pomegranate pretty

Breathin'

2012-01-26T14:15:00.000-06:00

I put a little blip on twitter last night about feeling sad and overwhelmed. The internet and I aren't on great terms at the moment. A friend was relating to all the "noise" that can come from reading blogs and twitter (ETC!) and that's exactly it.. I am so grateful for support..I just feel a bit quieter and like I'm kind of battling with myself. Reading all that I read online has started to just make me feel inadequate instead of feeling inspiring. That feeling is generally determined by how I'm receiving all this info. It isn't put out there with ill intent I just take it in and..anyway. I'm going to take a breather. I'm still going to read email (bc really..I don't get much so it's not a huge time or brain suck) so if you want to send some, hey, now's the time!

Tomorrow is my amazing Roommate/husband's birthday. I love him very, very a lot. Happy birthday!

Sharing.

2012-01-23T09:48:00.002-06:00

I don't know where to begin so I'll just jump right in. I talked to Roommate about this post prior to making it. This is something I haven't really felt was ready to be here yet. I wasn't ready. Enough time has passed that now I'm ready and I'm reaching out. Some of the best encouragement and support I have in my life comes from people that have come into my life through this place. Thank you for that. This is a humble place.

We've been trying to have a baby for the last year. The me of a year ago would've been surprised to see this post here as opposed to an announcement somewhere during the past year. I'm no longer surprised. It's where we are. One year is not long and many, many others struggle for much longer to conceive. I'm here just..being with this. My weight, the stress of my last job, neither of those are conducive to having a baby. I've wanted to and have tried losing weight before and trying to have a baby is certainly not my sole reason for focusing on my health and losing weight however, I really feel like it is the first step in improving my fertility. If you want to talk supplements and charting and temping and cervical mucous, I'd be happy to do that. I've learned a lot in the past year. Really though, my focus right now is dropping some weight to be a happier, healthier person and to help get my hormones regulated all on their own. So there ya go. I'm breathing a sigh of relief because now I feel open to talking about this struggle and experience here. Beebs would like a girl and a boy. She said we should name the boy "Poo Poo Face." Gosh, she sounds primed to be a big sister.

2012-01-22T10:44:00.001-06:00

Good Sunday morning to you. It was cold yesterday, the morning only in the single digits and it felt like real winter. It's a gray morning today with a high to be near 50 degrees. I stepped out back to sprinkle the last bits of popcorn left in our bowl last night for the birds and it smelled like Spring. It's not but it's warmer and it has rained and it smelled like wet dirt and promise.

I filled a sink with hot, soapy water in the kitchen and put on a little pot of water to boil - one of my favorite things - with peppermint oil dropped into the hot water. It immediately makes the house seem fresher and that's definitely one of my goals for today.

I'm pausing to go make this and get it in the oven. It's Heidi Swanson's Baked Oatmeal and in her recipe she calls for huckleberries and I've never had huckleberries so it always seems a bit like a children's book to me - in the best sort of ways. Anyway, here's the recipe. I'm using blueberries.

A quick note about my eating. I sort of felt a little smaller this morning. Not SMALL by any means but..smaller. I feel less bloated and my stomach feels a bit erm.."tighter." I don't know if that's the word but it feels less fat. I've lost 7 pounds as of last week. I'm waiting a week between weighing myself. It's been 2 weeks since I've eaten meat. My body thanks me. My digestion feels different. I've been eating tons of fiber - veg, fruit, beans, brown rice. I feel really motivated. Through challenging times I've really vocalized step-by-step where my brain is at. These times seem to come most often when I've been at work all day, I come home super hungry and there's no meal prepared and I am like, too hungry to focus and I just have to eat a small snack, slow down and I talk about what's in my head instead of being secretive and/or stuffing some food in my face. Roommate doesn't say much to me during these times but I at least feel like I'm being real and working through what's happening and in the end then I'm proud and motivated when I've made a good choice. Right now I have to go THROUGH the process because my knee-jerk reactions (habits) are not always the best.

Ok, I forgot to pause and go get my baked oatmeal in. It's 10:30. This is going to be a late breakfast. That's what Sundays are for. I'll cut up some fruit to go with it maybe. And I'm going to drink a cup of coffee. I've been kind of but not really concentrating on cutting back on coffee and some days I don't even drink it. Instead I'll have some yerba mate latte (my long love) with maybe a bit of soy creamer in it. I sort of released that one (I can't do that with eating yet) - but I released it like, let's not just go nuts here. This can't feel like punishment so I agreed to just slowly change the coffee deal. First of all, I realized I was guilty of this and had no idea and you might be too. Angela said she was making herself drink 32 oz of water in the morning before coffee and my immediate reaction was that bitch be crazy. I also felt like gah, that's extreme. Then I started doing it.. I realized that in the morning, being obviously a bit dehydrated from the night I'd really be looking forward to getting that coffee and chugging it. It wasn't in my mind, a way to wake up but I sooo looked forward to it. I still do and it smells amazing and I love it BUT -- I'm not using it to quench my thirst! I get that 32 oz of water in pretty fast and lately I've even started drinking it kind of warm but I wake up and come downstairs freezing so chugging cold water is pretty lame. Also delayed gratification while I'm waiting for that cup of coffee - so good!

I have a long way to go but I can't think of it like that. I'm just taking it a few pounds at a time because honestly I'm so tired of being fat I want this weight off of me NOW! I want it just GONE but it's going to take awhile. Sorry for that food ramble. Thanks for coming here.

Farmy phone photos.

2012-01-17T15:12:00.000-06:00

"Mission-festo" - Eileen Valazza

2012-01-16T15:58:00.002-06:00

You want to read this!

I almost teared up reading this - it hit me right where I am and made me feel proud of the positive changes I'm making and release some of the guilt! What a sweet feeling.

Thank you, thank you!!

The haul.

2012-01-16T15:39:00.002-06:00

We only had a few min to stop by Aldi on our way home today. My mom had to get to work but she'd told me they had small plants for $1.99 so I was interested. Popped by the produce aisle as well and this is what I ended up with.

I spent $30 total - I bought 5 plants so that was $10 the remaining $20 went for half & half (not for me!) and a package of cheese (not for me!) and:
4 lbs of clementine oranges
3 lbs of gala apples
12 small cucumbers
a pkg of grape tomatoes
a pint of blueberries
2 pkgs of small sweet peppers
1 pkg of baby carrots
a pkg with 4 small heads of "artisan" lettuce
3 avocados (I think these were like 39 or 49 cents ea. !@#$!@#$!@#$)
FOR $20!

The produce is not organic and I'm aware of the dirty dozen and I buy organic when I can.. I can't get it all right all the time! heh. I had this whole inner dialog with myself about how buying organic costs more but saves more when I don't have to pay for cancer treatments later. Anyway! I'm trying really hard! I made it through the weekend having made no awful food decisions! The most guilt I have is over the tortilla chips I ate with dinner Saturday night but I'm over it. I'm interested to weigh myself at work Wednesday and see if there's been any change.

In other news, the weather is straight up amazing. I've got another post coming with a bunch of phone photos I snapped while wandering outside at my mom's today.

For dinner I'm cooking some brown rice and these lovely tiny black lentils I bought. I'm going to cook a bunch of onions, peppers, mushrooms like fajita-type goodness. Little avocado on top. Yeah.

Down in the Valley

2012-01-15T11:09:00.001-06:00

The Head and The Heart

I wish I was a slave to an age old trade...
Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways.

Stumblin' around.

2012-01-15T10:51:00.000-06:00

Feeling good because I am halfway through the weekend and so far have successfully navigated eating real foods and eating only at home. I did eat some tortilla chips last night and 2 flour tortillas which felt like a TOTAL CHEAT and there was a little guilt that came with that but I'm also working on navigating that because man, it's sticky and those are the traps that would normally get me right back to well, I failed. Fuck it. While it's an hourly battle I'm also keeping my eyes on the big picture so I don't lose sight of that beautiful, beautiful goal.

Mostly I've been avoiding meat, dairy, refined sugar and as much bread as possible. I haven't had any bread for awhile but I have had some wraps and those tortillas. As far as dairy goes, I've yet to eliminate it completely because I have been eating the occasional feta crumbled on my salad. I think I'm going to make it through the weekend unscathed!!

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These photos are a bit dark and crappy in quality but they're of our snail on the Christmas stuff Beebs picked out for her aquarium.

solo walk

2012-01-14T17:50:00.002-06:00

Headed straight west into the setting sun. I keep my thumb on the volume in case someone says "Hello." I waved and smiled at this old guy whose legs looked like he'd just dismounted after riding a horse for the past 70 years. He didn't wave back. Neither did my neighbor girl. I walked through the empty parking lots of local businesses closed on Saturdays. The violin shop was closed. The tattoo shop was open. It's different walking alone without a small person to keep accounted for at all times. I listened to music.

Coping Strategies

2012-01-12T07:35:00.002-06:00

When for a moment I am tempted I surround myself with things I love or am interested in and remind myself that those are the things that make me up. I feel like my identity has been as the token fat girl and that it's not my intended role here in the universe. It makes me feel comforted to look at hippie blogs, holistic goodness, good music and I've been planning rewards for myself like a new outfit from here, those prayer flags I was looking at a few days ago, a splurge on nice tea, a haircut, etc. I'm learning how to enjoy indulgences that are not food related.

Did I say it here or when chatting with a friend - I visualized myself in a bathing suit on a beach with my family and that has always felt like such a pipe dream that I didn't dare dwell on it but to think of really doing it made me feel absolutely stoned. It's not about looking hot in a bathing suit for me but about what it might feel like to be COMFORTABLE in a bathing suit hanging in the sun, playing in the sand with my fam. I mean, I just..I have NO idea what that feels like and..I'd like to.

It's cold this morning. The winter has been eerily mild and I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It snowed just a wee bit last night and I've been frozen this morning. I CRANKED the heat up to 68 degrees, chugged a whole buncha water then I was absolutely giddy with pouring a hot cup of coffee. I also made a hot bowl of oatmeal. Before cooking I stirred in what looked like exactly too much cinnamon and it turned out to be exactly the perfect amount. I drizzled on just a little maple syrup (grade b!) and tossed on a few walnuts. I'm feeling warmer, guys. Feeling warmer.

Checkin' in.

2012-01-10T19:05:00.000-06:00

Awesome eating day - celebrating small successes and learning to celebrate without food! All sorts of rewards to be had - rewards I've forgotten about over the years while busy planning dessert. We spent hours at the park (yay for days off work) and we walked tons. I chased Beebs while she rode her bike and after hesitating when she asked me to run the bases with her on the baseball field..I did. I ran around! I ran around the baseball field and I chased her and caught her and ran to the fence and yay!

You might be saying, um..get back to me in a few weeks/months/years but these daily, HOURLY check-ins are what's keeping me going and a huge thank you to my virtual cheerleading squad. Afternoons and evenings are my hardest. Staying super hydrated, focusing on moving. It's so much easier to do this when the temperatures are not extreme (100 degrees or what the hell global warming we'd usually be covered in snow right now). So today was 57 degrees and we soaked up some serious sunshine.

Tassie told me no more excuses and I feel like a switch flipped. I just feel like yeah, no more bullshit. I have no excuses. I gushed about this over dinner and Roommate sort of nodded and smiled so I'll just have to show him. I told him he's not going to be able to keep up with me. He's a skeptic through and through. P.S. That soup was amazing. Totally rocked my face off. I put in extra curry and a heavy dose of sriracha on mine. It was very warming. I love how the meals I've been eating make me feel full and satisfied but not like I need a freaking nap.

Also over dinner I asked Roommate if he wants to go to the beach this summer. We've never been to a warm, sunny beach. I've been to the beach in Alaska and Oregon but that's it. Those beaches are lovely but different and I want warm, lovely beach. So anyway, I asked and he said, "What would we do there?" Total deadpan. UGH!!! Seriously? Imma punch his face.

The thought of feeling good in a bathing suit is more than I can fathom but definitely the stuff dreams are made of. ha.
What else? I chugged an assload of water before any coffee today. I did drink 2 cups of coffee with organic valley soy creamer. It ain't no half & half but it was tasty. I'm not ditching coffee but easing up on it. I'm rambling. I feel good. I have more energy. Hour by hour I just make the decision to keep going. I am so over being fat. It's not fun. I tweeted yesterday that the proud feeling I have when I make a small success feels SO much better than the shame and guilt that comes after overeating/binging. SO. Much. Better.

Get ready!

2012-01-09T17:11:00.003-06:00

I'm going to post frequently as my little accountability attempt here. I fell off the wagon pretty hard last time and I think sheer embarrassment made me feel like I was a sham if I even tried to talk about getting healthy. Let me clarify that I don't eat McDonald's or boxed shit all the time. I honestly think my biggest issue is my sweet tooth and so sometimes after a fat kale salad I want 5 fat brownies, ya'heard? So fresh start, new year, no resolutions just trying really hard and being really open and honest here and WITH MYSELF about what the actual fucking hold-up is. Because..um..yeah.

This is an hour-to-hour struggle. Most of the day goes pretty well. I am easing up on caffeine and my head feels like shit. I'm packing in just tons of veg and making beautiful, HIGH variety salads. I love the toppings so this week has been some crumbled veggie burger (also having that hot element is super savory and filling), pumpkin seeds, Annie's Roasted Red Pepper dressing or just vinegar/sriracha. Oh, and at the store I found some Bragg's sprinkle seasoning. I love Bragg's apple cider vinegar and remind me to get some liquid aminos. Anyway, this would make a great addition to homemade salad dressing with some ACV or sprinkled on veg before roasting or 1 million other things. It's a great combo. (They also have a Sea Kelp one with lots of herbs - you can sign up on their site to get a free sample!) Smoked paprika on a salad also makes it feel more savory-entree like. I love vegetables and greens so I don't need to mask them I just need to fill up and feel satisfied/not deprived. I'm not on a cleanse or salad only or anything - just haven't been eating meat and loading up on whole foods. Just lifestyle changing. I'm reading Eat to Live. I'd really like to implement his menu plans but those never seem to work for me. Roommate is super flexible but I always take into consideration how it's going to work for the whole family.

I'm doing lots of twitter check-ins seriously at the exact moment I'm facing a struggle and a single shout-out from a friend is sometimes all it takes to draw me back from the dark side. I guess it's like having a sponsor. I'm also working to distract myself. Today when a serious craving hit I got a massive headache, felt grumpy as shit and just wanted like a cup of coffee and a fat slice of cake or something. It sounded so soothing! Does that gross you out? Working through some eating issues here and that's one. Bad day at work? Mama needs a bowl of ice cream! New tactics being implemented.

I had also planned to do some formal exercise today but spontaneously raked the leaves for like an hour so I told myself that was good. I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and get ready for dinner when Roommate gets home. Thanks for stickin' with me.

Bit o'blather post Breaking Bad.

2012-01-07T01:27:00.002-06:00

I'm a little embarrassed to say that we just sat and watched 3 episodes of BB after we put Beebs to bed. We're somewhere in the middle of Season 3 and shit's intense. I was so stressed out tonight watching it. Now we're sitting here listening to Tom Waits' latest album. Tom Waits will always just make me think of my husband and the times before he was my husband and just feel lovey towards him. I dunno how to explain - Tom is a type of music I'd not really experienced before meeting Roommate and it was just so wonderful to me and I love that our love involves music and discoveries and such. Aaaaaaaaaanyway.

We were just talking about the Presidential candidates and um..it made me feel really scared like I live in the Twilight Zone and we are straight up doomed. He's dissecting the election process and just.. What is going to happen?! Oh and he was bringing me up to speed on Savage Love hating Santorum and the internet definition of Santorum. Sorry 'bout that.

Food.

2012-01-02T23:23:00.001-06:00

This sore throat is still awful. I have a horrible taste in my mouth. No amount of brushing/gargling/rinsing/sipping peppermint tea changes this. No other symptoms really besides an icky belly which could def be a sign of strep or my awful eating the last week or so. I just read a few articles saying oil of oregano is bunk but I'm still using it along with some elderberry syrup and ^ doses of Vit D. Eh. Can't hurt?

Beebs went to bed about 7 and I dozed briefly with her. She woke up around 10 crying she was hungry. (Isn't it neat when they can tell you what they need?) That is totally unusual for her (I did initially suspect she just wanted to get up) so we held hands and shuffled downstairs, toasted some bread and smeared it with peanut butter and apricot preserves. I made the mistake of letting her turn on the television and..I hope she'll sleep tonight. She's watching He-Man while I make a grocery list and peruse recipes. I actually put a frozen jar of lentil soup in the fridge to thaw and am planning to make this banana bread tomorrow. I've been really wanting those cannelini beans that you crisp in a pan and then put in a bunch of chard. SO GOOD. It's kind of like this but the actual one she references from her book. Lemony.

People and their breakfast.

I want all issues of Kinfolk Magazine.

Groc List thus far
ck tahini sauce at TJ's - more than just tahini?
veggie burgers (masala burgers? at TJ's)
ROMAINE
white balsamic vinegar
cannelini beans
chard
kefir
lunch items
cereal
almond milk
tea

What are your fave things on top of/in salads? I love salads with a ton of stuff in 'em. My most recent fave had romaine, black beans, fire roasted corn, a few crushed tortilla chips for crunch, tomatoes, smoked paprika, lots of lime juice and some olive oil.

Looking at prayer flags on etsy. Will sleep soon. Send me a little note! Maybe I'll post a bit about the holidays too soon'ish.

I am a tortoise.

2012-01-02T11:42:00.003-06:00

Goodness gracious. I felt kind of lost coming back to this place. I feel like I have the same stuff to say, different day, forever and ever..amen. I'm not making resolutions. I've been declaring 2012 my "year of self-love!" I'm making an effort to stop despising myself, my body. I figure I honestly cannot be truly productive in change until I accept who I am right now.

I picked up Eat to Live again. I purchased it months ago and flipped through a bit and didn't want to read it cover to cover but I'm going to work on devouring this instead of the salt and sugar I've shoveled into my face the past couple weeks. Holy puffball pom.

I read this just now. I'm not going to the gym yet. I don't know how. There's a community center down the road from me. I'm basically a few doors away from being a resident of Mission so my fees are higher. Annoying but still super reasonable if you ask me. Oh, oops..I just realized in review that I was looking at the "youth" rate. Adult rate is $43/mo or $68/mo for a family. I'd basically want access to the pool and sauna/steam room. There's also 2 hrs of childcare for $3.00. I feel weird about taking her to that but she'd so totally love it, I'm sure.

