My 7 year old is in the shower singing. I started typing the words in a text to his dad.
It started with him singing "One is the Loneliest Number" and then he kept adding lyrics.
What is going on with me? What is going on with meeee?
People die every 1 second. Oh why do I exist?
What is gonna happen to me? Oh oh oh, what is gonna happen to me?
What's going to happen to everyone else?
No one knows til it happens.
What's going to happen to the world?
A meteor strike?
What's going to go with everyone's heart?
Oh oh oh, what is going to happen to me and you?
What is going to happen to me when I die? Tell me please. Tell me please.
He said it's titled "What is Going to Happen to Me and You"
Man.. heavy.
He said his songs are about asking questions.
3.18.2021
Modest Mouse remains one of my favorite bands.
Even if I have nothing else for you, I will have music.
Happy I could find one to link that flows right on in to "Float On." (probably reasons not to link to YT) Here are some of my favorite lyrics from "The World at Large"
Went to the porch to have a thought Got to the door and, again, I couldn't stop You don't know where and you don't know when But you still got your words and you got your friends
I like songs about drifters, books about the same They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
The moths beat themselves to death against the lights Adding their breeze to the summer nights
I know that starting over's not what life's about But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth My thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth My thoughts were so loud
Ah hell. I've gotta link a couple more. I shared with some other friends too. I heard both of these in the car this afternoon and they had me feeling some things.
It's my day off so this morning I stopped for breakfast & a coffee after dropping my kids off for school. It felt pretty amazing. I think things are slowly improving but not stopwearingamask improved. Like everyone else I'm stunned it's been a year of dealing with covid shit but alas, it has. When it first began the doctors I work with said plan on this being something we manage for AT least the next 18 months maybe 2 years. We were like .. ok. holy shit. It's true though and those governors ending their mask mandates are ignorant or I don't know what.
Most days it's fine but some days that mask feels like it's smothering me at work. I'll be standing at the door to the building taking my last breaths of delicious fresh air before putting that on for the rest of my day/off for lunch.
We're doing ok here. School is challenging for my middle school student doing hybrid right now. Later this month they'll be back in full time. Being around other humans is amazing and I think the schools do a great job at managing the spread. Sports are a different subject but the school days they are conscientious. In sports you just have to wear your mask when you're spread out but once you're all together panting and sweating just take that shit off.
ANYWHO
Thinking about you out there and hoping you're doing ok. Here in Kansas the weather is fucking glorious today. I'm going to take the dogs on a long ass walk. Spring is coming. Keep going. You're doing it. We're doing it! Be kind. Reach out to another human in some way.
Last week when the riots at the Capitol happened I had no idea until the end of the work day when a patient's mom told me. It felt alarming that within my work we hadn't heard about it. I think later someone said they saw some alerts about it after the fact but none of us had seen anything or were talking about it. The days are busy and we don't see our phones much and we never have any media on radio etc. Wow. Weird. I usually hit up NPR at some point but literally it's just too busy. We are with patients and talking and moving and wearing PPE. I didn't like getting such news so late.
major gratitudes
that first breath outside when I take my mask off after work - spiritual
I'm celebrating 1 year in therapy! Cheers! To mental health. May we not neglect it!
12.21.2020
Hi.
How are you?
Listening to Michael J. Fox on "Fresh Air."
Drinking a glass of wine. I can hear a train.
Sure has been a different time, eh? I hope you're hanging in and parts of you feel ok.
At my house we're doing ok. It has been a seriously challenging time. I mean, life is but whoah. Our mental health is not something to neglect. My kid has been in a very low place that has frankly been terrifying. We're actively tapping into multiple resources and I'm really glad for that but the feelings of helplessness or just falling short of helping enough are really tough. All woven in my kid has also been learning about identity and prefers a different name and pronouns now. While feeling like an open supportive person it has been quite a journey to just this beginning type place we are now. I've only just this past weekend talked to my mom about it. That was hard. I'd been preparing awhile. And in counseling.
