whizbang

Oh I'm in one of those floaty head spaces. It might be that I had a bit too much late day coffee. Such a shame because I'm such a fan of late day coffee! Early day coffee! I never feel some sort of coffee ZING whiz bang - just mostly an occasional occasion I have some late and then I'm all HI HI HI! Lemme just go ahead and blog about NOTHING! It also might be because I'm watching "Amelie" - it puts me in a bit of a wistful, whimsical state as well. I'll take it!

I did a lazy thing and sent out an event invite on FB (I know. Can it!) It was just the easiest way to reach people (the excuse that will be the end of us). So anyway, there are some people I really hope come, people I'd love to nourish friendships with - to know better, to maybe find more people that we can have like a couple/family to family relationship with. Anyway, so obscure family members that I haven't seen in a long time or extended family members I really don't know are all about coming and then some of the people I'd hoped would come are not. I am/will be happy with anyone that comes. I was just surprised at the "Oh, I'd like to come!" and then I'm thinking..who are you again?

Wrapped some presents today, including the ones from Santa. (My thoughts on this Santa biz are a whole other post!) I felt proud I'd finished and then I found 3 more in the closet (Candy Land bought ages ago on sale, Castle Fortaan, a Lego game for my nephew and something else..what else? I don't recall.

I get so distracted sometimes writing here. I just fell down a black hole of news stories - horrible news stories. And also this story that was not awful. Now I feel like I should wrap it on up. It's late..I'm awake. Do I head to bed or write some (going to be late) holiday cards?

Why why why!

Why does the approach of Christmas seem lovely and then BAM I'm like OH SHIT, OH SHIT! I was all about the cozy, the twinkle lights, the cocoa and now I'm like...but we didn't bake cookies! I didn't make any chex party mix! We didn't make all those crafts I wanted to do! And I'm running out of time! I'm working really hard at the moment to calm myself down and I know inside those things don't really matter..the season, the day - it will all still be wonderful and we've made memories. It's all enough. We're happy and warm and we have lotsa love. Calm. I am calm. It's ok if the house is a bit messy. It's ok if the list stays long. It's ok. It's ok!

Hope your week is going well. Let's try hard to really not stress..even though we say that and then like myself, my head starts spinning around and I end up grumpy instead of merry. Happy Holiday time to you.

Lavender & Chamomile

I am just..not crafty. I dig homemade for sure but I'm not very good at it. I can make a decent homemade meal or cookies but when it comes to goods..I'm not so sure yet. Now that's it's less than a week until Christmas (that cannot be right) - I have been brainstorming all of these gift ideas and then I'm like oh, reality check, that is not happening. There's no time/it can't ship by then/I can't crochet that fast/etc.
I wanted to make these (which come from a whole list of DIY stocking stuffers).
Since I feel like Christmas is about to steamroll me I've also started looking forward to the New Year's party I'm throwing here at our house. Not many people have said they're coming and I have to admit, it tends to feel like people wait until the last minute to see what other invites might come their way that are better so no committing until last minute. Is that a reflection on the parties I throw? my company? heh. I'm ok either way but a friend of mine said she was coming the day I posted an invite and I was like what? You're saying yes now? And she was just like well..yeah..I put it on the calendar and everything. Wha?! It felt nice.

 All of that..I really wanted to post some photos of the crafting I did at my mom's this weekend. I feel bad because she did the sewing and I did the prep and finishing. The finished product is nice and I hope my friends like it. I hope it feels like a gift of relaxation. I don't know why eye pillows are so soothing to me. I think part of it stems from when I started doing a restorative yoga class after Beebs was born and at the end we'd have our little lavender eye pillows and I so looked forward to that part every time. So nice.

Flax/Rice/Lavender Buds/Chamomile Flowers - I like the wt rice adds.

Filling the muslin inserts.

 I used the instructions from Handmade Home to get started but in order to simplify we did the cover more like a small pillowcase (so it can be removed and washed). We ended up making 11. I kind of wanted to do more because I kept thinking of people I'd like to gift them to!

My nightmare.