Just seems like writing out any of my body desires seem pretty much like the fruit who cried wolf until I'm like hey, dudes..guess what I did! So maybe I'll kind of take that route. When I wanted to do the "couch to 5k" I was so excited and talked about it openly. I never got past the first week. I fell in my living room like an idiot and hurt my ankle and then trying to "runjog" felt really owie. That ankle still gives me shit but is definitely way better and no longer can serve as any sort of excuse. Tassie said "no more excuses" and it's just so plain and simple. Just yeah, there are none.

Lots of hopes and good thoughts about this year. Today I'm having the worst sore throat in years and I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that after I did my usual sore throat arrives--gargle with warm salt water gig I then gargled with warm water laced with salt/cayenne pepper/apple cider vinegar. Yeah. It was on some earth clinic site. ha. I'm making a trip to whole foods in a bit to obtain some oil of oregano per Jenny's rec.

Anyway.
The Hunger Games trilogy is hands-down one of my favorite book series ever. Just. Love. I'm halfway through the last book and keep telling myself to take a break, slow down so I can savor it. I got the series for Christmas from Roommate. I'd already read the first so I immediately read and finished the second and now am on the third this same week and could finish up so easy. I'll read Eat to Live too.

Beebs and I are taking a walk today. I'm going to go eat some oatmeal or something now.

Slow and steady. I'm gonna win this race.

whizbang

2011-12-22T00:31:00.003-06:00

Oh I'm in one of those floaty head spaces. It might be that I had a bit too much late day coffee. Such a shame because I'm such a fan of late day coffee! Early day coffee! I never feel some sort of coffee ZING whiz bang - just mostly an occasional occasion I have some late and then I'm all HI HI HI! Lemme just go ahead and blog about NOTHING! It also might be because I'm watching "Amelie" - it puts me in a bit of a wistful, whimsical state as well. I'll take it!

I did a lazy thing and sent out an event invite on FB (I know. Can it!) It was just the easiest way to reach people (the excuse that will be the end of us). So anyway, there are some people I really hope come, people I'd love to nourish friendships with - to know better, to maybe find more people that we can have like a couple/family to family relationship with. Anyway, so obscure family members that I haven't seen in a long time or extended family members I really don't know are all about coming and then some of the people I'd hoped would come are not. I am/will be happy with anyone that comes. I was just surprised at the "Oh, I'd like to come!" and then I'm thinking..who are you again?

Wrapped some presents today, including the ones from Santa. (My thoughts on this Santa biz are a whole other post!) I felt proud I'd finished and then I found 3 more in the closet (Candy Land bought ages ago on sale, Castle Fortaan, a Lego game for my nephew and something else..what else? I don't recall.

I get so distracted sometimes writing here. I just fell down a black hole of news stories - horrible news stories. And also this story that was not awful. Now I feel like I should wrap it on up. It's late..I'm awake. Do I head to bed or write some (going to be late) holiday cards?

Why why why!

2011-12-20T17:53:00.000-06:00

Why does the approach of Christmas seem lovely and then BAM I'm like OH SHIT, OH SHIT! I was all about the cozy, the twinkle lights, the cocoa and now I'm like...but we didn't bake cookies! I didn't make any chex party mix! We didn't make all those crafts I wanted to do! And I'm running out of time! I'm working really hard at the moment to calm myself down and I know inside those things don't really matter..the season, the day - it will all still be wonderful and we've made memories. It's all enough. We're happy and warm and we have lotsa love. Calm. I am calm. It's ok if the house is a bit messy. It's ok if the list stays long. It's ok. It's ok!

Hope your week is going well. Let's try hard to really not stress..even though we say that and then like myself, my head starts spinning around and I end up grumpy instead of merry. Happy Holiday time to you.

Lavender & Chamomile

2011-12-19T11:26:00.004-06:00

I am just..not crafty. I dig homemade for sure but I'm not very good at it. I can make a decent homemade meal or cookies but when it comes to goods..I'm not so sure yet. Now that's it's less than a week until Christmas (that cannot be right) - I have been brainstorming all of these gift ideas and then I'm like oh, reality check, that is not happening. There's no time/it can't ship by then/I can't crochet that fast/etc.
I wanted to make these (which come from a whole list of DIY stocking stuffers).
Since I feel like Christmas is about to steamroll me I've also started looking forward to the New Year's party I'm throwing here at our house. Not many people have said they're coming and I have to admit, it tends to feel like people wait until the last minute to see what other invites might come their way that are better so no committing until last minute. Is that a reflection on the parties I throw? my company? heh. I'm ok either way but a friend of mine said she was coming the day I posted an invite and I was like what? You're saying yes now? And she was just like well..yeah..I put it on the calendar and everything. Wha?! It felt nice.

All of that..I really wanted to post some photos of the crafting I did at my mom's this weekend. I feel bad because she did the sewing and I did the prep and finishing. The finished product is nice and I hope my friends like it. I hope it feels like a gift of relaxation. I don't know why eye pillows are so soothing to me. I think part of it stems from when I started doing a restorative yoga class after Beebs was born and at the end we'd have our little lavender eye pillows and I so looked forward to that part every time. So nice.

Flax/Rice/Lavender Buds/Chamomile Flowers - I like the wt rice adds.

Filling the muslin inserts.

I used the instructions from Handmade Home to get started but in order to simplify we did the cover more like a small pillowcase (so it can be removed and washed). We ended up making 11. I kind of wanted to do more because I kept thinking of people I'd like to gift them to!

My nightmare.

2011-12-14T23:55:00.001-06:00

If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen my reaching out this morning after what feels like the worst nightmare I've ever had. I know that ppl hate reading about dreams and blah blah and I don't really feel up to writing about this one but I will say..it was dark and twisted and my daughter had been taken from me. In the dream it felt like my fault she'd been taken. I asked for help and it was refused. There was lots of weirdness going on, strange sex acts, a bunch of weird family, just man. I woke up feeling complete terror. I have..I just don't think I've ever had such a horrible dream that left me feeling just sick and traumatized. I felt so disoriented and then realized I was awake and I could hear Roommate walking around downstairs. It was still dark but early in the morning and he was getting ready for work. I called out for him and once I saw him at the bottom of the stairs I just burst into tears. I couldn't get to him fast enough. I'm crying now writing this. I've had awful dreams/weird dreams/sick dreams - vivid stuff. The night before I dreamt I was in a small plane with my dad and he was learning to fly and mid-flight he died and I loudly announced to the pilots "My dad is no longer flying this plane." wow. Reading that sentence again. When he's in my dreams it's always very, very real and I feel like he's visiting me. In my waking hours I always find myself talking to him a bit or just acknowledging him openly like ok, Dad..I feel you and then I sort of give him a mental update of our lives.

Anyway, I'm really having trouble shaking this one and for a fleeting moment I thought..ok, I've seen the future. I don't really believe that but it was a thought. I feel like I need to be cleansed. Jenae said on Twitter she'd pray for peace for me and I was grateful because I need it.

After Roommate left for work I went back upstairs and got into bed with Beebs and cuddled her. She stretched awake a bit and said "I want you to stay here forever." I sure did not want to leave for work this morning. So pray for peace. Send me some mental healing. I haven't experienced such a deep level of influence from a dream like this..not for a long time or maybe not ever.

Refocus.

2011-12-13T01:11:00.000-06:00

We put Beebs to bed and her unusual afternoon nap (unusual in both its occurrence and the length) really bit me in the behind. She was wide awake and perhaps still is. I don't usually leave her there awake (I know, can it!) but I did tonight because I have some nurse continuing ed to do. I popped a fat bowl of popcorn and sat down to do it when I heard her crying. She'd been lying with my phone listening to "howling wind" (on a noise machine type app). Dad took it away not knowing I'd given it and blah blah so anyway, she's settled now.

I came here to say to you and myself that I need to refocus. I got REALLY excited about handmade gifts and then indeed felt the need to supplement those gifts and I think I've honestly spent a bit too much and lost sight of what I was doing. I keep remembering like oh yeah, the vanilla, oh yeah I was gonna do X. I'm kind of curious what others spend altogether on Christmas - for all the people they buy for. If you manage to like spend $30 and stretch it around or whatever..don't tell me.

Also, I stress mentally but I think I'm not suffering enough. I don't sweat my balls off enough. I don't work hard enough around the house. I have been such a slothful creature, man. Staying warm, eating cookies whenever possible, popping popcorn at midnight, watching movies whenever possible, ETC! 'Tis the season? Gross. I'm not gonna get all resolutiony but.

I don't mind stealin' bread..

2011-12-12T02:16:00.001-06:00

Watching PBS Arts from Seattle, Mother Love Bone, little baby Eddie Vedder, boys in basements in 1990, Temple of the Dog, sweaty hair flipping around, Pearl Jam. I wish Roommate was awake watching this with me but he's asleep in flannel sheets.

We won't talk about the obvious holyshitchristmasiscoming. Eddie Vedder will now always make me think of birthin' my baby because I was listening to the Into the Wild soundtrack. I really wanted to tap into something that felt big and powerful and primal. I read the book when I was in college after a boy I found fascinating told me I should and I loved it. He gave me a copy of Everett Ruess after that. Anyway, music. Whew. So happy we have it swirling around our little house all the time. Lately I simply can't stop listening to Gillian Welch. The days I don't work, usually late in the afternoon I put on Gillian Welch and turn on the stove and Beebs dances around the kitchen while I cook or draws where I can see her there. I love her in that place.

A friend of mine got dreads earlier this year and they're lovely on her. I think they wouldn't be lovely on me but I sure have been trying to imagine myself with them and learn the logistics of dreads.

Dancin' around in a place in my head where I'm amazingly happy - feeling poor financially but so thrilled to no longer work at the hospital, so so happy and relieved.

Geez, man, I'm totally raiding Roommate's CDs tomorrow to hit up some 90's good stuff.

But yeah, flirting with some depression is what I was going to say. It's hard to determine where exactly that's coming from. I'll brainstorm some ideas. Christmas overwhelm? Bored with my job? I had a moment in Beebs' bed tonight where I started imagining what it might feel like to have That Moment where you realize you're doing what you're meant to do. I felt high and dizzy for a second imagining how insane to realize it. to say yes. This. THIS!
I'm sure I've written some version of that 7 gamillion times on this blog but have you felt that? I thought I felt that about nursing but I think I felt like I was supposed to feel that and oh the FEEELINGS.

I love watching musicians.
Well we skimmed the surface together. It's nearly 3 am, Monday morning.
Flannel. Sheets.

Coffee Run

2011-12-08T06:36:00.001-06:00

This post gets the most traffic on my blog and I have absolutely no idea why. Is it because there's a link to Parrish? (Parrish, come back!) Is it because I swoon about buckwheat pancakes? Is it my mention of the ADORABLE onesie Beebs used to wear? It was fair isle and so cute. I really have no idea how to track page views, etc. I just peek at the stats link from time to time. Anyway, that post is always at the top.

Last night I fell asleep in Beebs' bed. She always insists I lay with her until she falls asleep and I'm pretty much fine with that but sometimes I wish she'd beg Roommate to stay. The 3 of us read books together and then once it's lights out time I stay. Anyway, I almost always doze off. On the weekends, Roommate will come up and get me so once she's asleep we can watch a show or something (we just started Dexter while we're waiting for the 3rd season of Breaking Bad to ship). For some reason Dexter was never appealing to me..I'd also never watched an episode. I just sort of knew the premise of the show and damn if we're not hooked after the first disc. I asked Roommate if he was angry it doesn't suck. heh.

Oh, so the point of me telling you that. I woke up when I heard Beebs shuffle over to our bed looking for me and I called out from her bed. We laughed. I said "Did you know I was here in your bed with you?" I asked if she'd like to snuggle some more and she said with a chuckle "okay!" She has this hilarious little way of saying it which makes it sound like I've just convinced her to do something and she responds like ohhh okay, I've got nothin' better to do..that works. I can't explain but it makes me laugh every time she says it. (guys, I love my kid so hard.) Hey, mark that down as the second time I've lost my train of thought. So I woke up about 4:30 and thought sweet, back to sleep I go but instead I was awake. I felt a little bummed because I didn't have coffee to look forward to as we were pretty much out of coffee and out of half and half. I'm not sure if it was a coffee lover's train of thought or a fat girl's but I got up, slid on a hat, scarf, gloves and shoes and went to the store in my pajamas to buy those things. Coffee run!

The other day when we woke up to snow she said "Mom! Get out coats! Let's make a snowman! It's Christmas MORNING!" She was awestruck and that sort of thing is contagious. The ground was barely dusted with snow. It's supposed to snow this afternoon and I'm thrilled to see her reaction when it starts. I'm NOT thrilled for Roommate to hit rush hour during a bit of snow.

It's winter, despite my denial and wishing for it not to come. It's not official yet but..with high temps in the 20's - winter. We checked out a bunch of winter solstice books. Roommate said something about me being Pagan. heh.

Dec 5, 1979

2011-12-06T12:10:00.001-06:00

I turned 32 yesterday. I was born Dec 5, 1979. I was 6 weeks early and weighed 4 lb 13 oz.
I initiated birthday celebrations on Friday and continued throughout the weekend here and there. I had a great dinner with friends at La Bodega. We mom and I cooked a meal together Saturday and then my MIL and BIL came over. We had planned to go to the Luminary Walk at the Overland Park Arboretum Saturday evening but it was raining. Instead we ate peanut butter pie and then Roommate and I went and finished a bit of Christmas shopping for Beebs. It was fun to go together and choose some things for her. I had already ordered some things for her, books & a toy so it was mostly Roommate choosing some things he wanted us to get for her. I love seeing what he chose for her and he does so well at expressing his love and joy with her in choosing things he thinks she'll like for a long time or something that he liked as a kid or something he really wants to do with her. I hate to sound like a big fat consumer commercial there it's just that I love how he thoughtfully chose things for his girl.

Totally abandoned this post.

Be my woman and I'll be your man.

2011-11-29T02:33:00.001-06:00

I cannot stop loving Bruce Peninsula after watching "Small Town Murder Songs." It's especially good loud.
Here's "Rosie" for you.
P.S. I do not know what the hell those images are in the "video." Just listen only. heh.

l o v e

Honey Balm

2011-11-29T01:33:00.001-06:00

I can't sleep and so here I am tinkering with my blog. I was not ironically at all reading Tinkers in bed a bit ago. I've had a growing headache while futzing around and just leaned my head back and felt a huge snap-pop and a surge of relief. It was so noticeable and immediate. Weird!

Anyway, there are so many lovely blogs and mine is so very rough but I wanted to share a few photos of my little lip balm making. It was so fast and easy. I wish I had more tins to fill! I have a lip balm I personally love that has lavender and sweet orange. It's so wonderful but I think enjoying that combo might be less widespread and enthusiastic.

First I poured a little pot of tea. (yerba mate latte) - Thank you, T for the lovely pot the last time I saw you! Things moved so quickly I didn't even sip this tea until I was all done.

The honey is from my mom's friend. I have only a few spoons of my mom's honey left and it's precious. It's much, much lighter than the one in this photo. I think my mom's bees were visiting mostly dandelions before they up and left.

Between it being night when I did this, my countertops and the gifts - things are looking so...brown! What we have here is homemade apple butter, cinnamon dough ornaments Beebs and I made and then the lip balm, obviously. Speaking of brown, I have some brown bag labels to put on the tops. ha.

Lip balm set up very quickly, almost too quickly as the last bit I "poured" was getting gloppy and wasn't perfectly smooth when I put it into the tins. It smells like sweet peppermint. Recipe is here. I have the book this recipe originated from prior to tweaking and it's great! Thank you for that one also, T!! ha.
(Man, I didn't realize until just re-visiting how copycat my photos look of Soulemama's. Heh. They're like ooh, lemme try that angle. I honestly did not realize it until now, after the fact. Imitation, flattery, blah blah. Anyway. oops. I feel embarrassed.)

Oh and before I forget, I'm also doing another recipe from the book for simple little muslin bags filled with epsom salts, baking soda, lavender buds, lavender oil. You hang it from your tub spout and let the water splursh through as your tub fills then drop that baby in to lush up your water while you soak. You can also rub it on your skin for a bit of exfoliating lavenderness. Heaven much?

Thanksgiving was nice. My family is..the same. Beebs loved having some kids to play with. Ate lots of good food. So many hours of cooking and I swear to you I think once we'd sat down and started eating in no more than 15 minutes, almost everyone had left the table. That's a weird feeling like, but..wait..we just! gah.

This starts birthday week. On my actual birthday day we have Beebs' first Christmas Program. They're singing 2 songs and I'm so excited!! I have a little girl and she's singing in a little preschool program! Whoah. She's been singing the songs for weeks and it's pretty much the most adorable thing ever. "There was a little baby...OH LORD!" One day she was singing this in her sweet little voice "There was a little baby..OH GOD!" bahahaha!

guten MORGEN!

2011-11-21T08:39:00.001-06:00

My cat was having a staring contest with the neighbor's cat this morning. That cat is this tall, muscular beast that is dark orange and white. He's come to our front door before and stood on his hind legs to try to look in the window. He goes NUTS for pets. I want him to be mine.

I'm drinking coffee and can't taste it. Absurd.

My order from Mountain Rose Herbs arrived. Amazeballs - so excited to make my goods but super bummed because the lavender flowers were out of stock and so I did not receive any. Looking through their site is just a black hole of wonderfulness for me. So much potential! The Bulk Herb Store has lavender flowers in stock but I think the price is higher? A couple weeks ago there was a "wholistic health" fair in KC. We had plans that weekend but I would've loved to go. I think for Christmas I'll ask for an herb book. (any recs?) Perhaps the How To Herb book or ABC Herbal. Maybe Practical Herbalism? Your mom?

What're your Thanksgiving plans? We're visiting a portion of my highly dysfunctional family. I think my cousin's daughter is out of jail just in time! The women in my family are so bad at choosing men that I apologized to my husband because there will not really be any other men there. (not that he's the watch football/man talk type but you know) I think 1 or 2 uncles might be there. heh. That sounded bad I just meant that of the women in my family, the majority have failed marriages/relationships and lots of domestic ickiness. I'm not saying boo to them for not having happy little marriages just ick to the serious level of unhealthiness/abuse that abounds.