There's so much I want to say about that and other things. This same child, seeking connection had evolved a stunning secret life online. I'm no stranger to the internet and utilizing it to meet people but as an adult I pulled back drastically from interactions online. Some years ago I was really enjoying instagram and other social media and I have a real distaste for most of it now. Saying that while writing here but most specifically I'm referring to relationships online and how they impact us. My kid made some really surprising decisions. I've been speechless, man. And scared shitless. I've always felt a wariness with screens and have absolutely not wanted my kids to have phones if it could be prevented. I know many need them for communication. We've talked a lot over time about internet use and safety and ideas about ____ insert potential experience/traume here. It feels pretty "Black Mirror" these days. Our abuse of the internet is affecting our human experience in a big way. The way we treat each other. The way we look at ourselves. The situations that weren't possible enabled by this insane technology. One infuriating aspect has been that most of these interactions have been occurring through the school supplied computer. I naively thought kids probably couldn't use apps to voice/video chat with strangers on their school computer. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Hard to believe we've been experiencing a pandemic for this long. How long? 10 months or so of awareness? More. Less for some. It still rubs me that I work in healthcare and have that work/ppe life and then to go to the small town I grew up in or talk to my mom. How many times has she said to me - absurd, ridiculous! Why can't she see me? see this?
GRATITUDE
my kids' dad and I have done a pretty bang up job of communicating. We agree we've talked more the last few months than in our entire marriage. HEH. It's not an exaggeration really. Proud of us for that. We've lived apart long enough now I think my kids have seen we can do pretty ok at our attempt to keep things healthy/sane/good whatever the words are. To talk and not shit on each other sort of thing.
reading a description of this wine at my local liquor store - its flavor compared to like 8 different things
break from school is coming! bowing down to all school personnel. holy shit
music. let's share some now. also recommend that interview with Michael J. Fox. Nature and Music have been the most comforting grounding things in pandemic season.
This one is best with big sound.
reach out in any way you can. a text or phone line. to someone.
"Lemon Boy" - Cavetown -- get yourself a citrus friend.
these cookies are really delicious. REALLY delicious.
I've been learning how to hang up on the phone with my kids. It has taken a bit of thinking and overthinking to navigate if and how I'll communicate with them when they're at Dad's house. Considering whether I should call or text them through their dad or just let them reach out to me and leave that as their sacred space with him. Or if I don't reach out are they wondering why? He and I have talked about it a little. We do ok.
When we're on the phone I can tell when they're ready to go but sort of hanging in for my benefit. Lots of silence and a "Soooo..what do you want to talk about?" Tonight I could feel one heading there so I started sort of wrapping up our conversation when he says "Oh. I didn't know we were ending the call" - his voice a little flatter. We linger and he says, "We can talk as long as you'd like."
Last week I lost my car key and Oh what a pain, you know? So much digging through trash and every other entire bit of your life, the Universe laughing, go on, go through all of your shit. You've been meaning to do it. GO ON! A song. I can hear it. I still haven't found it so last night I called a locksmith and he came, sat at the work bench in the back of his van and made me a new one. I felt so much relief when he was done! I spent all this energy looking for it, fruitlessly digging. Asking for rides to and from work. Oof.
I've a new Pikachu keychain I borrowed from a kitchen pile that if I'm going to share contains (from visual memory here) portions of a kid's science experiment kit. The one you kind of want to trash the moment your kid is done using it for the first (and last) time but it still has a few cool things left you could do another sesh with and keep the instructions bc you sometimes don't and that can be annoying and then.. months later. It's just still there. Pushed off to the side of the kitchen sink. Along with several reminders to complete the census online (I did!) and a sticker and tea bag tag I wanted to put into my "journal" and haven't, a Christmas ornament, pens and alcohol swabs (those last two the inevitable trail I leave). Can you even believe I lost my key?
Anyway. If you need a locksmith, I have a number I'd gladly share!
Oh Also! Reading _Something Wicked This Way Comes_ - Ray Bradbury - has been on the shelf waiting. I've only just begun but am in the mood for this.
We're planning a trip to the library today! It will actually be our first time back since its closing during pandemic season. On one of our trips to return books when we pulled open the outside metal book drop door a flood of library-scented air conditioning came flooding out in our faces and it made me cry and laugh. We were all 3 so excited to just smell that smell! We've missed it.
On the back porch at the table with coffee and incense and insects outside (and in). Next to me a spider caught my eye; at the base of the lamp it has captured a moth and is working.
I've been asking all the kids I can about how they're starting school and what they're feeling about it. Kids miss school (at least many parts of it) and I hope they'll be able to look back and remember that feeling along their schooling life and beyond. I can talk myself through and allow grace but the fact remains I'm feeling guilt and stress that my kids will be home 5d/week doing school and I will be with them 1 of those days.