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen my reaching out this morning after what feels like the worst nightmare I've ever had. I know that ppl hate reading about dreams and blah blah and I don't really feel up to writing about this one but I will say..it was dark and twisted and my daughter had been taken from me. In the dream it felt like my fault she'd been taken. I asked for help and it was refused. There was lots of weirdness going on, strange sex acts, a bunch of weird family, just man. I woke up feeling complete terror. I have..I just don't think I've ever had such a horrible dream that left me feeling just sick and traumatized. I felt so disoriented and then realized I was awake and I could hear Roommate walking around downstairs. It was still dark but early in the morning and he was getting ready for work. I called out for him and once I saw him at the bottom of the stairs I just burst into tears. I couldn't get to him fast enough. I'm crying now writing this. I've had awful dreams/weird dreams/sick dreams - vivid stuff. The night before I dreamt I was in a small plane with my dad and he was learning to fly and mid-flight he died and I loudly announced to the pilots "My dad is no longer flying this plane." wow. Reading that sentence again. When he's in my dreams it's always very, very real and I feel like he's visiting me. In my waking hours I always find myself talking to him a bit or just acknowledging him openly like ok, Dad..I feel you and then I sort of give him a mental update of our lives.

Anyway, I'm really having trouble shaking this one and for a fleeting moment I thought..ok, I've seen the future. I don't really believe that but it was a thought. I feel like I need to be cleansed. Jenae said on Twitter she'd pray for peace for me and I was grateful because I need it.

After Roommate left for work I went back upstairs and got into bed with Beebs and cuddled her. She stretched awake a bit and said "I want you to stay here forever." I sure did not want to leave for work this morning. So pray for peace. Send me some mental healing. I haven't experienced such a deep level of influence from a dream like this..not for a long time or maybe not ever.

Refocus.

We put Beebs to bed and her unusual afternoon nap (unusual in both its occurrence and the length) really bit me in the behind. She was wide awake and perhaps still is. I don't usually leave her there awake (I know, can it!) but I did tonight because I have some nurse continuing ed to do. I popped a fat bowl of popcorn and sat down to do it when I heard her crying. She'd been lying with my phone listening to "howling wind" (on a noise machine type app). Dad took it away not knowing I'd given it and blah blah so anyway, she's settled now.

I came here to say to you and myself that I need to refocus. I got REALLY excited about handmade gifts and then indeed felt the need to supplement those gifts and I think I've honestly spent a bit too much and lost sight of what I was doing. I keep remembering like oh yeah, the vanilla, oh yeah I was gonna do X. I'm kind of curious what others spend altogether on Christmas - for all the people they buy for. If you manage to like spend $30 and stretch it around or whatever..don't tell me.

Also, I stress mentally but I think I'm not suffering enough. I don't sweat my balls off enough. I don't work hard enough around the house. I have been such a slothful creature, man. Staying warm, eating cookies whenever possible, popping popcorn at midnight, watching movies whenever possible, ETC! 'Tis the season? Gross. I'm not gonna get all resolutiony but.

I don't mind stealin' bread..

Watching PBS Arts from Seattle, Mother Love Bone, little baby Eddie Vedder, boys in basements in 1990, Temple of the Dog, sweaty hair flipping around, Pearl Jam. I wish Roommate was awake watching this with me but he's asleep in flannel sheets.

We won't talk about the obvious holyshitchristmasiscoming. Eddie Vedder will now always make me think of birthin' my baby because I was listening to the Into the Wild soundtrack. I really wanted to tap into something that felt big and powerful and primal. I read the book when I was in college after a boy I found fascinating told me I should and I loved it. He gave me a copy of Everett Ruess after that. Anyway, music. Whew. So happy we have it swirling around our little house all the time. Lately I simply can't stop listening to Gillian Welch. The days I don't work, usually late in the afternoon I put on Gillian Welch and turn on the stove and Beebs dances around the kitchen while I cook or draws where I can see her there. I love her in that place.

A friend of mine got dreads earlier this year and they're lovely on her. I think they wouldn't be lovely on me but I sure have been trying to imagine myself with them and learn the logistics of dreads.

Dancin' around in a place in my head where I'm amazingly happy - feeling poor financially but so thrilled to no longer work at the hospital, so so happy and relieved.