Anyway! I can't decide what to make to take to the big dinner. I'm pretty stoked to eat my mom's chex mix. (don't hate The Mix!)

And you're going to like it!

2011-11-17T09:59:00.001-06:00

I have been having insane, wild dreams at night. They're somewhat stressful but man. Anyway. I won't write about that. What was I going to write about? Oh, I was going to tell you something sappy. I think I've written here before about often finding myself wanting to give Beebs quintessential seasonal experiences. I find this comes out in a way not quite intended but in summer I want her to get to sweat in the sun, go swimming, drink lemonade, eat melting ice cream, whatever. It all comes out sounding a bit...suburban but it seems inside more like a deep parental longing to give her happy memories and neat experiences, ice skating in winter, planting things in the spring and watching them sprout up, eating garden goodness, etc.

I tell you all of this somewhat disclaimery goodness to say that we have planned for the weekend following Thanksgiving to be our Christmas decorating weekend. Growing up we never put up the Christmas tree before my birthday the first week of December and it was always just me decorating while Mom watched. It was while Dad was at work. I never feel like we get to enjoy Christmas goodness long enough and I am determined to stretch it out. Last year I idiotically scheduled my gallbladder surgery around 2 weeks before Christmas -- I always had to work some part of Christmas/Christmas Eve/both/day after etc. when working at the hospital and often even if you were doing Christmas you also did Thanksgiving and it sucked balls, man. I hated it, like crying angry hated it. I couldn't stand missing Christmas with my kid but I had. Anyway, I will admit to my poor idea of scheduling this (minor) surgery before Christmas as it gave me a built-in recovery over the holidays and I was thrilled!! Recovery is generally pretty easy after a cholecystectomy. Surgery is outpatient! I was hardly awake when they spoon-fed applesauce and pain pills into my mouth and shortly thereafter I was wheeled to our car. The nurse in me was like..wait..I'm bleeding, I haven't peed yet, blah blah blah.

I was fine at first and thinking, psh, cake! This is going to be the best time of year! I'm off work-woo!!! Things quickly went downhill and then my ass was back in the hospital at my damn WORKPLACE, admitted for a week with pancreatitis (which I can tell you also sucks balls) and happily discharged Christmas day. I've turned this into a ramble but I'm scheduling a fireplace inspection, buying more candles, gathering wood and Christmas music and that weekend after Thanksgiving is going to be complete get-in-the-spirit time, baby. Cocoa and music and decorating - stringing up popcorn, making paper chains. I'm going to have Beebs help us create a little winter woodland scene on the fireplace mantle - inspection to be completed so we can have our first EVER fireplace fire. We're going to cozy this place up like nobody's business.

Christmas sidenote: I do not know how to handle this Santa business. Roommate and I were both kind of like meh, whatever, let's not go overboard. Now Beebs sort of knows about it and asks lots of questions and suddenly we find ourselves spinning quite the yarn about Santa. Ugh. I hear both sides of this argument and I guess we're just playing it by ear. The other night we did a little roleplay because she's terrified of Santa when he's at the mall or something and she always sees him there when she goes with her grandma. So anyway she's thinking she miiiight wanna talk to him so we pretended that Roommate was Santa and I sat on his lap (hoo boy!) and then he pretended other kids came and then she was all about it. After that she wanted to pretend that she was asleep and heard Santa coming and we had to make lots of Santa/Reindeer noise and she'd lie there pretending to be asleep, shivering with excitement and laughing. It was hilarious. It took the edge off of her Santa-nervousness. How do you play this or not play it? It's hard not to get wrapped up in it because that feeling that things are magic is just..wow. So I can't wait to deck the halls.

lagoon

2011-11-15T14:09:00.001-06:00

This one is for my dear friend - the one I've known since we were 7. She told me her favorite colors are teal, burnt orange and burgundy. Those last two might be in this yarn a smidge but I was going for teal.
Don't judge. I just started this one last night and I know my edges tend to turn out a bit..uneven but. Yeah.

My vanilla is extracting.

2011-11-15T12:26:00.001-06:00

Beebs picked up an extra day of school today because it was picture retake day and she really wanted to stay so who am I to argue? I reiterated it was optional but she was excited to stay so now I'm home A L O N E! I came home and grabbed an energy ball (those ones I linked previously, tasty!). I don't think that's my original link but same deal. I'm thinking about making a "grown up" version with a bit of instant espresso powder and cocoa. Energy indeed.

I'm going to crochet now. There are probably 800 other things I could or should be doing. I started a second scarf last night. The first is juuust about done. It's so plain but..I'm just a beginner!

My mom is going to help me stitch up some plain little eye pillow/sachets. I adore these. Oh! I'm going to need some fabric! In the yoga class I've done there are eye pillows for savasana at the end and I so look forward to them. A little smoosh/grind/shake in your hands and then you can smell the goodness in there. I bought buckwheat hulls and a pound of lavender flowers to fill my bags. Mountain Rose Herbs is a store I'm pretty much obsessed with now. I was going to order chamomile flowers but they were out of stock - I then decided I'd just order a pound of their sleep herbs (they also have dream herbs) but in the end went with just the lavender. I think I might buy some chamomile tea and put some in? I'm not sure. A pound isn't much but dried flowers are light so I'm hoping it'll be enough! Ok, crochet. bye!

metamorphosis

2011-11-14T00:56:00.001-06:00

(I want you to know I spelled that right on the first try!)
Hoo boy, ya'll.
My seasonal transition into a creature of comfort has started to morph into full on gross slothfulness and I'm feeling its effects. My plan for tomorrow is to get up and scuttle around doing a bit of productive things before Beebs is fully up and at 'em and then take her out for a walk in the woods. We love that. I think it'd be a nice way to push the reset button.

November Backyard

2011-11-13T15:50:00.001-06:00

Meal Plan

2011-11-10T08:44:00.001-06:00

Tacos
Alphabet Soup
Sweet Potato Black Bean Enchiladas (thanks!)
Honey Baked Lentils
Chicken Pot Pie with Phyllo Crust (everyday food recipe/looks EASY!)

will roast cauliflower and brussies this week.
make a nice salad, "health salad" with tomatoes/cucumbers/vinegar/herbs

No Bake Energy Balls (can sub all sorts of things!)
for sometime - One Big Cookie! (that's it..just 1 cookie!)

Wednesdays are usually crock-pot day here as my MIL is here while Roommate and I are at work - that way dinner is ready once we're home and we can all just sit down to a fam dinna.

REMIND MYSELF: soon - potato soup, breakfast for dinner/pancakes?

I can't think of a title.

2011-11-10T07:55:00.001-06:00

I've really been enjoying dropping off bits here, even if it's often rambling and pointless. Sometimes it helps bring to my attention when I'm being particularly slothful or something as well. This morning I am drinking a cup of tea and working on a menu for the rest of this week and next. (I'll let you know what I come up with!) We have not done real grocery shopping in more than 2 weeks. I have gone once or twice to get something to supplement what I was making or complete a recipe but otherwise. Yikes. Our fridge looks so empty. I'm glad though. We've even depleted the freezer a lot so it feels a bit like a fresh start even though there are a few goods in the cabinet (beans/rice/mushroom noodle bowl).

I'm kind of annoyed to spend my brief alone time while Beebs is at school at the grocery store/putting groceries away instead of doing something enjoyable but 'alas.. it's what I should do. hmphf. I suggested I spend my time making a list and such and then Roommate could spend HIS alone time tomorrow grocery shopping. He seemed horrified. heh. ha.

Coughing up the thickest, grossest phlegm. I seriously get choked when it's all stuck in my throat. I am attempting to drink a gamillion gallons of water to thin it out. Should we talk phlegm some more?

Have I told you lately how stupid I feel at my job? Honestly sometimes I think I shouldn't work in a job where other people's health and health concerns are in my hands. It's hard to say what's better here.. Is customer service customer service? I mean essentially that is a huge part of my job. Is it different when people's hungry bellies or money is concerned? Depends how serious ppl take these things. ha.
Even if I feel like I know an answer or feel something in my gut I never feel confident at work telling someone "Do THIS then THIS and if that doesn't work in X days, you need to come in" -- or whatever it may be. "No, come in now!" ha. People call about something simple like a rash and there are so many different things it could be. meh. I just feel stupid often. I ask so many questions. I need to do more independent study. Seriously.

Ok! Off to meal plan.

Handmade Gift Update

2011-11-08T10:47:00.001-06:00

Here's what's making my list:
Peppermint Lip Balm
Homemade Vanilla Extract
A couple crocheted scarves (I don't know how many I could finish by Christmas?)
Apple Butter
Perhaps eye pillows filled with buckwheat hulls and lavender/chamomile ..
Homemade Laundry Soap

Handmade Gifts

2011-11-06T10:42:00.000-06:00

I'm gathering ideas, I'm going to try really hard to make a lot of gifts this year. I'm overwhelmed at the moment with Christmas gift buying. I haven't purchased a single thing. My mom and I are going to make a big batch of apple butter today and that will be a part of our gifts. I'm going to make some peppermint lip balm - my mom has beeswax and honey from her bees so a bit of coconut oil and peppermint and we'll be good to go.

I haven't come up with what other things I might make. I'm not crafty. I don't sew or knit. Jars of edible goods might be the way it goes. Granola? Oh I could maybe do some lovely little eye pillows? full of sleepy dreamy goodness. What else can you think of? I've made photobooks a couple times and those are well received by grandparents. I love doing jars of homemade laundry soap too! What things would you enjoy receiving as handmade gifts? Are small, handmade gifts enjoyed? I feel like if I gave someone a jar of apple butter, homemade lip balm, a sachet or eye pillow of sorts...it wouldn't be "enough." I can see all the flaws with that but when it comes right down to it I just wonder if people feel loved and appreciated when they are the recipients of such. I'd LOVE all that handmade goodness but there are plenty of good ol' store bought items on my wish list. Music/books/curtains/kitchen goods.

Well hell's bells.

2011-11-05T12:39:00.001-05:00

We're officially sick. I'm gonna go ahead and call it. When we woke up this morning a series of croaks and groans followed. It was comical and I had a glimpse into the far off future... speakin' of gettin' older! It's officially 1 month until my 32nd birthday. (I just did a re-check with the 1979-2011 bit) and sure enough! 32!

It's totally comfort food carb day today. heh. I'm making a pot of homemade chicken and noodles and I'm baking another loaf of bread. That last loaf was absolutely delicious. There's 1 thick slice or 2 thin slices left. I toasted one this morning and ate it with a cup of milky duchess gray. Roommate complimented my bread multiple times the evening we ate it with dinner and was pretty astounded at its deliciousness. He kept saying, wow..this bread..it's so soft! heh. Beebs loved it too! She helped make it. Here I am just posted about what we're eating again but hey-o. These are totally the types of meals my mom made when I was growing up. She'd just decide to whip something up and then awhile later a huge pan of rolls would be baking in the oven. Amazing. She'd also like feed the cows, pick a bucket of tomatoes and can them in the meantime, ya'know? What a woman.

Bakin' bread to Bon Iver.

2011-11-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

I've been enjoying posting here even if it never really changes. ha.
Beebs didn't have school today so we met up with our friend, K, and her baby, Anne Marie. ha. Just kidding..that's not her baby's name. And I guess now that she's a year old - do we still say baby? Anyway, lunch, together. It was nice and then we wandered Whole Foods and got some vitamins we needed, Beebs hit up the samples. She declared the new cocoa Stacy's pita chips inedible. I tasted one and it wasn't awful but it was different. I kept thinking it might be good with fruit and yogurt? We didn't buy them.

I was mentally listing all the bits of veg in our house and decided we had enough for dinner and leftovers. I've honestly had a hard time grocery shopping lately. I've been hitting up the store a couple days a week and while that's not the most efficient or cost-saving it's just been the way it is lately! So we needed bread and I had mentioned that to my mom randomly in conversation (must've been fascinating, right?) and she said oh, maybe just bake some? I've done the no-knead bread with great results but yeast is so intimidating. I know that's old news and if you bake bread then that probably sounds so lame. I have a dough hook for my mixer but that seems inauthentic today. I really wanted to feel it and knead it myself and let Beebs do the same. She loves eating flour. I don't know what it is but anytime we have it out to cook with she loves to just eat it, plain. We got our dough all mixed up and we kneaded it awhile then plunked it down in a bowl and covered it with a bit of oil. It's raising right now and the fact that it's grown larger in the first 30 minutes is definitely promising!

It's really no wonder I'm fat because for dinner I'm roasting a chicken and some veg and baking bread. I'm also making twice-baked potatoes. I originally just planned to bake them to use up some potatoes and then freeze them individually wrapped but then I thought well....we could eat them for dinner. Holy food. I should invite friends over? ha.

The other night after dinner it was so dark out and we were listening to Joanna Newsom. Beebs and I had danced a bit. I find myself rolling my eyes when people are like "woo, kitchen dance party!" but we do the same and find it very enjoyable. ha. I dunno what my deal is. I'm just an asshole sometimes!The point of my blurb was just that Roommate and I were just sort of folding laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, chattering with Beebs, listening to music and I felt that internal sigh like oh yes, this. This! Our evenings have been mostly like this lately. I don't know if it's because it's pitch black out by the time we finish dinner or what but we just putter around and then spend a long time getting ready for bed, reading a bunch of books, trying to get all of us in bed early. For Beebs it's been because she's had a lot of congestion and icky cough that won't go away and I keep hoping she can sleep it off. heh. We've had a bit of the same but not bad, just a hint of ick. So it's been piles of blankets, a humidifier I've laced with tea tree oil as our very own resistance builder and books, so many books. Roommate and I are so excited to pick out a fresh stock of books for Christmas. Beebs also asked for a skateboard.

What else? Oh! I think I've decided to become a board certified lactation consultant or IBCLC! I've been reading up on it and choosing which pathway I can use to become certified. The number of clinical hours required is a bit staggering to me - 1000 hrs!! so this may be quite the slow process but I'm in no rush. I'll be able to use some of my clinical experience working in labor & delivery and helping moms breastfeed and also working at the peds office now and helping new moms breastfeed but those hours won't amount to much! I think I may first become a breastfeeding educator to delve in. I'd be interesting in using some La Leche League meeting time for hours but it sounds like that is sometimes frowned on (becoming involved in order to start logging hours). I think LLL can be amazing help for some moms but I also know some moms that have come away feeling like complete failures or just feeling like they don't measure up -- just general bad experiences so. Yeah.

If you've been reading along via twitter (and maybe I said this in another recent post) we finally hashed out insurance issues. Our rates are insane because I'm fat and I've had my gallbladder removed. I balked at this and questioned them saying essentially, the problem I had is now gone. I had it removed but they said it's possible that complications from the surgery (almost a year ago) could still arise. I also asked if I could get lower rates if I lost weight. They said if I lose weight I can then re-apply 3-6 months later. Insurance is such a stress. It's been such a painful process. That sounds absurd but I just kept trying to read every bit of fine print and compare plans and ask every single question I could think of. We (myself and the underwriters) must've bounced 20-30 emails back and forth talking about cost/plans/if this then what blah blah. If anyone else is dealing with insurance stuff maybe this is helpful, I don't know. We were paying a bit over $600/mo for my COBRA and the insurance for Beebs. (Roommate's insurance is paid for by his employer and then they pay a portion of ours). I feel like the difference isn't HUGE but now we'll be paying about $380/mo. I'm grateful it will be less.

Our lives are in a pretty good place right now. I'm being grateful for that. Our daughter is just a joyous little being. She enjoys school 2 days a week. Work is fine. I'm ok there but getting a bit itchy. The IBCLC thing could be great in my arsenal of options! I love options. We snuggle together a lot. We listen to a lot of music. We eat a lot of food. Yay to all of that! I'm always hoping for a delightful little balance of loving the now and also moving forward, working to make things better, keeping goals. Whatev. I haven't lost my snark but I kind of try to say fuck less?

NOVEMBER?

2011-11-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

First parent teacher conferences tonight - husband caught in rainy traffic was 5 min late and I went in without him and then he couldn't find us so he missed it. He was so sad/mad. Our daughter seems normal - still settling into this preschool business.

It's raining, cold. Yesterday it was 78 degrees and sunny. Chance of snow tonight and in the morning.
I type this so in the Novembers of the future I might look back and reflect on the weather because...I like to do that.

Tomorrow Beebs does not have school and I will be perfectly content if we stay home and stay warm.
It's painful to turn the heat on. I feel like the thermostat should have a little place to insert cash or quarters and we'd feed the meter and hope it ran long enough to get us warm. heh. I mean it feels like it does. gah.

We slept with the windows open last night.

gathering.

2011-11-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

Hey, what's up?!

2011-11-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

I feel completely incapable of keeping up with the internet right now and that's pretty much a blessing because it means I've been busy with my own stuff and that I'm not busy here comparing myself with everyone else or lusting over things I don't need. So..hurrah?!

We've been just hovering under the weather like just not feeling top notch. The actual weather has been totally top notch though. We've been soaking it up hardcore. I honestly feel a smidge guilty any moment we're NOT outside and the sun is shining and glowing. It's two-fold really because with a kid, I think it's just the super simple act of teaching about seasons and the way things change but I find us really enjoying each season for what is has to offer. It really does feel transitional and with winter imminent I feel like we're stockpiling sunshine in our bodies. I said something to that effect to Beebs the other day. It was about sunshine being magic and helping us create these vitamins in our body that help us feel good and strong and happy. ha.

Right now we're listening to the "Remember That I Love You" album from Kimya Dawson. We're upstairs in the bedroom portion of our house. We have all the windows open and it's super windy. Beebs has been rubbing lotion in my arms and sitting amidst a pile of books. At this exact moment she's tickling my toes and asking if I want lotion on my feet. She is Happiness.

We ran a heap of books back to the library today and on the way back Beebs said "I really, really want to see your dad, Mom." I said I did too and she said 'Well why didn't the doctors fix him when he was sick? Is he dead forever and ever now?" When she asks these things and makes such sense of them I am at once both amazed and sad and also just sort of hopeful like yeah, wow..I really wish he got to meet you and he didn't but!we've got great people around and we need to really soak them up and enjoy them.