As usual with my job it has been so wonderful to be surrounded by others that are wrestling with these things as well. It's true all the time but I'm feeling acutely aware. Love my job for its connection to the human experience. Honestly it gives me goosebumps. I'm really grateful to work with people. My job provides for us in many ways and has taught me much through the years. I've been at my current job in a pediatric clinic for almost 10 years. Hard and not hard to believe. I smile thinking about the early days of this place writing about whatthefuckamIgoingtodo and deciding to try nursing and that was a really great decision and I'm proud of myself for going to school and doing that shit. I think a lot of people that probably never consider it would really thrive in the medical field/healthcare/nursing
So along with that offering of gratitude I also feel the desire to shift something or some things to make room for what life looks like right now. I want to be able to do school with my kids more. At work I tried opening a conversation about just scheduling in general and the possibility for adjusting it and I felt mostly met by blinking eyes. Not everyone I work with has kids in school but many do. I understand we can't change everything but maybe something.
At home I have mostly been ignoring the emails from school because it feels overwhelming. Today I'm going to get myself up to speed on the most recent email which reveals more about schedules and ///// everything.
My neighbor is in the back yard with their dog. It cracks me up when they're out there because they will say the dog's name like 10+ times trying to get him to go potty or whatever. It reminds me of the best parent/child power struggles. Oh my gosh I wish I could say the name here just to give myself a chuckle. I'm saying it in my head. Anyway just now she was out there doing that and following up a string of his name on repeat with this twirly tweetery whistle like an unintentional Andrew Bird song. <3
Also on my agenda today (my day off) is to carve out our work spaces more. Places to go to and walk away from.
Can't believe it's September. Making another cup of coffee and swapping the laundry. I am out of both dog and cat food. They're not thrilled with me. Yesterday they shared a can of salmon. Don't worry, guys. I'll go this morning.
My mom had my kids yesterday and took them to the sunflower patch. She tried to take a photo and caught them mid-slap.
Last night I dreamt I was walking up a hill unable to move my feet faster.
8.02.2020
Having a floor lay down in front of this window. Good company. Arctic Outpost Radio. I started listening after the tip from Alton Brown. This delicious chai. This is my second packet. It's finely ground ready to just add hot water and a milk if you want. Sometimes I add honey. This dog needs a nail trim badly. It's one of my least favorite tasks. She has so much [many] personality. And she loves to bark. The tiny wooden spoon included in the tea pkt makes me so happy. I mean. Look at it.
The moon is so beautiful right now. So clear. Able to see the darker parts. Looks like a planet on either side. Search says it's Saturn & Jupiter. Love saying their names.
A lot of things have stirred me lately. A variety of things. Slow realizations, surreal moments where my kids say something that feels like .. a moment, a glitch, a crack, a full circle, an enlightening?
One day we had just arrived home from their dad's. During pandemic season I have first been going home to change and clean up before going to get them. I'm off late in the evening so it always just feels like..a lot, I guess. But it's the highlight of my day. Where I finally breathe in a sigh like.."At least this." Always so glad to have them around me and feel the goodly worthiness of life and my presence. Hugging them is medicine. Sometimes their words leave me speechless. You never know in what setting or what combination of words but it will feel big or holy or gutting. Parent as witness. They reflect the world and life back at me.
My son that is 7, we pretend a lot. Those pretend sessions where he tells me the setting and basically what to say. We're getting out of the car and he has something in his hand, I can't remember what. A stickish thing. He says he's taking me as prisoner. I ask why. He says, "Because you're not on our team!"
My daughter has been feeling so lonely. I ache for her. We've had a few connections here and there with her friends in some way but overall very little since March. We didn't do a ton of outside hangs before, seems overall less frequent than what I hear from others but definitely going to friend's houses sometimes and having friends over.
Anyway, it wasn't hard to sink into initially but the effects have slowly crept up on us. It manifests in a variety of ways (I mean obvs, right? I think we're all feeling some degree of this in multiple facets of our lives. Now and always.) My counselor touched on this last week because goddamn that woman is wise! So we're both trying to reach out to people a bit and keep some connections going, even in simple ways. I appreciated the reminder. My son has seen 2 different friends for outside playing occasionally. We're still seeing grandparents, my mom and their dad's, being thoughtful about it and minimizing exposures as we can. Grandpa has been more cautious, higher risk. They've also seen their uncle.
This morning I took a radio news break and switched it over to 90.9 The Bridge, another station I enjoy often, and heard 3 songs that found me in tears by the middle of the last one. I'm putting them here in that same order.
"Worry" from Songhoy Blues has the best lyrics.
Nothing’s come for free When you get it free – you will lose it freely So you better know Work hard is the best way Let your hope come from fight And go through your darkness You’ll find your light
Damn, just happy to keep going. Enjoyed that set. Above includes Songhoy Blues, Etta James, Mondo Cozmo, Kendrick Lamar / Sza.