Geez, man, I'm totally raiding Roommate's CDs tomorrow to hit up some 90's good stuff.

But yeah, flirting with some depression is what I was going to say. It's hard to determine where exactly that's coming from. I'll brainstorm some ideas. Christmas overwhelm? Bored with my job? I had a moment in Beebs' bed tonight where I started imagining what it might feel like to have That Moment where you realize you're doing what you're meant to do. I felt high and dizzy for a second imagining how insane to realize it. to say yes. This. THIS!
I'm sure I've written some version of that 7 gamillion times on this blog but have you felt that? I thought I felt that about nursing but I think I felt like I was supposed to feel that and oh the FEEELINGS.

I love watching musicians.
Well we skimmed the surface together. It's nearly 3 am, Monday morning.
Flannel. Sheets.

Coffee Run

This post gets the most traffic on my blog and I have absolutely no idea why. Is it because there's a link to Parrish? (Parrish, come back!) Is it because I swoon about buckwheat pancakes? Is it my mention of the ADORABLE onesie Beebs used to wear? It was fair isle and so cute. I really have no idea how to track page views, etc. I just peek at the stats link from time to time. Anyway, that post is always at the top.

Last night I fell asleep in Beebs' bed. She always insists I lay with her until she falls asleep and I'm pretty much fine with that but sometimes I wish she'd beg Roommate to stay. The 3 of us read books together and then once it's lights out time I stay. Anyway, I almost always doze off. On the weekends, Roommate will come up and get me so once she's asleep we can watch a show or something (we just started Dexter while we're waiting for the 3rd season of Breaking Bad to ship). For some reason Dexter was never appealing to me..I'd also never watched an episode. I just sort of knew the premise of the show and damn if we're not hooked after the first disc. I asked Roommate if he was angry it doesn't suck. heh.

Oh, so the point of me telling you that. I woke up when I heard Beebs shuffle over to our bed looking for me and I called out from her bed. We laughed. I said "Did you know I was here in your bed with you?" I asked if she'd like to snuggle some more and she said with a chuckle "okay!" She has this hilarious little way of saying it which makes it sound like I've just convinced her to do something and she responds like ohhh okay, I've got nothin' better to do..that works. I can't explain but it makes me laugh every time she says it. (guys, I love my kid so hard.) Hey, mark that down as the second time I've lost my train of thought. So I woke up about 4:30 and thought sweet, back to sleep I go but instead I was awake. I felt a little bummed because I didn't have coffee to look forward to as we were pretty much out of coffee and out of half and half. I'm not sure if it was a coffee lover's train of thought or a fat girl's but I got up, slid on a hat, scarf, gloves and shoes and went to the store in my pajamas to buy those things. Coffee run!

The other day when we woke up to snow she said "Mom! Get out coats! Let's make a snowman! It's Christmas MORNING!" She was awestruck and that sort of thing is contagious. The ground was barely dusted with snow. It's supposed to snow this afternoon and I'm thrilled to see her reaction when it starts. I'm NOT thrilled for Roommate to hit rush hour during a bit of snow.

It's winter, despite my denial and wishing for it not to come. It's not official yet but..with high temps in the 20's - winter. We checked out a bunch of winter solstice books. Roommate said something about me being Pagan. heh. 

Dec 5, 1979

I turned 32 yesterday. I was born Dec 5, 1979. I was 6 weeks early and weighed 4 lb 13 oz.
I initiated birthday celebrations on Friday and continued throughout the weekend here and there. I had a great dinner with friends at La Bodega. We mom and I cooked a meal together Saturday and then my MIL and BIL came over. We had planned to go to the Luminary Walk at the Overland Park Arboretum Saturday evening but it was raining. Instead we ate peanut butter pie and then Roommate and I went and finished a bit of Christmas shopping for Beebs. It was fun to go together and choose some things for her. I had already ordered some things for her, books & a toy so it was mostly Roommate choosing some things he wanted us to get for her. I love seeing what he chose for her and he does so well at expressing his love and joy with her in choosing things he thinks she'll like for a long time or something that he liked as a kid or something he really wants to do with her. I hate to sound like a big fat consumer commercial there it's just that I love how he thoughtfully chose things for his girl.

Totally abandoned this post.