I just finished reading Hunger Games and I just loved it. I was like #300 on the hold list at the library months ago when I added it and I was thrilled when it came in. I devoured it over the weekend and am eagerly awaiting the second book! I may break down and buy it. I had added it to my christmas wish list.
What are you reading? Please always tell me. I have a running written list in the little green notebook in my green buddha bag I carry every day, ok?

It seems like all I ever really write here is what I'm listening to or eating or something my beautiful daughter has done. I guess my life really does revolve around all of those things quite a lot.

2011-10-24T00:06:00.000-05:00

hi and hello.

I was thinking of something clever earlier and I've forgotten it. sorry.

I'm in that place again. It may be that I consumed too much salt this weekend and the sight of my bloated face in a bunch of snapshots taken by my daughter have gotten me down but whatever it is..just feeling a bit bristly.

I love the word Autumn but feel a bit pretentious saying it? Whatever you call it, Fall has me so charmed this year. I told Beebs we've just got to soak up the sunshine every single day because Winter is coming.

Feeling short on close friends and money.
Nothin' much to say here but actually quite a lot?

Omaha Again.

2011-10-16T17:12:00.003-05:00

When Beebs was not quite 6 months old we went on a little trip to Omaha for our anniversary. She was a peach and it was so fun. One of my fondest memories of the trip is us being able to nestle in with her in a king size bed and having so much room to nurse and sleep and all of us spread out instead of in the full size bed we had at home. Ha. It doesn't take much. We also hit up the zoo then and it was such a lovely day. The weather was amazing, the crowds were not bad at all.

Friday afternoon I got off work a couple hours early and we met back at home and loaded up to head to Omaha. Beebs chatted with us the entire time. We were all pretty tired when we arrived and it should already be apparent we are monumentally bad at making decisions. When we upgraded our phones they changed the way we take trips in a very positive way. We used to waste so much of our time just trying to navigate and re-navigate. Anyway, we wanted a real meal and then wanted to head back to the hotel to just relax. We finally decided. I was about to pee my pants but the restaurant was 2 miles away so I decided I'd just wait until we got there. We drove across town, struggled to find a parking place and then finally found a spot and gathered up our sleeping kid. She had just fallen asleep when we got into Omaha. She woke up freezing and we walked to the restaurant - relief! In front of the restaurant waited 2 signs - CLOSED for Private Party. WHAT!? Laughable because I swear to you, we agonize over lame decisions and then something like that happens SO often.

We finally settled on "The Twisted Fork" in the Old Market. Parking was stupid bad and we ended up in a parking garage. We're bad at just sort of getting around in a busy downtown whatnot. I mean, we're talkin' Omaha, NE here, folks. I don't think we'll be headed to NYC anytime soon. Dinner was fine. When we headed back to the hotel we passed 2 people walking the streets in gorilla costumes and Beebs asked, "Hey! Are they monkeying around?!" I died laughing because she's 3 and it makes me laugh when she successfully uses her little sense of humor.

Our room had 2 separate spaces and one had a little pull-out sofa bed which amazed her. It also had a TV on the wall. It was a crazy novelty to her to be in bed watching TV! She's never done that. She bounced around the room just giggling at everything and so surprised and in awe. I realized she'd never seen or played with a normal ol' phone! She was absolutely obsessed with it the entire trip! I unplugged it and she spent a large portion of her time in that room making fake calls. She gasped when she saw the bar of soap in the bathroom had letters on it and she said, "It has my name on it?!" ha. Oh! And the hotel had a "water park" in it. When we pulled up she saw the huge slide coming from the building and just lost it with excitement. All of these small things were just mind-blowing and magical to her. It was so fun to see her amazed at all these things.

Saturday we went to the Henry Doorly Zoo. I was checking online the night before to see their hours and found an announcement that their aquarium was shut down as of Oct 3 and would be until April 2012. I seriously almost cried! I love the aquarium and I had told Beebs about it and she was so excited! She really wanted to see turtles. Luckily we saw turtles elsewhere and she never asked about the aquarium. heh. I missed it though! Later she told us the seahorses at the zoo had been her favorite...we never saw seahorses. heh.

Some things I want to note for myself about this trip. It was super simple. I had a few other things on our list to do and see but in the end we just took our time, rested when we needed to and had a lot of fun that way. Yesterday after the zoo we just went back to the hotel and napped then got up and went to the hotel water park. We had not eaten a meal that day so by about 8:30 that evening I felt sick and was like WE HAVE TO EAT FOOD!!! We did and then just lazed around until the wee hours of the morn. Beebs ate popcorn in bed and made "phone calls" and watched TV. This morning I wasn't sure if we'd just like, grab coffee and skip town or what but Roommate was like I need a real breakfast so we went to this greasy spoon diner. The wait was insane! It was packed! I heard some people ask if it was worth the wait and the lady next to them was like..um..you've never been here?! Oh you're going to love it! So we waited. Took forever to get our food and boy was it worth it. I had literally this massive mound of hashbrowns cooked with peppers and onions and mushrooms and cheeses and it came with a side of gravy. It was so yum. I ate until my belly was so full and have several servings left. heh.

Drive home was cake. It took almost exactly 3 hrs. Beebs talked all the way home and played with her yellow balloon from the diner. She fell asleep less than a mile from home and we were like YES, naptime! She woke up when I put her down and is wide awake! She said her body is awake and ready to exercise. I made a little pot of hot tea for myself and fixed her a plate of fruit and veg to eat to start detoxing. haha. Roommate is crashed out. Happy to be home. That was a rambly post but it sure was a nice little weekend. I'm getting better at embracing the things we enjoy and while we love to try new stuff we don't force things because it seems like what we "should" be doing and things are so much more fun that way! We took our time and just soaked up our little joy baby. She's so happy, so flexible, so mellow and fun. I love her so much. I'm so happy we have her. I'm so glad we take her everywhere with us and always have.

ETA: I just read through this post and do not hardly recognize the person writing it. This doesn't even sound like me? (or does it? heh) Mundane read!

Hope you had a lovely fall weekend. Happy 7 year anniversary to my wonderful, wonderful roommate/husband.

morning: Tuesday

2011-10-11T09:01:00.002-05:00

Steaming cup of tea in front of me. I woke up early when it was still dark and felt so relieved that I could just go back to sleep if I wanted. I could hear Beebs all warm and heavy asleep in her bed. I nestled in and felt awake so I gave up on going back to sleep and got up to take a hot shower. After, with warm muscles, I came downstairs and did yoga. When Beebs wakes up we're headed out on a walk. Last night we walked after dinner as it got dark and we talked about walking this morning.

Last week I noticed my scrubs for work felt just a bit looser. I had stopped weighing for a few weeks. I weighed at work that day and am down 3 pounds. I know that's not a lot but I'll take anything headed in that direction.

In the midst of writing this, Beebs came downstairs and we snuggled under a blanket because she was freezing. Now she's under a blanket and we're having hot cocoa and pumpkin bread for breakfast. ha. Lovely!

Also, oh my - a day next week is supposed to have a high of 56 and rain! Please, warm weather..don't go!

Speakin' of gardening.

2011-10-10T10:06:00.002-05:00

I was just looking up "shady cottage gardens" because I love them. I really love the casual mix of plant textures and colors a la wildflowers or old english gardens. Tasha Tudor anyone? In my search for inspiration I came across something I've seen before and um..think I might be really into, fairy gardens! Here's a link to a pinterest page of fairy garden examples and accessories. I can't say that I'm that into FAIRIES per se but oh these little gardens. Do you think a little girl might find them magical? I sure do. Beebs has never really seen any princessy stuff. She knows of them and loves reading Sleeping Beauty. There's a chance I might change a couple of the words around like, when the wicked fairy wants to KILL Sleeping Beauty and shouts things like "YOU WILL DIE!" heh. It's an old Disney book, one I had growing up (see..OLD). ha. We have a book of Grimm's Fairy Tales and I won't mind if someday she likes reading those it's just that right now, she's 3.

Anyway. Our backyard is very shaded and the person before here implemented some sort of little stone path and I can just see this actually working well in our yard. I mean these fairy gardens are tiny but..just the look of this. Cute! I've always thought these little doors are cute. (I know, dorky, right?!) By the way, Magic Cabin is a great place for kid toys. We have gotten some great things for Beebs from there. OH, you know what else is SUPER DORKY that I think I like (oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm admitting this.) - the eyes/mouth you put into a tree. ha! I took this photo when we were nerdin' it up at Ren Fest.

Expensive planter.
Fairy Cottage - (could live without the actual Fairies!)
Makes sense this is my dream house. Or their new one..that too!

Today has been one of the best kind of days.

2011-10-09T23:32:00.003-05:00

When I realized fall was here I noticed the sunlight was different. I wondered if I was imagining it but it really seemed different and today, wow. It's October indeed. Things were just golden and glowing. I actually thought, wait..is this how it looks on a hot summer day? It isn't.

Beebs went to see Grandma today. She took "Kiki's Delivery Service" with her. They played outside and made popcorn balls. Mom texted me a picture of her sitting on the edge of the deck in her pajamas eating a tomato out of hand with my mom's cat nestled up against her.

While I was meeting Mom to take Beebs to her, Roommate was at home cleaning! I came home and I was like uh..what happened?! heh. We ate a snack and took a NAP! I read until I dozed off and had set the alarm for 30 minutes. Two hours later we emerged and headed outside to work in our yard a couple hours. It looks much better, even with just a bit of sprucing. It's a mess and I don't know where to begin with it for next season. There's so much undoing that needs to take place. Did I tell you my next door neighbor cut down one of my favorite flowers we have. She just..cut the whole bush out. What in the world? It made me so angry yet the next time I saw her I didn't know what to say and so I said nothing. Anyway!

So we raked a bit, cut a bit, mowed, I pulled out every black plastic border I could manage to get unburied (only a couple left!) and we picked up all the stray toys and put them in a big box on the back porch to hang out until it's winter and we maybe put some of them away. I even hosed down the porch and blasted the leaves off to the edges. I did feel a little sad at the chalky milky pink and blues I washed away. She can put down some more!

After our work we made dinner, ate dinner, talked through dinner then did the dishes together. Laundry was folded, books read. I fnished _Visit From the Good Squad_ and he's still working on _Suttree_. We had some special hugging time and then read some more. I feel buoyed up. I've been reading some things I like while posting this and really I should sleep soon. It was a really lovely Sunday here.

"Children are miraculous." - Sark

2011-10-04T07:36:00.000-05:00

Fall is my season.

2011-10-01T00:12:00.002-05:00

I posted earlier on the twit that I feel more like myself in this weather. It's like I just..sink into it with a sigh. Slump down into a comfy, cozy little place and said oh yes, this, I remember this. Right now I'm listening to Rasputina and drinking coffee shortly after midnight. My daughter is still awake (oops?) listening to music and drawing pictures. I have on the comfiest purple pants made of softest soft and a little sweater and I just feel so happy and relaxed and cozy. Tomorrow we're going to Ren Fest and I'm excited. ha. It's pirate weekend and Beebs loves pirates and I think she's just going to love it. She's just exploding with..stuff lately. She says things that just blow me away. At her doctor's visit this week she told jokes and informed the dr (at my work) she had a few simple questions for her..

This evening we've listened to songs from the Lord of the Rings movies, Amelie soundtrack, Rasputina, Joanna Newsom, Hum, Offspring, Steve Earle and Robert Earl Keen - oh! and Matson Jones!! Why don't more people know and love them?! A little bit of arson never hurt anyone... xo "So come on, Fall, bring your tattered leaves, bring your cold whipping wind..that drops me to my knees." ah. matson jones.

When I read back through my posts from autumns past - they all sound similar. Coffee, cool breezes and music. It's my thriving time. I'm a predictable creature of comfort.

slizzle mizzle.

This was the lil' beebles 3 yrs ago today. She was just over 6 months so she got to try a bit of solids. first taste here. drrrriiip. happy baby rice cereal. (lame)

indulging.

2011-09-26T00:25:00.001-05:00

I'm mocha'ing my hair. After my family went to sleep I came downstairs with a book. I made a little pot of lavender earl grey tea, put a hot flax pack on my back because I dunno, I'm 80 and it feels good? I watched quite a few tutorials, read some instructions then went and cut my hair. I took off a few inches and it's uneven as hell but at the bare minimum I took off the straw bits. I even snipped in some random layers. ha. mess. After the trim I went in the kitchen and stirred together some whole milk plain yogurt, coffee grounds and some brewed black coffee left in the press from this morning. I added cocoa and cinnamon and rubbed this chunky mess all over my hair in the hopes it will darken it a bit. I have no idea if it will but I smell amazing.

C'mere, you.

2011-09-22T06:58:00.000-05:00

Man. I am just feeling kind of bummed out and motherly this morning. I'm reading all the responses to Troy Davis' execution in the night and it's really really sad. And shocking. But not. It seems everywhere I've popped in this morning online people are just sad, man. They're sick, tired, annoyed with their kids, lonely, angry, grieving, confused and on and on. It's a normal day, sure. Is it the weather changing? Do people feel the oppressive winter coming? heh. I'm wishing I could just spread my wings and gather everyone into my [ample] bosom and provide some sort of soothing, healing goodness.

If that's you today I'm wishing you some peace, that you'll allow yourself some grace, that you'll feel loved, that you feel pleasantly surprised, that the sun warms your back, that you get to rest, that your belly is full, your back is scratched, your load seems lighter.

In which I ramble.

2011-09-20T08:17:00.000-05:00

Just sat here and wrote an entire post on constipation calls that come into the dr's office I work at and I was so bleh by the end of it I clicked save and closed it. I nearly clicked delete and decided meh, I'd just tuck it into a draft pile.

Yesterday I was sort of keeping tabs on myself throughout the day and making mental notes of all I had not accomplished. We got up yesterday morning and shuffled around having our usual sort of slow morning. I am so glad that we do not have daily up and out the door obligations. We were supposed to have Beebs' Gymboree class yesterday - her last one of our groupon trial thing but she insisted multiple times she did not want to go. She's usually thrilled when I tell her it's class day but she told me she did not want to go and that she did not want to spend her whole life there. ha! I listened and we can make up a class so we stayed home.

A friend told me about a school to check out and so we did. She loved it and wanted to stay. I was awkward mom sort of trailing around after her. She was ready to dive in and I was sort of doing the casual visit. I felt like I should have a million questions but I couldn't think of a single thing. I was weird. It's a cool place. I didn't get any bad vibes but I can tell I will have a hard time letting go. The program is only 3 hrs a day and we're planning on only doing 2 days a week. There were lots of cool things in the class to play with and I kept feeling sad that she'd be playing with these things and I wouldn't get to see her enjoying them! heh.

So we left the school, headed to Whole Foods and ate lunch together. I had a pile of kale salad with garlicky dressing and it was just so good. How to make that dressing? It was thick and it was like some leaves were just sort of frosted with it. MMm! I also had tabouleh (why do I always forget to make this?) and balsamic roasted beets and kamut salad. I'm making this wheat berry salad today from 101 Cookbooks. I can't find the recipe on her blog - it's in one of her books I have. Anyway, it has spinach and feta and looks super tasty. I've never made wheat berry salad! (check this)What I want to clarify here on this blog is that while I eat lots of healthy yums, I also eat some crap but the issue is more about moderation I think? I'm trying to figure out the issue. Always. So I might eat a plate full of absolute amazingness and then in the evening when I turn into a ravenous beast -- I might eat 4 brownies. Ya see? I can seriously eat beautifully all day and by nightfall...look out! I'm working very hard at not eating after dinner or at least 3 hrs before bedtime. We don't eat dinner until 6 or later because that's when Roommate gets home from work.

To make this week. Otsu - one of the best things I've eaten!

Oh, so I was saying, gosh. (food - black hole) Lunch with Beebs. She was very interested in eating blackberries and that was most of her lunch. She also had some chocolate milk as a treat. We gathered a few groceries and a few more goodies for Grandma's birthday bag. In the produce section Beebs found a rambutan and the produce guy ran up and scared her saying it was going to eat her. She jumped and threw it and ran to me. He apologized and I told her he was making a joke and then she told him she just wanted to see it and he asked if she wanted to taste it and he pulled a knife from his pocket and split it open for her. I had what would make a funny sketch moment making fun of hippie moms or something where I was like YAY, learning is taking place! haha. It was neat though and he also let her play with a horned melon.

There are so many times when I'm out in public or interact with someone in a casual setting where I literally feel like I'm having an out of body experience and I'm just like..who are you? What was that weird half-laugh that just came out of you? Why are you talking like that? Like..I'm having trouble just being my true self.

How dorky am I for wanting these pants? I honestly think I'm too short to wear them anyway.

This has been a confusing post. Yesterday was a good day. The weather was beautiful. Today Beebs and I are going to probably just stay home and play and I have to spend a chunk of time on signing up for Roommate's insurance so I can dump my COBRA. Yay! I also need to cut off my pot of arugula outside and do something tasty with it.

"We should always know that we can do anything."

2011-09-13T02:07:00.001-05:00

I know you probably know these or you're not interested but either way. They're lovely and this song(that song) does give me a lift. a boost. some power.

"Go Do" - Jonsi

Go sing too loud
Make your voice break - Sing it out
Go scream do shout
Make an earthquake...

You wish fire would die and turn colder
You wish your love could see you grow older
We should always know that we can do anything

Go drum do go out
Make your hands ache - Play it out
Go march through crowds
Make your day break...

You wish silence released noise in tremors
You wish I know it surrender to summers
We should always know that we can do everything

Go do you´ll know how to
Just let yourself fall into landslide

Go do you´ll know how to
Just let yourself give into low tide

Go do!

Tie strings to clouds
Make your own lake - Let it flow
Throw seeds to sprout
Make your own break - Let them grow

Let them grow (Endless summers)
Let them grow (Endless summers)

(Go do endless summers)

You will survive we´ll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under

You will survive we´ll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under
We should always know that we can do anything

Go do!

