant or IBCLC! I've been reading up on it and choosing which pathway I can use to become certified. The number of clinical hours required is a bit staggering to me - 1000 hrs!! so this may be quite the slow process but I'm in no rush. I'll be able to use some of my clinical experience working in labor & delivery and helping moms breastfeed and also working at the peds office now and helping new moms breastfeed but those hours won't amount to much! I think I may first become a breastfeeding educator to delve in. I'd be interesting in using some La Leche League meeting time for hours but it sounds like that is sometimes frowned on (becoming involved in order to start logging hours). I think LLL can be amazing help for some moms but I also know some moms that have come away feeling like complete failures or just feeling like they don't measure up -- just general bad experiences so. Yeah.

If you've been reading along via twitter (and maybe I said this in another recent post) we finally hashed out insurance issues. Our rates are insane because I'm fat and I've had my gallbladder removed. I balked at this and questioned them saying essentially, the problem I had is now gone. I had it removed but they said it's possible that complications from the surgery (almost a year ago) could still arise. I also asked if I could get lower rates if I lost weight. They said if I lose weight I can then re-apply 3-6 months later. Insurance is such a stress. It's been such a painful process. That sounds absurd but I just kept trying to read every bit of fine print and compare plans and ask every single question I could think of. We (myself and the underwriters) must've bounced 20-30 emails back and forth talking about cost/plans/if this then what blah blah. If anyone else is dealing with insurance stuff maybe this is helpful, I don't know. We were paying a bit over $600/mo for my COBRA and the insurance for Beebs. (Roommate's insurance is paid for by his employer and then they pay a portion of ours). I feel like the difference isn't HUGE but now we'll be paying about $380/mo. I'm grateful it will be less.

Our lives are in a pretty good place right now. I'm being grateful for that. Our daughter is just a joyous little being. She enjoys school 2 days a week. Work is fine. I'm ok there but getting a bit itchy. The IBCLC thing could be great in my arsenal of options! I love options. We snuggle together a lot. We listen to a lot of music. We eat a lot of food. Yay to all of that! I'm always hoping for a delightful little balance of loving the now and also moving forward, working to make things better, keeping goals. Whatev. I haven't lost my snark but I kind of try to say fuck less?

NOVEMBER?

First parent teacher conferences tonight - husband caught in rainy traffic was 5 min late and I went in without him and then he couldn't find us so he missed it. He was so sad/mad. Our daughter seems normal - still settling into this preschool business.

It's raining, cold. Yesterday it was 78 degrees and sunny. Chance of snow tonight and in the morning.
I type this so in the Novembers of the future I might look back and reflect on the weather because...I like to do that.

Tomorrow Beebs does not have school and I will be perfectly content if we stay home and stay warm.
It's painful to turn the heat on. I feel like the thermostat should have a little place to insert cash or quarters and we'd feed the meter and hope it ran long enough to get us warm. heh. I mean it feels like it does. gah.

We slept with the windows open last night.

gathering.

Hey, what's up?!

I feel completely incapable of keeping up with the internet right now and that's pretty much a blessing because it means I've been busy with my own stuff and that I'm not busy here comparing myself with everyone else or lusting over things I don't need. So..hurrah?!

We've been just hovering under the weather like just not feeling top notch. The actual weather has been totally top notch though. We've been soaking it up hardcore. I honestly feel a smidge guilty any moment we're NOT outside and the sun is shining and glowing. It's two-fold really because with a kid, I think it's just the super simple act of teaching about seasons and the way things change but I find us really enjoying each season for what is has to offer. It really does feel transitional and with winter imminent I feel like we're stockpiling sunshine in our bodies. I said something to that effect to Beebs the other day. It was about sunshine being magic and helping us create these vitamins in our body that help us feel good and strong and happy. ha.

Right now we're listening to the "Remember That I Love You" album from Kimya Dawson. We're upstairs in the bedroom portion of our house. We have all the windows open and it's super windy. Beebs has been rubbing lotion in my arms and sitting amidst a pile of books. At this exact moment she's tickling my toes and asking if I want lotion on my feet. She is Happiness.

We ran a heap of books back to the library today and on the way back Beebs said "I really, really want to see your dad, Mom." I said I did too and she said 'Well why didn't the doctors fix him when he was sick? Is he dead forever and ever now?" When she asks these things and makes such sense of them I am at once both amazed and sad and also just sort of hopeful like yeah, wow..I really wish he got to meet you and he didn't but!we've got great people around and we need to really soak them up and enjoy them.

I just finished reading Hunger Games and I just loved it. I was like #300 on the hold list at the library months ago when I added it and I was thrilled when it came in. I devoured it over the weekend and am eagerly awaiting the second book! I may break down and buy it. I had added it to my christmas wish list.
 What are you reading? Please always tell me. I have a running written list in the little green notebook in my green buddha bag I carry every day, ok?

It seems like all I ever really write here is what I'm listening to or eating or something my beautiful daughter has done. I guess my life really does revolve around all of those things quite a lot.