2011-09-13T01:59:00.001-05:00

I'm giving myself the length of a song to post to you here.
You know those magic eye pictures you look at and you have to relax your eyes just so to find the picture..even let them cross a little maybe. I used to have a magic way of finding that place mentally when I wanted to write something here. It's harder for me to find that place these days...that place where I just relax and I'm not there and I see it. It flows out and sometimes doesn't make a lot of sense or maybe it's actually perfect sense. In that place that feels like The Cusp. again.
I am eager.
I think I made some decisions today that feel a little like a weight lifted.
Fall is such a strange time. It just showed up. plop. It'll disappear with little notice.
I'm going to make potato soup.
My daughter is beautiful.
Thinking too hard to get the picture in focus. I'll type with my eyes closed. Sometimes that works. It flows better.
Time to go.

Labor Day

2011-09-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

I love long weekends with our little family.

I wrote a comment on this lady's post that said she felt like there were about two days of summer left and I said, "Summer is hot here and at times it felt like it was droning on and on and I’d sweat for the rest of my life but then it’s always RIGHT NOW that I realize summer is sighing its last and I’m like whoah, wait! I meant to swim more! Sweating isn’t so bad! I meant to work outside and sweat more! And then suddenly it’s fall which means winter is breathing down our necks. Fall never, ever seems to drone on and on."

My mom spent the night with us Saturday night. Yesterday when we woke up we poured our coffee and took it outside because the weather was like hey you, remember fall? I was like oh man, DO I! Beebs helped us gather little sticks and before long we had a fire going in our fire pit. We drank coffee in the sun with a cool breeze and a fire and I felt so surprised all day. This weather! Wow. Summer went so fast. Ahh. This weather. There was lots of sighing and sitting and running around the backyard. I kept looking around at the mess that is our backyard and being so annoyed with myself for not making something fabulous of it (yet!).

We ate toast with pear butter I made (pears and lemon and ginger, oh my!). I had cooked that slow slow, for hours in the oven and it reduced down to something lovely. I started re-reading a book. Beebs dug around in the yard and found a caterpillar. She put him in an old glasses case lined with red velvety stuff and added a torn leaf. In the end she wondered what the green squish coming from his butt was. His guts, dear. His guts. The caterpillar had joined us inside for a break from the fire when we had popcorn and watched "The Great Pumpkin." Campfire pies and hide and seek drew our evening to a close. After a warm bath and 3 books, Beebs turned over and closed her eyes, pressing my hand into her belly. We started watching The Illusionist (which I was thoroughly enjoying!) but I just couldn't stay awake. I read the last 3 pages of Babycatcher and went to bed.

This morning it's 55 degrees and I'm having coffee alone. I opened the front door for light and breeze but actually felt chilly. Looking forward to this last day of our long weekend together.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I cannot believe it has been nearly 5 years since my dad died. I still have those moment where it really feels like wait, that didn't really happen..if I think hard enough he'll be right here and I can introduce him to Beebs and they'll be great friends. I wish he could know her. I wish he could know me as a mom. While I am not confident in a whole lot about myself, I am confident that my daughter is absolutely wonderful and exudes so much joy.

It seems like September is often an important month.

Sept 2004 - I'm in disbelief that it's September. I talk about music and coffee and long weekends. (also, sore throat, hot hot tea)

Sept 2005 - I'm into surrealist images, married and in school, taking chemistry to get ready for nursing school. (also, sore throat, hot hot tea) This is the month I find out my dad is dying of cancer. I quote Bob Dylan "Lay down your weary tune, lay down. Rest yourself 'neath the strength of spring. No voice can hope to hum."

Sept 2006 - I write about hospice and last days, I post when my dad dies and write about his funeral. I visit his grave.

Sept 2007 - I get my first nursing job a week after finding out I am (surprise!) pregnant with a hybrid.

Sept 2008 - This and music and this.

Sept 2009 - I write about my dad, my kid, a trip.

Sept 2010 - I am relishing in cooler air, coffee, music, my kid. I'm a nurse in labor & delivery now.

Sept 2011- The air is much cooler, so suddenly. I'm in love with coffee and music. I plan a trip to my dad's grave with my husband and daughter.

A box of fruit indeed.

2011-08-28T22:27:00.000-05:00

I'm alone in the living room. I can hear the dryer, the end credits to "Ilona, Upstairs" and the water trickling in our fish tank. Years ago I bought this fish tank and I stupidly killed some fish not knowing what they needed. After a few google searches we took Beebs yesterday to choose some fish. We let her look awhile before asking if she'd like to get some to bring home with us and she was speechless. She glowed. She was so excited. I love that.

We got a couple platy fish and a couple mollies. When we woke up this morning our fish population had doubled. One of the mollies had babies. The filter claimed several tiny fish lives. I cleaned off 6 and there were 4 swimming around then. Last I looked there were 2. They eat their babies. Sorry, Beebs. Anyway, she's absolutely in love with these fish. I hope we can keep around a little bit! heh.

My mom came to visit us and brought an enormous box of pears today. They were super ripe so we ended up turning on some music and juicing them. A bit past 10 cups of juice we decided it was enough and we cut up the ones Beebs hadn't eaten yet and filled a pot. We cooked them down really slow and then I pushed them through a colander to make something like pear sauce. I was thinking of cooking a bit down with ginger.

My mom cans like a pro. I wish I had any ounce of that skill (or pressure cooking ability). Have you ever had pear honey? I'll tell you it's amazing. It has pears and pineapple, sometimes ginger or whatever you like. It's super tasty on toast. Mom used the juice to make a form of pear honey that apparently is very much like actual honey. She said it's delicious and she's thinking of all sorts of uses. She texted me to say she thought it'd be wonderful with a vanilla bean in it and poured on pancakes. Oh mom!

This is a perfect tea for fall - Yerba Mate Latte. I know it's not fall yet but it's coming and I'm drinking this right now so.. yes. That photo is exactly what the loose leaf looks like. It's so pretty.
I suppose that's all for now.

Friday night

2011-08-26T22:29:00.000-05:00

Oh hey. It's Friday night and 20/20 is on. I'm halfway watching and it's about homeless kids or runaways and I was instantly like, Roommate! Let's adopt! One boy on this show - at 17 his mom bought him a greyhouse bus ticket and sent him to San Francisco to be with family..only on his way out his mom was like, oh by the way, you have no family in San Fran. Good Luck.

I've heard some pretty horrific stories in the past 2 days regarding the lives of children.
____________________________________________

I am really enjoying shopping for my mom's birthday. The older I get the more we know each other and also see ways in which our interests intersect.

I come here and start to type random stuff and I am immediately distracted. I am getting these 2 books for my mom for her birthday and I can't wait to borrow them. Right now I'm reading this and loving it. I absolutely love reading midwifery memoirs. I try to imagine myself as a midwife and it's hard because I think I lack the confidence required, the ability to make a quick, sure decision. But oh do I love reading about it.

Here's a rug I could not afford but think is super cute. I already posted it on twitter but: Animal Rug
I work tomorrow (Saturday). Boo.
Love this teacup for my mom but wonder if it would make her sad because her hive swarmed and left.
longest acres -- oh how much I enjoy this blog.
I bought this dress for Beebs((in diff colors)). Beebs has that hat too!!! gah! I pretty much plan on her living in it for..a long time. I bought a larger size. The other dress I have from the Green goat (love her!!) is short now as a dress but still perfect as a shirt with pants so lotsa life with these. Mary is a really neat mama, does great stuff and is super fast! She loves doing custom orders and also has specials/giveaways/etc.

About a dream.

2011-08-25T07:22:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt of flying, being on this massive, crazy insane plane. I'm not sure what kind of trip I was on but it involved many people from high school. (oh here we go) .. We would land and do some things then take off..fly some more..land, etc. It did not appear to be a pleasure journey but rather one of survival. What I most remember from this dream is my relationship with friends. In the dream, 2 of my last remaining people from high school, one being my best friend since I was 7, was lost (or so I thought). I was in a panic, searching and on our plane I stood up and asked if anyone...ANYONE had seen her. I kept asking, searching. And there she sat in front of me and she looked at me, annoyed and said "Um. I'm right here." I was relieved but confused, why didn't you tell me? I've been looking everywhere!

Somewhere else in the dream I stumbled across a couple friends I thought were still living in another country and I asked, confused, when did you get back? They'd been back a long time. They didn't want me to know.

I woke up with that kind of leftover emotion that just sort of sits inside. I felt sad and abandoned. I'm still trying to shake it. The dream is definitely a good representative of some feelings lately. Through the life of this blog I've spent a portion of time analyzing friendships I have or..do not have. I still do not understand them. This post seems sad but I am perpetually in that place.

What I'm gonna do?

2011-08-23T10:49:00.001-05:00

I've been reading up a bit on becoming a lactation consultant. I think it might be a good plan to first become a lactation counselor type person and then decide if I wanna go full-blown IBCLC. The latter takes more time but it'd be helpful that I have my BSN, I think.

gah. I had this whole post planned out but life calls. Beebs is in a box pretending it's a sailboat (I love that!), we need stamps to mail our letters to friends, I have to pee, etc.
Happy week. How is it suddenly like..almost the end of August? I'm in shock.

Oh! Happy day to me!

2011-08-09T00:25:00.001-05:00

Oh goodness..it was only after I posted my last bit and went to check the archives I realized that my blog is 7 years old today! (It's 12:01 as I wrote this so now it's technically August 9) I laughed reading through the month of August from 2004 -- lonely, wanting a new job, got a new job - complaining about it. I hurt some people, got hurt, told secrets, made more secrets. I lived alone in this little house and listened to the stereo on top of my refrigerator at full blast all the time. I listened to Jem and the soundtrack to Morvern Callar ALL the time. (that is an amazing soundtrack and I did love the movie) I was quoting Alanis Morissette and my parents were getting a divorce after being married 30 yrs. I was wanting a dog (still am!). I wrote about Roommate calling him my "soothing balm, a salve." We weren't together then. We had been for a few years and then we weren't and then we got married. Right now I'm listening to "Broadcast." I should go to sleep. Roommate is upstairs here in our house, in our bed. I stayed up while he read our little girl books until she fell asleep..

goodnight.

Itchy.

2011-08-08T23:54:00.001-05:00

Feel like I'm just keeping time at my current job. I'm somewhat ok with that for the place I'm in right now but also gettin' itchy, wanting more. I don't want to work full-time again. I don't want to do 12 hr days again. I am thrilled to be with my kid more. I work in a pediatric office and really all I do is make kids cry all day. Literally.

This year Roommate and I will have been married 7 years. I told him if he gets an itch, I'll scratch it. heh.

I am sitting here just breathing really deep. I took a sharp nosedive off The Wagon and into the pavement at the end of last week. I felt so liberated but then found myself dog-paddling in guilt (of similar viscosity to molasses in winter).

I haven't cut my hair in a long time again. When's the last time I went? It's been less than a year but nigh on a year I think. It's long and the ends are fraying into tiny shreds of straw. I wear it up every day. Last night I went to bed with it wet. I woke up with it parted down the middle and hanging down the sides of my head and I scratched my head and thought for a moment I looked like a real life Hippie (Hippy?) and thought gosh, I must do this more often.

Juicy.

2011-08-07T16:54:00.000-05:00

We just piddled around at home all day and sometimes I forget how great that feels. We got a new Z Star juicer. It's a manual juicer and I absolutely adore it. Roommate bought totally out-of-season from who-knows-where oranges yesterday and was so excited to juice them. We have lots of veggies to juice too. I'm like uh..should I plant a flat of wheatgrass??! Out of control. Anyway, today was just fruit juicin'. First we juiced the oranges then I did several lemons to make a pitcher of lemonade while we sipped OJ. Beebs is awesome at juicing. I prepped the fruit and she would put it in, press it down with the plunger and crank the handle. Literally, my 3 yr old was using this juicer - no prob. I can see with hard veg she'd need some assistance.

So yeah, lemonade. I made a pitcher and then added some juiced ginger to my glass. I would also like to try it with some basil or lavender or mint. Mmm!!! I absolutely love ginger. We juiced apples and pears too. Pears kinda smooshed, meh no big yum factor here really but I wonder if we could make some amazing apple cider in the fall after a crisp orchard visit? Sounds perfect? yess'm. We put the apple/pear juice into popsicle molds.

What else? Next, we juiced not quite half a seedless watermelon and a few limes (whole). Beebs drank a glass of the watermelon juice and then I froze the rest into an amazing sorbet. Holy refreshing fantasticness. We probably got 2 1/2 - 3 cups of juice from that amt of watermelon (not much - so juicy, ya'know?). I used abt 2 c watermelon juice, the whole juiced limes (super limey I think from squeezing peel too? was nervous it'd be bitter but was delightful). I had made a little simple syrup I used in the lemonade so I used just a bit of that in the sorbet. I froze it in my kitchen aid stand mixer's freezer bowl thing. It works so great for making homemade ice cream and now sorbet. Yum. I ran across a recipe for lemon basil sorbet. YES!! I also want to note in case you're interested in that juicer -- it is also SUPER easy to clean. Pops apart, rinse, give the inside a quick scrub with the lg toothbrushy thing included and done. It goes back together easy peasy. We broke it down in the middle of our juicing to clean out the pear smoosh and it's not a prob or something I'd dread.

I'm gonna make some ass-kickin' green juices..have cucumbers to juice, kale/chard etc. Parsley/mint..spinach, your mom, what else? Any combos or recipes you've got..let me know! I've got so many ideas! It can also make peanut butter or almond butter.

That First sucked.

2011-08-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday at work I am pretty sure I experienced my first migraine. I didn't want my eyes open and I felt like I was about to puke. I felt like I couldn't talk one more minute or ask anymore questions and I blurted out to a co-worker "I'm having like the worst headache ever." My nursey co-workers sat me down and flitted about and checked my blood pressure and then told me to go lay down in one of the rooms. We had less than an hour left in the work day. One of the docs told me I should just go home and go to bed while I still felt ok to drive.

I came home and ate a bowl of (gluten free!) cereal and went to bed. The pain started all over my head but turned into a strictly left-sided headache, creeping back to my neck. My sister in law had a brain aneurysm last year but I my pain wasn't like that I don't think. The neck pain was weird though. Anyway, I have no experience with migraines. I cut out caffeine about 4 days ago so I thought perhaps it was caffeine withdrawal..HOWEVER.. I've noticed that just now, the laptop is bringing that left-sided throbbing back. Do you think I need glasses? Is it the light? I don't get headaches reading. I felt better in the middle of the night last night and started looking at my phone and here came that headache again. Weird.

I don't feel like I drank a LOT of caffeine but I was drinking it. I had coffee several days a week but not every day. I also drank the occasional soda. Shit, my head is like pulsing throb throb throb on the left side, behind my eye, side of my head. ick. Time to shut the laptop and make a green smoothie. I'm very proud to say that despite this crap-tastic headache (I really am not a headachey type whine whine) today is day 4 of eating gluten free/dairy free/meat free/sugar free/caffeine free. Oh, I did have small cup of yerba mate last night with some caffeine in it. I was desperate to ease up the headache.

A post for memory's sake all about my girl.

2011-08-02T09:55:00.000-05:00

Beebs is now 3 years 3 months old. The nickname "Beebs" just..doesn't suit her any longer..it hasn't for awhile.

She is smart and sensitive and so funny. Last night she told me that she wants me to drive a motorcycle and Roommate to drive a truck. She likes to talk about when she gets big and what she's going to do then. She likes to make people feel better. She likes to pretend she's a doctor and I'm the nurse. haha.

Called a pogo stick a pombo stick (which I love).
Is eager to act like other people and thus has made it difficult for me around other kids sometimes.
Tall - not sure where that comes from - not me or Dad.
Likes to draw and makes hilarious little people with arms sticking straight out of the head and legs the same. They kind of look like humpty dumpty but cuter. She used to give a straight line for a mouth but now she draws the line and then goes back and makes it curve up at the ends and says "there, a smile!" They always have curly hair - her people.

Loves animals. Loves going to the farm that is Grandma's house.

Has recently taken to experimenting with saying some mean things. I think I can pinpoint what started this but says things like stupid, this or that or that we are stupid, that she hates stuff, hates us, that she doesn't even like us a little bit. I can tell you I'm not sure the proper way to respond to this. I do respond but then at times I think any response encourages it to continue. I don't get angry but I have told her those things aren't kind and hurt people's feelings.

Sleeps in her own bed, likes to come to ours early in the morning sometimes. We don't mind. We read loads of books, especially before bedtime.
Only likes baths - does NOT like showers. Will spend FOREVER in a bath making farmer and his friends talk.
Very much into making us be the voice of any array of stuffed animals to carry on conversation. She also likes to pretend we are her children and she's the mom or dad. She often prefers to play the dad. When she was a baby, Roommate stayed home with her full-time and I don't know if that's the reason but she seems much more comfortable around men than women, boys vs. girls. It may just be..something else, I don't know. I think she enjoys playing with boys because they are often just into playing and sometimes girls are so..complainy or bossy. Meh, you're too close to me, stop copying me, don't touch me, I don't like you, blah blah blah. My friend has a 5 yr old little boy and he and Beebs can literally play for hours together. They dress up as superheroes and play with figures and run around pretending and love it. I love when they play together. He's so sweet and wants to give her his stuff to play with and if he creates a costume he digs out a pile of stuff for her to create one. I love that.

Rides a bike. Likes letters. Likes to make mail for our friends and send it. Loves swinging. Loves spaghetti and meatballs. Is absolutely crazy about her uncle, Roommate's brother. Loves to be outside. Haaaaaaaaaaaates for me to brush her hair. Loves stickers. Eats a myriad of vegetables. Likes vinegar, pickles, sour things -- will drink pickle juice (I always did that! mm!). Seems to be getting "over" Sesame Street? She used to really look forward to watching it and is now just mostly uninterested. Loves music. Loves to dance. Hates putting her underwear back on after going potty. Loves the library.

We take her everywhere with us. It doesn't cross my mind not to. She's fun, loves adventures, loves going places with us. There are times lately when she says she'd like to just stay home though and that's ok too.

Crazy Sexy Stuff.

2011-08-02T08:52:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Crazy Sexy Diet. Tassie had mentioned it and I immediately put it on hold at the library forever ago. I've been totally taking advantage of interlibrary loans, books on hold, etc. but find that I make this awesome list and on one book I'm number 76 and another book I'm number 3 yet somehow 4 will come in all at once and I'm like crap! So there have been several books I check out and then don't get to finish because someone else has them on hold. Wow, library tangent there. Anyway, this is one book I'd like to buy.

I hesitate to talk about any of this because - you know - it's like I'll jinx myself or set myself up for failure or whatever. When it got hot (today's forecast is 108) my exercising went down the drain. With the exception of working around the house or a few lazy trips to the pool there has been no intentional exercise and that makes me very sad. I'm not going to linger on that because it is what it is and I'm going to improve. Improving feels so good. Failing feels bad. We've established that. Moving on!

Anyway, I've been reading this book. First I flipped through and read bits and pieces then I started reading front to back and now I read it any moment I can, standing at the counter, before bed, when I wake up, etc. I go back and re-read, I make grocery lists and there's a 21-day "Adventure Cleanse" I'd really like to do. This is the part where I hesitate to talk because I feel like when you say "cleanse" people roll their eyes. This is tons of nutrition, juices, veggies, salads, rice, quinoa, all kinds of good stuff but it's no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no meat. Kris Carr is the author and the way she talks in the book is so positive. At 31 she was diagnosed with Cancer and began making radical changes to her diet. In her book she's very much of the mindset that any change you make - great! I have to tell myself 11,000 times throughout the course of the day that I'm not a failure if I don't follow something perfect because if I don't, I definitely feel like a failure. I thought I'd take this week to cut out many of those things and really cut out coffee and then I think next week I'll start the cleanse.

I consider yesterday my day 1 of starting to change. No meat, dairy, gluten yesterday. I ate soo many vegetables. It was a good time. I want to have plenty of choices and a plan on hand for dinners because I can do awesome all day and then it's like dinner/evening time I turn into a savage beast. I asked Roommate how we'd do this if I wanted to do the cleanse and create my meals around that and what I'd feed them and he said well I can eat that way too! Just that little sentiment felt so encouraging like OK, let's just go for it! It's not that we just usually eat crap for dinner but it's different than the cleanse and we do sometimes eat meat and dairy. And gluten. My mom raised a cow and butchered it so that's the meat we've been eating for awhile. There it is.

((While I was sitting here typing this Beebs just woke up and stumbled outta bed and the first thing she sleepily said was, "Mom, why is it Summer now?"))

This post has become disjointed but aren't they all? It's total stream-of-consciousness around here more often than not. I don't plan these things. They just get spewed out when I have a moment to sit and type them.

A mom-friend I met not long ago suggested that the 2 of us try this getting healthy thing together. We're working independently and reporting back to one another. It's fine. This hasn't worked much for me in the past. You know how it goes..the enthusiasm wanes and ya stop checking in and .. shrug. I do fear that her idea of getting healthy and mine are much different but that's ok. We'll do our things and see what happens. We "weighed in" yesterday which was very strange for me. I think the only person that knows my weight is the nurse at my doctor's office. I just am careful that none of this process turn gimicky or such that wouldn't be viable as a life-change. I'd love to shed pounds as a side-effect of healthy eating and moving but I'd prefer to have a happy heart and no diabetes and a long life ahead. My dad was diabetic and died of cancer and another person in our immediately family has recently been diagnosed with cancer. In fact, we've had such an enormous amount of family things going on that when I pause to think about it..it's just surreal. All prayers and good vibes welcome. Really really welcome. Pray for a coming together.

To Do List:

2011-07-25T08:50:00.000-05:00

Reviving the old art of the to do list. I often shun these because man, they take over! BUT! I have carefully constructed some lately that have more served to just..focus me. I cannot deny that crossing everything off is thrilling.

Rustle up b-day cards for J and M and mail - j first, m next week.
Return library books that are overdue.
buy coffee creamer and coffee beans to make toddy
return call from doc's office
water garden
take Beebs to the creek at SMP

2011-07-24T12:39:00.000-05:00

Our sweet girl spent the night at Grandma's last night. She does this every once in awhile and I often cry as we drive away. We just love being around her and always are. She adores going to my mom's house. She has a little basket she takes out to get the eggs. She swims in an old stock tank my mom fills in the yard. They visit the cows. Last night when my mom pulled up in her truck Beebs said "Maybe we could make ice cream. That be a good idea?" They made homemade chocolate ice cream (and probably had it for dinner). My mom said at 7:30 Beebs announced out of nowhere it was bedtime and was asleep before my mom could even read Little Hoot.
((By the way, we are definite fans of Little Hoot, Little Oink and Little Pea.))

Anyway, once we bid her a fond farewell, strapped into her seat in the backseat of Mom's truck, we went and got Roommate some desperately needed new pants, new underwear and socks! Woohoo!! We also got an extension for our garden hose! We ate dinner and came home to have some gin & tonics (I added cucumber to mine!) and watch "Micmacs." I really liked the movie. Same director as "Amelie" and "City of Lost Children." It definitely had that "Amelie look."

I should attempt to be productive and clean or something until Beebs is home. Meh! We slept in and had coffee. Roommate's doing laundry. Can't wait to see her!

Self-love.

2011-07-21T08:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry, not that kind.
I was lying in bed last night trying to decipher this funk. I've been unable to just climb out so it seemed like I might as well just try the simple method of working backwards and kind of unraveling how I got here. My conclusion was mostly that I have fallen off the moving wagon which T and I agreed feels bad. It just..feels bad. It's disappointing and physically feels bad. I also have been sorta hatin' on myself. A few weeks ago I had made a conscious effort to embrace all of myself and then work to feel better instead of just feeling like everything's going to suck until I've lost X amt of weight or whatever. I've since fallen into that place that feels more like this: You're a failure. You failed at exercising again. Your scrub pants feel too tight. I bet patients and their family members are appalled when walking behind you to an exam room. Yikes, hope your pants don't split when you bend over to pick up that pen. You're fat and gross. Why would your husband want to have sex with you? I hammer this self-talk at myself in a ridiculous, mean way and suddenly I'm low, low, low.

A few weeks ago I bought a shirt I liked, some incense I liked and a headband that I loved. I never wear headbands and it felt fun to do so. I felt like I was returning to myself. On a walk one morning with Beebs I was just sweating and cruising along and it felt so purifying. These things have culminated over a week or two and the past few days have been hard. I've spent time just sitting staring like wtf is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

This is seriously present in my circle of being but I'm determined to halt that right now and get back to where I was headed. I think that's probably the (very obvious?) key and at some point you probably identify what that Thing is that gets you to a bad place much sooner and can head it off. Maybe then instead of weeks (that turn into years) of self-loathing you shut that negativity down almost instantly and move on.

Movin' on.

2011-07-19T11:10:00.003-05:00

T made me wanna post more pictures here. Can't decide on a simple looking whatever for this place.
I'm a mess, ya'll.

Hallo!

2011-07-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

Whassup?
I've felt super disconnected the past week or so. It's been busy and I've just not had much time to focus on any one thing for long. I can't even describe what's going on in my head. It's mostly just a basic lack of connection with people, I think?

Roommate's fam has a few different health issues going on and we're in that weird limbo place of waiting for answers. Kind of worried.

Physical activity has been squat the past several days. I move non-stop all day when I'm at work but would like to still do intentional activities on those evenings and I haven't been. We've also had a wee bit if viral snottiness lingering through the house. I think I'm over my bit mostly and now Beebs is dabbling in it. She told me a bit ago from beneath a blanket on the couch, "Mom? I'm not feeling well."

I'd like to just take my little family and go off on some lovely little vacation for awhile. Our last vacation was a trip to Texas for a wedding and a stopover in Austin a couple years ago.

When we're eating and living very intentionally I feel better. When we're thoughtfully spending our evenings together and eating meals that are nourishing -- everything nourishing -- it's so much better. Feeling rushed from work and obligations taps into my nourishment time. It does help fund said nourishment though. heh.

How about a few links for this scattered post?
Molly over at Orangette mentioned some soaps she was enjoying. I'm a dork so I ordered the same 2 she was talking about and then randomly chose by name one for my mom. I couldn't find on their site a description of the scents so it was a gamble. For mom I got "Queen of the Nile" which happens to be scented with lavender, sweet orange oil and patchouli. Pretty much my all time favorite scents right there. It's amazing. I'm using the Washington Woods scent right now. Service was SUPER fast -- my only complaint being that shipping cost me $10.50. I will admit I can't remember seeing the shipping cost when I ordered but it arrived in a flat rate box which shows $5.00 in postage and I now see on their site a $7.00 flat rate for orders under $40 so now I'm confused. Either way -- their soap is lovely.

A fun summer playlist from Katie at Skunkboy.

Hey, my friend posted again finally.
I'm outta stuff.

2011-07-01T21:30:00.002-05:00

It is endlessly frustrating to feel like your own body is your enemy.

2011-06-28T14:10:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we strolled for 2 miles, to a part of our neighborhood we'd never been to.
We went by the library and stopped at the playground between there and our house.
When I read other ppl talking about how they did this or that exercise-wise I usually don't process it. I just don't want to. You might feel that way about my mentions and that's ok but it's mostly for myself I put it here. So I walked 2 miles, big deal, well I wasn't sitting on the couch so hurrah.
Sweat ran down my back and I was so happy about it.

Each day it's like ok, what's our Activity going to be today? I want it to be routine and already it feels like it is becoming that way.

2011-06-27T07:07:00.001-05:00

Carrots from my mom's garden and a basmati bag, burlap complete with a zipper and handle. love.

Still an object in motion.

2011-06-27T06:28:00.000-05:00

Working to stay in motion.
I can tell you that once you have started moving it is much easier to do a little bit every day. I haven't made much progress on couch to 5k and I'm just going with the flow. I got up to do it this morning (woke up at 4 am..WHY?) and felt really excited to do it and as I stood on the front porch stretching in the dark it started sprinkling. I thought hrm, this might feel lovely, a few cool sprinkles while I go for it and then out of nowhere the wind picked up and it was raining sideways. It was almost laughable like, holy cow, if I'd left a couple minutes earlier I'd..well..I'd have been wet. heh.(What was I going to say there? AHH, I could've blown away!? what?)

Yesterday I went back to the restorative yoga class I was going to after Beebs was born. It felt so good then. I was in this totally surreal state, feeling like a different person having just become a mom, with a body that felt unfamiliar, a body much smaller than the one I'm in right now. The teacher is different now which makes me kinda sad but she'll grow on me. The class then felt kind of miraculous because I was getting to know the smaller me and getting more limber and less bulk in the way and I'm eager to find that place (and beyond) again.

We have been doin' a bit of swimming, walks in the park, etc. I took Beebs on a walk on a trail the other day and she was so over it. I had an app on that was tracking distance/speed/calories/etc. While on a walk with Beebs we totally MEANDER. I'm fine with that but it doesn't burn much. ha. Beebs was feeling a little off that day, kind of puny. We walked a little over a mile and I wish the app could tell which parts of my walk were spent carrying a 35-40lb kid! In the end I was cruising up this hill with Beebs and the app congratulated me on burning what equaled 4 carrots. Woo!

So this probably sounds super mundane. I usually love reading posts like this. I totally love hearing about people's day to day - especially "day-in-the-life" type posts. I'm just excited to be able to come back to this and see The Start.

On Moving.

2011-06-23T07:21:00.000-05:00

My friend, T, sent me an email yesterday that didn't say a lot but did say "you can do it!" and you wouldn't believe the weight of encouragement that sent to me. I'm embarrassed to say my ankle has been hurting so much since I fell and the thought of jogging on it was downright painful. I can walk on it so I thought today I'd just see what jogging felt like. Guys, I don't jog. I woke up early this morning and the air was so nice and cool. In preparation I stretched in my kitchen and tried to tame the negative self-talk that mostly sounded like this: "Who do you think you are?" I had visions of junior high gym class as I went through the stretches. The couch to 5k program recommended stretching after warming up while the muscles were warm but no way was I going to stretch outside where people might see me and think I thought I knew what I was doing when I so obviously did not.

I meant to gather some music but had not so the most obvious choice to me was a Girl Talk Pandora station. I've mentioned Girl Talk here before. It's some great mash-up goodness. There was something brief from Girl Talk and then as I headed down my driveway this came on. MGMT got a little overplayed but as the words "I'm feelin' rough, I'm feelin' raw, I'm in the time of my life" were in my ears, I teared up a little. I was like yep, it's time, girl.

I'm not gonna be a sideline mom.

Here are a few things I realized while I did week 1, day 1 of couch to 5k:

60 seconds is longer than I thought
my shoes suck -- my feet hurt so much along the sides ((maybe I can get those Keens I've been wanting after I complete what..2 weeks of couch to 5k? 1 wk? :)
I am very, very out of shape. I figured the first week would be encouraging but I'll admit to you, the first day was hard. I don't know what I'll feel like after 3 days of it but I'm probably going to repeat this week. I started to really dread the ding on my app that signaled it was time to switch from a walk to a run. I actually moaned outloud once like are you kidding, my 90 sec of walking is up? AGH!! I'd start counting down the seconds of running left, 10, 9, nice and easy. Slow deep breaths.
I have a lot of self-doubt that fraternizes with my feelings of total badassness. I'll admit I don't have a lot of feelings of badassness but they're in there and they long to dominate the doubt.

Lastly, here's an awesome song that was on my playlist this morning. It was perfect!!

You know today I just woke up and I said you know instead of waitin' on a good day waitin' around through up's and down's waitin on something to happen I just say

We're gonna have a good day and all my homies gonna ride today and all these mommies look fly today and the only one we wanna do is get by today heyyy, we're gonna have a good day and ain't nobody gotta cry today cause ain't nobody gonna die to u save that trouble for another day heyyy we're gonna have a good day

Thanks, Nappy Roots.

Red Vamp.

2011-06-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

This is my new swimming costume.
(That's what Peppa Pig and Beebs say.)

I can't believe I'm showing you pictures though my belly and thighs are not exposed here. I alllllmost wish I got a size smaller in this suit? It's not snug at all so it doesn't really hold anything back in the tummy area -- it has the nice ruching but I want it to hug me. It took me forever to get it and I hate sending crap back but...I wonder if I should? This fits roomily but I wonder what the next size down would be like?

Proud of myself.

2011-06-20T15:38:00.000-05:00

We went to the pool with @boomboomvondoom and her fam this afternoon. Now we're home and sprawled on the couch watching The Secret of Nimh while eating some popcorn. I have to remind Beebs not to eat the "old maids." (We never called them that at my house growing up.)

I'm really proud that I went in public in my bathing suit.
I was going to start couch to 5k tonight. I'm trying to move, move, move -- everyday I tell myself that even just piddling about here at home, laundry, walks around the yard, sweeping the floor -- I'm moving. (not that I ever sweep the floor..just sayin' hypothetically..)
My dear friend said she's keeping a little journal and I definitely like that idea. I think she's doing like 1 line a day.

I really, really need to clean up our house a bit and find some music for my first night of couch to 5k!!

Smoothie

2011-06-20T10:22:00.000-05:00

I feel guilty when our smoothies aren't packed with greens or superfood but it's definitely a better alternative than I dunno..a McSausage or something?? Our smoothies just had almond milk, banana and flax this morning but Beebs gently told me she didn't like it too much so I poured it back in the blender and added a scoop of peanut butter and a spoon of cocoa powder. :) Chunky Monkey? Super yum!

Not a manic Monday at all.

2011-06-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

Monday morning I always feel like writing here. I don't work on Mondays anymore so for us it's the day Roommate heads back into work to start his week and Beebs and I try for a balance of super-productive and playful. I try to wake up early and do some productive things before she's awake. (It's easier for me to get up super early and hit it when I have the next day off!) I also like to try to get up early on Mondays to get a pot of coffee going and once in awhile make Roommate's lunch for him. He usually does it himself but sometimes I do! heh. I know Mondays are hard and I always feel sad to see him go so I try to make them less painful and to usher him out lovingly, standing on the front porch waving goodbye, blowing kisses, whatevs. Ya'know how I roll. When I was working at the hospital I always felt sad getting up and going to work while it was still dark while my family slept then coming home when it was dark again. Anyway, I'm grateful to Roommate for all his hard work and am so thankful I get to be home more with Beebs now.

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Buddha Bowl I want. Pricey bowl though. Varying colors but I love the snowpea green shown.
Earrings I'm going to buy today. I wanted dark brown but it's sold out. I think I'd call these my poser earrings.
Yesterday I went to HyVee to get a couple lemons for the pie I was making and also to be able to spray some Zum goodness on. Yes, I did spritz some Patchouli on my bag and then I sprayed some Frankincense-Lavender spray on myself. Instant happy calm. Mmm.. Scents are serious business to me. They can instantly change how I feel. Powerful. I should tour their factory. Sounds wonderful!! We'd like to tour Boulevard Brewery and The Roasterie too. 2 of my faves - Roommate loves the Boulevard Pilsner.

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Sky Safari was open for the first time so we got to ride for free. (haha..never a good sign, right?) Beebs really enjoyed the Buddha's boo boo's. ((aka boobs)) She was touching them and I waited and then I'm like ok, let's go and she's like "wait, I'm checking out these boo boo's." We had seen the Ibis (that bird) in our Alphabeasties book (fun for you font snobs. type nerds? whatever.) I can also tell you that the Ibis STINKS. and also..the KC Zoo kinda sucks. Sorry, KC! Omaha and St. Louis have much better zoos. We've already discussed my guilt at taking my kid to the zoo, don't worry, I turned down my mom's invite to take us to the Circus. At the KC Zoo plan to walk and walk and walk and not see shit. There are also old exhibits that are now empty and just..overgrown with weeds. When we walked through the trees and saw the old ape house (why didn't I take a photo?! -- too busy sweating prob) I said, um..I feel like we're on LOST. This big old strange looking concrete building nestled into trees and weeds. heh. I wanted to, of course, capture our zoo trip in photos but I thought ok, I will never show these to anyone because don't all zoo photos look the same? Same with looking at other people's vacation photos. It all just kind of looks the same.

Lastly, isn't this hat cute?!

Family Friday

2011-06-17T18:32:00.000-05:00

We spent the day at the zoo. I do feel guilty about it - animals in cages. Those things that you might not otherwise think about too much are brought to mind when you've got an innocent kid genuinely inquiring why those animals are in there. We have a Curious George book I hate to read. The man in the yellow hat brings him back from Africa and takes him to live in the zoo and wants to make a movie about him. How do you feel about the zoo?

Thinking about closing my eyes on the couch. The rest of my family has crashed out.

Wednesday Breakfast.

2011-06-15T07:14:00.000-05:00

Feeling kind of weird this morning.
I just could not sleep very well and so I finally got up at 5. I made myself a bowl of Bob's Red Mill 5 grain cereal, my fave, and a pot of coffee. I went topping crazy on my cereal and sprinkled on hemp seeds, ground flax seeds, golden raisins, a sprinkle of coconut, maple syrup (I prefer Grade B), almond milk and a few tiny dollops of almond butter. I should pretty much be ready to take on anything after that breakfast, yeah?

I just got lost reading this and now should probably get ready for work.

Popular.

2011-06-14T07:38:00.002-05:00

I'm head of the class
I'm popular
I'm a quarter back
I'm popular
My mom says I'm a catch
I'm popular
I'm never last picked
I'm a cheerleader chick
-- Nada Surf

Dudes. Thanks for being my cheerleaders! I'm so excited that you'd be willing to follow along and wave your pom poms for me now and then. I'm gonna see if I can rustle up some action to warrant a pom pom shake.

We've been hanging out in the evenings at twilight, going on walks, catching fireflies in the backyard. I did eat like shit yesterday though. I can rock a good portion of the day making awesome decisions and then BAM! I think sometimes in the process of what I think are good decisions I possibly, maybe eat too little? I'm not sure that's possible but maybe and then suddenly I'm like holy crap I'm starving and I nosh nosh nom nom yomz.

Soooo...what else? OH. Yesterday. I got up from the couch (ironic?) and my foot was asleep I guess but I just immediately crumpled into a heap on the floor and twisted my left ankle. This is super annoying and lame. A couple months ago I fell down the stairs out front and twisted my right ankle. Clutzy much? Maybe I'm just getting top heavy and I topple over at random? Anyway. Ow. Beebs kept smiling and saying aww, you're ok. You're ok. She brought me a band-aid and her slippers and said they'd make me feel better. My sweet kid. aw. That fall really did bruise my pride though because who (besides old people) falls in their living room? I shouldn't type that old people bit but hey, I've wiped a lot of poop off of old people that fell and broke something so...ok that doesn't make it ok but still. My point is I shouldn't have fallen and hurt myself like an idiot in my living room.

Things I've Googled Lately.

2011-06-12T18:45:00.001-05:00

"plus size hippie clothes"
"hippie weight loss"
"weight loss hippie"
"couch to 5K"
"keen shoes newport vs venice"

I have this kind of grandma bike I bought off craigslist a few years ago. When I was a kid I lived on my bike. We'd go camping at Watkins Mill and I'd ride their trail (I can't remember how long it is?? a few miles?) I'd just ride it over and over, fly around the campground, it was just fun and felt so good. I had no idea I was exercising. Recurring theme around here lately, somewhere on this place but definitely in my head is FAT. I'm in that place, feeling fat and lazy, uncomfortably sweaty, sticky thighs, sweaty boobs, jiggly belly. Have you felt these? Do you know what I'm talking about?

I don't quite know how to describe what I'm looking for but I need a like-minded buddy or place to go and read. I am a wannabe hippie, semi-crunchy, fence-riding, mama. I am not an idiot. I'm a nurse. I'm a mom. I know how you lose weight and yet, I am at a loss with how to start. Just to start. I've outgrown my clothes. The clothes I fit feel like the ugliest things I could possibly put on my body. I'm going to be honest (and mortified) to tell you right now that after ALL that weight I lost during my pregnancy and after my pregnancy with Beebs...I have since gained 70 pounds. Imagine that in your head for a moment (or don't, thanks). ((ETA: My daughter is 3 years old. In less than 3 years, 70 pounds)) I'll write that down because maybe I can be that place and person I'm looking for now. There aren't many people that read my blog and that's ok, it's become a place I can return to. But maybe someone will google "weight loss hippie" like I did and maybe that'll be me. I enjoy tangible advice and plans. I have even felt lost grocery shopping lately.

I wanna ride my bike and feel good. I want to swim with my kid all summer long and feel good. I want to sweat and walk and run around. I want to run around and be goofy in my backyard and not suddenly freeze thinking my neighbors probably saw me jiggling around back there. I want to feel like I can jump and slide around. I was standing on a low stone wall at the park one day and had to stand there a minute to figure out how to jump off and consider whether I could indeed do so without breaking a knee or falling. I can laugh at myself over this and you can laugh at me over it to but I tell Roommate, remember when you just..did it? You just ran and jumped and fell and tumbled? He remembers those things wistfully along with me. He can relate to me in that moment. He's not overweight, at all but we're both out of shape.

I've at times considered buying a treadmill. I don't want to spend money on such a thing..sounds silly in my head but the thought of exercising in public is scary. Really scary. I sometimes even feel that way just about going on walks around the 'hood. That's absurd when I see myself typing it but it's real.

My weight can make me feel so low and that's not fair to myself because I don't totally suck! I work, I help support my family, I'm a pretty good mama, I love my family crazy much, am a decent friend but when I look in the mirror I feel 100% worthless. I can't see any of the good that's in me..I can only shudder at the way I feel and look. I am sort of astounded sometimes like oh, psh, I'm not that fat. but oh yes..in fact..I am! There's really no need for more weight loss information on the web but I'm looking for it in a format that works for me..in a lifestyle-changing--forever sort of way.

I weigh more now than I did 3 days past my due date with Beebs.

Sunday evening.

2011-06-12T17:55:00.000-05:00

Hi. Just got home from a baby shower. Beebs is asleep on Roommate's chest, her legs tangled and hanging down past his knees. When did she get so big? He has dozed off and the sight of them makes me so happy.

I was just reading a post elsewhere and so coveting that amazing backyard garden and remembering how dry and weedy my own little veg garden is looking out front. My lettuce has become a shriveled, wilted mess..I think it's dead. We ate from it quite a bit but it was getting too much sun and not enough water out front. My fault! The little garden is nearly covered in grass. I pick and scratch at it with a hoe and my hands but 'alas..I do not keep up. My radishes never made radishy bulbs. They stayed spindly little long pink roots. I've pulled most of them up.

Our backyard is crazy infested with mosquitoes. It was the same last year and I dreaded being out there. I hate that! We just finished trimming out so much brush and some dead bushes and ugly cedar crap and I'm hoping we opened it up to get a little more sun and air back there. Much of it is shady and stays pretty damp.

So there's that.

I'm becoming obsessed with exploring altdotlife
I made this for breakfast and it was delicious. I toasted slivered almonds and put golden raisins and unsweetened shredded coconut on top. Yum. Beebs and I ate it up.

I was going to link to other things but...I can't think of anything? .
I'm also so in love with patchouli lately. I miss wearing it. I always just dabbed some lavender oil and patchouli oil on my skin.
What're you doing lately?
I ordered a new bathing suit (!!!) -- I feel terrified to wear it in public but..I'm going to. I'm going to be brave and I'm going to swim swim swim with my kid and love it.

2011-06-06T17:03:00.001-05:00

My cousins used to lay out like it was their job. They're sisters. They'd oil up and lay on their deck in the blazing sun. This was NEVER appealing to me. Two of them now go tanning so much that about the instant winter makes its exit they are dark bronze. They are leathery.

I was thinking of that while sweat dripped down my chest sitting outside with Beebs today.

um. yeah.

2011-06-04T23:59:00.000-05:00

random request: can anyone direct me to some clothes that don't suck for the more voluptuous women such as myself? I'd specifically like some super comfy pants or shorts or somewhere in between that are light and cargo-ish? i do NOT buy clothes often and I've honestly run out of things -- especially anything for warmer weather. I can make do in winter. wow, "plus size hippie clothes" yielded some interesting results. ahahaha.

I'm not happy with the size I am but I'd like to feel better in this skin while working to improve it.

2011-05-31T17:02:00.001-05:00

Spent yesterday and today at my mom's. It was a good time. Beebs swam in a stock tank, ran around the yard naked much of the time, pulled grass for the chickens and collected eggs. We grilled pizza and it was so good! Late this morning my friend expecting triplets came to visit with her 1 yr old. (!!!) She's the one that's been living in China with her husband and son as missionaries. They live in Oklahoma. I was asking on Twitter what kind of gift I could get her now, during her pregnancy. They said with triplets she'll probably go to about 32 weeks so that makes her halfway through. I just wanted to get her something for her to feel good, relax. Most people recommended a pedicure or massage. I'm not sure she'd be into either? She's kind of a touch-me-not maybe? I just am not sure she'd enjoy them..I do not know. Since she lives in Oklahoma it sort of determines what sort of gift I might get. I'll get some things for the babies but..something for her..now.. I was looking at pillows, belly balms, mama-to-be type gift sets with tea, body wash, belly creams, etc. So, imagine you're pregnant with triplets and you've just moved back to the states from China. You've LOVE to receive....

Anyway, our kids played together then we went for lunch and talked awhile. Now I'm home and happy to be here. I was only gone like, a little more than 24 hrs and it felt so good to settle in Beebs, clean up the kitchen, start some laundry, etc.

I have tea steeping on the counter. There's something about herbs, teas, supplements, vitamins that is just amazing to me. I mean that sounds like..duh but I love them. They feel charming and..romantic? They lift me up, make me feel like I'm earthier, working to be healthier. Is there anything you use and like? What's it for?

tea.

Memorial Day.

2011-05-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday our family came over and spent the day. Our house has become sort of the meetin' place and I like it. Today we're going out to my mom's. I plan on sitting in the sun and drinking iced tea all day. That's pretty much what I did yesterday. ha. Sittin' around, watchin' kids play, drinkin' peach tea.

I would really like to go by my dad's grave today on my way to mom's. It's pretty out of the way but it's been a bit since I've been there. Last time we were there Beebs was with us and while I paced around, still raging that when I go there I have to see a picture of my dad and the psycho crazy he was with when he died. There she sits, forever staring at me from his f^#$!%* headstone. My mom went out a bit ago and said it didn't look like anyone had been in awhile. If psycho crazy is done adorning his grave with crap I can maintain it how I choose. I try to think about what my dad would want, obviously and I'm not sure. When he was dying and choosing a plot he said he wanted to be near a tree but not directly under it so birds could poop on him. I think he'd be like, eh, don't come here and cry but maybe don't let the place look like shit, eh? SO that's my plan.

Has anyone ever used the title "Monday Musings?" oh? 3 million times? ok.

2011-05-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

Do people enjoy reading good news less than bad news?
I cannot believe the tornado damage in Joplin. Tornadoes are just insane. I was thinking this morning while switching laundry (and suddenly feeling very lucky to be doing so!) like, once your house is leveled, where do you begin to recover? How do you get things cleaned up? Where do you stay? How do you rebuild? How does insurance work to help in that situation? How in the hell do you contact all those places you'd need in order to start moving forward when you've got no place to do so? I thought about whether I could go down there since I'm a nurse? Not that I have something amazing to offer other than being like, able but I couldn't miss my other job. I can't call in there, I have to find people to cover my shift for me so I just don't think I'd be able to? That sounds lame when I'm typing it out.

I have been faithfully drinking a press of the roasterie's dark mojo every morning and I'm feeling..kind of guilty about it? It tastes so delicious! It describes itself as starting off tasting like tea then getting more complex and I agree. At first you're like, hrm, this is actually kind of light and..ooohhhh....yum! But I've been feeling guilty about the caffeine? Should I quit coffee? It tastes so great. sigh.

I weighed myself at work and have GAINED weight. I was feeling so..heavy that day. Inside and out. I just felt so withdrawn and like everywhere I went I was taking up more than my allotted space. Like trying to hide and having nowhere to pull myself into, I was just..out there. Taking up space!

We're going to the library in a bit so we can return a couple things we've had forever that I just keep renewing because we haven't been in to browse in awhile. I have a Tana French book that was on hold that's ready to pick up.

Yesterday I finally got some more plants in the ground! My garden is..messy and small.
Here's what it contains now:

garlic
onions
yukon gold potatoes
pole beans
tomatoes
yellow bell peppers
sweet peas (in the backyard)
radishes
big pot of varied leaf lettuce and arugula
lemon cucumbers
orient express cucumbers

I didn't plant a huge amount of any one thing because I didn't want to be totally overwhelmed. I've discovered I'm somewhat lazy at gardening though I love it, find it super charming and totally envy all the awesome gardening my mom has done her whole life/my whole life. She always manages to create yum things, store up a ton for winter by canning/freezing/preserving. I'm not ready to go there yet and I hesitate to talk about my meager gardening because people do amazing things and I'm just..dabbling but..there ya go! Roommate's mom never gardened I don't think so he has been pretty amazed when I'm like look, here's a radish we grew. haha. There were a few more things I intended to plant (like carrots) but didn't get it done. My mom had a packet of heirloom round carrots (not sure what they're called?) but lost it so wah wah.

Rainy Thursday feels just right.

2011-05-19T10:34:00.005-05:00

Seems like..probably..I'd maybe complain about the rain today but it feels good. I'm in mismatched clothes and an old sweater I dug out of a box. It's green, bulky knit, zips down the front. I washed it all up. I'm a super dork so I spent a small portion of the morning changing the blizzog. Do people even look at blogs or just read via readers? I know I've asked that before. I love looking at people's blogs.

Anyway, Beebs feel asleep super early last night. I was scared about what that might mean for night sleep. She woke up at 4:00 when it was storming and came to bed with us. She covered her ears with her hands when it thundered. Our window was open just a bit and I have to say, those next couple hours were hazy happiness. It was gray and dark, storming, pouring down rain. The 3 of us were all nestled in. We'd talk a little bit then we all dozed off awhile then at 6:00 we all got up. I made coffee, Roommate got ready for work, Beebs and I played. After Roommate left we baked oatmeal cookies and while they were still warm we packed some up and went next door to deliver. Beebs is totally in love with umbrellas right now so she was very excited that the rain was falling on her umbrella! I am simultaneously gagging and laughing at how sweet and warm our morning has been.

I'm reading Bossypants and the 100 Thing Challenge and perusing Mary Jane's ideabook. I'd like some book recommendations. I don't even know what my book taste is? I love books but haven't read much lately? I read Midwives, Room, Edgar Sawtelle (love!), portions of vampire books, started a cpl other random things. I've just sort of been dabbling in books about making life good and cooking food.

I really am having trouble with having commitments every weekend. We've had one since Easter and it's so strange for us. We are total home bodies so it's weird to have to be somewhere. The socializing has been fun, albeit tiring! ha. We also saw a lot of family like, multiple weekends in a row when usually we see them a couple times a year.

My sister in law graduated from vet school at Mizzou. Very proud of her. She worked really hard. Part-way through school she had a brain aneurysm that was crazy scary but..she did it! I'm sad for her as apparently vets don't make much at all starting out so that has felt pretty discouraging when she worked so hard to graduate as a doctor.

I still have some things to plant in our messy little rag tag garden. It's full of weeds and roots from the pine tree across our driveway but I'm going to consider anything we get a success. The process is fun, Beebs loves it. We're enjoying learning. I have to delve into some of these things rather superficially (I'm not sure that's the word I mean) -- it's just that if I get all perfectionist/read about too many other people's stuff then I'm like gah, I suck! I don't really know what I'm doing and that's ok. heh. for now.

We are just, kind of lazy around here lately. I don't know what to cook. On my days off work we wander inside and out, sometimes we meet up with friends for playing or eating. We sprinkle in some simple productive activities like laundry, sprucing up our upstairs a bit (like putting away a pile of laundry, sweeping the cat hair from the corners, etc.). Right after we moved in we hung a towel rack in our upstairs bathroom and one side fell off. A screw was stripped, Roommate replaced it, still fell, caulked the connector thing to the bar, still fell so it's been broken like that for going on a year. It is there, half hanging on the wall, just, useless. Absurd because I was going to return it for sucking and because um, really? Most of our money goes to mortgage and groceries. It feels annoying to spend money on things like a towel rack or other things to make the bathroom functional. It needs some help though. ha. I thought wow, wouldn't it be nice to get more use out of this space?! That'd be neat! I mean don't get me wrong, it serves fine for going to the bathroom and showering. I also have 8 million prints and such I started buying when I was pregnant (like almost 4 years ago?) that I've never hung. Spending money on framing also is expensive. Any other brilliant ideas for preserving/hanging these things! I'm thinking of it because the bathroom could use some stuff in there. This is obviously VERY pressing. Let's reconvene on this in 2013?

My friend having triplets is back in the country. I have another friend that's pregnant. Her baby is due in a little over 7 weeks and is right now measuring 6 lb 8 oz! !!!!! and a few more !!!'s She's gestational diabetic but has been doing really well at controlling her sugars. whew. I think they're projecting 11 lbs? I know so many pregnant people or people that just had babies. My goodness.

Here are a few random pictures from our world recently.

new bag i got at the kc fiesta. love!

college campuses make me feel...something.

mizzou.

greensmoothie.

kansas.

picnic pal.

quickie. (yer welcome)

2011-05-17T19:06:00.000-05:00

Currently listening to Nirvana.
Roommate baking (frozen) pizza for dinner. (I KNOW)
Lovely day, saw friends for lunch.
Work tomorrow. Ain't no thang.
Did you know there was recently a measles outbreak in OP?
Weekend plans extending into June. Holy cow?
My kid makes me laugh. A lot.

Slow Show - The National

2011-05-10T08:27:00.001-05:00

I know this is not the song's intended meaning but for ME, this song always makes me think of Beebs as a baby and us as new parents. I have to clarify, not BRAND new baby but maybe that 6 month, super squishy, giggling baby.
These lines especially:
I wanna hurry home to you
Put on a slow, dumb show for you
And crack you up
So you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
(We did and still do anything for a laugh out of our girl. I would think of those lines at work, on 12, 14, 15 hr work days, think about how badly I just wanted to get home and see her and make her laugh.)

You know I dreamed about you
For twenty-nine years before I saw you (wow. yeah.)
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for
For twenty-nine years

I loved seeing The National live with Arcade Fire. I felt so sentimental because I think the last show we'd been to maybe was Arcade Fire also at Starlight when I was pregnant with Beebs, fairly newly pregnant and still in total shock. Let's just consider me in shock that entire pregnancy. ha. But anyway, at the show I just kept thinking of us then, how we were so dumb. haha. The shows were great. Roommate gets tired and stressed from his job, lord knows I can relate. He gets kind of absorbed in things? Focused? Anyway, at the show, I sort of felt those things fall away from him, felt him melt a bit and push into me and move and smile and we both felt good. Right up until then I even think he was stressed just over ok, work, get off work, rush to show, park, blah blah blah. And then we were there and it's like...Oh yeah..this is great. Music is magic, man.

I have a few questions.

2011-05-10T07:31:00.002-05:00

I have bad dreams every night lately. What is that about? They're not usually scary but always very negative/full of fail/sad/disappointing/shaming. I'm not sure why? I'd just like it to stop. I've tried consciously trying to relax and "meditate" on good things before falling asleep but once I'm there the ick oozes out.

Mother's Day was fun. On Saturday we drove down with my mom to my grandma's house. She's not big on gatherings at her house. We've got a large dose of dysfunction and who doesn't but really, sometimes things get ugly but nonetheless, she said she wanted us all those and so we were and it was very nice. The weather was warm and sticky. We swatted mosquitoes, ate a whole bunch, watched our kids (!) play in the yard and when the sun went down my uncle pulled his Lincoln around into the yard and we listened to old country music. It wasn't too long after that the kids started melting down with exhaustion. We said goodbyes and made the 2 hour drive home in the dark. Beebs sang her ABC's awhile trying to keep herself awake but it was futile.

Sunday we went to Shawnee Mission Park and sat next to the lake, just the 3 of us and had a picnic. It was just as sappy sweet as it sounds. Beebs blew bubbles and followed the geese around. We watched sailboats and ate watermelon and pineapple. At a rare trip to Costco I bought some whole, fresh pineapples for Beebs' birthday party and now I know how to cut a whole pineapple down! Useful skill? It was MUCH cheaper than buying pre-cut fresh pineapple and whoo boy it's delicious. We almost ate an entire pineapple at our picnic. The watermelon was subpar as of yet. My mom gave it to us so I'm honestly not sure where it came from? We enjoyed it regardless.

That photo looks strangely colored.
I forgot that I started this post with questions in my head.
I would like to get a de-humidifier for our basement. Anyone have any advice on this or a recommendation for one?

I have a 2005 Ford Focus, 2 door hatchback. I don't mind it's smallness but getting a small child in and out of the back is annoying. I keep thinking older kids wouldn't be a prob because they could just hop back there and maybe I'd be glad they didn't have their own door to mess with. I've considered getting a different car as my mom would like to buy mine. She drives a truck which she uses frequently for her farm stuff but would like mine for her work commute. I should also tell you when you're giving me advice on this that I have owned that car 6 years and have put only 38,000 miles on it in that time.

Hi.

2011-05-05T01:48:00.001-05:00

Working a different schedule the next several days. Not used to having commitments every weekend, gah! This will be the 3rd weekend in a row and the next couple look the same. Weird.

My mom date was super fun! We shared a bottle of wine and talked for 3 hours. We laughed, I got a little teary once and we're going to introduce our daughters to one another. Fun!

Let's see if I can at least rustle up a picture or..something?

Everytime I see this last photo I think of Kurt Cobain? Her little outfit made me start thinking of the 90's and the photo was taken around the time of the anniversary of his death and..I don't know? but it does. Those other photos..my mom got bees that day. The guy that brought them over was wearing spurs and leather cuffs from wrist to elbow. He's a jailer and was wearing a star badge thing on his jeans. Ha. My mom got around 16,000 Italian bees. That one photo is my wee little daughter sitting in front of the hive watching them while I had a heart attack and died and snapped a photo. I guess while the bees are getting settled into their new home you feed them sugar water because they've been on a long journey and they're hungry and finding their way around the new place. The hive looks kind of rigged here but that was just set-up day. Spur guy is an expert on bees and told us so much fascinating info about them. My mom's been reading a ton about them for months now anticipating their arrival, deciding to do this in the first place. That was just..wild! I don't know if you enlarge those photos if you can see but literally bees were EVERYWHERE!! We went mushroom hunting at my mom's for morels (have you ever hunted them? eaten them?) fun! Like finding treasures! and they are DELICIOUS! We didn't find any but there are a few other things we saw.

This last one is interesting. It just doesn't seem like her? The pink hat? I don't know. But it was taken on her 3rd birthday. Goodness.

Ok ok, last one. These photos might be kinda meh 'cause they're from my phone. I offered all sorts of homemade goodness on her birthday for breakfast and she requested choc (almond) milk and strawberries. Sounded great.

another post? ahh what the heck. food & books.

2011-05-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

Hi again! I don't have a lot to say (famous beginning intro to every AWESOME blogger's best stuff..right? no?)
Anyway, we're home and I'm having a late lunch. I probably won't have dinner tonight so this works well. Last night I made Heidi Swanson's Wild Rice Casserole from her new book. We had it for dinner with some steamed veg..good thing since I'd started my day with coffee and cupcakes. EEk. There was a green smoothie thrown in there too. Oh, so yeah, I'm eating some leftover wild rice (really good!) and some sauteed spinach again. Yum Town, Population: Me! Yesterday I grabbed some fruit teas so I could make a Beebs-friendly summery special drink. She drinks juice every now and then, she likes some OJ sometimes. I was reading Vegan Lunchbox and it had a great little recipe just using some fruit teas and organic apple juice ice cubes! It sounded yum and while I realize she doesn't NEED a "fun" drink -- it's.. well..FUN! My cousin always had her toddlers walking around with bottles of orange soda. I cringe saying that but I'll feel less guilty about wanting to give Beebs a special warm season frosty yum drink. OK?!

We had a playdate with K & baby A today. Lovely friends and weather. Baby A waves and is insanely beyond cute. We saw turtles lined up on the bank, stairstepping themselves on each other (??) and we also saw baby geese all fuzzy!

Tonight I have a mom-date with a girl I met randomly. It totally does feel like a date. We met, exchanged numbers, have been kind of texting and now we're meeting for coffee, maybe dinner? We said maybe dinner, I think so we'd both feel safe like..opting out. ha. Her first and middle name are the exact same as mine, even spelled the same. Cute. She also has a little girl so this could be fun!

Here are some books we've either read from the library or bought Beebs for birthday lately that I'm loving:
Pete & Pickles - interesting book, the pictures are great
The Quiet Book - Pictures are amazing. I love them/the colors! The nurse photo makes me laugh. :)
The Happy Man and His Dump Truck - little golden book
My Friend is Sad - I think I just LOVE hearing my husband read this. He's hilarious.
The Maggie B - first heard of this one from Robina.
There are more but..there's a few!

Yesterday at the library I got some for myself, including The 100 Thing Challenge, Vegan Lunchbox (some everyday fun kid/and grown up! food but a recipe for spreading refried beans on a tortilla kind of makes me laugh) and Morning Food.

This coming weekend we're going to see a buncha my family at my grandma's house. Super dysfunctional. Good times. Mother's Day weekend!

Here's a minimalist resource guide I snagged from Sara at Walk Slowly, Live Wildly.
There are lots of links to explore up there! Happy Tuesday.

Post-Birthday Post.

2011-05-02T09:28:00.000-05:00

I am so clever!
Saturday was Beebs' 3rd birthday party. I still cannot believe she is 3! I cannot tell you how much she has changed just in the last month. She is so full-blown kid! I keep having this somewhat depressing recurrent thought since the party which is...if I can get a yard full of 30+ adults and another 10-15 kids/babies, why do I always feel so lonely? There were quite a few people there I'd either not seen since Beebs' last birthday party or some time beyond a year. I was liberal with the invites in a more-the-merrier sort of way and I was like, eh, haven't seen her in 3 years and now she has 4 kids but..maybe she'd wanna come?? and..she did! It's just that there are not many people in my real life that I really connect with on a slightly deeper level as far as like, interests/parenting styles/aspirations/etc. go. SO, with that said, I want to admit some of my selfishness, a dear friend of mine that has been living in another country is coming home in about a week. She'll be living about 5 hrs away. We've been emailing regularly while she's been away (for years now) and we have been making all these plans about roadtrips and our kids playing together (she has a 1 yr old son) and we talk about gardens and cooking and all that. Bliss! She's also somewhat newly pregnant with..triplets. I am so thrilled for her, THRILLED. It's with embarrassment but straight up honesty that I admit I am sort of feeling bummed about what that means for our friendship. How do you reconcile those feelings? Doesn't it sound so awful? I just realize at this point she will be busy, very busy, perhaps on bedrest, very tired and that's just while pregnant. Once the babies come, holy cow! I have trouble feeling like..if I can't help ENOUGH then I'm failing? Like I can't do enough to truly lighten the load? Does that make sense? Essentially realizing my friend will not have time for me. I know, I'm cringing at my own admission.

Anyway, the party was fantastic. The weather was amazing! We played outside the entire time. We ate lots of food, the cupcakes I deemed a complete disaster people raved about and asked for the recipe. What?!

From us Beebs got a bicycle and a whole bunch of books! I am so excited every night at bedtime now to have all this fresh material.

I had more to type I think but it feels unrelated now.

Paved with good intentions.

2011-04-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a good week! I started off last week reading through this detox in a magazine and getting all pumped up to do it. It was super restrictive in the beginning and thus I was planning out very specific meals and wondering if Roommate would be game and I started getting super stressed about it and decided not to do it. I think I kind of want that initial detox absolute shit feeling so I can have this tangible feeling of getting rid of the crap. I still may do something like that 4 week thing but it'd take a bit more planning on my part. So I decided to kind of focus on breakfasts for us, a delightfully slippery slope in making better decisions throughout the day!

It's surprising to me that I continue to remain SO overweight. I mean, not so surprising but while I eat a lot of healthy things, I also eat a lot of junk sometimes. I've also been seriously sedentary in the evenings through the winter. (Or "sedimentary" as I told K the other day. oops.) I'm going to blame some of that habit on my former job. (former! yay!!) I was just so unhappy and physically/mentally drained all the time. I'd have a horrible day at work and then come home and be all bingey. Then and now I'd go long stretches without eating. Sometimes on work days I'd get up in such a hurry I might not even drink water before work and then I'd get there and go go go, take a lunch break maybe by 2 or 3 in the afternoon and it'd be the first time I'd eaten and sometimes the first time I'd had anything to drink. Of course that meant that when I did finally eat I'd chow down or just make really poor/rushed decisions.

Anyway, the point of this post. I've unearthed some good habits I may have had before and reminded myself about the existence of healthy, super yum snacks. When someone says "healthy snacks" I start imagining little bags of baby carrots and want to stab my eyes out! I am rambling like a crazywad so I'm just going to make some lists! These help remind me!

Snacks we've been enjoying:
Ezekiel bread with a variety of toppings including pb, dark choc pb from pb&co, hummus and cucumbers/and or grape tomatoes, laughing cow cheese on toasted bread with cucumber slices
walnuts (sometimes mixed with dark choc covered ginger niblets),
apples, bananas, some dried fruit, fresh strawberries
I've made an effort to really cut back on dairy. I haven't eliminated it -- we're still eating cheese and yogurt. I've revived my love affair with Noosa yogurt and they recently added a strawberry rhubarb one!
leftover roasted veg

Green Smoothie goodness (mix n matching the following):
frozen strawberries
bananas, sometimes frozen, sometimes not
orange mango juice or just an entire orange tossed in
frozen pineapple
loads of baby spinach or kale
this AM a little sprinkle of cocoa powder and cinnamon
oats
dates

Haven't eliminated coffee/caffeine but have cut back. I haven't been drinking much coffee in the past week because I've been doing a huge green smoothie in the morning and loving it. I LOVE coffee. I never feel like I drink it and it gives me pep or wakes me up but I do love how it tastes.
Have definitely boosted water intake in general. Having it with me at all times to sip or..gulp.

One good habit definitely helps with others. I have totally found that having a huge green smoothie makes me feel good and keeps me pretty satiated for a long time. I've also been actually making a conscious effort to just go slow in prepping/choosing food. It helps to have those snacks because then I'm not starving and making a hurried/poor decision. I pack awesome lunches for work which is great because there's nothing else there to choose from so I get what I pack.

Last thurs I roasted this huge pan of veg. I slightly over-cooked them while making dinner (Breakfast!). Those have been an awesome thing to have on hand to put in my lunch or eat for snacks. I did a ton of beets, parsnips, carrots, grape tomatoes and peppers. I just put a little salt and olive oil on them. The beets were so insanely sweet! We love them leftover..they're great cold out of the fridge for breakfast or whatever! I spent a week in Romania once and every day for breakfast there was an assortment of roasted vegetables, cheeses and baked beans and I love that kind of breakfast!! I've been doing a rice cooker of brown rice and then pairing that with the veg and some beans/greens for lunch.

What I'm up to..

2011-04-04T01:42:00.000-05:00

I have been super pre-occupied.
Lately my eating has been just total shit and I sooo feel that. I'm not sure what I can blame it on. Laziness? Wintery gray blah? I..do not know but there it is. My body feels broken down. I have got to lose some weight. I feel like I've always worked with people that are forever on a diet that is some short-term stupid thing. Sometimes I feel like in my effort to NOT do that I go so far in the other direction as like an F you to those people? The only F you is to me but does that make sense? Like OMG, if I seriously have to listen to you count 1 more calorie. We took Beebs out for frozen yogurt yesterday and there were two tiny ladies in workout clothes and they asked a couple employees about how many calories were in the frozen yogurt and I think they didn't believe that particular employee so they went and got a couple more? And I am seriously that person sitting there going...really? If anyone needed to know the amt of calories in that yogurt it was definitely me.

I get myself pretty stoked reading awesome blogs about healthy food and I felt like I wanted to post something here but then I thought no, how about you actually follow through with something and then come think about it here but here I am anyway, talkin' bout what I wanna do. I just hafta feel betta! I'm a slug! Feeling so super tired and gross all the time. I'm not ill but I just feel sickly ick.

Tomorrow, jam-packed green smoothie time. We LOVE smoothies here. I have had a lot of trouble with meal planning lately, well always but this is my deal. I don't know if I can explain but I'm so FICKLE. I have this problem with a lot of things because it's like I always think maybe I'll find something better? I'm that way with deodorant? Like..I need a diff kind every time. WHY? I do that with groceries and I sort of forget about staples. I don't know if this is a typical characteristic of overweight people but I've heard before that often people that have the same thing for breakfast every morning are generally thinner. So what I'm saying is I was reading through another person's list of things they're loving and I'm like OH YEAH.. those! I really don't know if that makes sense. I'm always wanting new, different and that's fine but there are some general staples I think I should try to maintain in day to day because they're good for me. I think what might be at the heart of that is a complete and utter lack of discipline.

I think this week I'll work on finding something lovely to read about discipline and also to work on breakfast as a healthy, consistent start to our days. Perhaps next week will be about lunch but this week is about breakfast and also, drinking enough water.

Spring is bipolar.

2011-03-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

I took these just as it started to snow..the last 2 are from last week. Ahh...remember last week?

Spaceships and Laser Beams !!

2011-03-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

Just a link to this awesome Etsy store! I ordered Beebs' birthday stuff/invites from here and Stephanie is wonderful! She helped me figure out how I'm going to print these and the turnaround time was super fast! Super great birthday invites/decorations/banners/etc. Monsters and snakes and vintage cars and my pick, the Bayou Theme! Beebs asked for a party with a (live) alligator and frogs. This is perfect!! I love the colors. I would love to have a steamy evening party with lanterns in the trees but since she's 2 uh..I guess early afternoon day party will be a go!
I'll let you know how the printing goes! I've never done anything like it so we'll see!

2011-03-22T03:33:00.000-05:00

Oh hey, good morning. I had to get up and purge my brain a little. One minute I was putting a very sleepy Beebs to bed while it was still a little bit daylight outside. She wondered why she was going to bed when it wasn't even nighttime. The next minute I wake up, pretzeled in her bed next to her. I stumbled into our bed and promptly crashed out again. Roommate and I both woke up a bit confused about when we went to bed and what time is it anyway? 12:54. He looked at the clock and we both nestled down to sleep again only now it's 2:53 and I'm still awake. I tried thinking about happy things to fall back asleep to. Sometimes happy things are fields and flowers and gardens and sometimes they're sexy. Either way, none of that worked and then I slipped into that place where I'm thinking about my work day tomorrow and the shots I'll give and the vaccine questions I have and then I remember I wanted to read an article @thehils posted. Damn you, Twitter. I'm going to one day be composing real paper/ink letters with "@mydearuncle." So anyway, down the rabbit hole I went and before long I had picked up my phone and googled something I've been feeling the past couple days and in a matter of seconds I'm reading a message board where at least 50 people have written posts about when they felt that exact emotion I'd googled. Have you ever done that? It's both comforting and strange. Like maybe sometimes we instead need to sit alone with that emotion. It wasn't exactly commiserating but kind of? It was more relational but less so since most of those posts were from 2006 so I couldn't actively chime in but..still. We're not alone. but sometimes we need to be.

Now I'm downstairs on the couch. I opened the front door to let in that breeze from the south. It's pushing around the windchimes on the front porch. There are some rusty bells and wooden "chimes" that sound super comforting right now. I bought the wooden ones shortly after Roommate and I moved into our first little house together, a little bungalow we rented in North Kansas City. It was a sweet little place. We had just our driveway and small strips of grass on either side separating us from our neighbors and sometimes I'd be sitting at my desk in the corner of our living room next to a window and I could see/hear/smell our neighbors in their kitchen cooking. Their dog would peek out of that window while they shuffled about and it would all make me smile.

Spring is lovely and the lift it has given my spirits is palpable. You know, quitting my job at the hospital has also helped that. heh. I seriously don't think I can ever work 12 hour days again. I'm still terrified of paying for COBRA and I'm not EVEN going to let my mind go there or I may seriously never rest again before work later this morning.

Here's something soothing. I was reading Aura joon while still upstairs in bed and found this quote in her most recent post. I love it!

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." -Roald Dahl

That reminds me, we have a Roald Dahl book upstairs I bought for Beebs while she was even smaller. It's Matilda and I'm dying to read it to her. Right now I can only get a few lines in and she's somewhat bored. The first lines of the book make me laugh every time. "It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think he or she is wonderful."

I'm glad I got up and came down to put some blah blah here. It helps me not slosh it all around while I'm trying to close my eyes. I think now I can relish the sound of these windchimes and rest a little before work this morning.

Vits

2011-03-20T12:59:00.000-05:00